My kids are mostly all adults now. My youngest will be 18 on Christmas Day. Here in Sweden our kids become adults at 18..legally. Two of my children..the middle ones..Wendy she is 30 and Daniel is 27..are going to 2 therapists a week, since my divorce from husband of 32 yrs. That happened in the year 2000. I know that we have had some difficult times and quite alot of issues in our family..particularly between myself and my husband. We are very different people. And then my children and we, the parents, lost our oldest child Susan when she was only 11. So YES..there is reason enough for therapists. I agree to that. But what I find difficult to bear is all the criticism and negation of the family we had when they were growing up. It has been very painful for me to think about and deal with. But lately, I have been thinking about letting them have their opinions and feelings..truely letting go of them for my sake and simply holding on to what I want to remember of my time with them as children in my home. I don´t want to let them take away my happy and loving memories of them! Not that I think that has been their intention when I really think about it. But I have bent backwards to UNDERSTAND them and have hurt myself in the process. And perhaps them as well, as it might actually help them more to have a mom who knows what she feels and remembers..without taking away their own experiences of their childhood.

I don´t know if I am making any sense to anyone out there or if any of you are going thru something like this and thinking too???? I have sort started to think that I won´t care so much about what they feel and how they see their childhood..that is in the past for them now too anyway. But rather that I will hold on to myself and my memories and what I have..and perhaps who I am too.

Anyway..any thoughts???? Love to hear them!

Having been on the other side of that scenario, I can tell you that I couldn`t see all the good until I had dealt with the bad. Once I could deal with my (sometimes mangled) perspective on our family life while growing up, I was able to move past that and see all the beauty and fun and love that had gotten buried underneath all of the negativity and sadness. I wish I could have seen it all while growing up, but it was what it was - NOW, I have 50-50 hindsight, and can see so much more than I could at the time. It`s sad to think of how much I missed, but it was important to acknowledge and work through all of that misinterpretation and mis-perception before i could appreciate the beauty and love that WAS there. I`m sure your children will get to that other side as well.

You`re right, you have no choice really but to allow them to be who they are - and to allow them to work through their perceptions and feelings. You also have to protect your own perceptions and embrace the joy and love that YOU KNOW was there too...don`t ever let someone else steal your joy or diminish the love that you know you poured into their lives. They`ll see it too, but they have to get to the point where they can see through all the other stuff they think happened and see that the love was there all along as well...in time, the reality of your love will shine through and probably even change the way they recall those years. In the meantime, be true to you, and hold on to the love...in the end, that will be what matters the most.

Hunlan, have I remembered correctly that your 2nd life partner is a guy who is alot younger than you, and perhaps closer in age to one of your children? It would be hard for many adult children to initially accept a parent's 2nd/3rd/4th partner that's close to their age..

As for how they remembered their childhood and teenagehood, they are entitled to their perspective. Do not try to convince them so strenously. Better, that you consistently show them certain acts of love, particular the things that they still enjoy receiving from you.

Like Eagle, it took enormous amount of effort and many years (more like decades) to get to where I am now in appreciating my parents, because they aren't model human beings. Unlike forum members here, I have the additional problem of language barriers and lack of much fluency in my mother tongue and my mother doesn't speak English. It's real and painful to experience at times. Imagine, hunlan, being a mother ....and not reaching your child to say complicated things from your heart and head before you die...and your child cannot fully understand you at all.

This is how it is between my mother and all her 6 adult chldren. It's until she dies, hunlan. So father acts as the interpreter..and when he's not around...we are abit beat in terms of complex communication. Parental love under such circumstances truly becomes...it must become acts of love when language fluency falls apart.

However she does know now we don't forget and we try to treat her well now.

I hope one day your children, hunlan will suddenly realize...what I said to a girlfriend 15 years ago when I was ranting about how much mom still lectured me:

"I suppose she must have this imagine of her grown child(ren), waddling in their diapers, learning to walk." As I said this, it dawned upon me: "She IS entitled to that memory. She is my mother."

Thereafter, I began to understand a mother's best intentions for their children.

humlan...

I think you have reached a place of wisdom and peace. I have come to know that it is not the actual events of our lives...but our reactions to them that makes us who we are...and our reaction is a choice.

You are wise to decide not to let your children's reaction to the events of their youth steal your happiness in the moment. Although it may not sound like it at first...it's the exact same thing as they are doing. Just love them...but love yourself even more!

Listening to Bruce Springsteens..should I fall behind, wait for me.. couldn´t be more appropriate at this moment. Thank you for your replies. And for letting me see my children´s point of view. Which of course, lead me to my relationship to my own mother. It´s very complicated and difficult. Still filled pain, disappointment and yes, anger. I think I can understand the WHY..but it doesn´t take away the pain. I am not my mother (which took time to realize) so I think I am trying to be there for my children and love them, understand them and respect them. BUT as you all say AND I DO see now. They have to work thru THEIR issues from our family. Naturally. I am still doing that myself from my own childhood. Your replies give me hope that maybe they will find some of the love that was there..when they are ready. I hope that I won´t be dead and buried by then. But, of course, I don´t have to go thru the troublesome communication you have with your mom,orchid. I can´t quite get my mind around that..needing an interpreter to communicate with my children or mom..that is very tough! And does definitely give the importace of love a different meaning. I liked your diaper story! First I just laughed and thought:that´s not me. But you know, maybe it is. Maybe I am not giving them the space and respect that I think I am..that I have to think about actually. Ok, I am a mom..but I have to have faith in my children that they CAN. and I KNOW that they CAN!!!! But maybe somewhere I still think that mom knows best???

I do believe that the greatest gift I can give my children is my example of loving myself..so that they can be free to do the same.I think that this is very very important and very very hard. I mean SUPER TUFFFFFF! I think I have done it by leaving my husband..their father..total hell for many years. But I wanted to survive as ME, Iva. There is a song by Peter Gabriel: shaking the tree. Of course. loving yourself is not only big deeds..it is all the small ones everyday. Thank you all for reminding me that is what it´s all about really. Thank you so much!!!

Grateful for a continuation on this..but perhaps there isn´t one..I don´t know.

Humlan
its important to be true to yourself and not all things to all people.Walk along the road of life with these friends here and you will chat and see how others cope.
Often if a single issue is evoked and you gather wisdom from others (it can be a little thing) then you get the ides of another mind set and this in turn gives you space to turn round and cope.
Even getting book ideas is helpful.
Trust in today..
Love Mountain ash

I hear you. I mean really hear you. And I understand. Thank you!

Humlan, we live in an imperfect world, filled with imperfect people so this is the advice I offer you. I live by this advice...

THINGS TO DO TODAY!

1. Get up.
2. Survive the day.
3. Go back to bed.

These are the only things we actually have any control over.

I just read this "Thought of the Day", and thought of you, Humlun and others who have problems with their children. I thought this so very wise...and I certainly could have used it when my sons began to spread their wings. Sorry to say, I don't know the author.

hugs,
Hannelore

Let Go
Just as the bird has to find the courage to let go of the branch in order to fly, so we also must let go of our branches if we are to know the exhilaration of soaring to the highest potential of our life. The branches we hold to are our inner attachments - our beliefs, ideas and memories. And then there are the outer attachments - people, possessions, positions and privileges are a few. But as long as we hold on to them we will live in fear (of letting go and loss) and we will never be free. And just watch those birds, by letting go of one branch they are able to spend the rest of their life alighting on a million other branches, and they enjoy the view from each. Are you flying and soaring in your life, or are you stuck on one branch, cursing others as they fly past. Go on, try it ...let go!