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#108734 - 02/23/07 10:03 PM Re: Ugh! [Re: jawjaw]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
I HAVE written one of those letters and not mailed/given it to my mom. It did NOT do the trick (for me).

Mustang, I don't drink, but "crying in our beer" sounds good right now. Not only did I understand your hurt and query, I welled up with "what's wrong with people." Following that with, "what the frig is wrong with me?"

I recently fulfilled a request from my mom and because the cat pushed the door open after I left, my dad got a call at rehab, my oldest brother got a call at work, my younger brother got a call on his cell, my next youngest sister got a call at home... no telling what friends and other siblings my mom called... the ones listed are the ones I got calls from, asking why I left the door open. This was after I ran the time sensitive errand, plus giving her my newly bought book of stamps. I was so hurt, it was "no more for that hag." But, she has called since, and I still feel the need to be there for her.

I want to share with you another something I tried. We went over to eat with them last Friday evening on my dad's invitation (he gets lonely for sane company). She was doing her "control" thing, and Daddy apologized for it. I told him we needed to ignore her actions, so as not to perpetuate them (at least for the evening). So, all evening I was as close to being cold to her as possible without being rude or hurtful. By the time we had returned home, she had called and left a message on our answering machine, asking an off the wall question about Beverly LaHaye. The message was pleasant, so I knew she knew I was not going to put up with her antics. Poor Daddy, tho, he caught the brunt of it that evening and the next day! My husband went over Sat. to deliver a diskette and she was still at him. That, I can hardly live with, so I probably won't try that method of handling her again.

Mustang, we could trade moms for a year or two. Once you dealt with mine, you'd probably want yours back! BUT, really, in all sincerety, I am feeling for you. I wish I could fix it, for now and always. (((HUGS)))

When someone comes up with THE solution, please POST it in all CAPS!

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#108735 - 02/23/07 10:40 PM Re: Ugh! [Re: gims]
jawjaw Offline
Da Queen

Registered: 07/02/03
Posts: 12025
Loc: Alabama
There is no one solution for everyone. Everybody's different. We all have to deal with things the way our hearts dictate.

I remember telling Daddy one time that so N so made me feel bla...bla..bla....he said, "I beg to differ with you. NO ONE, NO ONE can get inside your head and make you feel or react ANY ONE WAY. You do that to yourself."

He was right of course. It doesn't make it any less pleasant, especially when you don't deserve the treatment, such as yourself. I can only hope that you will try and find some good out of this if only to realize you will never treat someone this way. At least that's something?

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#108736 - 02/24/07 03:58 AM Re: Ugh! [Re: jawjaw]
celtic_flame Offline


Registered: 11/24/06
Posts: 2930
Loc: Belfast/Northern Ireland
thats a good pice of wisdom your dad shared with you jj...whish i lesrned it younger, ....waite im still learning it at times ....

ugh a good title for this post mustang, after reading your post i thought that too in a eyes to the sky hands to the sky what a pridiciament for you kinda thing.....

their a ferry boat between me and my dad so we mostly chatt by phone and sometimes i counting and holding my breath at those times.....but i got a legitimate excouse not to be physically their too often, thank goodness.

sorry it aint going good for you ladies but your doing the best ya can....think it be better than i could do...hence the ferry boat drive
guilt hard but my sanity more important ....yea i got a call today i really know how important sanity is today lol
celtic
_________________________
"Our attitude either gets in the way or creates a way," Sam Glenn

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#108737 - 02/24/07 04:38 AM Re: Ugh! [Re: gims]
orchid Offline


Registered: 01/21/07
Posts: 3675
Loc: British Columbia, Canada
I'm sorry to hear that your mom is quite hurtful in her selfish way. There are times, one wonders if she is demanding attention or testing your love/faithfulness in a backhanded way. Stupid, eh?

Hope you walk away from Mom for awhile. But for your sake, hopefully there IS a sibling or 2 that you feel comfortable and close. Under such circumstances, when there is toxic parent-child relationship, that to have a good sibling is great....to feel still family-connectedness in a positive way.

My mother just phoned me this evening..and to lecture me abit.it's been weeks since we've spoken..I won't go into the details. But it was still a pleasant, brief chat. I let her be...she lives far away.
_________________________
http://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/ (How cycling leads to other types of adventures, thoughts)
http://velourbansism.wordpress.com


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#108738 - 02/24/07 04:48 AM Re: Ugh! [Re: orchid]
NewLeaf Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/05
Posts: 1066
Loc: Deland, Florida
Sounds like your mom resents your being successful in life. It seems she is constantly trying to undermine you. She probably has very low self esteem.

Have you ever asked her to be perfectly honest with you and tell you why it seems she is resentful of you?

Its difficult to understand but we are to honor our parents in order to live long lives. I've mulled that around for years. I think that means that we have an obligation to respect their position as parents in our lives, the participants in our creation, but we don't have to like them.

Much like honoring the office of president as a citizen of our beloved US, but not necessarily liking or approving the office holder during their 4 years.
Does that make any sense?
_________________________
Aarikja Ann

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#108739 - 02/25/07 01:48 AM Re: Ugh! [Re: NewLeaf]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Thank you, ladies!

Lola, I attempt to connect with my nieces when they visit and over the phone as they live in GA.

Hannelore, key point in being responsible for my happiness and “the way you allow yourself to be treated.”

Dianne recommended and I’ve been reading “The Power of Intention” by Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, which on page 83 suggests to ‘stop being offended’ because ‘that which offends you only weakens you.’

Chickadee, thank you for the prayers! Yes, I’ve had a heart-to-heart with my mother, and is basically boiled down to I was always wrong and cheap! Her best friend has money as does her children, thus she prefers their company.

JawJaw, that’s exactly it, she knows she can hurt me and chooses to, which is not a motherly instinct. Your father is right; by reacting to another I allow them to have control.

Dotsie, thank you for suggesting the book ‘Taking Care of Your Parents When They Didn’t Take Care of You,’ I’ll check it at the library!

Gimster, maybe our mothers should hang out with each other, wonder if that might be the SOLUTION! Let them have a taste from the same spoon! I’m sorry that your mother is controlling, too!

Celtic, my mother only lives 10 miles (7 km) away, wishing it were a ferry boat’s distance, tho!

Orchid, I don’t have a close relationship with my siblings, yet I’ve learned to be polite as they can be argumentative. I believe this is stoked by our differences, they having children (one sister is married, the other a want-to-be hippy wild child w/ 4 children and several boyfriends), while I continue my education (they think its stupid) and have freedoms not involving children.

NewLeaf, I absolutely agree that I can respect her position and love her, just don’t like her!

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#108740 - 02/26/07 03:18 PM Re: Ugh! [Re: ]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
You've got to ask yourself what you are getting out of this relationship. What pulls you back to be insulted over and over again? There is something there that draws you. Do you believe if you continue to try and prove yourself she will love you the way you need? It won't happen because it's her problem, not yours.
_________________________
If it doesn't feel good, don't do it twice.
www.eadv.net



Boomer Queen of Shoes

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#108741 - 02/27/07 03:09 PM Been there. Done that. [Re: jawjaw]
jabber Offline
Member

Registered: 02/17/05
Posts: 10032
Loc: New York State
Dear MustangGal,
My biological mom fit your mom's description. She never got tired of hurting her kids. Vent via writing. Then throw it away. Nobody can use it against you, that way. It's good you air some hurt here, too. I'll pray for your stepdad. And pray for you.
Blessings,
bonnie rose

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#108742 - 02/28/07 02:23 AM Re: Been there. Done that. [Re: jabber]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Bonnie, thank you for your prayers.

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#108743 - 02/28/07 02:32 AM Re: Been there. Done that. [Re: ]
Anonymous
Unregistered


Dianne, I'm not getting anything out of the relationship. She called me yesterday to remind me that the operation is Wednesday, however last week she said it was March 1st which is Thursday. So I called to confirm today and blah, blah, blah, she is right and I'm wrong. In the past we've discussed the President and she says the opposite of my opinion. Yet, whether she calls me tomorrow or not (after the surgery) I will visit my step-dad at the hospital. Also, tonight she reminded me that the key does not work on my house and wants a new one, I said no and reminded her of the alternate entrance. It appears she wanted to come over today to 'help' me by walking the dog, yet I don't have class Tuesdays, this semester my late class is Thursdays! I constantly remind her, and she seems to get out of the commitment, much like my ex-husband.

I've wondered if this is what keeps me from wanting relatinships w/ others? With my mother, I know what to expect, with others I don't and yet expect the same treatment of my family and ex-husband.

After the operation, I'm back to no contact unless it involves my nieces. I want time with them and unfortunately when they visit here they stay with mom and I've to make arrangements with her. And well, thats all I can do.

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