I just got back from visiting my 16 year old son in Baltimore....

I feel a little like a "fish out of water" now that I'm home.

I had a little bit of a meltdown while I was there - having a good cry for about an hour....and I find myself doing it again. Just letting the tears flow.

I guess I realized that I can finally let it all out - that I don't always have to be strong and in control of my feelings.

Sometimes I am utterly overwhelmed with the grief for my loss, and my fear for what is to come.

I'm trying to stop no matter what I'm doing and allow myself the feelings. Not trying to "figure them out"...just letting them flow.

I'm sure there are other ladies out there who know what I mean.

I would love to take one of those "stress tests" (the one that evaluates life changes and their effects on a person)...I think I should be dead. LOL

I am definitely seeing positive things in my life - little by little - it's just some times - the reality of my loss just brings me to my knees.

Well my dearest sisters - not looking for advice, just looking to vent/share.

I KNOW my best years are today and forward...I know God is blessing me every step I take....and that in the end...

I am liberated unto incredible joy, freedom, and love!

thanks for lending an ear!

D.

Danita I couldn't decide what to send, so here are three images for you, that come from my heart.

a little light for your soul


colour for your eyes.


and a hug to let you cry.


Hannelore

ahhh, Hannelore,

Thank you so much.

So sweet and so comforting!

hugs back at ya!

Danita

Danita, oh how I can relate, albeit for different reasons. No matter how we lose someone, whether through death, divorce or any circumstance that breaks that bond, I think that the core of our grief stems from the loss of relationship with that person and all the possibilities that existed within the context of that relationship .

There are so many facets to grief, one of the most painful for me being the loss of the hopes and dreams that we have carried deep in our hearts for so long, assumptions for the future, and dreams that are intricately woven around and through another person's being and presence in our lives. I'm finding that one of the primary sources of my own agony comes from all of the plans that I unknowingly carried in my heart for a future that just automatically included that person and everything we would have/should have been doing together. It's excruciating, especially when we encounter times and activities when those "would haves, should haves" would have come into play. That's when we most feel the difference between what our hearts had planned for us, and what our reality is in that here-and-now.

My heart is with you in this grief...oh how I know the agony of absence, not only of the person but perhaps moreso of the future we had carried so long in our hearts that can't happen now.

BUT, I do believe that a BETTER future is unfolding for us, with new possibilities and new relationships...it doesn't completely assuage the aching void, but for me it does help me keep moving ahead, even when the tears keep me from seeing where I'm going!

I can relate too. Going through the same steps. Each day is a new beginning. Each day is full of promise if we can get past the gloom and embrace it!

Danita, you have been through so much transition lately that I'm sure you are having those moments. Feel it when it happens, get it all out, and then carry on as much as you can with those you love that are close by.

Sendign prayers, hugs and all things blessed your way!

Danita you know how much I think of you, and thank you dear friend for the sweet card and sentiment. We've both been through so much, mine many years ago, not as recent as yours but none the less upseting. I am living proof and so many others here are as well, we can overcome, we can and do survive. You have not yet begun to fully blossom into the garden of beauty God has bestowed within you. One day at a time...HUGS!

Hannelore what beautiful pictures...

Danita, Just know that God WILL be with you every step of the way. Change, grief and unexpected happenings all have a way of bringing us down and yet, in time, we learn and grow more than we ever thought possible! My major change started 12 years ago with the sudden death of my big brother, 12 years my senior (sort of like a second Dad when I was young). Six years later my trusted, best friend (my husband of 30 years) just "lost it" and got involved with another woman, a person I also trusted as a friend. I was a pastor's wife and life as I had known it for years came crashing down. I would never be the same. I'm still growing and learning and changing so much. When grief hits suddenly (those little triggers in everyday life) I DO let myself feel it and let it keep on going. The "sting" is a little less with time. Be kind and generous to yourself and let time take over because that's what it takes. I've changed in a lot of different ways and have a completely different life but still I miss what was. Maybe I always will? Who knows. Transition is a very difficult thing sometimes when you always "thought" it would be the same thing, the same people, etc. There is no easy answer, it's a journey. Keep us posted on your thoughts!

I am VERY thankful for my faith (which truly has been tested) and my friends who have truly been faithful.

The grief process is so interesting.

Thank you ladies for sharing YOUR stories and struggles...I knew I could share here, and that a. I wouldn't be alone, and b. You all would relate!

Eagle, it IS about losing those dreams for the future, isn't it. So difficult. I used to say I knew for sure that:

1. I was sapposed to be married to my husband
2. I was sapposed to homeschool my children
3. That I am a child of God.

Now, I only know #3 for sure. Talk about beind reduced to the basics. :0)

Starting Over - It's a day at a time...isn't it.

Dots, yup, LOTS of transitions in my life. And going with the "flow" seems to be the right thing.

Chatty - I know you understand. Funny you should mention a garden - I've realized that I've spent YEARS tending others' gardens - and that now, its time, to tend my own.

Ladyjane - what a story. Wow. God bless you. Where in Maine are you. A friend of mine and HER husband just left the ministry in Maine.

Hugs to you all sisters. Thanks for relating.

danita

Danita, So glad we could all relate and therefore encourage you further. That's what's so wonderful about this board. I am so fortunate I found it and everyone here "just in time." I'm in southern Maine, the Greater Portland area. I lived on the midcoast for 15 years. I also wandered Colorado during my "find myself" days (age 22 or so)for a year...beautiful place! What part of Maine did your friends minister in (if you care to tell, that is)

Hi Danita, I love the words chatty and ladyjane have shared.

Have your thoughts and mood settled a bit after this last trip?

Danita, I'm here for you too. I know how painful it can be but I also know I came out of it a much stronger and wiser woman. Pain can sure bring about growth and it was something I needed really bad!

ladyjane, your story is so compelling. Do you mind me asking what happened with the husband and other woman?

I'm a wide open book, Dianne...about a year after our divorce was final, he married this other woman (she had been the church secretary, by the way....how classic is that?) They have been married 3 years now and have had a terrible time of it all. He has apologized profusely over and over again to me. My daughter who lives very clsoe to him says he sits at her kitchen table and cries over the fact of what he did to me and our family and says how unhappy and miserable he is. This is a great example of how the grass is rarely greener on the other side....or better put, you reap what you sow. The really hard thing for me to come to terms with now is I just found out that he accepted an invitation from a church and has become their pastor, something he hasn't done since we left our church and something he's always said he could never do again....just found out last week. I am soooo disappointed in him, but I have a new life and must keep on going. I swear I could write a book about all those years....UNreal! It's odd but I was looking for a forum specifically for former pastor's wives when I came across this site...this is what I needed, not the other. For me, it's far more healthier! Although, there are moments when I just want to talk about what happened. Thanks for asking, Dianne!

I think you SHOULD write a book. I knew a woman whose husband was a minister and he physically abused her. Don't think for one minute any member of their congregation believed this sweet man could do that! It was truly horrible for her but she left and helps other battered women now.

I think it would be a fascinating read. I'd buy it for sure!

That's wonderful news that she helps other battered women now. Sometimes the very best you can do to heal is to give back...wonderful! Unfortunately so many minister's wives just seem to slip off the face of the earth when something horrible happens. It's generally very public and humiliating. I found one and only one forum for such but it was very inactive. I wish there was something out there but maybe it's just too hard for some to get involved. I'd love to write...but would I really want to look back that deeply?

Danita...you have come so far in a short time! And when I read your list...isn't number 3 the only thing we need to know?

I know you will continue to grow and blossom in your own garden!

Ladyjane, maybe you should start a support group for these women. Surely, they need a place to go for validation. I know my sister did when her husband admitted he was gay and not only had a lover but was HIV positive. It helped her to know she wasn't alone.

OMG ! Has your sisiter written a book yet Dianne?

ladyjane, your story is so similar to mine. My husband was an Elder of our church and he had an affair with (and later married)the Sunday School Superintendant. We lived in a small village at the time and it was so humiliating and such a bad witness to the community.

Our children (on both sides) were very badly affected by it all and only my two (now in late teens) stayed with the Lord. I have thought of writing my story too...but don't know if I really want to go over it all in my mind again, especially since I have managed to forgive and move on (even though my ex-husband said he would never be sorry for what he did).

Do you want to know the really great twist in the tale?

The other woman's husband called me to see if I was ok, and we ended up getting married almost a year before they did!! God works in mysterious ways!

Wow, Countrygirl! Hehehehe....sorry for my giggling but I couldn't help it with your last line! We definitely have something in common. This happened to me beginning in May '01 until my divorce in 6/03. I still think about it....not so destructively as I once did but certain things come to mind. It's a pleasure to get to know you!

Now I ask you where but here in BWS could you hear stories like these?? What a gas!

CountryGirl and LadyJane: While you respectively lost your "man of the cloth", I lost mine because he became a "man of the cloth". Albeit under very different circumstances, I understand very clearly what you meant by insufficient or ineffective support group for wives like us. In my case, there was not any at all and, I doubt if a support group even exists for circumstances like mine. My Mom was my counsellor, but she had passed away a few years before and, for obvious reasons, I could not approach my confessor. "Sink or swim" would be apt to describe the situation then.

Lola, I'm so sorry you didn't receive any help when you needed it most...I didn't get any prof help, but my family and friends were fantastic...even the kids from the Youth Fellowship I led used to come round to my house with boxes of chocolates and hugs, bless them! There was no counselling or anything available at that time, so as you say, it was "sink or swim".

Feeling abandoned, sadly, seems to be the norm in any of these situations. Abandoned in the sense that you receive no or little of anything from the very people who held you in high regard (supposedly). I had one woman in the congregation who was my very best friend. She did terrific seminars on a variety of subjects and worked alongside of me in the Womens Ministries programs. Our resignation came in late October 2001. Six months later (and the very week I had been diagnosed with breast cancer) she emailed me saying that I had given little thought to how this all affected the congregation and the whole situation was "too much for her." So, she could no longer have any contact with me. I was floored! I had bared my soul to her many times and counted her as a treasure and a true gift to me from God. My life was at an all-time low. I had cancer, no job, a husband still living with me but carrying on with his mistress....ughhhh!!! And now my best friend was dumping me. And the biggest thing was that there was no one to turn to! I wonder how I survived it all. But giving these people (the congregation) some credit, in later years I realize that it was so horrible and awkward that they really didn't know what to do. They, too, were trying to move on. My daughter lives closer to that area and still runs into people we knew. Several have gone into tears and said that they've always been concerned about what happened to me....that I seemed to just drop out of sight. ANd I suppose I did. Anything else was just too painful at the time. Support is hard to come by when things like that happen. While they may have wanted to support me, they were so angry with my husband and didn't want to run into him. Anyway, he moved out 4 months later for good.

Ladyjane, you are a survivor! I experienced similar things in that only my closest family and friends remained close to me...it was amazing how many church members, neighbours, etc dropped me like a hot potato! I even had people cross the street to avoid talking to me...and I hadn't done anything wrong! I think people just find it too terrifying to attempt to talk to someone who has just been cheated on.

They are embarrassed on our behalf and are perhaps afraid of upsetting us further or that we might break down in tears in front of them and they wont know what to do/say.

Mutual friends of my ex-husband and myself seemed to disappear completely, it was so weird. Again, I think it was so they didn't have to take sides.

Oh Ladyjane, I know the absolute heartache of having a husband living at home while he sees his mistress...those were the darkest days of my life.

Isn't it amazing how we picked up the pieces and moved on from it all? God is good.

It IS amazing how we picked ourselves up! When I consider all that was, I can hardly believe it myself. The devastation of losing all that I knew as my life.....home, friends, job, duties, everything my eyes saw daily....came to a very sudden ending. After my husband's humiliating resignation in late October, we had to stay in the parsonage until our move on December 1st. Fortunately, I have little memory of those weeks. You know what? I think I just, this very minute, learned something about myself as I type this! I always, ALWAYS loved the Autumn but since that time I go through a very sad, lonely time this time of year. This week I've felt tearful and sad and couldn't come up with a cause. Hmmm....I think I'm onto something here. Anyway, I, too, know that feeling of having people avoid you like you have the plague or something. And the thing is....we had done NOTHING wrong!!!! I had loved and supported this man for 30 years of my life and I just KNEW we would grow old and die together. I had the utmost of trust and respect for him. I have to say that to this day, I do not have that type of trust in anyone and especially my own dear husband. I trust him but not as I did before. I doubt I'll ever muster up that kind of respect and trust again for anyone. Sad, but true.

You ladies are amazing. I didn't really have anyone I could trust during my abusive marriage...not anyone who understood anyway so I will triple the amount of pain that you went through. How horrible.

Yes Hannelore, she's working on her book now.

All I can ever ask is WHY is support so very elusive when we're going through such ordeals? Do we do part of the hiding ourselves due to our inner conflict? Do we cease reaching out in any way? Do people run and hide from us because they don't know how to help or what to say? It's interesting to think through the "whys." It makes us all better friends.

After reading these devastating stories, I can’t help notice that you all seem to have found a new love and are happily married again.

Did any of you ever consider never marrying again? Just being on your own and truly free? Were you surprised that you could fall in love again, and begin anew?

Lots of questions I know. But I have had a marriage crisis this year, and I couldn’t help but think …never ever would I marry again. I found the thought liberating and uplifting. Of course if the new love is just everything you want,…then fine. But I would think you have to be willing to compromise all over again, in order to live in harmony. I don’t think I would want to risk that. I definitely would not want to be a loner. I would love to have loads of friends to accompany me along the various paths in life…but marrying again; uh-uh.

I have to stand up and applaud hou ladies for your strength. Ladyjane you are an amazing survivor...

I have a story that is similar about loss, yet altogether different. After I bacame a widow for the second time, I swore off men for fear of being hurt yet again. I did meet a man some years later that one could describe as an emotional cripple, divorced, wife cheated with his business partner and they took him to the cleaners. Along comes me, fragile myself but keeping up appearances. Anyhow I stuck by him during thick and thin, he cried a lot, moaned and groaned, was impotent, the whole ball of wax...

In a year with me standing by him, he was again building beautiful log homes, was featured in Beautiful Homes magazine as Architect of the year, had a thriving business and had done a completed 180% turn around, for the better. He asked me to marry him. Now he lived in Jackson Hole, Wyoming and I was still in Vegas. So we did the long distance, and phone thingy for awhile. One night he calls me and says, he didn't want to marry me.......... KNOW WHY? Get this!!!
He says because I was his rock, his motivation and I stood by him during the most trying time in his life, I gave him hope, love and understanding, trust, everything he needed to rebuild his shattered ego and life....Heres the good part! He didn't want to marry me because everytime he looked at me he said, it would remind him of what he was, of the blackest time in his life, and he just wanted to forget it, put the memories behind him. How about that for being dumped????

Hannelore, I understand you completely. Again, if I'm to be completely honest, I have to share this. My current hubby was (unfortunately)my rebound guy. He recognized right away that I was rebounding and he backed away. I loved him, at least I thought I did, at that time but we stayed apart for awhile and I dated others but there was nothing deeper than companionship and I just saw more lost souls like myself. We were on again - off again for a year. Both of us were mistrusting and trying to find our way but we always ended up back together. In August 2004 we finally said "this is crazy...either we make a committment or walk away." That very day we set our wedding date for 2 months later. And that was it! But honestly, and secretly I do still have moments when I wonder why I did it again and why so soon! I know that I would never have the energy to do this ever again. But then I've also learned to "never say never!" I love him very much and just this year we've settled into a comfort level that we haven't known so it's working well. I struggled terribly being alone when all that happened. I was just fortunate that my rebound turned out okay. It could have been more of a disaster than it was....and there were some very awful times but we kept going to get to where we are today. I just, unfortunately, don't have the blind trust that I once had.

Eeeeewwwww....chatty, you must have been mortified! That's just terrible! Somehow he fell in love with you as a friend rather than as someone he wanted to spend his life with....strange, but I can see it in an odd way. What WASN'T nice was that he led you on, asked you to marry him and then came up with that excuse! Too bad he hadn't put it in some other words. Must have been devastating for you at the time, seeing you were so fragile and gave so much to this man. Hmmmm....now I can see how you feel the way you do about men sometimes!

Ladyjane, just going back to what you said earlier about feeling sad at this time of year....the same thing happens to me in January...I always forget about it though until I start to feel really miserable and then realise, hey, it's the same week as when he told me he was leaving all those years ago...weird.

Chatty, what a horrible thing to happen to you...but maybe it was a narrow escape after all?

Hannelore, to answer your question...I never thought for a second about being single...I just wanted to be married! When my ex moved out, I remember feeling liberated that I could cook all the meals I loved that he hated and I could decorate the house as I wanted...but other than that, I just wanted a husband to share everything with! My new hubby was a "fellow-victim" of infidelity so I trusted him quite easily. I don't think I could have trusted someone who hadn't been through the same as me...and of course my hubby's first wife was the woman who had the affair with my first husband, so he knew EXACTLY what I had been through! Unique situation I guess.

Quote:

---

Lola, I'm not sure of your situation, but unfortunately there is never any way someone can be forced to keep their marriage vows....

---

Very true, CountryGirl.

My ex-husband was in the middle of his diaconate when I met him but, left to get married before ordination. He sought re-admission to the priesthood when patrimonial issues were resolved, i.e. our children have grown up, and I was not encumbered by any economic hardship. My effort at that time to "force him" to give regard to our marriage vows arose from my view that a married state is as meritorious in God's eyes as a vocation to the priesthood. Our respective professions, background in theology and active work in Apologetics allowed us to do Apostolic work as married people. Yet, it had not been enough for my ex-husband and the longer I distracted and opposed him from fulfilling his calling, the more miserable we felt.

My close association of friends and extended family offered the support when I needed someone to talk to. Charitable as they were, none could offer counsel in the form that I sought at that time nor dared risks with opinions on matters of spiritual vocations. Much like you, I prayed hard. Eventually, I had to let go. Not an easy thing to have done because, all in all, our married life was a good one. He was a good father and a good husband for the duration of our married life. But, most importantly, I loved him.

It has now been a few years since his re-admission to Sacred Ministry and I have since balanced the temporal with the spiritual. Fully reconciled to the fact that where I grieved a loss, the Church has gained. And, where the question is constantly posed by friends and family as: am I happy? I can only say that I still wear my wedding ring, count my blessings and keep myself busy.

How very difficult, Lola. I have struggled spiritually ever since but am finding my way home slowly but surely. Thanks so much for sharing with us.

Oh Lola, my heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your situation...you are a remarkable woman...you're in my prayers.

Countrygirl, did you go through a spiritual struggle when or after all this happened?

Well Ladyjane, as you know we ended up talking about this one in the Whine section! But at the time of it all, no, I didn't struggle spiritually...I absolutely clung to God with all my might and felt confident that He would get me and the kids through it all.

I only recently (6yrs or so) started going to a fairly strict church. It seemed refreshing after my old church which was led by a man who was very ungodly and even told my friend's husband that blue movies were ok!!!

My hubby and I were seeking a church with upright people and ended up where we are now. Don't get me wrong, there are lots of lovely people there and our Pastor is a good man. It's just all the intolerance and pointless rules I can't cope with. We realised we wouldn't feel comfortable inviting my unsaved family members to come with us because we think it would put them off God for life...isn't that sad? Man! Why are we going there??

Lola, do you still have contact with him? I just want to reach out and hug all of you for the pain you've been through.

No, Dianne. The children and I have not seen him since his ordination and we do not have any wish to distract him from his life now. But, the gentle soul that he is and kind-hearted as his superiors are, he was allowed to write to us to help "see" us through our "firsts" without him.

Hey all,

I've been terribly busy. I started a job with Office Depot as their outside sales rep and have been training.

I so feel like this job is a provision from God - that it takes me off my ex-husbands' roller-coaster (whose paycheck was garnished this week because he isn't pay the support he agreed to pay in the divorce).
This gives me a chance to build my business - and not worry about making bills.

The grieving is still cropping up......it's now been 10 months since the actual divorce went through and 19 months since I found out about my ex's lies.

For you praying ladies, feel free to pray for my kids and I - that people and circumstances won't distroy our already fragile relationship.

So, I am definitly more hopeful, but still coping with the pain as it springs up.

Thanks for asking dots!

hugs,

danita

Hi Danita, I'll definitely pray for you and your kids...well done on getting your job...hugs to you, xxx

So happy to hear again from you, Danita. It's nice to get an update. I, too, will be praying for you and yours. One step at a time...sounds like things may be looking up for you!

Hey girl, great to hear from you. Office Depot doesn't know how lucky they are.

Wahoo, the depot is crawling with gorgeous men in those tight jeans and tee shirts. Keep your eyes open my dear. My friend Sandie works in a depot out here and has met a dozen really cool guys...Its a regular male meat market...
Bon A'Petite...

Well my friends,

Today is a "hysterical" day (I mean historical). LOL.

Today would have been my 22nd anniversary had I chosen to stay with a cheating, lying man.

As much as I have grieved the "unraveling" of my family in the last few months...today is going exceptionally well. In fact, me and my guy (boyfriend) are going to go out for dinner tonight to celebrate me "un-anniversary". Wooo hooo, there IS life after divorce.

Danita

Hey Danita, happy UN-anniversary! You're doing great!

Great, Danita...congrats! Yes, there IS life after divorce. Your heart can be peacefully because it's not being continually torn apart by anyone. Hope you had a great evening and today can be the first day of your new future once again!

Danita, you go girl!! It's so hard when you are faced with something you didn't want or ask for...when the first wedding anniversary without my husband came around I went shopping with a friend and bought a lovely top for myself...we had a great day and I made a new memory for that calendar date! (Funnily enough I was wearing that same top when I kissed my new husband for the first time!) Isn't that funny?? Well done Danita for having a great positive outlook! Hugs to ya!

You got it countrygirl.

I'm surprised at how good I felt on that day ---- I feel lately like I've been on an emotional roller coaster, even though it's been a year.

My guy and I went to see one of my favorite Christian artists in concert - my dear daughter and I had seen him back in Feb. this year (the performer)....there's a part in the concert where they pray for people who are struggling - back in FEB., my daughter and I just wept like babies.

This time, I wept, but I was weeping for those going through hard times - not so much for myself.

I think sometimes when I look forward, and I see the "uncertain" future....I get scared and sad.....

but the concert made me look BACK to see how far I've come in just a few months really. THAT was an eye opener.

Thanks everyone for the encouragement.

hugs back at ya!

danita

Danita, I adore your spirit.

The day my divorce was final I went out to a show and then to a lavish dinner and then home alone and just walked around my home laughing, and NOT missing all the mess and clutter. It was a most magical day!! Sometimes I still can't believe I have no schedules, no boss, no stress (hardly none) no ones laundry to do, no one to cook for, no ones nauseating opinions to worry about...and so on and so on...Best time of my life!!!!

Hey Chatty,
Those darn divorces: first you grieve; then you celebrate!
I hear what you're saying; no boss and no one to dictate what you can do and what you can't do! Perhaps that's why America has so many single ladies, these days!!!!

Thats what I keep telling Anne.

I know exactly what you are talking about. I've been divorced for 10 years. I still do the heart break scene sometimes, and usually during the holidays.

However, I don't think it's because I want THAT marriage back. It's because I work retail and get so totally exhausted that I MISS the family life.

THIS YEAR I have decided to do something differently that ever before. I am not going to put up a Christmas tree any more. I really don't have room for one and it is no fun with no one to enjoy it. My tastes have changed. I now collect Nativities. My newest addition to the collection is one that you can actually see in my on line store. (Go to the eCatalog www.sunshinehugs.com and look on page 372. It is so cute and very hard to see in the picture. The little guy on the right has sunglasses on. And the little shepard has an ice cream cone.)

I decided that this little Nativity brings me great joy and laughter. My main Nativity has all of the animals (that I can find in the right size) coming to pay homage to baby Jesus.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that we need to bless ourselves with laughter and joy. I agree with Danita that wee need to just 'let it out'. The worst thing we can do is try to keep feelings trapped. That is like a pressure cooker waiting to explode.

Thank you all my new BWS friends. You are already a great source of comfort.

I realize this can be a very depressing time of year so if you need some help you can post a prayer request on my prayer line. Just email me or go to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/iprayers.

Joan
God's Little Pencil

Joan, I like your idea of collecting nativities. It's much simpler and more meaningful than trees with all the decorations.

In a couple weeks, we'll be placing a nativity scene on our front lawn. Ross places it under a tree that is loaded with white lights. Then we place a spotlight on the manger. I love the statement it makes this time of year. No Santas on this lawn, not that we don't love Santa and commercialize Christmas, because we certainly do, but I like the idea of focusing on the true meaning of Christmas when we can.

It's fun having you aboard. I hope you'll stick around.

Hi everyone,

Thought I would post an update.

I think I've been taken a little by surprise how hard the holiday would be on me this year. This is the first year in 18 years that I haven't celebrated Christmas with my children.

I was watching Mark (my guy) with his son decorate the Christmas tree - and had to keep going to the bathroom to cry. Austin looked at me (he's 8) at one point and said, "Danita, are you ok? Your eyes are purple". How cute. I was desperate to leave the house - to go get my nails done - but just hung in there for our "family day".

Since then, I'm doing better. I guess because I know now to expect it.

Got to see my beautiful 18 year old daughter this week. She just moved to a new apartment (with her boyfriend). Mark and I were driving by her town to go to a meeting - so I brought her a HUGE basket of house-warming goodies. She was so tickled. I love that girl. She is a mirror of me. She introduced me to a friend and said, "this is what I'm going to look like when I grow up". Is that precious or what?

Went to court with my ex last week. He filed a motion to change child support and maintenance. God has given me an INCREDIBLE woman attorney (who is affordable). He was totally unprepared (and had no attorney), kept trying to slander me (and the court facilitator kept stopping him)...and the long and short of it is - because we could not agree on anything - we go before a judge in March. He was EXTREMELY frustrated because he believed by slandering me and telling the court it was time I start taking care of myself - that he was going to be able to get out of paying maintenance (it's only been a year).

He looks like hell. Literally. He wears his guilt on his face.

The downside of the meeting is that of course he dragged (is that a word) my son into it. He has been airing his side of the story quite liberally (he IS the victim, don't you know).

So, my first instinct knowing that my 16 year old son somehow sees ME as the bad guy - is to walk away from my relationship with him. But the intuitive side says, "stay in the game - keep loving him from afar - some day it will pay off".

This has gotten so ugly.

Anywho. Life goes on.

God is good, HE is able, and HE is enough.

I take it one day at a time, one moment at a time...and the good Lord has seen fit to put incredible women into my life, who have lifted me up, and helped me to stay in the game.

Thank you ladies, for being there!

Thankful hugs,

danita

Danita, if I may offer some advice. NO matter what else occurs keep your love strong for and with your son. He is merely 16 and under his fathers self pity bull sh// right now. Be sweeter than ever to him, the son, no matter what, and eventually he will not only remember what you always were but what you still are and he will come back to you with love, sorrow for straying and admration. Boys are usually momma's boys anyway.

Danita, I can't really add anything more than what Chatty has said. Your son is taking everything in from both sides but he will be back. That's the best advice...what Chatty said.

Quote:

---

So, my first instinct... - is to walk away from my relationship..... But the intuitive side says, "stay in the game - keep loving ... from afar - some day it will pay off".

This has gotten so ugly.

---

OMG How strange that you would put these very words out today - I so needed them - even though circumstances are different, the thought applies!!!!OMG

I'll add a big ol' "HANG IN THERE," truth and justice prevails! (? ?)

And, I 3rd what chatty said... but add: always make your words and actions come from the heart and not from another place, i.e. negating or trumping ex's words and actions

Danita,

Sorry to hear about your loss. I've been off this site for some time due to way to much workload.

I got switched from my site to another and am going through lots of feelings of loss. I'd made friends with parents and now, well, gone.

Loss hurts. I guess it's much the same as grieving.

I've been through a divorce, also. I was very young, but still felt as though I'd never have a "normal" life.

Guess it doesn't matter how old you are or how long you've been married. Eagle and Chatty are so right.

Do something really good for yourself every single day.

Blessings
Emily

I did something nice for MYSELF, I called and spoke to Danita for awhile the other evening. I could just picture her beautiful eyes sparkling when she laughed. I felt so happy myself to hear her laugh and sound so positive even though she is having to put up with so much from the ex...

Sometimes just writing to someone on the forum isn't enough. I would call others as well if I knew the numbers. I remember when ill awhile back, I got a call from Dee, total shock and we had a wonderful conversation. I have also gotten a call or two from JJ, when it seemed I really needed to hear from someone...
The Boomers have been been my family of choice on many occassions...

I don't remember when, I can't even remember if it was before or after my brother died...but I definitely remember the amazing phone call - I picked up the phone one evening and almost fell off my chair when I heard Dotsie and JJ on the other end! They had just decided to call to say hi. I was too thrilled and stunned to say anything too intelligent or meaningful, but have that phone call - and the thoughtfulness behind it - tucked away in my heart where it continues to warm me. That phone call was more of a gift than either one of those women could imagine.

chatty, I also had the pleasure of speaking iwth Danita yesterday. I love her spirit!

Eagle, I remember that well. Georgia was visiting for the first time and we were thinking of you, so I picked up the phone and you were there! It was sweet!

Dotsie, I hate not remembering when it was, especially since it was so precious to me. I'm having serious brain fog these days and this past year is mostly a foggy blur...do you remember when it was?

Oh I want to speak with everyone! And even more, I hope to meet some of you one day....what fun that must be!

lola i always love the way you always always talk about your ex with such respect and understanding,Still what hurt you must have felt, but we all end up facing the surrender and move to acceptance. That always impresed me about you, can bring me close to tears too. Think it was second reason why we got frendlie.


As for the other two ministers ladies who cheated, somhow it seems much worse when theirs more faith and trust that such men won't cheat, mabie fall for someone else, perhapps, just perhapps but not cheat.
Danita, i always love you poping in and out now and again with little updates and especillie wen that new frendship with your new man started, that was just hartwarming. I beat you bring that hart warmth to manie of the ladies heer.

chattie your a scallie with your attitudee to men it always makes me giggle, i have just read about the melting of bits of your last hubbie verie funnie.

Seriouslie isnet just thse times that this type of pain can so easilie reare its head and overwhelm, its reallie cool to read you all bounding and sharring your feelings.
I got a call yesterday from a boomer ladie, i had companie but couldn't resiste a wee chat even if it was a bit rude to my companie. The call was " a problem shared is a problem half" type call, i reallie appricated it. Ther some reall sweetness about heer at times, and a lot of fun and carrie-on lol thank goodness.

DANITA are you gonna start the storie thing you done last yr were we all had to jointlie make a storie with onlie a few lines each and see weer it took us, it was fun. R u gonna, eh!

I just wanted to put in my two cents about this. I have been divorced for ten years now and the healing is all done.
I remember my first Christmas on my own. It was terrible. On Christmas morning my ex came to the door to collect my three children. The two youngest were 3 and 2. He brought his girlfriend (the one he cheated with) and off they went. I still remember the little ones with their teddies getting in the car with her. I felt so empty and betrayed. That Christmas day I spent all alone watching old movies and feeling sorry for myself. I could have gone to my parents but didn't as I was so down.

The next year though I spent the day at the Salvation Army feeding the homeless and every Christmas since I have kept busy with friends or volunteering.

My memories are faded and I bare no hard feelings for the ex. He has had many girlfriends since and has even had another child and has step children. Each time he has a new girlfriend they are so nice to my kids trying to win them over. I have had to bite my tongue off to not say anything when my kids talk about how nice they are. They don't do that anymore as the relationships don't last very long. Although they love their Dad and so they should, they know what he is like. I remember my daughter wanting to give his girlfriend a Christmas present. She didn't want to ask her Dad as he never gives them money. Yes I've even bought Christmas presents for him and his girlfriend of the moment and even her kids because my kids don't like to go over on Christmas empty handed. The ex has never done that for me but it doesn't matter. I want my kids to learn the joy of giving, to be generous even if it is with my money now. The lesson is learned and that's all that counts.

My divorce and the pain of it is a distant memory and I am thankful for that. Time does heal.

I just hope it heals for what I am going through now with the loss of my Dad. This is huge for me and every day has been a struggle. I know in time it will get better, but at the moment it is so painful.

Here's to all the single, separated and newly divorced women. It will get better. And just keep loving your kids no matter what the situation is at the moment. Things can change and they often do. Nothing stays the same. When your kids grow up they will remember how you were always there for them. Don't give up hope.
Kate

Celtic, a side note here first....we've started the "Boomer Babes Holiday Story" and we're about to take over the white house's oval office....come join us quick!!!!
Kate, thank you so much for sharing this story of your past 10 years since your divorce. There are many that need to hear how your emotions changed and over time, how your life turned. There is hope in this message. As you know first hand, it's difficult when it's fresh and you can't see the future, but your experience shows how your feelings changed toward your ex and how it all comes about...thank you!

My heart really and truly hurts for you Anne (and any others who have lost family and friends). I can think of only one thing that might be worse - having family and friends and feeling absolutely alone.

Hi Anne,
I can't even imagine this. The pain of losing my father and best friend is unbearable. I can't even imagine the pain that you went through. (are going through) I am so sorry for your loss.

I will say a special prayer for you. You are not alone.
Kate

The miracle of our animal friends is they love us unconditionally and we are their worlds. Maybe thats why I have always loved being surrounded by my animals, and no makeup or false face is required either, right Anne???

Do any of you have pets that give you dirty looks? My Reeta is a real handful and when she isn't happy with me, she'll turn her back to me and then she looks at me from the side and actually sneers. It is hysterical to watch and others have seen it too. Both my dogs smile but shes the only one that gives me dirty looks. Rosee just hides her head and refuses to look at me. What would I do without my animals???

o.k....just have to add my two cents. lol

WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THEN MEN

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch
(and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs are already in touch with their inner puppies.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.

Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.
(OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but
there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to
you.)

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.

Dogs don't make a practice of killing their own species.

Dogs understand if some of their friends cannot come inside.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

You can force a dog to take a bath.

Dogs don't correct your stories.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.

Dogs aren't threatened by a woman with short hair.

Dogs aren't threatened by two women with short hair.

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't step on the imaginary brake.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.

Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.


and that's it. what do u think? lol

danita

Good one, Danita! I have 4 cats and the two older ones have definite expressions. The oldest is so angry when the weather turns cold. He loves being out, rolling in the dirt, exploring nature and sitting in tall grass. With our snow cover and cold he gets thoroughly disgusted and shows it. He feels cooped up, grouchy and unsettled. We go through this every year. He thinks it's my fault and I should be able to do something about it! Maybe I should make him a snowbird and send him south every year!

I wonder why some people are either dog or cat people.

I'm a dog person myself, and all those statements are soooo true Danita.

Well thats a good question Hannelore. Me, I am an animal person, dogs, cats, horses, birds, mice, squirrels, you name it I love it...and have probably at one time or another gave it a home until something else could be done. Oh and I loooove fish too. I am not a snake or bug person however, nope thats where I draw the line. I just avoid them at all costs...

Thanks! It is great to meet everyone!

I love dogs, cows, horses and donkeys. I hate spiders and snakes!

And I hate divorce. Nobody wins, no matter who wins.
It's an outrageous loss!

Divorce doesn´t have to be about winning..but rather surviving..being able to breathe and live freely in the way that is important and good for you (or so you think)..maybe even being able to give your children the part of you that you think is important and perhaps helpful to give..don´t you think? We are human beings..sadly, in some instances perhaps we grow apart as a couple instead of together?

Yes, I am divorced after 32 yrs of marriage and 5 kids..going into my 8th year of being divorced now. I had to go..for my own sanity..the person I wanted to be and couldn´t in my marriage..sad but true. No, there was no violence or drinking problem or anything..just 2 people that had grown apart..developed in different ways..so perhaps sometimes it is a necessity that can actually give room for personal developement?

Yes humlan, absolutely yes. Make room for that personal development. Some people become stagnant in marriage and it's so sad to witness.

One of the smartest observations I have ever heard Humlan. You've got the right idea...

You're right! I'm wrong! It's been 29 years since my first husband and I divorced. I guess part of me never got over it! I'm a sap! What can I say?

In hindsight, I like to say that both of us are correct.
I'm saying, "If you lose someone you love, nobody wins." From that context, my statement is a truism. But I understand what you're saying too, humlan.

Jabber, you are not a sap! Loss is loss and sometimes we never get over it, it may settle to the bottom of our emotions but is always there. I can smell a smell, or hear a song and begin to cry like a baby for losses of nearly 40 years ago... So I guess I fit into the SAP catagory as well.

Count me in as a sap too.

I can't believe the way some seemingly totally unconnected "thing" can ripple my thoughts all the way back to Gary, or Mom...poor hubby cannot understand how driving by the most insignificant places can reduce me to a sobbing mess in the car. I might see a sign in the window, or an object on the grass, or something totally unrelated to the end thought...these things will somehow make me think of something else, which then leads me to another thought, then another thought, until finally it leads back to a specific (but unrelated to the original "thing" that triggered me!) memory of Gary - and I just start sobbing. SAP? Count me in big-time!!!

I've always called these "triggers." Everyone gets them once in awhile and usually one is caught off guard completely. I don't think it will ever be any different. As we age, more happens, more people leave us and on and on. We tend to widen our memory file more and more. We miss more people, pets and places. We become huge memory banks and I believe it tenderizes our hearts more with each loss....therefore, all the more triggers. yeah, count me in as a sap, too, if that's what I am. There are certain things that if I see, hear or smell take me back to precious memories of someone or something, particularly music that my big bro and I shared, or flowers that Mom loved or a place that I devoted my life with my ex-husband. All of it stings but can be beautiful if looked at in the right way.

Triggers, that a perfect word for them LJ. I hate when they come at an inopportune moment and my eyes well up with tears. I'm sure some people must think me nuts.

Chatty, one thing I do know is that, with age, I've become even more weepy and often it's over something that comes along suddenly. Unfortunately, it's often when I'm out and least expect it. It's hard to try to stop it when it comes on like that. So people probably think I'm crazy, too. But it happens to everyone.

Yes Chattylady and LJ..I second that..lots more weepy with age..in other words a SAP, jabber!!! Gosh it´s great to hear that this happens to you guys,too. I hate it,too,when it happens sort of unforewarned. I try to bite back the tears..but that doesn´t always work..and I am saying to myself..what a wimp you are, old lady! But perhaps it´s an asset of a sort..because perhaps these felings can be kind of used on those around us..I mean, that perhaps we have more understanding and compassion than we had before?? I just hope that we also have it for ourselves..that´s important,too, I find..when I think over my life and try to realize that I did my best..eventho it didn´t maybe seem that way at the time...

When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. Treasures make our hearts of gold break and our eyes well with crystal tears. It is an asset to have fond and loving memories, to know what once was.

When someone you know is hurting, you feel their pain. You have knowledge of what it can feel to be broken. Pain will bring tears of hurt.

When someone you know is joyous, you feel their joy. You have knowledge of happiness. Happiness will bring tears of joy.

Never get too old or unconditioned to be a sap for much will be lost in humanity.

What wonderful words, Chick! Yes, I find myself getting weepy about the weirdest things, too. Like a silly commercial on TV, or something I'm reading. Maybe it comes from knowing what is going on in the world, or maybe these are just triggers from some way-back memory deep in our unconscious mind. Whatever it is, it can be darn inconvenient!

Anne, how true about the sense of smell. When Mom was very sick and dying, I remember rubbing her with Beautiful lotion. I beleive that was the name of the perfume. Anyway, I was walking through Macy's and someone has just sprayed it. I was instantly taken back to caring for Mom. I need to buy some of that perfume so I can pull it our every now and then.

Chick, three cheers for your last sentence.

Chick..thank you..that is beautiful. Yes..our joys and our pain make us stronger..but also more vulnerable..because we can feel what others feel..but perhaps in that vulnerability..we meet very closely..for awhile..hmm..thank you!

Chick now I now I understand why we call you Chick, because you're so darn smart and COOOOOL!!!!

My nephew lived and died at 17 in Pennsylvania. He had never been to Colorado Springs, where I live. Colorado Springs is unique in that everywhere you go you see Pike's Peak, the 14,000 foot high mountain that inspired "America the Beautiful, oh beautiful for spacious skies." Although I missed much of my nephew's childhood due to estrangement from my brother, his father, I always held my nephew in my heart because he was joyful and enthusiastic. Anyway, for some strange reason, whenever I get on a certain stretch of road, I look at the mountain and I say "Hi Jeff." Is it that the mountain stretching toward the sky makes me think of heavenward? I dojn't know. This mountain, the road, was never associated with Jeff while he was alive, but I remember him each morning with that scene.

I wonder what makes you think that. Did he live near them mountains, or do you recall a story aobut him and the mountains?