For some reason in the 'my documents folder' it saves my son's chat logs when he is on msn.

He has a girlfriend,and will be 14 in a month. I don't like him being so serious but he won't listen. She plays him alot, dumps him for others etc. and basically has a hold on him. I'm not blaming this girl or taking responsibility off my son but I am very concerned. I have talked to him about sex, what a good relationship is etc. My son and this girl are always fighting and are involved in a very unhealthy relationship.

I have had my suspicions that they were experimenting and in his latest chats she emailed that she took a pregnacy test. She said she is late and the test was negative but it is early days yet and may be wrong.
I don't know if she is playing head games with him or not, but clearly they have gone all the way.

What do I do now. My son will be really upset with me if he finds out I am reading his personal chat emails but I don't want him to get this girl pregnant. I have tried to talk to her Mom but she is in denial and says they are just friends and that they are not going out. I wanted to meet with her as I thought they were getting too serious but she wants nothing to do with that. She is not being cooperative and doesn't want to meet the Mom of the boy her daughter is spending all of this time with.

Any suggestions as to how to handle this?
Kate

He's only 14 Kate. Use the authority you are entitled to. Who cares if you read his chat logs...You are his Mom and have a right to do so if you think it's necessary.

If he were my son, I would tell him that he is def. too young to have sex. I would ask him what he would do if he got the girl pregnant? I would take control.

My sons were late bloomers, but the girls in their classes weren't. They were constantly after them. I think the young boys are often put into situations they don't really want to be in. He might not admit it, but he may be glad you are putting your foot down.

I suppose distraction is the best method…sports are a great outlet. I think you once said you have tried that. How about a male authority figure? Is there one around?

His Dad is in and out of his life. He has gotten a couple of women pregnant and has a 5 year old with the woman he lives with that has three kids all different dads's. Not the greatest role model. Also, not the best choice of a husband to make kids with, I was very dumb back then. Much smarter now :-)

His talk with him was "Make sure you use condoms" AHHHHHH!

Yes, he is so young. I have had a counsellor talk to him for the past four months as he was going through a depression period, death of a friend etc. This counsellor was a wonderful role model and talked to both the girlfriend and my son about this subject on many occasions. Talked to the girl about not leading him on and playing games. He is the one who suggested that I call the girl's Mom and try to meet up with her but she was not interested and was actually quite rude to me.

I am going to talk to him as I have done in the past, but.... I can't lock him up or forbid him from seeing her as this will backfire big time.
Kate

Perhaps you and he could make the rounds of the section of the hospital that houses young AIDS patients. Seeing what they can become is quite the eye opener....

I agree with Hannelore, wh's the adult here? Why are you afraid to take control? He won't hate you forever, just for awhile. Sounds to me like that girls mother would be glad to be rid of her and let her be someone else headache, like yours!! Don't wait mother, take charge.

I'm not afraid to take control, I just don't know what can be done about it.

He has now got a job which is great and keeps him busy during the day but after 3pm. he meets up with her. I'm at work until 5pm.

I have tried to talk to him but he won't open up. He has been depressed for 6 months and hasn't done much talking.

I took him out to the lake the other day and rented us both a kayak. We had a wonderful time and he actually smiled which I haven't seen in a long while. We talked and had some good bonding time but he refused to talk about her.

I guess I'm wondering how other's handled it when their kids became sexually active. Not many parents know when this happens and just hope for the best. I was a late bloomer but most of my friends had sex in grade nine which he will be starting soon.

I can't lock him up 24 hours a day and no matter how much I talk to him about it, if he is going to do it, he will find a way.

This is a tricky situation.
Kate

Certainly is a tricky situation Kate. Teenagers can be so challenging can't they. Seems they just want to grow up so fast. Such a shame, there is so much fun, they could be having. Kayaking was a great idea... putting you both in a neutral environment where you could just chat.

Does he like fishing, sports, hiking with his buddies around the lake? Would an adventure camp be an option? Physical exercise is so important to a young man... Burn off all that testosterone and get a good nights sleep to help deal with the depression. Maybe he could join the YMCA or similar.

Can he increase his hours at work, so you can pick him up at 5pm, or get a job walking dogs until 5pm... Anything to distract him from the young lady who seems hell bent on messing with his mind, and body.

Here's another thought... most teenagers love the internet. Does he have a particular interest, or something he is good at, or enthusiastic about? He could build a squidoo page (called a 'lens') and tell the world. He could easily make some money this way too. Check out www.squidoo.com It's all explained there.

If you go up to the hospital to visit the AIDS patients, as Chatty suggested, be sure to drop in to see all the new born babies . Maybe you could provide him with one of those baby dolls that are programed to cry, pee, poop, and scream at all hours of the day and night!

Could you get the counsellor involved again to help you both through this difficult time? It seemed like you acheived some very positive results with the counsellor last time.

Hope some of my suggestions help. You know, some parents are just too busy to care, but you obviously care very much about your son. Keep up the good work! You're doing a fine job .

My boys were both active sexually fairly early (about 16). The words I had drummed into their heads from a very early age were wait, if you can, if you can't use condoms. Never believe a girl who tells you that they are "protected." Girls lie. There was lots of evidence around that they were following directions...hmmmm....don't know if it was good or bad.

Perhaps your son is trying to get comfort from this girl to help with depression. Sex can be a great mood alterer and he may enjoy the high.

I too, think that you are making a great effort. This is a tricky period for most boys. Like you said, if they want to do it, they will find a way, regardless of what you say. Try to do as much to let him know that you are there for him (the kayak thing was brillliant!) and do a lot more listening than talking. :-))

Is he still with a counselor?

Great advice. The counsellor was the school counsellor and he is moving to another province. My son starts high school this year so would not have had access to him anyway.

I think the comment about him getting comfort from the girl is a good one, although I don't think that is what he is getting. It may be what he wants and he feels that he is too old now to get comfort from me. The guy thing, have to act tough.

She is always dumping him for other guys. She makes fun of him when she is out with her friends at the mall and it hurts his feelings. Shows how immature they really are and so not ready to handle the feelings and emotions that come with having sex.

I'm going to have a talk with him tonight and will try to listen and not talk at him. He doesn't like to open up though so it won't be easy. His current answer to everything is "I don't know"
Kate

It might be better to get allow him to talk about his girlfriend. You are entitled to express your bewilderment about her as a person, who makes fun of him and hurts him. And that he deserves better, better female friends who will stand by him and allow him to become the best of himself and for her.

What is he naturally good at? Sex just seems like a quick fix..for whatever.