Since becoming a mother myself, my relationship with my mother has been unusual. Our family had a legacy of secrets and disfunction like so many families....I was the one who always questioned and didn't just accept the status quo. So on becoming a mom the dynamics of my relationship with my mother shifted. And since my father's death, I don't spend very much time at her house. I'm no longer a very good daughter. Oh I tried....I was first on the scene when dad collapsed, I was the one the doctor told and expected to tell mom. I was the one who called all the relatives, etc, etc. I took care of all the details and tried to be a great help to my family. But there is always this big....BUT...in her attitude toward me. I love you....BUT. You're a good wife/mom....BUT. Your house is nice....BUT. You know what I mean? My dad and I were incredibly close during the last dozen years of his life. And the closer we drew, the more strained my relationship with my mom. Now, I call and I stop by, but not like I should. I feel guilty and know that I should do better....BUT I just don't make myself.

Our lives are so full of shoulds, especially when it comes to family. Sounds to me like you have been a wonderful daughter BUT sometimes there are people in life that we just can't seem to satisfy. I don't mean to sound hearsh...sorry! This is what I picked up on in your post.

Who am I to say this, but maybe you could try to realize that whatever you do... it won't be enough. If you settle into that thought, it might help.

Sometimes different expectations (on our part) can change our relationships because we expect less and therefore don't have this picture of the absolute most perfect mother/daughter relationship.

Maybe in trying this you and your mom can draw closer.

I think many of us (myself included) want every relationship to be picture perfect and that isn't reality. Boo hoo!!!

Kathryn - you sure we aren't sisters ?

I hung on every word my mom said, wanted to please her, talked to her every day, worked with her for years, and could never satisfy her.

I finally came to realize that I never would be the daughter she had "hoped" -- and that was HER loss. I'm a good person and a very good daughter and what's important is that I know that. You have a family of your own now -- be the kind of mom that you wish your mom was with you -- be kind to your kids and proud of your kids and appreciate your kids -- have a different relationship with them than you have with your mom.

It's her loss -- you can't make someone feel the way you want them too -- you can only stay true to yourself and be a good mom to your kids -- thats the only thing you have power over.

If you let this guilt get to you -- then you haven't learned anything -- does that make sense? I think that's how we "grow" -- how society moves on -- if we didn't stand up for ourselves and say Hey -- that sucks -- I'm not doing it that way -- then women would still be wearing corsets and pleasing everyone else and letting men make all the decisions ;-)

You're a good person -- I don't have to "meet" you to sense that -- I just have to read your posts. Again I say -- it's your moms loss, and personally speaking, as long as you allow her to rule the child in you -- you'll never feel complete as an adult.

lion, I do think maybe we are sisters, and what you said in your post is right on the money....and that trying to please has hung me up in more than one relationship. Thanks to you and Dots for your kindness and your insights!

kathryn, i always came right out and said what i wanted to to my mom. well, actually not always. most of the time i did. when she was dying i did because i knew i had to. have you ever told her the way you feel? whenever i told my mom the way i felt it made things easier. often times it was something misconstrued years before, that festered. our parents were raised in a time where things were not "talked about". things were better left unsaid. one thing i feel very settled about with my mother's death is nothing was left unsaid. think about talking with her. it may be something that could be very easily fixed. i have a sister that felt like my mom was mean to her sometimes and felt like she could nevedr please mom. it was never that...it was that my mom missed being so much like my sister that she had a hard time dealing with the fact that she had lost her youth and wellness and just could never admit it or deal with it.

nill, I have talked to my mom over the years about this but my nickname for her is Cleopatra, queen of denial! We are better than we used to be but often tense. I did call her today and had a nice chat....even told her that I had written a post about guilt...she said, Kath don't ever feel like I feel you neglect me....I know you don't mean to. So there you go.

www.cse.unsw.edu.au/~geoffo/humour/flattery.html

if you're feeling sad or unappreciated -- copy/paste the above URL and then type in your first name when prompted

it will put a smile on your face ;-)

there was once a very wise woman who had a copy of a great sermon on guilt. maybe she will read this post and magically offer you a copy.