Taking Away the Car keys

http://askdutchy.mycarelink.net/2005/10/dont-let-this-happen-to-you-dont-let.html

I linked this message to my Ask Dutchy post of course.

We have been taking things too easy on my father in law and his driving. The minute I saw this post on the alzinfo board I had to post it everywhere.

We brought my mother in law in and had her sit down. We told her no more on Dad's driving. Yesterday he hit the garbage cans in our driveway and didn't even know he did it. Good grief, if this post makes you do nothing else.....take those keys away!!!! Ask Dutchy post

The "driving issue" was probably the first time my family really realized FOR SURE that our Mom wasn't just being "eccentric" in her behavior - but that she was not able to make appropriate decisions PERIOD. I was at work one day and got a call from the emergency room physician (I worked in a hospital) telling me my Mom was there - had been in a minor accident. I went to the E.R. and she was fine - shook up a bit but fine. I asked her what happened and she said "my hands were cold so I just took them off the wheel long enough to put on my gloves".....while driving 45mph on a main road. My Mom was in the early stages of Alzheimers....the rest of us had been in "denial" for several years - and she died in a nursing home six years after this driving incident from Alzheimers-related complications.

It was very difficult to take those car keys away from her - it took away her independence and a lot of her spirit. I became her "taxi service" and tried to make it an adventure for her but she was never the same. I talked with MANY other people in the years before her death who had gone through the same experience with their loved ones......taking away the keys......a very tough but NECESSARY thing to do!

Dutchy, this is a tough topic. Not only do we take away their car keys, we take away their independence. This is so hard. My husband had to do it with his mom. She took it well, but it changed her life. SHe never figured out how to depend on others ofr rides so her life became smaller.

Pam, what a story. I often wonder how one is certain if a loved one has Alzheimers. I guess it becomes very apparent.

What a sad story but such an important issue. When my uncle was just in the beginning stages of Alzheimers, he got angry with my aunt and jumped into his new Corvette and was gone for six hours. He crashed the car and walked to some strangers house and said he didn't know who he was or where he was. He had put 600 miles on the car! That ended his driving and it was so sad because he was a car enthusiast.

What a horrible disease. My MIL also suffered from it.

When my father came to this point, I did a very tricky thing. Instead of telling him straight out that he needed to give up his keys, I told him that my car was in the shop and I needed to borrow his and he said as always, "Sure, Jo" Thing was, I just never gave it back. I just kept saying one thing or another was having to be repaired with my car. Now when he was sharp, this wouldn't have gotten by him for one minute, but he would look a little puzzled, but just let it go by. Pretty soon he either forgot he had a car or enjoyed our trips together.

Searcher

Searcher, that is so sweet. I guess there are times when it's kinder to tell a little lie.

Daisygirl

My MIL, who is 91, drove her car up the back steps of her house last summer. But nobody has ever been able to tell this woman what to do. Now, after months of her children worrying every time the phone rings, she has announced she has taken the car off the road.

I can't honestly say I'll believe she's no longer getting behind the wheel until the old junker she's been driving is towed from her yard. But it's a start.

Anybody else here feel like the peanut butter layer in the sandwich of life?

Taking away my father-in-laws car, had to be on of the most difficult things. He loved taking little drives to do errands, like just going to the grocery store for one item.

When he got moved to an assisted living facility (another most difficult thing to do), he was a really cool guy there. Not only was he a man, there are mostly women there, but he drove. The women were so excited to have him there.

When he started having accidents, no one would tell us. I kinda felt like they were in high school and the other seniors didn't want to rat on their friend, for fear he would lose his "wheels."

But as with kids in high school, you eventually find out. Maybe not on the day it happened, but usually withing two weeks.

When we talked to Grandpa and his girlfriend about it, they just giggled. It was such and unappriate response! His girlfriend was saying things like, I really like when he takes me to the movies, broke our hearts!

We were a bit chicken, no we were really chicken to just say no more driving. We did take the keys, and disarm the car's battery.

Then we got with the other family members and contacted DMV to retest him. You wouldn't believe this, he passes. Apparently the tester liked him. He did dress well....

Another accident, and we took the car, and said we were going to take it in for repairs. We were, but we weren't planning to give it back.

His dementia progressed so rapidly, we were so afraid he was going to hurt someone with his car.

I truly feel for all of us going through this.

When they take away my car keys they may as well light the fire for my cremation cause I'll be dead....I love my car and running around as free as a bird....

Wow, those responses were wonderful and sad too. I know it is something that takes away their independance. We are moving away from my MIL and FIL, I seriously doubt she will take those keys away. But I have done my duty! I made her read that note! I told her to take them away, and she says she will. But yes, I do feel like the peanut butter too. I have been providing care for those with Alzheimer's for 10 years. Have a specialty education for Dementia. With my FIL it has done me more harm than good. I know all the tricks, they have done me no good! I am no match for denial!! All I can do is hope and pray that I will be able to help some other family.

Gosh Dutchy

That is so sad. I feel so badly for both you and your in-laws. This dementia thing is such a problem. I haven't done the research, but was this so prevalent in say, the early 1900's? Is this a problem of population increases or an increase in the disease itself?

I recall in one of my classes that the professor was talking about mutations - in the brain and in the gestation process being caused by nothing other than radiation - just from various radioactive exposure in the world we inhabit today. It makes me wonder whether alzheimers is a manifestation of that? Probably any number of factors, but still....It just appears to me that it's on the increase for whatever reason - and then to be SO devastating!! To so many!

Searcher

The average life span has increased also. I think the fact that people live well into their 80's and 90's and some to 100 play a part in it. People used to die before they got that advanced.
Louisa

I am a nurse, and have some extra training in senior care, and was planning to start a business in it, but that is another story....

It is soooo different having the training and helping others with the issues, than dealing with it on a personal level.

To me, it is how things are taken away, in little increments. Could be the ability to read, or eat without spilling on oneself. Dressing, even forgetting to put ones clothes on!!! Driving, not able to figure out how to use the phone, or pay their bills. The list goes on.

We took my father-in-law out and after the meal, he asked for coffee, the man never, ever drank coffee. So change can be slight.

Anyway, back to what I really wanted to say is that what I have learned is that because we are living longer with the great heart meds, and surgery and cancer care, etc. Everyone has some degenerative brain changes as we age, and the dementia occurs more frequently than we know.

Ask around to your friends, it is possible that 50% are dealing with some sort of dementia type of problem with their parents.

It is so frightening to me!

In the early 1900's Dementa was hardly heard of but that was before big business began poisoning the food, the air and the water with chemicals and depleting the soil with overgrowth of crops for larger profits. Dementa is a man caused illiness along with Alzeheimers and Cancer and so on and so on...Get the point?

Chatty ,
Remeber when they sprayed the crops with DDT . That horrible chemical.

are we blaming the farmers for our ills?

there was plenty of dementia in the past, they just had other names for it and put the people away or kept them closetted in their homes. there was such a stigma attached to any mental illness that it was often hidden.

Nope but I am blaming big business and profit mongers. God bless the farmers, what would we do without their hard work? The farmers aren't the ones getting rich, they barely make it most years. I admire the farmers, what the heck would we do without them...Big business is raping the farmers too along with the rest of us.

[ October 25, 2005, 10:11 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

I went through this nearly 2 years ago. I pleaded with my Dad's doctor to help me (at the time I was living 600 miles away.) Of course, he was non-committal and I admit that it was not his decision to. Anyway, after Dad suffered a heart attack, I again pleaded with the doctor to at least 'order' him to stop driving for 6 weeks. It was then that we found out that he did not have a valid license. He'd been called in for testing (at the onset of his 88th birthday.) He failed the test - but was issued an ID card (which looks like a license - but plainly states that it is an ID card.) He had been driving for nearly 2 years without a valid lisence. To this day, I don't know whether he knew it or not, I have a hunch that he did. Since he was a Chrysler retiree and was still on the leasing program - we arranged to turn the car in early and that was that. We had to arrange for some supplemental help to run errands, etc. But, he never got over it. He would complain about that "empty garage" every time I would see him. Talk about a guilt trip.....

Today, as I was leafing through the Oct. issue of BHG there is an article "Taking the Car Keys" I will breifly list them here:

Suggest they give the car to a grandchild. They can tell their friends that their granddaughter needed the car.

Talk to your parent from direct experience. Don't take your teenagers word that,"Grandma nearly got us killed today." Ride with your parent yourself.

Have the conversation somewhere other than in the car. Bring up the supbject later. Never crack a joke about their driving. Ask about friends who drive but who shouldn't be on the road. They'll often make the connection between these folks and themselves.

If your parent becomes defensive and agitiated, drop the conversation and bring it up again a day or two later, after they've had a chance to cool off, or perhaps reconsider.

Present alternatives to driving. Do your homework on volunteer drivers, van services, senior shuttles, taxis and buses. Even in rural areas, there are always altenatives. But be prepared to take up some of the slack yourself and drive your parent.

Make sure you are addressing the right parent. Sometimes the non-driving parent -- often the wife-- covers up for the spouse's deficits, or belives he is safe as long as she rides along. She may have a lot invested in his driving. She may be the one you have to convince.

Enroll your parent in a driving course and agree to abide by the decision of the driving instructor.

If none of this works, for safety's sake, you should refuse to let your children ride with them.

Not good enough people this is a time when tough love is the answer. Not letting your child ride with them is fine but what about other peoples children on the road or walking when the elder impared driver is out and about. There comes a time sadly when intelligence must outweigh sentiment. As hard as it is to take away those keys, it would be much harder if they had an accident and killed someone or were killed. I for one could never forgive myself if I could have and should have done sometnhing and didn't.

Oh, I feel for you on this one. It took me two years to get up the nerve to take away my mom's car keys. She didn't thank me, that's for sure, but after she ran into the side of the grocery store (they thought it was an earthquake),I finally got out of denial. For the sake of others, I literally took away her car keys. She used to go out and sit in her car in the garage. She said she was visiting it. *sigh* But later, after she had worked through her own feelings about it, she gave her car to a needy family.

I agree that taking away the car keys can be a dramatic experience for everyone involved. The neuo doc who diagnosed Daddy with dementia said that it was her responsibility to tell the family that he was no longer capable of driving, and then it was OUR responsibility to take the keys away. She was also obligated to report this fact to the License Department of Motor Vehicle in our state. It was a law.

It was a very hard thing to do, and we found that doing so gradually, with suggestions (i.e., Daddy, why don't you ride with me today to Church?) and filling in the gaps with being available to give Daddy lifts here and there, was a lifesaver for us all, and especially, Mom. He didn't like it and was almost hostile about it at first, but the dementia progressed so rapaidly, that it was a mute point before long.

Pat---I love your cartoons on your web page. I can't wait to see your products. Way to go girl! I've bookmarked it for later.

JJ

Thanks, jawjaw. I've been to your site, too. Humor is a must, isn't it?

Oh and especially when we are caregivers. Without it, we would just be....givers.

JJ

Umm, do we have a thread about the woman/giving thing? That's a big one for me, and it's something I'm still working out for myself. What I'm working out is finding a balance between giving, in every way, to loved ones, and getting it back. Am I the only one? How do you retrain people to know that you now expect a better balance? This has been difficult, since I was raised to give, give, give, without expecting much in return. It's a subtle problem, but I think it's worth talking about.

Pat, as far as giving and receiving goes, I give without thinking about recieving in return. That way there are no disappointments. No expectations, no disappointments.

However, I think that if you are in a relationship, friendhsip, whichever, and you are always the giver, it's not much of a relationship. There needs to be some give and take.

Good topic because women are so often the givers.

Not that I think of this often, but the thought of not being able to jump in my car and come and go as I please frightens me. My heart aches for the elderly who can no longer so the same. they are the same pwople on the inside. they just continue to have more of their lives taken away. Very sad.

I hope to live in a small town should that happen. Then hopefully I will be able to walk wherever I need to go.

It's interesting that you mention moving to a small town, Dotsie. My small hometown is becoming populated more and more with elderly people, who move back after they retire.

I don't drive, anymore, and I live in a large city. Several of the grocery stores deliver, and I do most of my shopping on the internet now.

But I suppose that some of these people move back to enjoy the comfort of living where they grew up.

Your comments about giving helped me a lot. I had come to exactly the same conclusion - to give of myself nowadays because I get something out of it, without expecting anything in return. The change, for me, is that I've stopped giving when there is no give and take, and no pleasure in the giving. I guess it's just part of the beauty of middle age - more honesty. I would not trade middle age for anything. It's truly been the best time of my life, so far.

When I married David, my so called friends decided that all the effort and time he put into his well paid career should benefit them! Let's see...I'm trying to remember the amount of money I "loaned" to good friends. Right around 10,000! David says to not loan money but give it and not expect it back. I'm somewhat resentful. I'm a giving person and want to help others but one person paid me back with a bad check and never contacted me again. And, he was a minister. That really hurt.

I now give of my time and energy. Money is only fleeting anyway.

Dianne, I've been given the same advice about "lending" money. Don't lend unless you can afford to give.

And I don't blame you for being resentful. Some people will take advantage of their best friend. With friends like that you don't need enemies.

I still feel sorry for people like that. They are the ones who are going through life feeling miserable. Don't you think?

I write an elder care column and just had a driving question that ran last Sunday. A year ago, I found that AAA has a great interactive CD to help people test their driving skills. So I wrote on driving. Great response. So many people are affected.

This time, I found that our local hospital has a program where they do a physical and mental eval and then actually take them out to drive. They try to find an area that is close, in challeges, to the kind of driving the elder does. It's a great program, because it gives the elder and the caregiver something concrete to base their "drive or not drive" decision on.

Carol that is so cool...and I bet lots of us can check with our own local hospitals and see if they offer this program.

In Daddy's case, it was dementia-related, and after watching him drive home from Wal-mart one day (about 10 miles) with HIS driver door open the entire way, and he didn't even know it, well...it was time to pull the keys. My sister was sent to find him and she ended up following him home.

Prior to this, he had one wreck and also ran into my ex-boyfriends WIFE's car in the Wal-mart parking lot.

You gotta know when to fold um....

But, for those who can still drive, this program you've mention does give hope to some!

JJ

I saw a program on HGTV the other evening about a couple that sold their home in the country and bought an old store in the downtown section of a small town. They had it all remodeled and an area like a garden built that separated the front from the street making the entrance private, it was really nice. They did this because neither wanted to drive any longer and this way they were within walking distance to everything and that was so neat. They got the store which was closed for sometime for a song too. Wouldn't mind doing that myself.

I am struggling long distance with the driving issue. Mom (87) hasn't been driving lately due to the icy roads in SD, but I haven't been able to get her to give up the car completely. She is in a little town and her excuse is that she only drives to the grocery store, church, and the nursing home where my dad lives. People in town have told me that she drives right down the middle of the street, and that people know to stay out of the way when she is in her car. She is a very stubborn woman who knows her own mind, and is certain that she is just fine behind the wheel. I have been gently bringing up the fact that she should quit driving every week when I speak to her over the phone, and I am hoping that it is sinking in.