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#10157 - 06/20/06 10:22 AM Feeling dried up and empty...
foundhervoice-atlast Offline
Member

Registered: 07/08/05
Posts: 80
Loc: Colorado
Well, the papers are signed and we are waiting for the judge to put her final stamp on the divorce decree and make it official. 21 years together wiped out, in the words of the decree: "...as if the petitioner and respondent had never been married."

My attorney called to give me the news, and as this has been dragging on for over a year she was pretty ecstatic to be done with it and expected me to be as well. But I could not garner enough oomph to even say yay. All I felt was tired and empty. My soon-2-b-x called me on the phone moments later with a question about the kids and never even mentioned that he had signed off on the papers at last. I have to keep reminding myself that he is a clinical sociopath and as such has no feelings. But even with this knowledge, I find myself feeling hurt that it was business as usual for him, and that he was talking to me in what I have called over the years his "corporate voice" - you know, the one he talks to clients with. After 20+ years together, there was no clue in his voice that we had ever been more than business acquaintances. Wow.

I have not allowed myself the luxury of sitting down for a real long cry even once throughout this ordeal. A relative and close friend of mine who recently went through the worst divorce of the century had advised me early on that there would be plenty of time to cry afterwards, and to concentrate and stay focused on standing up for myself and my children until the negotiations were over and it was safe to let open the floodgates. Now that it is "safe", I'm not sure that I have any tears left to shed.

I am looking forward to getting on with my new life, and really do view this divorce as a gift from God, since I could have gone on with only a shell of a life if I had stayed married to this man, and maybe never even found out about his infidelities and deceipts. I now have tremendous issues with trust, and do not think that I will ever be able to remarry. I don't hate men, but right now it's kind of like being fascinated with dolphins but having no need to have one of my own. Same with men. They are pretty to look at, but I don't think that I have another gamble left in me. I have never been a cynic and I keep telling myself that this is still very early in the game, the divorce is not even official yet - and there is plenty of time for healing. But at age 53, I've gotta wonder.

So if I'm so bloody smart and understand all of this, how come I feel so hurt - now that it is over, after being dumped by a man who is not even capable of remorse?

Foundhervoice - but apparently not her brains - atlast

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#10158 - 06/20/06 02:33 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
LoriAnn Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/06
Posts: 5
Loc: Indiana
You have a lot of years to heal, it's not a flesh wound, so to speak. I've heard you need a month for every year of marriage to heal, but I don't think there are concrete time frames. Everyone is different.

I'd be willing to bet he's hurting too, but like most men, he'd never show it. My husband told me he was waiting for me to call it off until he got the final papers, I'd have never guessed that.

Take your time and don't even think about if you'd take the plunge again. Focus on that new life you are starting instead. The best thing now would be a bubble bath, a nice glass of wine (or a box of Godiva chocolates) a good cry, then a good nights sleep.

Prayers going up for you!

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#10159 - 06/20/06 06:44 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
AvalonBlondi Offline
Member

Registered: 11/07/05
Posts: 1096
Loc: West Chester ,PA
Foundhervoice..
Of course you feel hurt...21 years is a long time to be with someone...I would be upset for you if you didn't feel this way...you have to mourn the death of your marriage...it's a real death...so mourn...and cry...take your time...but soon you will feel stronger and the days will feel sunnier and you will be excited for a new beginning...and there will be a new beinning and a better life for you ahead...I promise...in the mean time..here's a ((((BIG HUG)))) from someone who cares....

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#10160 - 06/20/06 08:14 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Foundhervoice, each day that passes you will feel better and more like yourself. Take them one day at a time.

From 1 who has been there,

Daisygirl

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#10161 - 06/20/06 08:49 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
Foundhervoice, right now you have feelings you should acknowledge. There are no 'right' or 'wrong' feelings - they just are. When I divorced after almost 25 years of marriage, it took me months to stop feeling self-pity and anger at my ex. My head and my heart were out of sync for a long time, but eventually I was able to get on with my life. It didn't help that my divorce came through just as I was starting grad school in my late 40s - that first semester is still a blur. But here I am today stronger and more comfortable with myself than I ever was when I was married. So hang in there, and like Daisygirl said, take one day at a time.
Hugs
Yonuh

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#10162 - 06/20/06 09:34 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
starting over Offline
Member

Registered: 06/30/05
Posts: 383
Loc: Illinois
foundhervoice, I too am struggling on the backside of the divorce proceedings. I too find myself lost in feelings that are making me angry with myself. Who cares if he went on and remarried--even though he admitted to me he was gay! It makes me mad that I care!

It just hurts that this person that I am unable to fully let go of--went on and remarried-had obviously been dating her the whole time he was song and dancing me to get me to back off the divorce...all those months of emotional rollercoastering and he was dating someone else... It just proves he didn't love me, has no real feelings and I believe is incapable of a real relationship.

How can someone with so many obvious issues date someone else if they were truly dealing with those issues?

I too, look at men and think, will I ever? could I ever? I pity the man who attempts to ask me for a date--the screening process they will have to endure will surely scare them all away.

I am angry for feeling the need to cry for this man, to pray for this man, who now sits in prison (child porn) who obviously threw away our 24 yrs marriage and family--for what? physical intimacy with fantasy pictures of children and rendevous with men? Who 2 months after confronted was already dating this other woman? How can I still be attached emotionally, when is this attachment going to end.

I feel the ned to confront him--to ask him, was it worth it? was it worth what you have lost? do you even realize what you've lost or did you just rush out and replace us with another wife and built in family? But I can't. This part of me that needs closure will never happen.

When will I truly be free to live again? I too feel the need to cry, but the tears have dried up. I do admit that I am much better today than I was months ago--I am even better than last week, but when will I feel whole again?

You ladies who have survived divorce after a long marriage--can you honestly say there comes a day when you feel whole again? Of do you just learn to move forward and live? Does anyone have any insight for us on this?

Foundhervoice, I haven't been very encouraging, but I wanted you to know that I am also walking the same walk as you are--still. Together we ARE stronger, tomorrow WILL be a better day. I know it and you know it too. The Lord hasn't gotten us this far to let us down now!

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#10163 - 06/20/06 10:28 PM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
yonuh Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 2447
Loc: Arizona
To foundhervoice and starting over: you will one day feel whole again. It takes a while and there is no path for everyone to follow - each must find her own. I have been divorced for about 13 years now, but I can still remember the pain, shock, anger, vindictiveness I felt. Especially when my ex remarried as soon as the divorce was final. Today I am whole and have a wonderful relationship with a fantastic man who values and respects me, as I do him. The road has been long and there were days I had to pull myself out of bed, force myself to eat, etc. But you know that old saying, fake it till you make it, has some merit. It's a hard road, but I wouldn't change a thing because I learned how much strength I have been given and how many things I can do all by myself. So hang in there both of you (and anyone else going through a difficult time) because it does get better. Lots of big hugs to both of you.

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#10164 - 06/21/06 12:46 AM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
chatty lady Offline
Writer

Registered: 02/24/04
Posts: 20267
Loc: Nevada
Ladies, pain is inevitable in life. As we begin to recover, we see that much of the suffering that we experience is directly related to our illusion of control. The more we hold on to issues, beliefs, or experiences that we long since have grown beyond, the harder it is to find closure. Contrary to most religious belief, suffering is not noble. When we are attached to our suffering, we often miss those 'flowers that grow out of dark moments.' Once you let go all things are possible. God bess your journey.

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#10165 - 06/29/06 01:25 AM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
BonnieK Offline
Member

Registered: 06/19/06
Posts: 45
Loc: Chicago suburbs
As a divorce surviver, I agree with all the advice. You will be fine, but not today and maybe not tomorrow. For me, it was the loss of the dream. That is the part that still hurts. Not being a two parent family, the plan of retirement gone, watching my kids deal with their Dad. I divorced him, but my kids didn't... lots of emotions. However..I am free of him and that is the best. It is a journey....

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#10166 - 06/29/06 02:35 AM Re: Feeling dried up and empty...
Daisygirl Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/05
Posts: 1052
Loc: Ohio
Chatty, So TRUE! That is a hard lesson that I am just now learning. I'm learning to just allow things to happen and not be so upset when they don't go the way I dreamed it. I never thought of myself as a control freak, but I have been and it's had a negative affect on my life. You're never too old to change.

Daisygirl

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