Yesterday we threw a large barbeque party for family. Everything was going great; My 85-year-old mother was there as well. Later in the afternoon I noticed she looked terribly pale and asked her if she would like to lie down for a while. I told my mother to lie down on my side of the bed, since all other extra rooms were being used. She laid down on top of the bedspread and slept for an hour.

Well, as soon as my husband got gist of this, he sulked for the rest of the party. When everyone left, I saw that he had stripped his side of the bed down, and threw the bed covers in another room. When I asked what gives…he said he will not lie in a bed that my mother lay in! She didn't lie IN the bed; she lay on top of it! My mother is a very fine lady, who is meticulously groomed. There is absolutely no reason for him to have reacted this way.

I'm so sick of this never-ending tyranny. Once again my husband has ruined my day because of his egotistical ways. One of my DIl's stayed longer to help me clean up, and asked what is wrong with her Father in Law. That's when I broke down and cried.

Bravo bravo, Hubby dear,…you succeeded again. Maybe this whole scene sounds trite, but this has been going on for the last 5 years. The problem is that this attitude of his leads to further bickerings about almost everything. I can't take it anymore. What should I do? What would you do?

I know many will say the husband has to be the first priority in my life. I just want to say that I have always treated him as such! He just doesn't like my mother, and can't jump over his shadow to accept her for my sake. It doesn't matter if she comes by once a week or once a month, it's always one visit too much.

Is this love? I feel tryanized controlled and just plain old down in the dumps. No, this can't be love.

I'm seriously thinking about leaving him, and have told him this in the past, but it doesn't change his behaviour. I know I can't force him to like my mother, but why can't he, just for my sake, be civil to her? I can't stand him because of this.

Hannelore
can I ask...has he had any "TIA" history? Even so called silent strokes can cause behaviour to change.
A scan would show this.Even the GP could not diagnose.
IF so then he may be acting in the best way he can process.
This is not to say that he was not over the top in acting as he did.
You were tested on a level that is very sensitive.Your aging Mother and the marriage bed.
I would have done what you did.
I await the input of the others.But there many facets which if explored may give you peace.
.Mountain ash

Hannelore, I am so sorry.

My dad was tough on my grandmother (mom's mom), too. Seemed she had every habit that drove him nuts and none that he liked. It made it hard on my mom. I think it was the only issue that they ever really argued about.

I always thought it was very selfish. I love my dad, dearly, but he is an impatient and arrogant man, in some ways. Now, with mom being diagnosed with Alzheimers, he has to learn his patience at 80 something. Too bad he did not learn it earlier.

I don't think that telling him you may leave him over this will change any behavior. Until threats such as this, are carried out, they sound empty. I am not suggesting that you leave him just to show him you mean it, but suggesting that you don't say it to show him how sincere you are in what you believe.

Changing your own responses to his behavior is most likely the best you can do. Instead of getting angry with him, could you respond in a different way when he is being a bully (may be the wrong word, it just sounds like bullying to me, the way it has been described)?

Keep talking it out, check, like Mountain suggested, for other health issues and know that you have friends here. Again, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain.

Hannalore -- sending you a big ((((((HUG))))). Don't really have any words of wisdom for you,although I can tell you that I'd have reacted the same way you did (including the thoughts about leaving him). I'd have been thoroughly pissed off and wondered why he was being an insensitive jerk. I'd probably bluntly have to ask him -- what's the problem? I agree with Anno that threatening to leave doesn't carry much weight behind it -- he probably just thinks "yea, sure" and keeps on going. I'm sure he knows how unhappy you are about his behavior (and it hurts even more that he doesn't care enough to do something about it -- I've been there with my husband sometimes myself). Maybe you should consider talking to a counselor. You probably won't get him to agree to go with you but even talking to one yourself might help you learn how to deal with him when he acts this way.
I don't know what I would do -- or what you should do. Every marriage has issues, some worse than others. Sometimes you have to ask yourself if you'd be better off leaving or staying.
Hoping things are looking better to you this morning.
((((HUGS))))))

Hannelore, I don't have any great words of wisdom. I know that if my husband had treated my Mom like this, our marriage would have been over a long time ago. My husband always treated my Mom, Dad and brothers is if they were his own - precious, cherished and beloved. And I treat his family the same way, most of the time.

Aside from any medical reasons, I find your husband's bizarre behaviour toward your Mother (especially at 80+ years old) unfathomable and can fully understand your anger and hurt. I feel the same way, and she's not even my mother!!

I don't know how to suggest you handle it, but I'm glad you were able to come here and share with us so we can companion you through this. I'll keep you in my heart today, and hope that your heart feels our care and love for you (and your Mom!)

Oh Hannelore, my heart feels for you. I don't know if I could take such a disrespect towards me or my own Mother, no matter what the age.

Hubby knows this makes you feel terrible, yet he does it anyway. He sounds immature in doing what he did, especially stripping the sheets afterwards. Then he uses it to start complaining about other things?

Hannelore,I am going to tell you what I'd do if I was in your situation. I'd tell him, if he disrespects my Mother one more time, he can have the whole bed to himself, forever... because I won't be sharing it with him.

I am not suggesting that you leave him, but I personally wouldn't be around anyone who treated me this way, especially when it comes to my dear 85 year old Mom.

Hugs from me too.

Call his bluff. Let him sleep somewhere else. Ignore him as you would a child who has misbehaved. He might eventually cool down.

If his angry outbursts are something new it could be midlife depression. Many men go through it somewhere around 40-60 years old. He may need medication, counceling or exercise to combat it.

Laurel

Yoohee!!!!Guess where I'm writing to you all from????!!!!

I DID it! I pulled the punches! This morning I stuffed my beach bag with a change of laundry, wash bag, makeup and my precious advice books and headed for the hills. I am now writing to you all from the hotel's internet room. Hee hee!!! I did it!

I know this is flooring Mr Macho...I know he never ever thought I would pull it through...but I have. You are so right Anno, empty threats won't change anything.

I am sooooo blessed to have you dear friends to talk to. You have all grown so very dear and close to my heart. I don't have any girldfriend here. That is partially hubby's fault as well...but more so my limited time through my work. That will stop too! Now it's time to live. The kids are out of the house, I'm fit and healthy, ... what more do I need! As to the financial part, I think I can manage if I juggle things around a bit. Of course we got to sell everything...Ha!! He should of thought of this before.

I allready PM Anno, and told her I feel so giddy, like I'm walking on air. Maybe that is how a bird feels, as it spread its wings to fly fly fly out of its cage!

I'll check back in later.

Thank you again Anno, Ann,
Mountain Ash ( No, he has no TA history...but I think he might be losing his marbles...sorry...I just feel so mean),
Chick and Laurel...I love you all! I really really do! Thank you for your hugs and supporting me.
sob...(that was a happy sob).
Hannelore

You sound really happy Hannalore and so I'm happy for you. My only advice at this point is don't make any rash decisions. Do what is best for you. We are all here to keep you company and to love you.

I would like to say that sometimes we women have had enough and it's time to leave. I left mine over 10 years ago and what a good decision that was, although not an easy one.
I don't think you left him because of that one incident, it's been building for sure.
Just be careful to not make any rash decisions, I agree. When I left I felt so giddy, had those free as a bird feelings etc, although I had three kids in tow, two in diapers. The freedom from the stress and anguish is what does this. That horrible walking on egg shells feeling, I'm sure many can relate. Although it was the right decision, three months later I crashed and burned. I had prolonged the painful part, the grief. You have to go through the grieving process or it catches up with you later when you don't expect it.
I'm not saying that you should avoid feeling free and enjoying it, the way you feel is a process. Just remember that the road ahead will not be without it's challenges and even doubts so hang in there and keep postinig.
I wish you all the best.
Kate