Hey, Ladies! Thanks for all your prayers concering Sonia. Things are not as bad as they seemed at first, thank God. I spoke with her doctor's nurse, and she was careful to inform me that if it's cancer of the lip, it's in its very earliest stage, and it's absolutely hopeful that she will be fine.

I am thinking that part of Sonia's "thing" is to get as much attention as she can get away with. She's been diagnosed with schizophrenia (as well as other things no one can seem to remember), and has been this way for many years. She had a breakdown a long time ago where she tried to commit suicide, and this is where her diagnosis began.

A few days ago, Raul and I were painting her rooms (bedroom, bathroom & hallway), after the maintenance guy and the landlord kept putting us off repeatedly. I told them to just give us the supplies and we would do it ourselves, just so that we could all move on with our lives.

Well, Sonia ended up being totally delighted with the finished job, but I think she was miffed that we didn't give her a brush and have her help. The problem is, she doesn't see well, and she lost her eyeglasses several months ago. Any help she would have given us would have just made things worse! Of course I didn't say that. But I had to cope with a nervous Raul, who had never, ever painted a wall in his life, and had to pace myself so that I could actually be of some use to the project, considering my own fatigue level.

Sonia hates the little kids a few doors down from us. I think she hates little kids, period, but she particularly despises these little demons. They happen to be *our* friends, little people we like to spend a lot of time with. It helps their poor, struggling parents out to have someone safe hang out with their kids while they work and do other stuff... gives them a break, too, so they can spend some quiet time every now and then. But Sonia is convinced that these kids, who only get as rowdy as the average 10 year old and 6 year old normally get... she's convinced they are both incurably rude, horrible, theiving, whoring, etc.

Yes, *whoring*. Now if these little ones are playing doctor with other kids and each other, that is no concern of mine (as long as no adults or older children are involved). But Sonia is convinced, somehow, that the little girl is trying to seduce my husband! Sonia has told us various weird things, like the little girl has AIDS (she's way too plump and healthy for that), and that she's *seen* the little boy stealing certain objects from our home. All of it completely false, of course.... but nothing will stop her from cooking up these weird, evil fantasies about what these kids are really like.

But on the day we were painting, the kids were hanging out around the outside of the windows, making comments on everything we were doing(their dad is the official painter who'd been putting us off, so they are sort of experts on the process)... these kids have already been banned from Sonia's rooms, so they know enough not to set foot in there, except that they forget when they are chasing down the cat or following Raul or me around the house.... but no one has ever banned them from the outside, nor from the windows. That would be absolutely ridiculous, right?

Well, while Ra and I were sweating our guts out, painting and painting and painting... doing our utmost to get her rooms in the best possible condition, out of love for her... suddenly Sonia started getting more and more angry, saying mean little things to the kids, who know that they are welcome in our lives all the time! Finally, Sonia just exploded at the kids, told them to get away, that she didn't like them and a few other choice things in her broken English... I tried to remind her that these kids were our friends, and that her words were hurtful... she said, "I don't care!"

She went on and on. Raul tried to reason with her, to no avail. The kids were standing at the windows, looking very hurt and forlorn. I finally told them, very gently, that Sonia needed some time to cool down, an that they should play elsewhere for a while.

They came back, and I didn't see Sonia around. So I tried to explain, when they asked me why Sonia was so mean, that when people get forced out of their routines, and painting is a prime example of it, since everything had to be moved, taken down, covered up, and was inaccessible, that that was particularly irritating, so she started out in a very bad mood. On top of that, her English wasn't always perfect, and sometimes she didn't use the right words... trying to say that maybe she didn't mean to be as harsh as she sounded....

Oh, Mama! Sonia ran into the room from the porch, where she had heard every word, and started up again, in her broken English, how her words were the right words and how she didn't like the kids, and they should get away!

So I told the kids to just go play somewhere else... that after we were done with that bedroom, we would let them into the other part of the house, and we could hang out in the air conditioning.

Mom even had the audacity to go up to the kids' father and tell him she didn't like his kids and didn't want them around. He sort of snorted and calmly/sarcastically told her, "Well, just tell them to go somewhere else." He had to repeat himself twice to stop her going on and on about it. He knows his kids act up -- all kids do! And both parents are quite adamant about letting us know that if their kids misbehave, we should send them home and not put up with them.

Mom wasn't to be mollified. A little later on, I asked Raul to let her know, in Spanish, that what she had said was very, very hurtful. She yelled back at him that she didn't care, that she meant to say those things, and basically that she was justified. Then I stood in front of her while she tiraded on about how the kids were uneducated (so what? 10 & 6?). I reminded her that the little girl was only 6 years old... I said it in Spanish, too, so there would be no mistaking what I said, and she just kept going on and on... about how the little girl was "6 going on 25," which was actually my own joke about the way my little friend acted sometimes.... I looked Sonia in the eye and said, "So what? How does that affect you in the least?"

That got her to shut up. Totally.

I've tried to be calm about the whole thing, but it really, really makes me mad when someone, anyone, is cruel to a child. Sonia was abused as a kid, and she knows that *I* was abused as a kid, and yet she chooses to treat our little friends this way.

And this also comes right after she and I had a very long heart-to-heart, telling each other our life stories. We have a lot in common! We did a lot of sharing and opening up to one another... I felt so close to her... and now she acts like this? I feel so betrayed!

Jealousy? Flashbacks? Alzheimers? Basic run of the mill schizophrenia? A manic episode? Narcissim? I dunno. Maybe all of the above. All I know is that before we painted, she loved the blue and white quilt I gave her to use, and she loved the colorful sheets and blue drapes. Now she hates the blue drapes, and wants to save up her money to buy everything in white -- white sheets, white bedspread, white drapes. She asked up not to put back the colorful pictures we had hanging in the room -- just the one pic of Ra and Me.

I've cooled down my anger considerably, but I don't think I'm going to be able to really trust her or be vulnerable to her again. Raul has decided that he's not going to do anything that massive for her ever again -- the only reason he was able to finish the job was out of his love for me.

How do you handle a weird, weird parent / parent-in-law? I've never been really comfortable with someone who was actively mentally ill... this isn't helping! Please, those of you who have had more experience with this sort of situation, please let me know your thoughts....


Love,
Lil

Lil,
Dear Lil. If I ever need care, I want you there. I don't have answers for your post, and I will say my first inclination was to give her the boot. However, I do believe she has several things against her and one of them being a language barrier. She also obviously has some mental problems. I wish I had clear cut, and precise guidelines to give you, but alas I have never suffered the actions she has displayed. I will tell only that prayer does help, and will certainly pray that you will be given, along with your husband, the strength and guidance you need to cope.

think you are so strong to be able to do such a great job of keeping everyone from what? killing each other? hurt feelings? feelings of unworthiness and of being unloved? Maybe all of the above. My hats off to you dear girl...If I were her, I know I would be so grateful to have a dauther-in-law who cared so deeply for me. She should be thanking the good Lord above...not counteracting every thing you try to do for her.

Lil, you are so loving towards your mother-in-law that I find it hard to believe she treats you the way she does. You have to remember she is ill with a disease that keeps her from controlling what comes out of her mouth. Ouch! Words hurt...and you have been wounded.

I'm praying she comes around and the blue and white quilt comes back out again.

At times she will recall your heart-to-hearts and hopefully treat you with the respect you deserve.

However, I know someone who is trying to make a difference in the life of another family member who is bi-polar and not properly medicated at the moment. It's tough, but she tries to remember this person isn't in their right mind. She attends a support group and has found it very helpful.

Glad you have Raul to snuggle up to!

Lil,
You are so kind to your mother in law.From reading your posts I have a lot of respect for you.
My mother was diagnosed with dementia and we suffered through it with her different from what you are going through and yet there were times.
I used a coping mechanism that helped me with it and it may sound crazy but it worked for me. I separated her into the mother I knew before
and then the mother who was in the nursing home.
They were the same and yet different.
I don't know if it will work for you but felt like sharing this.
It's hard to remember that they really aren't attacking you or your friends but its the disease.
Keep up the good work. You will be in my prayers.
Maggie

wow, you have a lot on your plate. I think the idea of a support group is a good one - talking to others who have family members dealing with mental illness will help you deal with what you are going through. Remember to take time to take care of yourself too, so you don't burnout
..hugs..

Ladies, thanks for your heartfelt responses! I've got little tears of relief on my face.... Sonia snapped out of it, finally, and isn't snarling at the kids this week. She even shocked the hell out of us last night... she goes to bed pretty early, and the kids were hanging out with Raul and me in the livingroom... she came out to say good night very calmly, kissed Raul on the cheek as usual, kissed me on the cheek as usual, and then, God be praised, she kissed our little friends on their cheeks as well! I think she's sorry for her attitude, but can't manage to say so. That's OK with me, I think the kids understood pretty well!

Yes, she's going to go back and forth and up and down. She's showed me the medications she takes, and from what she's taking, I can't make out what her diagnosis might be. Three or four different anti-depressants/anti-anxiety meds and at least one anti-psychotic. Plus stuff to make her sleep (as though the rest of the stuff wouldn't make her drowsy!) But she had been on Prozac at some time in the recent past, and having just weaned myself off Prozac, I can well understand how a recent switch in meds might snatch the rug out from under her, emotionally....

I just can't be mean to her. I connect with her somehow. Somehow, I just know where she's coming from. I know she's needed a haven where no one's going to verbally or physically abuse her... where people respect her and she make her own choices as an adult (and get a little help when she's not thinking so clearly)....

Yeah, I tend to be a rescuer, but this is a little different. Mom just needs a hand up, so to speak... not a caretaker... and she does give back as she is able... so we do have a give and take. As long as we have some kind of give and take, it's all worthwhile. Even with her psychiatric problems, she's closer to me than my own mother was, and that really means something to me. Heh heh, just the fact that she never stands over me and tells me how I ought to be doing something, or making fun of the way I fold sheets or cut up vegetables, is a treasure to me.

Love,
Lil