Sick and tired of SHOULDS myself. That is one part of midlife that I embrace with open arms - dropping shoulds.

Anne, my partner is semi-retired, due to illness. I will work for a long time yet, in one capacity or another. It is not a problem. Really.

I know this is an older topic, and I've been gone for a long time, but I just have to update my previous post about the younger guy here at work and myself.

I opened a myspace account under the name AarikaK (which will be my new name after the name change) just for grins and giggles. Well, I got such an enormous reaction that I just cancelled it completely and most, I'd say 95% of the respondents were young men from 18-48.

At first I was sort of flattered, but then it became a burden. I found myself spending way too much time updating the space and trying to correspond. So many of them, and the nicer ones, wanted to meet at a hotel or at my house....ya, right??!! I couldn't handle it..honestly!

So, the guy at work is the apple of my eye. He is gorgeous, courteous, intelligent and I'm positively obsessed with him at this point and now am trying to back way, way off. He could hurt me real bad.

Ladies, I think that at the age of 16 I experienced an emotional "marker" in my life and as a result, emotional growth stopped at that marker. In some ways that is a bad thing, but in many ways it has been a blessing as most of our aging and just emotional/mental state originates in the mind anyway, which is the seat of hormonal production and in turn sexual deterioration or slowed advancement.

I think 18, therefore I AM 18 in many, many ways. This is just something I've recently learned. Basically, I'm a freak. The younger women hate me or copy my "style". Out of the older ones I work with, only one is my good friend and she is so sweet and a professional who has fallen on some hard times. She knows all about the guy and she's cool with it.

I've never felt so isolated as I am right now though. For the first time in my life I realize just what a freak I really am and wonder if there ever will be a place in this world for me, one that I will be comfortable in.

Well, NewLeaf I have zero interest in thinking 16 or 18 yrs. old. The only good thing for me at those ages, I was in a highly artistic productive mode...I won some poetry and art poster contests. And was biking..um about 5-6 kms. each ride.

As for boys, how I felt about my looks, then...awkward. I was your scholastically smart, but geeky, friendly girl.

Forget it. I actually began to peak in life growth, how I look and think from early 30's onward.

May I submit something? many of those geeky girls who I knew, who weren't the flirting type, who didn't have a wonderful figure at that time...have blossomed into something incredible.... 20-30 yrs. later. I have met them. They have great relationships with their hubby/partner, some have children and most of these gals have good careers.

In a way it was useful for you to understand what it means to be courted by...the wrong (anonymous) parties. Maybe some of those puppy men on the Internet were pulling your leg. Many guys on the Internet do enjoy pulling wool over each other, play pranks...I see it all the time on the cycling Internet forums. It's a different culture when a bunch of men don't really know you on the INternet. Their joking on you gets sillier/wilder and there's false flirtation at times. It can be quite cruel...hey let's see what this old xxxxx is worth...Let's see how "smart" she is.

I'm sure that does happen sometimes, Orchid, and I feel sorry for those unfortunate people who fall into that category. In my case, however, the people were definitely legitimate and within my area...I was able to verify nearly all of them.

I know what you mean about being awkward as a teen. So was I right before I blossomed and was in the Miss Illinois contest. Then things began to change. I was a tomboy and an intellectual dreamer. Had big plans to change the world.

Some of the guys I met, I still keep in contact with and we have an ongoing "frendship" but the one I want most is the one I'm having to be most careful with. He is very special and I hope to have him in my life for a very long time if I'm blessed enough.

I'm unique in that my IQ is exceptional and I still have the same emotions and reactions and whatever else it is of a very young woman. I honestly perceive women my own age that I work with as "older women" and treat them with the respect due to someone of their state in life, but I don't in anyway feel in the same group or relate to them.

I am in many ways an inigma and feel very alien. Thanks for responding to my post however. Hope you have a great day and get out there and peddle for me...I'm stuck at my desk all day.

New Leaf,
I would really urge you to take this time to truly love yourself exactly as you are. You don't need a man to feel good. It is possible to love yourself. When you have that confidence, that look in your eye that says you are comfortable in your own skin, you will attract the man of your dreams.

Just my opinion...:-))

Casey, I think I'm probably too comfortable in my own skin. I have a love/hate relationship with myself. Its very hard to explain, but I can't seem to fit in anywhere. I haven't found my niche and maybe that's because I keep changing all the time.
I call it morphing. If I attracted the kind of man who is looking for someone who doesn't need him and doesn't want a deep intimate relationship, then that's not the kind of man I'm looking for anyway.

A big difference I've noticed in both older men and older women is a kind of resignation or acceptance of the shoulda coulda's...or the shouldn't ve's...older people seem to use their chronological age as an excuse to grow old and lose step with changing times, styles, tastes.

My ex kept trying his hardest to make me fit into his cage. Constantly reminding me that there is a pidgeon hole for you dear, now stuff yourself ito it. Like the Gingerbread woman, life will have to catch me first and that is precisely the very thing about myself I like most.

NewLeaf, I'm glad to hear you've backed off the internet sites. It sounds as though you are learning more about yourself since being alone. I think you should continue to do this before jumping into another relationship. You owe it to yourself.

OK when I started this post it was purely because of my cousin's recent success with a younger guy. Now I have a situation of my own.

I've met a guy who is 24 (and I am 48). We are thrown together quite often at my second place of employment and have become very good friends.

To make a long story short, he's thought I was great for a long time, and my feelings for him have grown too. This isn't a "younger guy wanting an experience from an older woman". He's only had a few girlfriends. He was big in size when growing up, and I think even at home they gave him a hard time, so his self confidence isn't over the top.

His size is still an issue to him, but his self confidence is growing. I don't mind stocky/sort of heavy, and think he's cute as can be.

I made a huge mistake the other night and kissed him. He immediately latched onto that and hoped for more of a relationship, but as of today we've had some good LONG talks and everything is OK. The friendship will remain intact no matter what (he's very mature for his age, that part of him doesn't seem young at all).

Bottom line is, after all of this talking, he has the most old-fashioned values I've ever run across. He is not looking for just a night of fun or an "experience", he is honestly just looking for love.

I've thrown up every obstacle I can think of and he understands how I feel (that we can be great friends, but this can never go anywhere else and I should not have allowed the kiss, it was my fault, I take total responsibility and I'm sorry, it won't happen again). I've said I'm too old, he's too young. I've said I'll die much sooner than him and he'll be alone. I've said he may want children someday and it isn't fair. I've said we have nothing in common except a physical attraction (which isn't enirely true) and that isn't enough. I've said we're too different and it will never work. I've said much more, but you get the drift.

But I can't help thinking about it. He is a gentleman who holds doors and is polite and respectful. Since our talks, he won't even give me a hug goodbye unless I initiate it, he's afraid to do anything I don't want. And he has the best communication skills I've ever run across from anyone (even the Ph.D.'s I work with).

Don't y'all scream at me, I know this is nuts. I'd never let him know I have these thoughts, and yet I do. My goal (if there was a "man goal") was to find a nice "flannel shirt kind of guy" who is about my age and can travel and have some fun in retirement. But that hasn't been found and I'm wondering.

Maybe part of it is because my last "guy" is ten years my senior and is always in crisis/needy. We've more or less broken up now (I keep trying and he doesn't want to). Even though he has been good to me, it was/is stressful alot of the time. He never wants to do anything "permanent" but is willing to "hang out" forever. Our views on sex are not even in the same universe, and I haven't had a spark or any attraction to him for a LONG time. Even though he's a nice guy, I've known that isn't right for a LONG time and actually think the relationship is toxic to me.

I'm not on the rebound. I get a fair amount of attention from the male species, but can't help being drawn to this younger guy. I know he'll be good as gold to whatever woman is lucky enough to get him.

OK, y'all go ahead. Tell me to run for the hills, screaming like my hair is on fire.

Why am I doing this to myself?

Arg!

Whirlwind

Dear friend....you are not only "doing this to yourself" but you're "doing this to him" as well, it sounds like. The kiss to him meant instant connection and because he is so immature in love dealings, he interpreted it to "fit" his need(s). Its hard for someone that is NEEDY to let go of a good feeling like that. Someone who needs to feel loved. They take the kiss and their mind says "move to the next level."

Could it be that you're using him to fulfill your own emotional needs because he is emotionally immature, easily manipulated, and because you know you can?

It sounds as if he is fragile and of course, inexperienced in love AND young. You have stated WHAT you wanted but didn't find it, so could it be that you're trying to make him into what you want? You can't change people to fit a mold and I think you are doing him more harm than good by leading him on. (Did I say that? eeek!)

I'm sorry if this offends you, but what I read here is an older, more experienced in love, kind of woman, who is looking for someone to match her own idea of a perfect mate, leading a young man who is seeking permanent approval and a permanent love, down a dead end street.

If you don't want to see him, date him, or have a relationship with him, then don't, but whatever you do, don't keep him dangling until something better comes along.

Oh gosh...I hope that wasn't harsh because I don't mean it that way, and I can only respond to what I read. Remember, I'm on the outside looking in.