My Dad....

I was a regular poster for a long time here, but my father was diagnosed with esophogeal cancer about 4 weeks ago and I have been in a tailspin ever since. My mother died in 1998 of CHF and multiple organ failure, and then my husband died in 2000 of colorectal cancer. My Dad is doing everything he should do (chemo, radiation, etc.) but is still pretty sick. They said even if the treatments work, he would have less than 5 years. Of course, without them he would have less than 5 months.

I am SO thrown by this. My Dad is a very young 79--always doing for and helping everyone else out. I just can't believe that he has this terrible illness and that he is going to leave this world like this. I always thought it would be his heart. His siblings are all gone now and they all 6 had heart problems, as well as both parents. Two (older brother and younger sister) had sudden, fatal heart arrythmias and went very peacefully, and another sister, who had uterine cancer that was detected very late in the game, crossed over during the surgery to implant her chemo port of arrythmia.

We dealt with my husband's cancer, and it took almost 5 years and ended in a very terrible and cruel manner. Dad and I were both there at the end and we both said we would never go through what Tim did. Well, now I am facing watching my father suffer with the same disease. I am praying that this treatment works and he can have some quality of life for the last few years he has left, barring a miracle cure (which I am REALLY praying for).

Thanks for letting me vent. I am really not a whiner, but am limited as to whom I can let go to.

Micki

Micki, A friend of mine in his fifties was diagnosed with esophageal cancer in 2000. He died last year, but not from cancer. The cancer diagnosis was either wrong or he experienced a miraculous healing. (I prefer to believe he was miraculously healed)

There was no doubt as to the diagnosis at the time, but later exams proved there was no cancer. His death was from cirrhosis of the liver resulting from untreated hepatitis and poisons he encountered during his service in Viet Nam. At the time of his death there was no evidence of cancer.

I also lost my father recently so I know this must be a hard time for you. I will remember you in my prayers.

smile

Micki,
Please feel free to vent anytime. That's what were all here for. You will be in my prayers.
Maggie

Micki,
Bless your heart hon. I won't pretend to know what you are going through, but I do relate somewhat. My Daddy has a fatal dementia (aren't they all?) that, according to statistics, will take his life either this year or next. Who knows for sure?

Every night when I visit him I wonder if this is the last time I will see him alive. So, in a way, I do understand your need to vent, and I do understand you frustrations. I do hold you and your Daddy in my prayers. I would ask that you do the same for me.

Love,

JJ

Micki, you're not a whiner at all. Our prayers and love go out to you.

Micki

I have such great memories of your Dad, Mom, and my grandparents together. I am so sorry that you and your Dad have to go through this again.
I'm praying for you both and getting updates from my mom and Pop-pop.

This is my dad's dear friend. They've been friends since they were in the Korean War together.

We are praying for a miracle! Gotta believe in miracles. I witnessed a recent one in my friend's mom who beat cancer. No one could believe it, or explain it...even the doctors.

Micky,

I will keep you in my prayers. Never give up hope and know that you have people who care and want the best for you.

Micki,

We buried my Dad a year ago yesterday from a sudden heart attack. I feel for you but you are compounded by all the recent losses.

You do not whine. Just pour your heart out here and we will pick up the pieces for you.

My husband was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past September and we are going through all the treatments.

I know what it feels llike to not have any place to go with your thoughts and fears. Come hear it helps believe me.

email me if you want and we can provide support to each other. We are in the same state at least.

Keep coming back and posting. Amidst the turmoil you need to find an outlet.

You are in my prayers and know you are loved fromt he group.

Lynn

Lynn, how did you manage the first year after your Dad's death? I remember people talking about the first year after a loved one's death, but until I experienced it first hand with my mom I couldn't relate to what they were talking about. Now I know.

The anniversary of her death is St. Patrick's Day. I'll be visiting the cemetery soon. I'm actually looking forward to it. I like having the time to spend with just her. Do you visit your dad's grave site? Some people do, some don't. Just gotta do what works.

[ March 09, 2004, 11:20 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

I love cemeteries and feel very comfortable there. I would visit his more frequently but it is about an hour away so I don't as often as I would like.

The first year is hard because it is a year of firsts. My Dad died one year to the day after my sister's husband. Fortunatley her kids were not that tuned in to the date.

Each holiday was tough. He was a veteran so I cried right through the memorial day parade. Usually it is only a few tears but this year got pretty messy.

The Christams before my Dad died, we had a bad snowstorm and traveling was rocky. My husband John insisted we would pick up my parents and travel to my sisters. Normally and 1 1/2 trip. That day it took over three hours. But thank God John did not give in. He inssisted my parents would spend the holiday with their family.

This past Christams, I picked up my Mom and John stayed home because of chemo sickness. My Mom and I had the same thoughts....what a year could bring....and who would have thought it?

We went ot his grave on all the normal days. and my Mom went on their anniversary and to place a Christmas wreath by herself. I sent her an anniversary card that said "I remember him too". And we talked about how she can still celebrate the day she was married etc.

The day of his death was difficult and the day of his funeral. Or I should say anniversary. But I know he is in a good place and he is with us whenever he wants so I am grateful. Admittedly, this past year has been a bit bizarre.

My family has this weird superstition that whoever buys the headstone is the next to go. My grandmother never bought a headstone for her husband who died before her by 40 years. She lived to 102. When my grandmother died, my uncle bought the headstone and he died 6 months later.

When my father in law died, I begged my husband not to buy the headstone. he said his brother signed the papers but John wrote the check. Then he was having cancer surgery 6 months after my Dad died. All pretty weird. I should just get over it but it hangs on.

Anyway, I celebrate his life every chance I get. My Mom tries to do the same even though she is expereinceing everything on a different level. God Bless her.

Lynn

Lynn, sounds like you are still mourning your Dad. That's so hard.

My Dad died a couple of years ago and I'm at peace with it. We were very close and I miss him tremendously, but when I think of him I don't cry. I smile. Lots of times I laugh. He was such a fun guy and we laughed so much together.

He was hilarious and such a con. He would insist every Christmas was his last. We would drive through blizzards and fly from all over the country enduring no end of difficulty just to get home for "Daddy's last Christmas."

Despite excellent health, he played that con for about twenty years. It was the family joke. And once he got us all there, he would wax eloquent about his "Decent burial" We didn't ever want to lose him so we would cover our ears and try not to discuss it, but he loved to talk about caskets and funerals and his death which he always swore was iminent. It was hilarious.

His funeral turned out to be more like a "roast." His death was unexpected and though spiritual, he was not a church goer so Mom was planning just a short service. I was still in shock, but I knew Daddy would want more. So we had a wonderful memorial to his life. My cousin told all the funny stories we could think of and everyone laughed as much as they cried. It was so wonderfully healing.

Someone said, he would have loved it if he had been there and someone else added, "He was here."

And he was. Even now it makes me smile. Gee, how I would love to hear him laugh one more time. But also I'm grateful for the times I survived all those blizzards, and was able to hear him carry on about that darned funeral and even more the times I heard him laugh at us for being grossed out.

smile

[ March 09, 2004, 11:41 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Lynn, my mom died on St. Patrick's Day and we are Irish. Her mom died on Valentine's day and her sister on the Fourth Do July.

It wasn't until yesterday when I was sharing this story with a friend and she said, "Oh GOd, dont' you worry about Christmas, and all the other holidays"? I never even thought about that. Perhaps if someone in the family was sick near a holiday I might wonder if that's when they would ide, but All things happen for a reason.

For many days before Mom died hospice would show up and just couldn't believe she was still alive! When she died on St. Patrick's Day we realized what God was up to. Now we celebrate the day like never before! It made it so much more special for us!

I love the idea of sending the note to your mom. I'm going to write one for my dad for tomorrow. Thanks!

Sounds like your husband is a winner. He seems so very thoughtful!

As far as the superstition goes, I don't believe God works that way, but it does seem odd doesn't it?

I'm happy to hear the first year is behind you. It makes a difference. Time does tend to heal!

I continue to pray for your hubby.

Smile, sounds like your dad was such a character. I think the roast idea is a good one. It lightens things up a bit.

Dotsie,
Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. We will all pray that it is a day of healing for you. I certainly didn't know your mother, but I am a mother so I believe the best way you could commemorate her death would be by doing something joyful.

May this be your very best St. Patrick's Day and may you enjoy every moment in memory of your mother.

smile

Lynn, I am so sorry for your pain and sorrow. Watching someone we love suffer is worse than suffering ourselves, I think. My husband died at an early age, a terrible waste and my dad died several years ago, heart stopped. I am so fortunate though to have my mom who's going to be 84 in April and still works a full time job. Go figure.....If extra prayers help and they do, count on mine...Bless you and its not whining, its venting. Vent away!!

Smile, St. Patty's Day went well. We had four generations here to celebrate. At one point I became very sad thinking Mom wasn't here to see her great grandchild. I know she was here in spirit, but it's just not the same. Thanks for the prayers. Every year it gets a little easier

Micki and Lynn I am thinking of you both. Dealing with death be it your parents, husbands or friends is never easy. My 21 year old son was home from college this weekend to attend the funeral of a high school friend. She was in Cancun for her spring break, stepped off a bus and was hit by a hit and run driver. So, hug your children often, you never know when it will be the last. I try and end all my emails and IM's with "hugs and kisses, love MOM xxoo". I hugged my son many times this weekend. As to ailing parents, I have 2. They are both in the process of being diagnosed with alzheimers. It is very difficult as they live in DC and I in Baltimore, so on a good day it is an hour, but often much more. It is hard when my mom calls with an emergency. I haven't yet had to go through their dying, but this stage is hard, and sometimes I think prolonging life may not be the best. I remember my Dad saying that he didn't want to end up like his father, in a nursing home not knowing anyone for 3 years. I see that happening now, and wish that we hadn't done emergency dialysis and had him 3x week now to keep him alive. Two years ago he was mentally alert and happy with life. Now, he seems bored and never happy. It is so sad....I pray each night that God is lenient and takes both of them quickly to make their life and mine better. This is not good for any of us. Their life now is not good. Mom cries constantly. So, please keep them in your prayers also, guess all our aging parents.

Dotsie, I missed your post about st. pat's day previously. I'm so glad it went well for you. I know it will always have meaning, but hopefully each year will get easier.

Swimbo, all that sounds so difficult. How sad to watch those you love deteriorate. Somehow I guess we have to accept those things and find the blessings in them.
I lost my Dad two years ago and I still miss him, but I am at peace with it. Thankfully he never lost his mental capacity and was not ill for very long.
A friend once told me that we spend the first half of our lives gahering things and people to us then we spend the last half of our lives giving those things away and losing the friends and relatives who have been gathered to us.
I guess that's another developmental task for this age. Losing those we love eiher to illness or relocation or to death.
Middle age ain't for wimps!!
smile

quote:

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Originally posted by smilinize:
A friend once told me that we spend the first half of our lives gahering things and people to us then we spend the last half of our lives giving those things away and losing the friends and relatives who have been gathered to us.
I guess that's another developmental task for this age. Losing those we love eiher to illness or relocation or to death.
Middle age ain't for wimps!!

Smile, if middle age isn't for wimps, I hate to think about old age. Yikes!

It breaks my heart to see my dad's generation losing friends on a regular basis. That's why we have to stay focused on poitive things, continue to make new friends, and have faith that God is for us!

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