I just got back from visiting my 16 year old son in Baltimore....

I feel a little like a "fish out of water" now that I'm home.

I had a little bit of a meltdown while I was there - having a good cry for about an hour....and I find myself doing it again. Just letting the tears flow.

I guess I realized that I can finally let it all out - that I don't always have to be strong and in control of my feelings.

Sometimes I am utterly overwhelmed with the grief for my loss, and my fear for what is to come.

I'm trying to stop no matter what I'm doing and allow myself the feelings. Not trying to "figure them out"...just letting them flow.

I'm sure there are other ladies out there who know what I mean.

I would love to take one of those "stress tests" (the one that evaluates life changes and their effects on a person)...I think I should be dead. LOL

I am definitely seeing positive things in my life - little by little - it's just some times - the reality of my loss just brings me to my knees.

Well my dearest sisters - not looking for advice, just looking to vent/share.

I KNOW my best years are today and forward...I know God is blessing me every step I take....and that in the end...

I am liberated unto incredible joy, freedom, and love!

thanks for lending an ear!

D.

Danita I couldn't decide what to send, so here are three images for you, that come from my heart.

a little light for your soul


colour for your eyes.


and a hug to let you cry.


Hannelore

ahhh, Hannelore,

Thank you so much.

So sweet and so comforting!

hugs back at ya!

Danita

Danita, oh how I can relate, albeit for different reasons. No matter how we lose someone, whether through death, divorce or any circumstance that breaks that bond, I think that the core of our grief stems from the loss of relationship with that person and all the possibilities that existed within the context of that relationship .

There are so many facets to grief, one of the most painful for me being the loss of the hopes and dreams that we have carried deep in our hearts for so long, assumptions for the future, and dreams that are intricately woven around and through another person's being and presence in our lives. I'm finding that one of the primary sources of my own agony comes from all of the plans that I unknowingly carried in my heart for a future that just automatically included that person and everything we would have/should have been doing together. It's excruciating, especially when we encounter times and activities when those "would haves, should haves" would have come into play. That's when we most feel the difference between what our hearts had planned for us, and what our reality is in that here-and-now.

My heart is with you in this grief...oh how I know the agony of absence, not only of the person but perhaps moreso of the future we had carried so long in our hearts that can't happen now.

BUT, I do believe that a BETTER future is unfolding for us, with new possibilities and new relationships...it doesn't completely assuage the aching void, but for me it does help me keep moving ahead, even when the tears keep me from seeing where I'm going!

I can relate too. Going through the same steps. Each day is a new beginning. Each day is full of promise if we can get past the gloom and embrace it!

Danita, you have been through so much transition lately that I'm sure you are having those moments. Feel it when it happens, get it all out, and then carry on as much as you can with those you love that are close by.

Sendign prayers, hugs and all things blessed your way!

Danita you know how much I think of you, and thank you dear friend for the sweet card and sentiment. We've both been through so much, mine many years ago, not as recent as yours but none the less upseting. I am living proof and so many others here are as well, we can overcome, we can and do survive. You have not yet begun to fully blossom into the garden of beauty God has bestowed within you. One day at a time...HUGS!

Hannelore what beautiful pictures...

Danita, Just know that God WILL be with you every step of the way. Change, grief and unexpected happenings all have a way of bringing us down and yet, in time, we learn and grow more than we ever thought possible! My major change started 12 years ago with the sudden death of my big brother, 12 years my senior (sort of like a second Dad when I was young). Six years later my trusted, best friend (my husband of 30 years) just "lost it" and got involved with another woman, a person I also trusted as a friend. I was a pastor's wife and life as I had known it for years came crashing down. I would never be the same. I'm still growing and learning and changing so much. When grief hits suddenly (those little triggers in everyday life) I DO let myself feel it and let it keep on going. The "sting" is a little less with time. Be kind and generous to yourself and let time take over because that's what it takes. I've changed in a lot of different ways and have a completely different life but still I miss what was. Maybe I always will? Who knows. Transition is a very difficult thing sometimes when you always "thought" it would be the same thing, the same people, etc. There is no easy answer, it's a journey. Keep us posted on your thoughts!

I am VERY thankful for my faith (which truly has been tested) and my friends who have truly been faithful.

The grief process is so interesting.

Thank you ladies for sharing YOUR stories and struggles...I knew I could share here, and that a. I wouldn't be alone, and b. You all would relate!

Eagle, it IS about losing those dreams for the future, isn't it. So difficult. I used to say I knew for sure that:

1. I was sapposed to be married to my husband
2. I was sapposed to homeschool my children
3. That I am a child of God.

Now, I only know #3 for sure. Talk about beind reduced to the basics. :0)

Starting Over - It's a day at a time...isn't it.

Dots, yup, LOTS of transitions in my life. And going with the "flow" seems to be the right thing.

Chatty - I know you understand. Funny you should mention a garden - I've realized that I've spent YEARS tending others' gardens - and that now, its time, to tend my own.

Ladyjane - what a story. Wow. God bless you. Where in Maine are you. A friend of mine and HER husband just left the ministry in Maine.

Hugs to you all sisters. Thanks for relating.

danita

Danita, So glad we could all relate and therefore encourage you further. That's what's so wonderful about this board. I am so fortunate I found it and everyone here "just in time." I'm in southern Maine, the Greater Portland area. I lived on the midcoast for 15 years. I also wandered Colorado during my "find myself" days (age 22 or so)for a year...beautiful place! What part of Maine did your friends minister in (if you care to tell, that is)