id back that sentiment up that jane made about changing him with your actions, the best you may get to do is to set an example for him to follow...

I am a little confused now,after reading the rest of the posts. Reading your first post you spoke of intimacie being what you want is this emotional knowing ie closeness or sex (the other way people talk about sex without using the word sex!)????

i am sure theirs a diffrence going about getting either or trying to generate more of either? lol and their might be some answeres to one or the other depending on how its understood lol.

QUESTION do you have a clear idea of what you want, can you picture it in a day to day manner and how that would work out dailie between yourselfs, how youd behave towards each other, what you say and do that type of thing (assuming its emotional)....

Maybee cultivating more girlefrends would help you get some emotional fullfilment without having the whole weight of your emotional happiness on hubbies shoulders, if thats what your doing?

i think in this life we make ourselfs happie with self-love and then we get to share that with out partners, so thei'r not reliade upon to make us happie all the time when we aint? I dont know you or know if this is the case and just throwing out ideas.

your last sentences said you tried talking to him but he dont get it and then you withdraw....i dont know how manie times you tried talking but some things are worth repeating and repeating etc, After all been excousted then i think ok stay and find some other safe outlet for emotonal validasion and except hubbie as how he is or change myself..lastlie change the situasion ie end the marrige if it was necasariy and everiething else been excostade.

Is he happie and emotionalie fullfilled in the relashionship you have now, together?

have you wasted your life in a marrige, thats been happie enough so far, even if worse came to worse and their was an end to it soon. Or have you had 20 so yrs of a good marrige but unfortinuitlie it aint so happie now at this minuete. The attitude thing can be so important about how one views the past as it has a big impact on whats happening today..

Mrs Maddness,
Its true, our men really do treat us the way we allow them to treat us...

I would calm myself down and take the wonderful advice above, you DO catch more bees with honey, than vinegar. Be outrageous, be sexy in fun ways, and unless he is brain dead (a possibility) he will respond....

I've lost two good men to God in my lifetime and the third I divorced but he refuses to leave me alone, he says he loves me and always will and no women has ever stirred such feelings in him. DAH!!! Now remember I divorced him because we never had sex, he never acted like I was that special. I felt betrayed and like a hag. I became a nag and it just got worse....

Finally, I washed my hands of him and have never looked back, and when I do, there he is, lurking!

OH, hes a nice enough guy (Dianne met him) but not my cup of tea. I can do without the sex, but never the romance...

My other two husbands were always telling me how gorgeous or cute I was and I savored every minute. Hell, we deserve that much....

Have you ever considered having that honeymoon? I mean, plan it out as if you were twenty-somethings, plan out what you will do for fun, romance, sex, adventure - the whole kit and kaboodle. Working on this together, (take him out for a candlelit dinner alone to get his attention) might get the spark started.

There are also couples workshops available, that are more about learning how to be playful than theraputic. Something like this might give you a boost.

Also, learning to be happy with yourself and giving him the gift of a truly happy and fulfilled woman might be just the ticket to happiness.

To be perfectly honest, I'm strongly considering leaving the marriage. Of course I'm terrified of making that leap and looking back on it in a year or two and thinking it was the biggest mistake of my life. Some mistakes, once made, cannot be undone yeah?

And of course a huge issue is that (1) I'm in Russia so it's a little more complex than just getting in the car and driving down the road and (2) I have nowhere to go. But I don't want to let the fear of the unknown keep me stuck in what is looking like, a more and more empty marriage.

I dunno, I'm thinking thinking thinking. And I'm reading your replies.

This may sound over the top, but how about writing him a letter and laying it all out for him. At the end, tell him you need a night away alone to consider where the marriage is going. Take the little break. You may realize you don't want to leave the marriage and he may realize he better wake up and pay attention to his wife.

Msmadness, I am sorry you are going through this and just wanted to post a few ideas, also. Saying you really have no where to go if you left him, being in Russia and all, I feel for you.

Maybe you need to look deep inside yourself and ask the following Questions:

1.Is it just too much trouble to change him, or ask him to be more of what you want in a husband?

2.Is the change expected of him only or do you need to make some of your own?

3.If he changes, do you still want him or are you really wanting out of the marriage period? Have you fallen out of Love, so to speak?

Do you have 'couple friends' that you associate with? Maybe having a couple over or going out with them might stir up a little bit of fun and excitement. Entertain, go to a movie,etc. Maybe even vacation with another couple like a cruise. Getting out of the doldrums of marriage could be the key. A jumpstart to phase 2 if you like.

There aren't that many "good" men out there it seems so if the grass is looking greener on the other side, its probably just an illusion.

I've been married 4 times, widowed once and I can tell you, starting over again each time as a newlywed, getting to know each other and learn each other's habits etc. ain't all its cracked up to be.

Unless he's just a complete clod, he may be worth working on. Have him grow facial hair or change his mode of dress or whatever would interest you.

All the above suggestions seem very good. I don't mean to sound discouraging, but the more you admire and love yourself the better he will look to you, maybe, and all those other fish in the sea are starting to look like clones to me.

Sorry for just jumping in here but...

Have you ever read the book "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman? It's a wonderful book! DH and I both read it. No, we don't always speak in one another's "love language", but we are both educated now!

We are married 10 1/2 years...no children (not by choice). It's ALWAYS US! Yep, we get on one another nerves. I want his attention, but I know I irritate him. We both have been married twice before this (last and final) time, so we really have had some past issues to get over . And we still do.

May I suggest getting that book, and read some excerpts aloud to him. Then, leave it somewhere where he can read it himself.

DH left me a note in a section zooming in on one issue he NEEDED me to read....regarding LOOKING AT HIM when he speaks to me! Got the point!

My prayer is that you can both become the "one flesh" (once more) that was said in your vows.

I know how you are feeling. I have been married for over 30 years and now feel so alone. My kids are grown and hubby has no clue about me or what I am about. He is satisfied to just get old and do what he has been doing. He didn't grow in this relationship at all. Women are so much smarter than men. Who needs that. Keep trucking and growing and don't give up there is so much out there for women like us.

It's a mistake to think you can change someone else.

Better to live life joyfully and fruitfully but always leave door open for him to join you. And vice versa you must be open to his world...if parts of his world is positive also.

Example: I belong to a cycling internet forum where there are predominantly men. It's just reality...even in face-to-face co-ed cycling groups, men always outnumber women.

Quite a number of the men complain their wives don't even want them to cycle any or much at all. My first thought is: he may be shirking household/child care responsibilities or she just has not found a hobby / interest for herself outside of them as a couple or they don't share 1 interest together as a couple.