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#105948 - 01/31/07 05:56 PM 13 year old son, not so innocent
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
As many of you know I have a drug addict son, age 22 and two other children 13 and 14. My eldest has lived with me until age 18 when I kicked him out as he was not working, not going to school, just doing drugs and sleeping all day. I had no choice but to move him out because of the influence on my younger two but he kept coming back and was constantly in and out of jail. I got no help from the ministry of children and was in a catch 22 situation because by letting him stay I was harming my younger two, but the ministry would not remove him. I wanted him to go to a group home as he was out of control but I was on my own. At the moment he lives elsewhere and I have requested he not come to the house that I will meet him at the coffee shop for visits or at his place. I don't want him around my other two children.

Anyway I know some damage has already been done. My 13 year old son has changed drastically since last year. He is secretive and I have been trying to get on to his msn but he has a password. Somehow I managed to get some info from the history area and I was shocked. He has been experimenting with drugs and sex. He has had a girlfriend for the past four months. He has regular weekend sleep overs at his boy friends house. On his msn I found out that one of the nights that he was supposed to be sleeping over at his friends, he actually slept over at his girlfriends. I have no idea where her parents were. I do know that the one friends room is down the basement and the parents seem oblivious about what goes on with their kids. I am not judging them as I am finding out that I don't know much either. When my son does have sleep overs at my house I know where they are as all three bedrooms are beside each other.
Today I found out that there is going to be a large fight after school and called the principal to give her a heads up. She is going to put a stop to it before it happens. There are two schools involved. She is going to call the other school, check the students lockers for weapons and let the students know that the police will be involved to scare them into not doing this again.

The fact that my son has become so angry since last year really concerns me and I am unfortunately finding out that he is someone that I cannot trust. I am at a loss as to what measures to take. I try to give them their privacy (my Mom was always in my stuff) but now that I know what is going on I of course have to do something. I am going to stop all sleep overs at his friends house which will put my son into a rage. What would you do? If I tell him that I read his emails he will be angry that I went into his private mail, but at the same time he is heading for real trouble. He is failing at school as well and seems to gravitate towards kids in the same situation.
Comments more than appreciated.
thanks,
Kate

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#105950 - 02/01/07 12:33 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: ]
TVC15 Offline
Member

Registered: 09/03/04
Posts: 2538
Loc: North Carolina
I don't have any advice but wanted to wish you the best in dealing with this.
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#105951 - 02/01/07 03:47 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: katebcca]
Laurel Offline


Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 431
Loc: Oklahoma, USA
Don't tell him you read his website. Whatever you do. That's your only way of finding out some of the things he does. If he asks tell him, mom's have ways of finding these things out. I used to tell my kids this and now that they are adults they thought I had eyes in the back of my head and a crystal ball. It keeps them on their toes because they don't know how you are finding out.

I'd also have a talk with his girlfriend's parents. As long as you aren't acusing or condemning they should listen. They may be as much in the dark as you are and if they know about it they might be a little bit more careful with their daughter's freedom. If not the little girl may come up pregnant or with a STD.

Any other friends that are in on the drug use, their parents need to be aware of their kid's behaviour too. If they don't act like they care you can always let the police know what's going on. In this day and age sometimes the parents are in on it.

We parents have to stick together and help each other out. Who knows, they may know somethings you didn't know. If the kids find out the parents are ganging up on them they might straighten up.

Oh and I'd also get that boy some counceling. Medical insurance sometimes covers this sort of thing here in the states. I know your country is a little different. If they won't get you any help go in person. It's easier to put people off on the telephone.

I raised two boys and I know it's tough. Plan a little one on one time. Sometimes they act out because they feel neglected. He's going through that puberty phase and is trying to prove he's a man. He needs a better role model than his older brother, maybe a church leader or mentor.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but I hope some of this helps. I'll be praying for you.

Laurel

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#105952 - 02/01/07 05:28 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: Laurel]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thanks for that. My son is seeing a counselor and has been since beginning school this year. The school noticed the change and so did I so got on it right away. We had a long talk and msn is cut off, no computer, no sleep overs. I know this won't be easy and I can't cut these things out forever. I did tell him that I can't trust him and when I can trust him he can have his privileges back but he has to earn it. Your right, he needs a better role model than his big brother. He had a big brother from the Big Brothers and Sisters program but they are not in as much contact anymore as the contract was for one year only. The wonderful person that was his big was the same age as my older son and actually saw him on a regular basis for over three years. These days though with full time university and a part time job he isn't available like he used to be. He also told me that he calls my son and tries to connect with him, but my son is not so open to visiting with him as much anymore.
Yes, it's tough raising kids in this day and age. So many parents have much more lenient attitudes than I do and it's an up hill battle trying to keep my kids in line. It truly amazes me how much freedom these kids have. I drive my kids everywhere and pick them up. And guess what, I pick up all their friends too and their parents don't even know where they are. I gave a 13 year old girl a ride home the other night from skating. It was 10pm and she was starting to walk home in the dark by herself, a 1/2 hour walk so I drove her home. What are her parents thinking? Drives me crazy. My kids see this, all the freedom their friends have and think I'm way too strict. I'm hanging in there though and will do what it takes to keep him on the straight and narrow. As for the girlfriend, she dumped him and was dating someone else 3 hours later. I hope this was a learning experience for my son in some ways. Whew... it's a new day!
Kate

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#105953 - 02/01/07 05:41 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: katebcca]
Edelweiss Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 4136
Loc: American living in Europe
Oh no, Kate, You poor thing. Hardly one son is grown and out of the house…and then the next one comes along with those teenage problems. I think what Laurel said is excellent advice about reading his emails and website. That way you are on top of things.

Does your son do any sports? My sons played ice hockey, and it was exactly that, that kept them off the streets. Just like with little children, you need to distract him and find interesting alternatives. See to it that he doesn't have much free time, and get him involved with other boys that want more in their lives than just 'hanging out'. So I agree, it's wise to forbid him further over-nights…but don't just ground him, find a substitute hobby/sport in a supervised club.

I surfed around a little and found this link. Looks like they may have some good advice for you.

teenagers and drugs

Sounds like you are taking control. Good for you Kate!

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#105954 - 02/01/07 06:50 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: Edelweiss]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Thank you Hannelore,
I will check out that site. My son quit everything at the beginning of the year. He has been involved in soccer since age 5. He also quit the band this year and does no sports or outside activities. I have tried to get him involved again but he flatly refuses. I so understand that keeping him busy would be a good thing. Maybe I can use this opportunity to sign him up for something like martial arts in order for him to earn his trust back. I will try it.
Kate

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#105955 - 02/01/07 11:20 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: katebcca]
Dianne Offline
Queen of Shoes

Registered: 05/24/04
Posts: 6123
Loc: Arizona
He sounds very angry and seems to be acting out on that anger. Maybe you could talk to his counselor about this. I know how tough it is. My oldest son was a tyrant but today, he's married and a good man.
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#105956 - 02/02/07 01:52 AM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: Dianne]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
Kate, I totally agree that attentive parents are not the norm. Therefore, it makes our job harder. Oh how I wish parents would ban together.

You are wise to try to stop this behavior early. I'm praying you caught on just in time. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this weekend because I'm sure it's gonna be hard.

Will he have his friends to your home? Do you ever have time to be with him and his friends? I always found that feeding them worked well.

I also believe in honest communication. Try sharing all his good qualities with him. Tell him why you love him. I really think teens need to hear this. They can no longer be held and cuddled but they still need to positive strokes.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
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#105957 - 02/02/07 02:48 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
A mom-son mini-vacation (3-4 days, if not more) is in order - a cabin by a lake, a hotel room by the beach. The first day might be rough as you learn to talk to each other again, but after a few card games - or something else he might enjoy doing with you, while you strike up casual conversation - you can reconnect. Mom needs to get inside boy's head, going from casual conversation to pointed discussions. While it's nice to have male mentors, you are the main caregiver and need to be immediately involved. To do this, you need to know where he is mentally and emotionally. What does he think of his friends? What is he looking for in a friend? How does he make friends? What does he think his future is going to be like? Does he even believe he has a future? Sometimes we parent from a distance, and because we are so busy trying to make ends meet and get responsibilitis covered, we forget why we are parents. We are our children's primary influence - or WE SHOULD BE. Often, peers and electronics stand in for us.
Parenting is hard!!!! But when we, as parents do the right things, we win, our children win and the world wins.
Best of luck!!!!

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#105958 - 02/02/07 06:03 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: gims]
katebcca Offline
Member

Registered: 07/09/05
Posts: 631
Loc: Victoria BC Canada
Wow...that was such a good idea. In past summers I have brought my younger two to a small island. We stay in a cabin by the lake.
No TV, no phone, and especially no computer. It takes about a day for my kids to start talking. My son usually gets up at 7am and is out in the row boat fishing or at least trying. He stays out there for hours. At home I can't get him out of bed.
I plan to take them skiing in March which is all I can afford but may try to get away for at least a weekend in the woods. I forgot about how powerful these trips are. My kids are growing up so fast.
Thanks for that insight, I really appreciate it. Sometimes I find that I am so busy parenting/working/taking care of my parents, that as they get older we spend less and less time talking. We are all in the same house doing our own thing.
Again, thanks.
Kate

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#105959 - 02/02/07 08:11 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: gims]
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
NP and YW...
Fishing - can't beat that - one of the best things to do while talking!

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#105960 - 02/03/07 01:46 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent [Re: gims]
Dotsie Offline
Founder

Registered: 07/09/08
Posts: 23647
Loc: Maryland
gimster, what a lovely post. Perfect advice.
_________________________
Founder Emeritus of Boomer Women Speak and the National Association of Baby Boomer Women.
www.nabbw.com
www.boomerwomenspeak.com


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#105961 - 02/03/07 05:09 PM Re: 13 year old son, not so innocent
gims Offline
Member

Registered: 01/16/07
Posts: 3404
Loc: USA
TY, dotsie... I remember when our girls were in their teens. My husband and I wanted to go out of town with them, but, of course, they begged to stay home due to their social ties. We insisted. They fought, at first, but once we were in the mountains, in a cabin perched on the bank of Aspen Brook (which was more like a river), and we'd had only the purr of the gas heater and the water rushing below us to sleep by, they were in a different state of mind. None of us wanted to go home. After only a day or two, we were regrounded as a family.

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