Ladies, I've 'spoken' of the difficult relationship I have w/ my mother and family, which stems from childhood (emotional from parents, sexual from uncles) abuse that continued into adulthood by us girls marrying abusive men. I'm out of that relationship and have learned to disengage and set boundaries with my mother and other family members.

Through this process of setting boundaries, I've learned to control my responses and anger at the still hurtful things my mother says. For instance, I was not invited for Christmas dinner, so I entertained myself. For Christmas presents I mostly purchased gift cards. For the younger nieces I asked Mom what would they like and that's what I bought, and Mom bought the same thing, so I exchanged as necessary. I planned to take my niece to the museum, instead Mom took her, so I made other plans. I took Mom to lunch and we shopped for my kitchen furniture, yet later she complained to her husband. Also, she told the furniture store reps how much money I made and that I was expecting a raise, so we were just looking and if 'my daughter gets the pay raise, she'll come back and place the order'! I was so embarrassed! Then she said I need new bed linens and picked out a nice horse hunt scene, knowing I'm on a budget, afterall I'm awaiting that raise. So, I ask her how much, she replies half off! Again, I ask how much? It was about $800 w/out the decorative pillows! I just had to leave b/c by that time I could not breath and was feeling rather hot, think I saw some stars, too!

She calls me on New Years eve and abruptly asks why I have not picked up her dog b/c they are going to the lake for the holiday, yet this was the first I've heard and the last to know! I told her to bring over the dog and pick him up when they get back.

She informed me a few days ago that her husband (my step-father) is having heart surgery next Thursday, and I'm the last to know! This is major surgery! And she tells me as if she were asking me to pass the salt!

Tonight she actually volunteered to walk my dog after she gets off work today @ 4 PM, knowing that I have class tonight and would not be home until after 9 PM. I usually turn off my phone while in class, yet tonight I did not and she called me at 7:30 PM to inform me that the key no longer worked and she was unable to walk my dog! I was so mad and asked why had she not called me earlier when she arrived at my house as I could have given the exterior security code and she could have gained entrance through the garage! Poor dawg! She says she was only trying to help, yet caused more stress.

The last few times she tried to help my pergo flooring actually cracked as did my rear vehicle bumper!

Everything is the opposite with her and I truly belive it is intentional. She will drop everything and drive 100+ miles to help my siblings or a friend, yet cannot remember to include me in family holidays.

Recently, she invited me over to discuss the 2007 family vacation. Now, last year we planned our vacation to Disney World for Thanksgving 2006. Well, May 2006 they went and did not tell me until they returned that the vacation had been changed! Apparantly, my mother forgot to confirm the timeshare, thus the early vacation. My mother retired from Ma Bell (Bell South) after 30 years, and she can't figure out how to make a phone call?

Thanksgiving 2006 we usually meet at aunt/uncle across town and I'm told to bring 2 casseroles. My aunt asks why I brought two as she asked that we each bring one item, my mother complains that it was my idea! I bought Christmas tickets to an outdoor light show near the river and she complained even though I was paying! We took my two youngest nieces and they loved it.

She expects me to take care of her when her husband is not able, yet I don't want to. I love her, but don't like her very much. She and my biological father did not protect us from abuse and placed their 'things' and 'social lives' 1st. My sister and I raised ourselves.

So enough of that. Is it my responsibility to take care of a parent(s) that did not do the same for a child(ren)? I feel that keeping the boundaries guarantees my sanity.

Due to circumstances I've become a loner, not the type to have a bunch of friends, have learned to not worry about what others think about me (well almost), am learning to be true to myself, I try not to snow or dazzle anyone.

Her attempts to help cause stress and financial costs when she 'accidently' damages my property. When the later occurs, she simply says well you did much worse things as a child. Well, thats just it, I was a child, I'm a responsible adult now and she is a 60ish year old child/martyr.

Nothing I accomplish is ever good enough. Thus, why do I feel guilty for not wanting to take care of her as says I must do? I feel it is her responsibility to make the appropriate plans, I believe it is a selfish request and don't want to speak of it again with her. I will not allow emotional blackmail, as a child she did this, it cannot continue.

I'll stop. Am I being unreasonable? Gosh, here I go questioning myself again! Is this not what an abuser wants a victim to do?

Yet, please do pray for my step-father's surgery next week.

Thanks for listening again Ladies.

Hi, MustangGal: Firstly, your reaction is not unreasonable at all. It takes a hard heart not to feel the same way as you do especially if the conduct which hurt comes from one you love. I believe that in all relationships, when it gets too taxing, hurtful and the whole affair becomes too exhausting to balance, one could be allowed to dust one's sandals and disassociate, not for long, but for a short while, for a breath of fresh air. Sometimes, one might just have to if only to save oneself from further hurt. Your attempts at communication seems to fail to resolve anything and instead, causes you further pain. "Save your breath to cool your porridge" might be apt for when the other party has failed to listen. Can you, for the moment, love from a distance? Is there anyone else in the immediate family you are more closer to and wherefrom you can still connect?

Great advice Lola. Exactly that advice has helped me many times. Making a distance between yourself and the one who hurts you is often more powerful than words.

Mustang, I've been there with one of my sons. The only thing that truly helped was getting my life back for myself. You and only you are responsible for your life and the way you allow yourself to be treated.

You said you were always a loner. Maybe you should try to actively change that. Get out there, join clubs, meet people. And when Mom gets a whim to call; -- hey…you don't have the time. It's very hard in the beginning…sort of like quitting smoking,; but you know it's good for you, and you have to change your life for your own good.

All the best speedy recovery wishes for your step-father.
Hannelore

Mustang, I am holding your Step-Dad in prsyer. Your post made me hurt for you. I wish things were different between you and your Mom. How is your overall relationship with your Step - Dad?

chick

We've discussed this before...you need to walk away and stop allowing yourself to get pulled back in. Send cards on holidays, birthdays, etc but other than that, stay away. I know from experience.

I've always heard that people (family) who hurt us do so because, THEY KNOW THEY CAN. We allow them to get away with it. Seems that sometimes a family member strikes out at us and they do so because they KNOW we love them and will allow it. Your Mom knows you love her, but for your own heart's sake, DON'T allow it.

Walk away from the situation and give yourself some room. The advice given above is excellent. I've also found that "older" people who have a habit of doing this do not change. It only gets worse as they get older. Save yourself NOW.

You are the only YOU, you've got.

There's a book called Taking Care of Your Parents when They Didn't Take Care of You. I've never read it. I've only heard about it. You may want to check it out on Amazon and see if it would help. The subtitle has something to do with making peace so it might not be the right book. Just a suggestion.

Your post is heartbreaking. You do not deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

What do you ladies think of writing a note to her parents to explain the hurt through the years? Would that be helpful?

Maybe just writing the letter and venting through it would help. I don't know if sending it would be written amunition that could be used against you, yet again.

Geez, I feel like setting up an Adopt a Mom website. I sure could use a Mom figure to converse with sometimes, now that mine has passed on.

Well, to get back on topic, Mustang, have you ever had a one-on-one heart to heart, no interruptions with your Mom? Is it possible. maybe you could read the 'letter' to her without actually passing it over to her.

Yours is a post that has captured me. I wish I could snap my fingers...

Luv,
chick

I feel it will give her mother yet another chance to upset her. People like her are never wrong.

I too don't think I would mail the letter, or share it with anyone. It would/could possibly be theraputic in nature though.

I doubt very seriously that showing or reading Mom the letter would change a lifetime of dare I say it, abuse?

I HAVE written one of those letters and not mailed/given it to my mom. It did NOT do the trick (for me).

Mustang, I don't drink, but "crying in our beer" sounds good right now. Not only did I understand your hurt and query, I welled up with "what's wrong with people." Following that with, "what the frig is wrong with me?"

I recently fulfilled a request from my mom and because the cat pushed the door open after I left, my dad got a call at rehab, my oldest brother got a call at work, my younger brother got a call on his cell, my next youngest sister got a call at home... no telling what friends and other siblings my mom called... the ones listed are the ones I got calls from, asking why I left the door open. This was after I ran the time sensitive errand, plus giving her my newly bought book of stamps. I was so hurt, it was "no more for that hag." But, she has called since, and I still feel the need to be there for her.

I want to share with you another something I tried. We went over to eat with them last Friday evening on my dad's invitation (he gets lonely for sane company). She was doing her "control" thing, and Daddy apologized for it. I told him we needed to ignore her actions, so as not to perpetuate them (at least for the evening). So, all evening I was as close to being cold to her as possible without being rude or hurtful. By the time we had returned home, she had called and left a message on our answering machine, asking an off the wall question about Beverly LaHaye. The message was pleasant, so I knew she knew I was not going to put up with her antics. Poor Daddy, tho, he caught the brunt of it that evening and the next day! My husband went over Sat. to deliver a diskette and she was still at him. That, I can hardly live with, so I probably won't try that method of handling her again.

Mustang, we could trade moms for a year or two. Once you dealt with mine, you'd probably want yours back! BUT, really, in all sincerety, I am feeling for you. I wish I could fix it, for now and always. (((HUGS)))

When someone comes up with THE solution, please POST it in all CAPS!

There is no one solution for everyone. Everybody's different. We all have to deal with things the way our hearts dictate.

I remember telling Daddy one time that so N so made me feel bla...bla..bla....he said, "I beg to differ with you. NO ONE, NO ONE can get inside your head and make you feel or react ANY ONE WAY. You do that to yourself."

He was right of course. It doesn't make it any less pleasant, especially when you don't deserve the treatment, such as yourself. I can only hope that you will try and find some good out of this if only to realize you will never treat someone this way. At least that's something?

thats a good pice of wisdom your dad shared with you jj...whish i lesrned it younger, ....waite im still learning it at times ....

ugh a good title for this post mustang, after reading your post i thought that too in a eyes to the sky hands to the sky what a pridiciament for you kinda thing.....

their a ferry boat between me and my dad so we mostly chatt by phone and sometimes i counting and holding my breath at those times.....but i got a legitimate excouse not to be physically their too often, thank goodness.

sorry it aint going good for you ladies but your doing the best ya can....think it be better than i could do...hence the ferry boat drive
guilt hard but my sanity more important ....yea i got a call today i really know how important sanity is today lol
celtic

I'm sorry to hear that your mom is quite hurtful in her selfish way. There are times, one wonders if she is demanding attention or testing your love/faithfulness in a backhanded way. Stupid, eh?

Hope you walk away from Mom for awhile. But for your sake, hopefully there IS a sibling or 2 that you feel comfortable and close. Under such circumstances, when there is toxic parent-child relationship, that to have a good sibling is great....to feel still family-connectedness in a positive way.

My mother just phoned me this evening..and to lecture me abit.it's been weeks since we've spoken..I won't go into the details. But it was still a pleasant, brief chat. I let her be...she lives far away.

Sounds like your mom resents your being successful in life. It seems she is constantly trying to undermine you. She probably has very low self esteem.

Have you ever asked her to be perfectly honest with you and tell you why it seems she is resentful of you?

Its difficult to understand but we are to honor our parents in order to live long lives. I've mulled that around for years. I think that means that we have an obligation to respect their position as parents in our lives, the participants in our creation, but we don't have to like them.

Much like honoring the office of president as a citizen of our beloved US, but not necessarily liking or approving the office holder during their 4 years.
Does that make any sense?

Thank you, ladies!

Lola, I attempt to connect with my nieces when they visit and over the phone as they live in GA.

Hannelore, key point in being responsible for my happiness and “the way you allow yourself to be treated.”

Dianne recommended and I’ve been reading “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, which on page 83 suggests to ‘stop being offended’ because ‘that which offends you only weakens you.’

Chickadee, thank you for the prayers! Yes, I’ve had a heart-to-heart with my mother, and is basically boiled down to I was always wrong and cheap! Her best friend has money as does her children, thus she prefers their company.

JawJaw, that’s exactly it, she knows she can hurt me and chooses to, which is not a motherly instinct. Your father is right; by reacting to another I allow them to have control.

Dotsie, thank you for suggesting the book ‘Taking Care of Your Parents When They Didn’t Take Care of You,’ I’ll check it at the library!

Gimster, maybe our mothers should hang out with each other, wonder if that might be the SOLUTION! Let them have a taste from the same spoon! I’m sorry that your mother is controlling, too!

Celtic, my mother only lives 10 miles (7 km) away, wishing it were a ferry boat’s distance, tho!

Orchid, I don’t have a close relationship with my siblings, yet I’ve learned to be polite as they can be argumentative. I believe this is stoked by our differences, they having children (one sister is married, the other a want-to-be hippy wild child w/ 4 children and several boyfriends), while I continue my education (they think its stupid) and have freedoms not involving children.

NewLeaf, I absolutely agree that I can respect her position and love her, just don’t like her!

You've got to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. What pulls you back to be insulted over and over again? There is something there that draws you. Do you believe if you continue to try and prove yourself she will love you the way you need? It won't happen because it's her problem, not yours.

Dear MustangGal,
My biological mom fit your mom's description. She never got tired of hurting her kids. Vent via writing. Then throw it away. Nobody can use it against you, that way. It's good you air some hurt here, too. I'll pray for your stepdad. And pray for you.
Blessings,
bonnie rose

Bonnie, thank you for your prayers.

Dianne, I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. She called me yesterday to remind me that the operation is Wednesday, however last week she said it was March 1st which is Thursday. So I called to confirm today and blah, blah, blah, she is right and I'm wrong. In the past we've discussed the President and she says the opposite of my opinion. Yet, whether she calls me tomorrow or not (after the surgery) I will visit my step-dad at the hospital. Also, tonight she reminded me that the key does not work on my house and wants a new one, I said no and reminded her of the alternate entrance. It appears she wanted to come over today to 'help' me by walking the dog, yet I don't have class Tuesdays, this semester my late class is Thursdays! I constantly remind her, and she seems to get out of the commitment, much like my ex-husband.

I've wondered if this is what keeps me from wanting relatinships w/ others? With my mother, I know what to expect, with others I don't and yet expect the same treatment of my family and ex-husband.

After the operation, I'm back to no contact unless it involves my nieces. I want time with them and unfortunately when they visit here they stay with mom and I've to make arrangements with her. And well, thats all I can do.

I'm sure your attraction to your ex stemmed from your relationship with your mother. Their personalities are a lot alike and your inner self recognized this. This combination can cause obsession sometimes.

My ex abuser was a lot like my dad and after therapy, I understood that was the draw. If I could get it right with the ex, it was like getting it right with my dad. And, until we finally "get it" we will continue to draw the same people into our lives.

You have to work out your relationship with yourself first. To continue to go back into situations that hurt us (your mother) is a form of self-abuse and must be something you think you deserve. I know I did. Until I stopped allowing these people to treat me the way they did, my story never changed.

You don't have to have a face to face or write a letter because the past is a very good indicator of the future. You've done that and was hurt again so why do it again? Because you keep hoping you'll get a different response.

Consider this: you are a better person because of the way she treats you. You have compassion for those who have been unloved by their role models, you can help others who have been abused, you have an understanding that was caused by your walk through fire. Use these things to help others and your own life will be healed.

Focus on what you have, not on what you don't have. As far as I know, you have a good paying job, are continuing your education, own your own house, have the love of your pets and even have a horse to ride. This can be your focus. You've done very well for yourself in spite of your mother.

I finally came to the realization that "we, are all we ever really have." Learn to love yourself, learn what you need for happiness and steer clear of people and circumstnces that make you sad or pull you down. Once you can begin to do that your life will brighten considerably.

Mustang, my heart ached when I read your post. You deserve better than that.

Everyone gave great advice. My take? Move as far away as possible. Don't visit your mom, ever. Can't your nieces stay with you once in a while? If physically moving (at least an hour away) is not feasible, change your phone # and unlist it.

I know this sounds cold, but she'll emotionally abuse you until the day she dies. You have to decide if it's really worth it.

Mustang,
I have a disfunctional family as well. They ain't gonna change so you need to find a new family. By that I mean we don't get to pick our family but we do get to pick our friends who can become our new family.

Get out there and find some friends who will treat you the way you deserve. You are a wonderful person and deserve to be loved.

Once you've found a good friend you can rely on to trade assistance with such as walking your doggie you'll be a much happier person.

Don't give your mom a key. That's just one more way she's in control and she doesn't deserve it and don't take her shopping with you anymore.

Listen to Diane, she knows.

Oh, and in my humble opinion, you don't owe her anything. Let the other sibs who she cares more about take care of her @$$ when she gets old and needs attention.



Did I say that? Well, I am serious. Where do these parents get off thinking their kids owe them when they were never there for them when they needed it?

I certainly wouldn't expect my kids to take care of me if I didn't take care of them.

::Laurel gets down from her soapbox and walks quietly away::

Laurel

Dianne, excellent insight and great advice.

Yes, parents can be hurtful. They are people with all their issues and problems -- whether or not they deal with them. Sometimes there is no way but minimalized contact, no matter how hard it hurts.

My parents have been gone for over 25 years, so I can't totally relate. However, my sister lives in NY and I live in CA and that's close enough for me -- especially since she won't get on an airplane! LOL!

But seriously, it's important, as many others have suggested, that you live your own life and begin making your own friends. Not everyone is like your mom. By having friends, you'll start getting the love and affection you are looking for from your mom -- who obviously can't give it to you -- for whatever reason.

in spirit,