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#112113 - 03/23/07 12:13 AM stop 2 males being violent, whats your way?
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
well one way or another i worked in the field of addiction last 13 yrs or so...i worked with street homless drinkers, addicts in earlie recoverie and the parents of addicts. i am a big fan of peer support..
oppsss feel like i am writting a CV for a job heer.

Anyway earlie evening...addicts getting together for a group work...fine two of them have verbal (been snipping at each other over some weeks) last week the older one in his forties kicked the younger one in his 20's i didnt notice...so tonight their quitly being hostile to each other...the younger one goes into kitchen the older one follows and threatens to brake legs of younger one...but goes back into room to drink his tea....another bright male worker sane sencible, thinks its good idea to confrunt him and that they have a face to face chat about it then and their...luckie enough i see this and get into kitchen quick. Stop other worker getting older one back into the kitchen. take younger one outside for a cigarete calle the other worker we both take him home...
Thats my solusion to the situasion, in its intensitie and imidiate responces is to seperate the two warring factors before they get violent and stop a face to face "now lets be nice and civilized" and talk about it. Normalie i am all for this but when its so close to being violent its not the brightest of ideas...Afterwards ie tommorow the older man can be talked too but not tonight and not him facing younger lad.....So i am driving back after droping young lad home, with other sane sensible worker....We chatting about it putting our diffrent views across he finalie sees why its not wise for them to go face to face tonight and WHAT i was doing, he's shaken up at this point and chain smoking....he hadn't relized i was taking young lad home to make sure they weer seperated therfore no chances of violences...
yea i have experinces and i am cool when all hell brakes loss thats my nature. It clicked over and above thes things i am a woman so think diffrentlie...sometimes outside a mindset brings a diffrent solution men at times are full of pride and not lossing face....Our diffrences in attitudes and ways of being in the world sometime brings advantiges...IS THAT WHY HE WAS SO AMAZED AT WHAT A BRIGHT IDEA I HAD ...

i just needed to chat and 3 hours later i get or relize i have the adreniline rush going on, (its calming) but onlie after i talked the other worker with me down and back to being calm....its this typical of women or is it being a mummie.

whats your way of dealing with males being aggresive and about to be violent..?
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#112114 - 03/23/07 01:25 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: celtic_flame]
Anno Offline
Member

Registered: 09/15/05
Posts: 4434
Loc: Minneapolis Minnesota
The feminine way is exactly what you described. Seperate and let them cool off. Not losing face - big with men.

On the other hand, maybe men cool off by punching each other? It is difficult to say, since we are all women here.

Working with youth for so long, I have always dealt with situations like this, exactly like you. For what it is worth - I would have done the same as you.
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#112115 - 03/23/07 07:24 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: Anno]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Quote:

Thats my solusion to the situasion, in its intensitie and imidiate responces is to seperate the two warring factors before they get violent and stop a face to face "now lets be nice and civilized" and talk about it.



That is the best solution. Although if these guys are big, you risk getting shoved to the side. If I weren't able to do that I would have run for help.

My sons used to fight terribly. Nothing like what you have described...just the normal sibling fighting, but sometimes they threw horrible punches. I hated that and had a very hard time dealing with it. I always separated them and sent each one to his room. They recovered quickly and were the best of friends within a short time, while I was in the kitchen drinking tea to calm my still jittery nerves.

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#112116 - 03/23/07 11:04 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: Edelweiss]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
addicts and cops don't go together verie well but id have no trouble calling them but time they arrive someones batterd anyway and its all over...but its a good deterint. Also if your violent then your not allowed back which dose and dosent work depending how mad they are at the time, it dosent happen all that often, in all honestie.
It just amasizes me that what is natural for a women to do is sometimes so verie unatural for a man to do and vice veersa....hay our diffrences work to advantige in diffrent situasions.

I think the other lad (worker)now he has had the aha! moment he know what to do next time, gess thats what experinces is all about.
What dose shock me is you think a man in his fourties would have grown out of fighting to resolve things...He is a fit man he a bilder and works out at the jim, i did tell po expecting a mini leacture but i didn't get one she was half asleep and muttering about testosterone hehehe she not mentioned it today.

Geting pushed or hit in the cross fire not something thats ever happend in anyway that hurt....At the time i don't think about that but do afterwards once its all over...and hate being scared. Hay maybee thats why i am calm at the time in middle of it, its shock!!! and not calmness, well its possible.

when i think about it then i think i too old for all this....and i am a mummie lol Hence thats why i wan't to change field of work but its a path that always leads back to same place....is it a destinie thing i wonder? lol, its not funnie but is at the same time...Hence you get me complaining about it from time to time...it all has its rewards but down sides at times...and i get down a bit with them. Do you think that sometimes types of employment can be a destinie, not quite a vovasion but you know what i meen, like you have born teachers or leaders or something...????

well at lest its nice to know that it is a female thing to seperate untill calm....and that you had janglie nerves as well HL...

One of you said men throw punchies as a stress relife, i thought that at times too....i don't understand the, "right we had a dig its over and now we are mates thing"....i not as forgiven if i get hit, i do like working with men and even alongside them ut their still bits of behaviour weer i feel like a total alien...

dahhh well i am a girl lol, figures.
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#112117 - 03/23/07 12:16 PM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: celtic_flame]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
Men do think differently about this. And sometimes it's neccessary for them to get things off their chests before they can become friends. I don't fully understand it, being a woman, but my son was trying to explain this same thing to me the other day. Said all he had to do was fight 3 different guys to become top dog, so to speak. I was shocked, as this had happened in the past without my knowledge.
The way I think I understand would relate to the "pack theory" (like a pack of wolves, in nature) They have to determine who is the leader and then they can all fall into place with each other. I personally think it's crazy but they seem to have been doing this forever and it works for them.
Another thing they do, that we don't, is insult each other. I mean it seems to me that the closer they are to each other, the worse they insult each other. They call each other fat and stupid and still remain the best of friends. I mean if my good friend called me fat and stupid, I wouldn't consider her a good friend anymore! I don't get it but then maybe we women aren't supposed to get it... LOL

Sorry you had to deal with a tense situation Celtic but I think you handled it very well!
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#112118 - 03/23/07 01:32 PM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: TVC15]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
I run the other way because it scares me so much!
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#112119 - 03/27/07 01:43 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: Dianne]
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Have seen too many brawls between drunks in the lounges my husband owned. Its amazing what alcohol can do the the male mind. Lest we not forget the women drunks and there are more than you might imagine. The men scared the beegebies out of me but the women made me laugh. Don't ask me why this double standard exists, it just does. So glad I don't drink and never did.
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#112120 - 03/27/07 01:54 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: Dianne]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
You know, I'm glad you asked that question. I was sitting at home and saw a group of boys push my 7 yr. old grandson off his bicycle and then started punching him, hard!

I freaked out. I saw red and was about to jump through the screen and tear off in that direction to throw punches and take names later. I knew the adrenaline rush, the purely feral instinct to protect and defend someone I love dearly!

His dad stopped me before I made a new exit through the wall of my house on the way out and said, "Let him handle it!" He was actually angry with me for wanting to defend him.

The other boys were older and much bigger. I finally convinced the dad to go to him and bring him home. When the little guy got home his dad immediately began showing him how and where to most effectively issue blows to the older bigger boys.

When I objected he said, "When will it end then?" "If the other boys learn they can pick on Dublin, then they will continue to." I don't want my grandson to get hurt, but I don't want him to be a woos either.

I would fight someone if pushed into it it defend myself or someone who couldn't or wouldn't defend themselves. I've seen too many people working their mouths trying to negotiate when a fist lands in it and they're unable to speak.

I know what you mean though, most women shy away from conflict. I don't know why. If intelligence and cunning and negotiation fails, I've got "moves" to get me by and I'd like to think I'm very feminine.
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#112121 - 03/27/07 10:21 AM Re: stop 2 males being violent, whats your way? [Re: NewLeaf]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
your son in law got a point in him having to defend himself, at times and needs to know how.....but this was a group of boys and older and bigger...the trouble is the wee lad may be so overwhelmed and beaten by the experinces that it ends up in his head he is week....then thats a big red flag to bullies for the rest of his life...Think the trick is in balances and to know when he has a chance and when he dosent.

I don't like violences at all and yes i scared by it but i still do my best to stop it or side steap it for myself and on behalf of others.....if i hadent ran the wee lad home (20 is a wee boy to me) he would have been badlie beat (the older man wasent joking) and the beating would have happend in front of the rest of the group...

as of being a women in the midst of this, i aint strong enough or young enough to fight....being a woman has some advantige as rarlie am i directlie challenged..but i not a man i don't have the same macho standers and can turn it into a joke and joke myself or reason myself out of trouble.....rember i not alone its not a one to one situasion...I would be more scared then...Figting not alowed and would have the agresser put out the programme.....Yes he may be an ar** but away from the programe then he one lesds oppertunitie to recover from his addiction...

I don't know if its couse i am female or if its a god thing but i feel preetie blessed that i am never realie hurt dspite being in close proximitie to so much agression or actule violences...
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