making MIL happy

yesterday was a good day with my MIL. her growing dementia creates problems with her and her 6 sisters. they have always been very close with only minor problems between them but MIL is now accusing one of them of being mean to her. last year it was a different one. the list of supposed wrongs has been growing since fall.

i get calls from both of them. MIL calls to repeat the offenses, aunty calls to make sure we still love her in light of MIL's accusations. i do know it is all in MIL's imagination. she will take an innocent word or gesture, fume about it until it becomes a huge incident in her mind, then lash out.

she called me on friday to invite me to lunch on saturday with "people I want to be with". (the sisters always meet for lunch on saturdays so she was avoiding lunch with them.) i told her i'd pick her up and we'd meet my SIL near where she works for lunch. i got 4 subsequent calls from her telling me that we should eat near where SIL works so we could meet her for lunch. each time i have to pretend its the first time we've had this discussion.

so,,,,i picked her up at noon. SIL couldn't get off work so we went to lunch, shopped at a jewelry store where she enjoyed looking at her birthstone jewelry, picked up a few groceries, then went to have manicures together. she had never had a professional manicure so really enjoyed that. every time she started to go into the woes with her sister, i didn't try to defend the sister, just told MIL she would have to put it aside because she was only hurting herself by holding on to hurt feelings. then i would change the subject as quickly as possible.

after i took her home, she called me on my cell before i even got home to tell me how much she enjoyed the day and that she loves me. this is a woman who has never been very affectionate so i guess miracles really do still happen!

[ January 29, 2006, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: flipperjo ]

Didn't it make you feel good to hear that? Try to take her out as much as possible and "make her day" while she is still able to comprehend what's going on in the world. You'll both benefit from each other's company and you'll be glad to reflect on these special days when she is no longer able to herself.

You're really a great daughter-in-law as she's now discovering.

[ January 29, 2006, 08:12 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

Flipper, timing is everything.

Will you be my MIL?

Flipperjo, that is awesome. I believe that when a person is mentally or physically not with it, their soul is - and is nourished when they have communication from us.

When I have a loved one who is not mentally there, for instance someone who is dying and is in a drug induced coma, I still talk to them as if they were consious. I think their soul hears and is comforted.

So regardless of your MIL mental state, the real woman inside understands your love. I'm glad she was able to tell you how she feels about you - she is sure fortunate to have you for a DIL.

Daisygirl

You are to be admired Flipperjo for having and showing the understanding and love it takes to deal with this illiness and the person afflicted with it....I know how hord that can be. Bless you and your MIL.

[ January 30, 2006, 08:02 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

thank you for your support, all of you!

it is hard sometimes to put the past behind me with my MIL and FIL. they always did think that whatever they thought or did was RIGHT. theirs has been a difficult family to be a part of.

dotsie, i'd gladly take you on if i could! i have certainly learned how NOT to be a MIL and my DIL makes it easy to be the right kind.

my MIL day on saturday reminds me of my own mom and her MIL. she told me one time, "I never could stand that woman until she was senile - she was so sweet then."