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#117812 - 05/12/07 03:59 AM Help - change is a coming and I don't like it!
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
I'm 50 and have two children left at home. They are 14 and 15.
The teenage years. Totally self absorbed, and critical of their Mom.
If I have to hear one more time "Mom your just old, you don't get what it's like for us" AHHHHHHH!
I know, I was there once, thought my parents knew nothing. I try to remember this.

The main problem I'm having is a don't feel useful anymore. I feel lost. I was an extremely doting Mom. We used to do so much together. I went to all their sports events, no more sports anymore. Friday night was movie night at our house, chips, pop, snuggles on the couch. Now they are at their friends on Friday nights and I'm home alone.
My kids come and go, they eat, sleep and talk on the phone and the computer.

I feel like I'm not important to them anymore. I'm just here to cook their dinner, wash their clothes and buy them what they need.

My parents are in their 80's, they need me at a time when I need them. I know their time is short and this scares me. What will I do without them? It's all so overwhelming. What happened? I used to be a so optimistic now I just feel lost in the shuffle.
Anyone else feel like this? What did you do to overcome all the changes that you have no control over?
Is this what they call empty nest syndrome.
Kate

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#117813 - 05/12/07 06:25 AM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: katebcca]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#117814 - 05/12/07 03:29 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it!
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
A few years ago, a friend of my Mom and Dad's died. I was commenting to my oldest sister about it and she spoke volumns to me when she said, "Its beginning."

By that she meant that the circle of life was moving rapidly, more rapidly than we wanted and NOW, we HAVE to pay attention to the movement because it has reached up in larger portions. Do does make sense? In other words, people we knew and loved were not dying, until then. But it seemed that once we "noticed" it, the cycle moved forward. It was time for my parents era to begin passing away, but we weren't ready to KNOW and FEEL it. It makes you look at your own mortality and question so many things about life.

At first when the kids left, I was overwhelmed with thoughts of doom and gloom, and feeling "left out" of life because they no longer needed me on a daily basis. Then I learned that this was a freeing thing, that I could do what I wanted to do and there was no guilt attached. Boy, did I ever start enjoying this phase of my life. Another cycle.

Then Daddy got sick and I became a care-giver. I learned to honor this and cherish the time spent with him until his death. Another cycle.

Mom was also sick at the very same time with breast cancer. I had double-duty as a caregiver. She survived (thank you Lord) and we became even closer. Another cycle.

Every single cycle was a gift, is a gift. The way you view it, or feel about it, is up to you, my dear friend. Choose to embrace whatever is going on, or NOT going on in your life and find the good in it. Its there! I promise you.

One way to help yourself with these feelings is to STAY in the NOW. Don't go borrowing troubles, or "what-if's." If I did that, I would drive myself into a deep depression because ANYTHING is possible. Stay in THIS MOMENT IN TIME. Enjoy it. Learn from it. Love it. After all, its all you have, really.

I'm sending you some hugs across the net. If you run out, let me know, I'll send you a bigger supply of them because honey, you are needed, and you are loved. I know...I'm a Queen for Pete's sake. And I have spoken! Anybody that disagrees with da Queen here...well, off with their heads!

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#117815 - 05/14/07 06:43 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it! [Re: jawjaw]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
katebcca, Oh my. I hear ya. I was in your shoes about five or six years ago. Mom died and my kids no longer needed me either. All were in high school and becoing more independent with each passing day. It was my midlife crisis. BUT, that's when I hunkered down in prayer at the kitchen prayer and said, "Lord, whatcha got in store for hthis next season?" Through many days of feeling without purpose and many days of choosing to celebrate the next stage, I soon launched www.boomerwomenspeak.com.

The world is your oyster. Try to embrace the loneliness and use the time to discover what you are being called to do next. The world's your oyster now, more than ever before.

Please keep asking questions if you have them. I'm happy to chime in. Been there, done that.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#117816 - 05/14/07 07:25 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it!
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Kate, I always new what a wonderful loving Mom you are.

When our boys started to go their own ways; so did we. I got my motorcycle licence, which they thought was cool. We played in tennis tournaments etc. What I'm saying is you have to make your life a bit more interesting, and they will perk up and be more interested in you. And if not; who cares, you still have made your life more interesting.

I'm sure it's harder when you are a single Mom, but if it's at all possible, don't be home waiting at the kitchen table with an anxious look in your eyes. Let them be the ones who wonder where YOU are.

It's a challenge, and it's fun! I promise you, really and truly it's a wonderful refreshing feeling to just think of yourself and not have to consider your children's wishes, ...not all the time, of course; but for a change.

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#117817 - 05/14/07 08:05 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it! [Re: Edelweiss]
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
I thought I was doing OK with this until last night--literally. I've had a few moments here and there where I didn't handle things well. But yesterday was Mother's Day and I spent it alone. Granted by the time I got off work, my son had already started work, but I knew when he would be getting off and was for sure he'd come home and we'd spend a few minutes together (10:30ish) before I'd have to get to bed. I had stopped at his work and even asked if he was coming home right after work so we could spend some Mother's Day time together and he'd said yes.

By 11pm I'd gotten a call that he was stopping at a friend's house on the way home and not to wait up. Around midnight he came home with the girlfriend in tow....I was devastated.

How needy am I??? I waited all evening for the oportunity to spend 5 minutes with my son before I had to go to bed. I didn't even open the card he had left on the kitchen counter for me--I waited so I could open it when he was there. How pathetic am I!

I am going to have to intensify my efforts to stay busy and carve out some time for something fun to do and ways to make new friends--otherwise I am going to become this clingy-needy-sit-in-a-chair-all-day-old-lady just waiting for her son or grandchildren to come by and make her day! I do NOT want to be that person!!!!

I understand, just had a bad day of that myself. Hang in there!!!!
_________________________
starting over

How we handle change determines our Destiny. P. Trapp
www.pattiswriting.com
www.marykay.com/ptrapp777

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#117818 - 05/14/07 11:19 PM Post deleted by Dotsie [Re: starting over]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#117819 - 05/15/07 06:16 AM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it!
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Yes, I realize it's time for me to start thinking of myself. I put my kids first way too often. Teenagers are tricky though as they can be really self indulgent, goes with the territory. It's all about their friends. I remember it well.

I took them shopping to Vancouver a couple of weekends ago, stayed over night in a nice hotel, went clothes shopping. I had saved up for a while. My plan was to spend some one on one time with them, some bonding time. Things did not go as I had planned. It was ok but I had planned for it to be like the good old days. We would all snuggle up in bed with chips and pop and watch a movie. They watched a movie that I did not like at all, I actually fell asleep...boring. It was then that I realized that they are growing up and I didn't even notice. This trip was a real eye opener.

Every year I send my ex mother in-law a Mothers Day card and I buy her flowers. She sent me an email thanking me and told me that I am the only person who remembered her on Mothers Day. She has four kids and 13 grandkids, mine included.
I felt sad for her. At least I got a happy Mothers Day card from my kids. My son even called me from the treatment centre. He has not remembered for years as he's always been out of it. I was really happy to hear from him this Mothers Day.

Your right, it's time to stop putting my kids first all the time and start planning for the next stage. They are going through changes too. I am in the process of getting my real estate license so that's a start in the right direction.

So ladies, I'll be taking your advice. Life is waiting!
Kate

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#117820 - 05/15/07 12:19 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it! [Re: katebcca]
Mountain Ash Offline
Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 3027
I remember looking at pictures of a day we spent at Edinburgh Castle.My children eating a picnic(looking bored)I knew then these days were past when we did the Mother/children visits.
I was then on a study couse and did my classes as well as working.This worked well.Then as adults we all had short city trips which they instigated.My daughter and I have had many weekends and spa visits now she is an adult.I think its a stage ...they are trying to swim alone and peers are so important then.
Put music on and dance....grow some seeds...meet some other women...come on the forum.
Mountain ash

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#117821 - 05/15/07 05:38 PM Re: Help - change is a coming and I don't like it! [Re: Mountain Ash]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Good thoughts Mountain Ash. Your so right.
Teenagers are going through alot trying to find their way, trying to swim alone as you put it.
Sometimes we mothers take things our teens do or say too personal, I know I do.
We are all on our journeys including our children.
Kate

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