How Did Your Grandmothe Impact Your Mother's Life?

Hi Everyone,
I'm Carol D. O'Dell, and boy, can I relate to many of the posts I've read here. I cared for my mom for fifteen years after my dad died and during that time she developed Parkinson's, had to stop driving, began to fall, was hospitalized several times, and had two mild heart attacks BEFORE she would conset to moving in with me. I "forced" her hand by moving out of state and insisting she come.
She spent the last three years of her life with me, her only duaghter as her full-time caregiver (we hired some help, but as anyone knows who's dealt with this, it's piece-meal and oftentimes relies on the winds from the insurance gods (lower g for sure) to favorably blow your way).
Her three years with me were everything from tender to hilarious, to poignant, to gut-wrenching to infuriating and beyond. This was not only due to her and her Baskin and Robbins assortment of moods, but also the hassles of medical care, health issues, and then...Alzheimer's reared its cruel horns.
My saving grace was that I was a writer (and a lifetime journaler) before I started caregiving, so I turned to the page. I wrote every day. I wrote our fights, our tears, our darkest moments, and even her passing.

So yes, I read your posts and feel for what you're going through.

I learned a lot about my mohter as she began to open up and tell me about her mother--not just the typical fare of how sweet she was, how good she was, but finally, small snippets of how my mother had been impacted by her began to surface. I learned a lot.

It's an interesting thought. It's reveals a lot of their defenses, idiosyncracies, and vulnerabilities. We're all so very connected when it comes right down to it.

I can truly say that caregiving taught me so much about myself--in good and not so good ways, but in the end, I leanred to accept us both.

Looking forward to hearing from some of you.
~Carol O'Dell
author of Mothering Mother: A Daughter's Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
www.mothering-mother.com

I live in a family of the disappearing mothers. They were both wealthy, spoiled and left their children.
My grandmother was a model and left my mother when my mother was 4. My mother was flown places and sent by train to visit her mother in major cities and recieved huge and full of designer clothing "gift packages," from her mother all of her life. I met her twice and that was that.

My mother was gone with I was 13. She was a successful painter and of some note when she left, took her trust fund, and decided enough was enough from my father and I believe, her four children.
My mother popped back up when I was an adult, a young adult and began particapating in my life but at my instigation. She still only sees me when I reach out to her. She still lives off a trust fund and does what she likes.

She put me on television when I was 5. She backed me as an artist, being one herself and never told me it was impractical. She believed in dreams and following your own. She had good taste and taught me very much about art.

And her intuition regarding me is unnerving. LOL.

I am from a very strange family. Two young parents going through "the happening."

dancer

By the time this forum, finishes this topic thread, there will be contrasting portraits of grandmothers & mothers.

Many of the immigrants who came to North America during 20's to 50's, from Asia....particularily didn't expect to see their loved ones in ancestral land....ever again...particularily from low-income families.

Air and ship travel was either expensive or time-consuming at that time. So both my parents never saw their parents after they immigrated to Canada (each did their own journey) in their early 20's during the 1950's.

So imagine never seeing your parents forever at that age, and striking it out in a country totally different culture and language.

All my grandparents died in China in their 60's or earlier. My maternal grandmother died after dental surgery...I guess things were abit primitive in care. She lived in a rural area and died in the early 1970's. The 1970's was the height of Communism in China. I remember my mother receiving a letter and crying.

We will probably never know about grandmother's personality because I have lost alot of my fluency in my mother tongue, Chinese. And since my mother hardly knows much English, you can imagine the gulf of understanding and conflict. (This is why I wsupport (VERY STRONGLY) retention of lst language mother father tongue fluency in North America, in addition to English language, ....for family harmony and personal self-growth in global /multicultural understanding.)

My grandmother had 8 children over a 20 year period with Grandpa. My mother is the 2nd youngest of all. She does relay stories cooking for her older brothers, you know the men. I don't think she enjoyed this chore. Grandma was a housewife, wife to a low-middle income jeweller.

I believe my mother's personality has been profoundly shaped by living with difficulties as an immigrant wife here in Canada where she had no support to raise 6 children while my father was at work in a restaurant. None of her siblings or any relatives were around for first 15 years. And when they came, it was just for visiting one another and by then, sheer stress of childraising was abating abit, when older kids (like myself) could take on some chores. (I remember teenagehood not as carefree, but more full of responsibilities.)

My mother is often, controlling woman who does indulge in spitefulness, much to her adult children's amazement. This has become abit worse over the years. Despite this temperment, she has truly been a mother supportive in the traditional sense, to her family. It amazes me that my father has remained an incredibly calm, patient person for so long.

My mother is a picture bride, she met my father via letters when he was in Canada as a young man, looking for a wife. Yes, when she immigrated and stepped off the plane in Toronto, she was going to marry a...stranger. So my mother is and knows it, that she is very fortunate to have married a genuinely kind, patient man..who helps with housework, cooking now.... I have mentioned my 78 yr. father here on this forum before, in terms of his excellent health.

When I see my mother, I see a woman who does have incredible strength and potential, but gone awry. She has gr. 10 level education and if life was a different, what she would have become? Look to her daughters now, they are the manifestation of what she could have been.

In a way, despite all the conflict, I know that she is proud of us.

Sorry, this post just couldn't about my grandmothers..because if I knew...it will most likely be alot later..if ever. I could only guess my paternal grandmother was probably different woman ...just based on my father's personality and his sister's personality.

What an interesting question? My maternal grandmother died when I was three and my paternal grandmother died before I was born. I am excited to discuss this topic with my oldest sister. I don't think I've ever seriously considered how Mom was like her mother because I never knew her.

Another question to ponder would be how we think we've impacted our daughter's lives.

It's very interesting,isn't it, Orchid, when there are strong cultural factors in your childhood. My father was first gen. Italian from Venice so I was raised very, very European.
I'll be you would be very interesting to speak to on the subject of your family. They seem very strong...
dancer9

My story could not be written without the influences of my maternal grandmother and her influence on my mother, and therefore on me. My mother was 1st generation Italian born in NJ. I was delivered by the same doctor who delivered my mother! The oppressions of a patriarchal society led to women being silenced in my family. However silenced my grandmother might have been as a woman, she was outspoken as a business woman. She faced discrimination as an Italian, and as a woman, when she had to take over my grandfather's business. He died of a heart attack when she was 43. I have explored this topic of cultural influence in my family. When I returned to college in my forties, an assignment was to write an essay about our cultural roots. I was ready because I had visited this topic on my own. However, many (almost all) of the students in their late teens and early twenties had no idea of their cultural roots. I was surprised by this. I think knowing your ancestry helps you to know who you are. I am glad I got to the "root" of some of the "problems" in my family.

I was fortunate to have my mother, my mothers mother, and my mothers mothers mother, all at my graduation. We have a photo of the four gernerations of Italian women...It is a treasure that I hold dear.

My Great Grandmother was the "handy wife" she assisted at birth and laid people to their rest.This was prior to midwives and the usual thing in Scotland.
My Granmother took on the informal role..where she gave help when asked.For no cost.She befriended those in need.
My Mother was left with me as baby in 1947 and returned to work.Grandmother reared loved and with Grandad made me a much loved child.Mother remarried ..I stayed at "home".Mother died and it was a if a sister had died.
So in explaining what impact my Grandmother had I have no way of asking my Mother.I do understand the bond was there between Gran and I and remained until her death..and beyond.Grandfather too was my hero.
No family is the same but strong women can rise to the occassion.
Mountain ash

I love this topic! I learned early on that to truly understand my Mom or Dad I had to look into their background. I was able to get past any anger with Mom by knowing all this. Mom was physically and sexually abused by her father for any reason he cared to give. She was always so angry and would admit at times that it was because of him and how unprotected she felt her mother was. Her father was an angry alcoholic, much like his own father and couldn't....or didn't stop the generational influence. So Mom was a "rager"....often angry and quick tempered, although my own father would not let her carry on this horrible influence. I enjoyed my maternal grandmother who was fun, zany and gave me my crazy sense of humor. In 1988, my Mom and I went to my grandmother's home in Long Beach, CA. and spent two weeks. By day we had a great time and by evening it would get testy and Mom cried herself to sleep everynight (my grandfather had died in 1971). I'm thankful for that time because it was to be the last time I saw my grandmother. I think all this was partly because our parents generation were, by far, less likely to seek help and therefore held so much inside throughout their lives. My grandfather also sexually abused me for years. By the time I was in my twenties I sought out counseling and came to terms with this, although it took years. My Mom was a good woman and loved her kids. Unfortunately, her background and her anger at her father and ultimately with her mother ruled her life much of the time which was so sad. After a 14 year battle with Alzheimer's I lost my Mom two years ago.

Chatty Lady,
As an Italian woman myself, I know how wonderful that must have been! I lost my grandmother when I was very young so I never had that feeling. You must be very proud!
dancer

I so enjoyed your post about your grandmother and mother. Believe me, I have such a tangled history in this area. I have two famiies--my adoptive and my birth famiy. (I was adopted wwen i was four, but remember my life beforehand and then found my birth family when I was 23--all this is the subject of my 2nd memoir, SAID CHILD).
Ironically, I know more about my adoptive family than I do my birth family, and yet I had no idea how much nature (for the most part) reigns over nurture. I am truly a product of both.
Two mothers. Two grandmothers. All impacted my life.
My book, MOTHERING MOTHER is about my adoptive mother, but mother all the same.

I am utterly fascinated by peeking into the windows and seeing glimpses into another's life. Your history is complex and vivid.

Your mother's tale reminds me of Jung's qoote, (paraphrased a bit) "Nothing effects the lives of children more than the unllived lives of their parents."
Good discussion~
Carol

I can't even beieve how amazing women's stories are--your mother, the artist, your honest portrayl and gentle acceptance is a testament to who you are--and the gifts bestowed upon you.
nice to meet ya
~Carol
www.mothering-mother.com

How wondrful to have the women of your life cheering you on at graduation. I graduated two years after my mom passed, but my daughter's were there. The circle continues...
~carol
www.mothering-mother.com

Your story reminds me of the book Charms for the Easy Life by Kaye Gibbons. I love that book! Multi-generational--granddaughter, mother, and doctor/grandmother. The g'daughter decides to postpone college (placed in the 40s) and stay at the side of her grandmother and her every-man's medical practice.
Isn't it amazing how art imiates Life?
What fascinating stories women have.
~Carol
www.mothering-mother.com

I finally began to understand my mother by really listening to her stories of her mother. My mother had painted such a rosy picture for so long, i almost beieved it. Then, as age and dementia allowed her t dip into the distant past, I found out her mother was critical, cold and demanding.
Voila~
This insight allowed me to understand her behavour, to love her in spite of her outbursts, and then DECIDE not to repeat history.
This has been a great topic!
~Carol
www.mothering-mother.com

My maternal grandmother was of the "old school". In her strict Catholic Andalusian character, children were seen and not heard. I spoke to her only when spoken to. I am only just getting to know her through cousins much older than me because my grandmother passed away when I was young. And through them, I discovered that she was much more than the impression I was left with, when as a child, Abuelita and I, seemed to observe each other in perpetuity! My grandmother was my Mom's spiritual anchor. In much the same way my Mom was for me. And, the spiritual journey continues.

Quote:

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Your mother's tale reminds me of Jung's qoote, (paraphrased a bit) "Nothing effects the lives of children more than the unllived lives of their parents."

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Well, this can be so true, Carol. It makes me both happy and sad. Sad because of things gone awry due to some unfulfilled potential in my mother. But happy, because she did after all, created life..which is us ..and so far, all her adult children have lived good positive (and clean) lives. And there are now some accomplished adult grandchildren.

Now if I knew where on earth did my Mother learn to curse in Chinese, like a fisherman or have bawdy, peasanty humour. It must have been from her brothers, not her mother....

I am not kiddin' you. Don't EVER let those old looking Chinese immigrant women fool you. Some of them have language that would shock you if you understood it. Like my mother. She can be pretty rough. My mother, the foil, to my father, mild, calm and diplomatic.

Yes, well that was part of her hot temper. Good thing, us kids, didn't understand half of her Chinese cursing and swearing at times. All we knew...was ...times...she was ...pissed off at us.

I'm not certain that given my mother's naturally feisty temper, that having her mother around when she raised us, would have helped a whole lot. Sometimes a woman like my mother, function better with a bit of distance and independence, from their mother. However the occasional helping hand/word from her own mother, probably would have given my mother some perspective, in addition to my father's. She wouldn't have felt so isolated amongst those who didn't understand Chinese.

(NewLeaf I never lived the life of Martha Stewart, because my Momma was never a Martha Stewart..though she tried in terms of household tasks. This is in response to her comment on another topic.)

To fulfill the gap of supportive, mild mannered mother role, probably would be my partner's mother. She is your stereotypical elderly woman..cultured, mild-tempered, patient, and supportive. And any time I get abit bewildered by her fears, timidity ...I look to my mother...bold, feisty and hot-tempered.

ANd if I sound occasionally, a little quick-tempered on this forum, it must be my mother (and grandmother??????or grandfather???) speaking through me....