My Mom is a racist

I am dating an old boyfriend from my youth. We reconnected three years ago and have been dating long distance for a year now. When we were younger my parents would not let him come near my house and nagged me non-stop to break up with him. They said they would dis-own me if I didn't so eventually I did break up with him and they were pleased as punch. He was the sweetest person and they never knew it. After all these years he has not changed. I was married to an abuser and dated many other guys and he is by far the best. He is supportive, generous, loving and kind and would do anything for anyone.
I did not tell my mother we reconnected as I was sure she would have the same reaction as back then, I was right.
It was my 50th birthday yesterday. My mom planned a wonderful surprise birthday party for me. It was great. When she came over last night she saw a bouquet of roses on the table and asked my daughter who they were from. I was out walking the dog. My daughter said a friend and my Mom asked what is his name. I think someone at my party let the cat out to the bag. Anyway my Mom said to my daughter, not that dark guy, eeewwwwh, I can't stand the sight of him.
My daughter did not know what to say so said nothing. She could not believe my Mom would say something so rude and nasty and told me about it when I got home. My mother has never met this guy. She is totally judging him by the colour of his skin. He is of a mixed race. I have taught my children to accept all races and they do. They have variety of friends from all nationalities and races and can't stand racism.
My problem. My Mom said nothing to me, but she knew that my daughter would tell me what she said. She knew it would upset me and it did. I know I should just forget it as it is her problem but I'm really hurt that she would say such a thing to my daughter. Can't she see that it makes her look bad. It has brought up all the old hurt feelings from my past. I was so embarrassed when I was dating him back then. His parents accepted me and I was over at his house all the time but he could never come to my house or even go on the property. I totally understand that my mother is old school and back then it wasn't as accepted as it is today. What I'm most upset about is that she doesn't keep her opinions to herself. What should I do, confront her, or forget it?
Advice would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Katebc

Oh gosh, don't you wish everyone would just get over it? This perpetuation of color issues is so sad. I wanted to date a mexican boy during high school, but my mom wouldn't even let me go to watch his baseball game. Yet she did let me date a white guy - who happened to only want sex. The mexican guy was polite and respectful, but she wouldn't allow herself the opportunity to find that out.

I wish you the best, Kate. Tell your mom how nice this guys is, and that he IS a part of your life. If your mom wants to see more of you, she ought to include him as well. Maybe if she gets to know him better, she'll be a little more tolerant.

And let your boyfriend know how she feels. It's still common enough that he shouldn't be shocked, and that will take away some of the awkwardness when (if) they meet. He has to know what to expect.

Hang in there!
Kathy

I wouldn't waste one minute confronting her. She isn't going to change unless she wants to. I'd ignore her and be sure she knows you're seeing this man no matter what she thinks. What's she going to do, ground you?

I hate racism and that's because both of my parents were from the south and said such awful things about the blacks. Nothing to back what they said, just that they were different. They wore sunglasses at night on the bus (at the back of the bus I'm sure) and this made them horrible. I'm glad it never made any sense to me and that I don't feel the same way. It's pure ignorance.

All I can say is stick to your guns. And as Dianne said, what is your Mom going to do, ground you?
Be glad you aren't confined to "obeying" your mother. It's your life.
I would confront my mother and very firmly forbid her to ever say anything negative to my daughter or anyone else, about any person I choose to go out with. If she doesn't comply, then I would keep my distance from her.
She'll have to keep her thoughts to herself if she doesn't want to lose you. It might be tough, but be firm, and don't allow her to draw you into a discussion about it.
Our son married a black girl from Texas. We all love her dearly. She has brought a light into our lives like no one else ever could.
Hannelore

Hi, Kate: I'd have to agree with Hannelore on all counts. Be firm with your mother. You have to strongly express that she is wrong by all counts to judge this man by the colour of his skin. She may be your mother but, you have to go by your own sense of rights and wrongs. You have missed the first chance with this man earlier on in life. Who knows what second chances have in store for the both of you this time? Don't let anyone's prejudices stand in your way the second time around. Go for it!

Oh Kate, you are a grown woman who has no reason to care what your mother says anymore. Teach your daughter to look beyond the color of a persons skin and you see whoever you want to see. The women here know the relationship between my own mother and myself but no matter how much I love her and vice versa we both know that our choices are just that OURS, and we respect one another enough to understand that. If I were in love with someone who made me happy and she didn't approve, tough!! Because, love me, love mine...

Life is too short to let other people steal your joy! Embrace this amazing second chance that life has given you -it's no accident that he's back in your life.

You're 50 years old, stand strong against this crap and remember that you KNOW what you know - stay true to the truth and to YOURSELF!

Thanks everyone. No one shares my mothers opinion. My kids have met him and really like him. He has been coaching his kids baseball teams since they were both five, and they are now 17 and he still does. Spends the entire season, all his evenings and weekends with his kids and the other kids on the teams. He is great with kids and mine think he is really funny and nice. I have raised them not to see colour and to embrace differences. My daughter was shocked and didn't know what to say. I did tell her all about my teen years and how my parents reacted. When we met up again by accident (and I agree there are no accidents) I told my Dad about it. We have a great relationship and talk about everything. He was not too thrilled at first but after talking about it more than once he actually apologized to me. He said he doesn't like the idea and he realizes that is wrong. He said my happiness is all that he cares about. All my friends think my Mom is really out of line. The interesting thing is my Mom doesn't like many people. She can't stand my Dad's friends, and puts them down all the time. Some of them are not allowed to come to their house even though my Dad pays the rent. She doesn't like my brothers wife because she is 11 years older so she isn't good enough for him. They have been happily married for 25 years and my Mom is still rude to her when they visit which is rare. They live in the US and haven't visited for three years and I don't blame them. She dis-owned my uncle, her brother. There are many more examples. She ironically loves Oprah, go figure. I know it's her problem but it still bugs me. I'm working on letting go of any anger I feel towards her as she will never change. Although I don't agree with her, she is entitled to her opinions even though they go against all of my values. I don't think I am going to say anything to her because it won't make a bit of difference and it will just upset me. I won't hide the fact that we are dating though. It's really sad that there are people like her that are so judgmental. She goes to church every Sunday but I don't think she listens to the message or the messenger. The real sad part is that she alienates people and doesn't really have any friends. She goes to senior centres but no one invites her to their house or out for coffee. They can see what she is like in a few minutes because she talks about people behind their backs. Always saying stuff like their fat, or how can they wear those sloppy clothes etc. When I was growing up she was always telling me certain sayings. One of them was "If you can't say anything good, don't say anything at all". That stuck in my head and I live by it. Too bad she didn't take her own advice. She had some good sayings but doesn't live by them herself. Anyway, I could go on and on.
Accepting doesn't mean agreeing. I need to learn to accept and let go. That is my lesson for this week and I shall continue to work on it.
Thanks again for all your kind words.
Katebc

I think the best thing that could happen would be for her to end up in his company so she can realize how her ignorance has robbed her of knowing so many other beautiful people.

I wuoldn't make an issue of it, but I also wouldn't keep them from one another's company. Your boyfriend is a big boy and could certainly handle anything she might say in front of him. But I have a sneaking suspicion that she would be kind to him.

You also have to remember that this is a generational thing. It's hard for us to understand this (I really can't)but life is lived differently now than it was when the Greatest Generation was raised.

My niece is married to an African American and he is one of my absolute favorite people.

I also have two Korean children who happen to be at the very top of my list!

In my own family we are almost all Italian, or at least part, we live their customs and enjoy the foods. On mothers side my Italian Gran, her mother, married a Syrian boy then got divorced and remarried an Italian boy. Mom married a Lithuanian boy, my Aunt, her sister married a Spanish boy. So we were all pretty mixed up when it came to nationalities. I taught my sons never to JUDGE anyone, to accept all people for 'how' they are, not 'what' they are.

I totally understand the generational thing. I also understand my Mom's reaction back in the 70's when I was a teen. I didn't agree with it then and I don't agree with it now, but I do understand. Some people are just raised that way and pass it on to their children. Didn't work on me though, thank God.
The main reason my parents said they were upset was if we had children although I don't believe that is the only reason. That is what they told me. If our future children were mixed they would not be white or black and who should they then eventually marry. They felt it would be hard on the children. My boyfriend has a daughter and son. His daughter (who is dark) does not date or want to date black men. His son is very white with blue eyes but I'm not sure what his preference is.
My daughter has a beautiful friend (she could be a model) whose Mom is white and Dad is black. She is not interested in dating black boys. I asked her why and she says they are weird. She is a young teen and doesn't know much about dating yet. There are very few black people in our city. For some mixed race people there are problems that come up for them that they may not have if they were either white or black. But it is also that way for people of different religions. Wars of course have been started and continue in the name of religion. What I'm trying to say is I understand how some people don't agree with races mixing but...they need to realize eventually that this attitude is flawed. Religion, race, whatever, we need to all get along and love one another....amen.
As I mentioned before what I can't understand and what hurts me the most is the fact that my mother has never met and refuses now to meet my boyfriend. She is judging him totally on the colour of his skin. She is the one missing out though and I am sad for her.
Kate

Kate,

What a beautiful post. I think parents often take those kinds of stands because they don't want their children to get hurt or to not have a difficult life.

Your mom has had her racist feelings for a long time and may not even really know 'why' she feels the way she does. Even though we don't agree with her view, we know it's hard to change those old beliefs.

Could you try talking with her from that standpoint? "Mom, I know you love me and want what's best for me and that our beliefs are different. What I'd really like is for us to be able to at least be open about this..."

Diane is right. You can't make her change and confronting her will probably only alienate you.

I wish you well.

Although she hasn't even mentioned anything to me, she did tell my Dad that she doesn't understand how I can lower myself.
She also said she will never, never meet him and wants nothing to do with him. She will not talk about it with me. She gets her messages through loud and clear through my Dad and my daughter. I don't want to judge her and/or be like her. I'm really struggling with feelings of anger which I'm trying to turn around. I don't want to judge my Mom but it's hard not to. I know my Mom. She will not talk about it. There is no point going there. She is right and no one will change her mind. I have lived with her negative judgemental attitude all my life. So, at this point I am not going to discuss it with her. Even my Dad said not to say anything as she will explode. She was so mad the other day when she confronted my daughter about who I was dating that she actually got in a car accident on the way home. She did not tell me. I heard through my Dad. She hit someone, probably while she was in a rage and now has higher insurance because of it. I call that Karma.
I am praying for her and praying that I stop feeling anger towards her. I'm working on acceptence and trying to take the higher road. It's really tough timing as I am going through another struggle with my addicted son. I'm trying to keep everything in perspective and stay positive.
Kate

Some more advice would be appreciated. I just got back from a six day vacation with my boyfriend in his city. For my 50th birthday he bought me airplane tickets and took me to a resort for the week. We also celebrated Christmas early together. I told my Mom that I was going away on business to avoid having to deal with her mad looks and disapproving comments. I had a wonderful time and each time we are together we get closer and closer. I was trying to keep my guard up (due to my painful divorce and ten years alone) I was being careful. There is no going back now, not for either of us. We talked in detail and both want a future together. This part is great, the tough part is how I deal with my Mom. I am not happy with myself for lying to her about my trip. I was so overwhelmed with stress over work related issues etc. that I just didn't want to deal with her. I know she knows that I went to see him. My Dad told me she doesn't believe me. I talked to her yesterday and she did not ask me about my trip. She sounded distant and I know she is hurt that I lied to her. I just can't do it anymore and want to tell her the truth. I am a much better writer than talker in a confrontational situation and can articulate better in writing. I know that it's possible if I talk to her in person that I will get angry and protective of my boyfriend. I want to be respectful to my mother and feel that if I send her an email explaining that she has a right to her opinion but that I have a boyfriend and that we are serious. If she doesn't want anything to do with him, and even if she doesn't want to talk to him, that is fine with me. I don't want to put him through that anyway. My Mom is 80 and of course I love her but I feel that I should be upfront. Do you ladies feel that a respectful, thoughtful email to my Mom would be appropriate, or do you think I should talk to her in person? Her way is to say "I don't want to talk about it" so there is a chance that this will happen.
Your thoughts and comments will be greatly appreciated.
Kate

I think a respectful, HAND WRITTEN note to your mom would be best. Since she's 80, I think she'll appreciate more the time and effort you took into sharing your thoughts with her.

You need to be honest. Especially if you feel she already knows what's up. Tell her that times have changed and this type of relationship is more common than she might imagine. Tell her that this man treats you better than any white man you have ever been with, and that's more important than his race or color of his skin.

Tell her how happy he makes you, and doesn't she want you to be happy and loved?

Give her a big hug, tell her how happy you are that she cares enough to be worried about you, but that you're a big girl now and this man makes you very happy.

My 2 cents....
Kathy

I think a letter is better too. I jsut want to address a couple of your comments.

You said - I know that it's possible if I talk to her in person that I will get angry and protective of my boyfriend.

You should be protective of him. You have every right to do that.

You said - If she doesn't want anything to do with him, and even if she doesn't want to talk to him, that is fine with me. I don't want to put him through that anyway.

I wouldn't mention this to her. I would only state what you want her to know. I would not address how she may respond.

I'm sure you'll handle this well. I can tell you are sensitive to ALL feelings. Think about us sending prayers and well wishes your way!

Write her, NOT email though, and speak to her as you would to someone who means the world to you as I'm sure she does. Say nothing negative, tell her how important she is to you and that you love this man, use his name, and say that you want him to meet the woman you admire (her) and you so want her to meet the man who makes you happy etc. Don't give her any excuses what-so-ever. Then sit back and wait, the ball will be in her court. If a week goes by with no answer you may want to call her and just ask if she would like to take the next step. Maybe lunch with all of you. Remember though its hard for someone 80 years old to just change horses in mid stream and break old habits. Give her time to adjust but not at the expense of your new love. Keeping my fingers crossed. Oh and be upfront with him about whats going on, he should know and hopefully understand.

Ok, thanks, a hand written letter, well I type 90 words a minute but write like a doctor. No one can read my writing it's become so poor from lack of writing. But, that is a good idea. We are approaching Christmas very soon and I have my parents over for dinner on the 24th (our Christmas) so I thought an email might be better as we send each other emails on a regular basis. I understand that she is 80 and it will be tough for her to change. I also know that she dislikes and judges most people, hasn't talked to her own brother in years and has basically written him off as he doesn't live up to her standards. I really don't think that she will accept this relationship. In fact I'd bet money on it, sad but true. She won't want to talk about it, I just want to address the lying on my part. I need to stop acting like I am still a teenager. These are different circumstances now even though they bring up memories from years ago when I was dating him. Getting together with this man from my past brought up anger issues for me with my mother so I have not wanted to discuss it for fear I would say the wrong thing. After taking the time to go through what I needed to, I feel that I will handle it better now especially in a letter. I respect my Mom's right to her own opinions, even though her opinion of my boyfriend is based strictly on his colour as she has never met him. I guess I could type her a letter so she can at least read it but with the mail this week (Christmas rush) she may not get it quickly. Is it better to discuss it before or after Christmas? I will have to give this some thought as it's a touchy situation.
thanks for your comments,
Kate

Kate, would your boyfriend be willing to give your Mom a call? Of course it depends how well he can cope with the situation. But if he should have a pleasant phone manner, then it might develop into more. It may be worth a try.
Hannelore

Oh boy I would bet money against that one, especially when she finds out who shes speaking to. She sounds like a die hard bigot. Its her way, or the highway and thats so sad...Since rereading your last reply it sounds more like you already know what her reaction will be but you just aren't comfortable lying to her, so don't! You're a grown woman, not a teenager as you said. Sometimes we know what we hate to admit. Just stop lying and hope maybe a miracle will occur and she'll come around. If not, enjoy both worlds even if they must remain separate, and RELAX!!!

Thanks for the suggestion Hanelore but Chatty is right on, she would refuse to talk to him. She already told my Dad that she will NEVER meet him. I sometimes find it hard to believe that she is my Mother. Not to be mean or anything but we are so different. Of course she has her good points but it is always her way or the highway. My Dad has friends that are not allowed to come to the house to visit him because she won't allow it. One or more of them didn't agree with her point of view while over for dinner or something and they were banned from the house. My Dad (who is in a wheel chair with only one leg) has to meet them at a coffee shop. Actually wheel himself down there. And every time he meets with him the entire time before he goes she says "how can you see that idiot" you pick the stupidest friends"
That is how I know she will never accept my boyfriend, sad but true. I've accepted that but just want to address the lying on my part. Now all I have to decide is should I send/email a letter before Christmas or after. I'm thinking before because things will be tense, but then again they are always tense every year. It will be tense if I tell her or not. She may pull a sick mood and stay home which she has also done before when she didn't get her way.
Well, I will still count my blessings.
Kate

Good thing I didn't bet, heh? Chatty? Actually as soon as I posted my suggestion, I thought....no way.
I say don't postpone, Kate, just get it over with. Do it like you'd pull off a bandade....fast.
Feel blessed that you are experiencing a new love. That's all that matters.

Will they have an opportunity to be together during the holidays? IS that why you want to do it before?

Kate, unfortunately, I don't think Mom is going to change. So you are going to have to change the way you respond to her. Think about ways that you will be able to respond ahead of time. And know that it can also be your way or the highway. Gosh that sounds mean, but it's true. You are entitled to have a relationship with someone who adores you. Remember that...

They will not have the opportunity to meet during the holidays. That is why I went away with him last week for six days. We celebrated Christmas early together. He has 16 year old twins and is taking them skiing over Christmas. I will be with my children. We live 3,000 miles away from each other. I do know that if he came for Christmas my Mom would not come for dinner. She's no Katherine Hepburn (Guess who's coming to dinner)
We've been spending time alone with each other getting to know each other again. Neither of us wants to rush into anything as the relationship is too important to us. We reconnected 3 years ago but have only been dating for a year now. It has become quite serious so the next step will be to introduce the kids, probably this summer. Both of us are on the same page where the kids are concerned and want them to feel comfortable. My kids have had to put up with quite a few women in their Dad's life. It was difficult for them. At least he has been with the same woman for 4 years now but they had to deal with a new brother which was not easy at first. I want to be sure that this is it for their sake. I believe it is though and they have both told me that they really like him. My 13 year old son told me I have his blessing if I want to marry him. I had a little chuckle over that one. He did throw in though that he is not moving to his city. That is our biggest hurtle and one that will take alot of thought.
I will let you know how it goes with my mother. My prediction, she will read the letter and say nothing.
Kate

I think I would count my lucky stars if she said nothing. BUT at least you'll know you did the right thing. You accomplished not having to lie to her and as I said before now the balls in her court. Have a wonderful holiday and just know "that you can lead a horse to water, but can't make it drink." I envy your new found love...I love being in love!

Thanks for the comments. I sent an email this morning only because we frequently email each other, and I wanted her to get it before Christmas. With the season in full swing I wasn't sure if the mailman would deliver the letter on time.
Hard to say what she will do. I took my dad out for coffee yesterday and he told me that she said he will never be allowed in her home, more of that type of talk. It's sad really that she cannot find happiness and chooses anger and bitterness over love and happiness. I am so happy that I have found love again and she is so miserable. I will continue to pray for her as that is all I can do.
I'll keep you updated.
Kate

Kate, you are moving in the right direction. Please keep us posted. Meanwhile, enojoy your beau.

Kate, how does your father feel about this new man? Would he be interested in meeting him even though your mom wouldn't?

I just spoke with my father. He told me my Mom got the letter and is really angry. She says he will NEVER be allowed to come to her house and she will NEVER meet with him, doesn't want to hear about him etc. etc.
My father said he would like to meet him and is happy that I have found him again. He was not happy about the idea at first and back when we were dating when we were teens he did not like it but has changed now. He see's how happy I am and only wants the best for me. He has also changed his views on other cultures etc. At one time their generation had some different ideas based on ignorance. Thank God times have changed. My mother on the other hand is a control freak, wants me to date who she wants me to date and is more concerned with what people will think of her, than about my happiness. I feel really sorry for her as she does not know the true meaning of love. I continue to pray for her but she is so stubborn that she will stick with this attitude until the day she dies.
I will treat her with respect though but will not introduce my boyfriend to her mainly because she won't see him but even if she did meet him she would definately be rude to him and I would not want him to go through that. Of course if she had a change of heart I would love for her to meet him. That will be the day pigs fly :-)
My brother and his wife do not visit anymore because she has never excepted her daughter in-law and they have been happily married for 25 years. She doesn't like her because she is 11 years older than my brother and not pretty enough. She was really rude to her the last visit over 3 years ago. They used to visit every year but now make excuses that they are too busy. I don't blame my sister in-law at all. I would never visit her if she was my mother in-law. I actually left the table when they last visited as my mother was being so rude to my sister in-law I had to leave or I would have blown up at her. It really wouldn't matter if my boyfriend was black, chinese, japanese whatever, she probably wouldn't like him anyway. My sister in-law is white and she never liked her. She almost didn't go the their wedding and cried the entire service not because of joy but because she was so upset. My boyfriend wants to marry me. You can bet if that ever does happen she will not attend. Oh well, at least I have all my friends blessings and now my Dad's. This I am grateful for.
Kate

Your mother sounds like a very unhappy person and I can't imagine that she has many friends. I feel sorry for your dad, but so glad he is supporting your decision.

See your mom when you must, but give your time to your boyfriend and others who accept you all as you are. There's nothing you can do to change your mom, so make an honest effort to enjoy your life and not worry about her.

Good luck, you guys can come to my house for dinner anytime when you're in California. Tell him he's welcome!

Kathy

Thank you and for the offer of coming to dinner June :-)
My Mom is a very unhappy person with a victim poor me attitude on one hand, and a very angry controlling person on the other. She blames my Dad for everything that has gone wrong with her life (as if she didn't have any choices) and reminds him constantly, bringing up the past on a daily basis. She is always right and eveyone else, including me, is wrong.
She does have her good points though and I am going to hang on to those. I gave up my boyfriend years ago due to her controlling ways (and my weakness) and will not do it a second time. I plan to enjoy our time together which unfortunatly is only every three months for now. We plan to be together on a more permanent basis once our kids are finished high school in a couple of years.
So nice to have all this support from everyone :-)
Kate

Kate, my parents bring up stuff I did when I was 15-years old! I'm what? 59-years old now. They say an elephant never forgets but they haven't met my folks yet. LOL!

I can relate although my Mom doesn't bring up things from my my past too often. She does remind my Dad on a daily basis about something from the past that made her unhappy and blames it on him. I have a saying with her when she trys to tell me stories I have heard over and over again (usually something negative about my Dad) I just say " I don't want to go down memory lane today" that seems to work better than other things I have tried.
Your right Kathy (Rick and June) my Mom has few friends. She rarely has anyone over and always complains that she never gets invited to thier homes. She invites people at times but they don't come back and don't invite her over. She can't figure this out? And of course there are many people that she bans from coming to her house for some reason or another. She does belong to senior centres but always talks about the people there, how old they look, they don't dress right, etc. She doesn't have much good to say. It drives me crazy because she doesn't get to know people the way most people do. I guess that is where the problem lies. It's all about what they look like, what they have, rather than what they are like as a person. It's all just very sad, and I used to wear it but am working on that. I am not going to let her get in the way of my happiness with this man. I can't anyway, I'm just to happy.
Kate

Racism is one of those stigmas that just won't go away. Why? Because what people do or say in PUBLIC is very different from what they do or say behind CLOSED DOORS. Someone told me a long time ago that we're all racist but we just don't admit it. I'd hate to think that is true but just think of some of the things you may do without even realizing it. Not YOU specifically but maybe your family, friends, other relatives.

How many of you live in the suburbs? Did you know that when Urban Renewal took place in the late 60s and 70s, there was something called "white flight" because more and more blacks were living in the city. How diverse is your neighborhood?

How many have moved to send their children to "better schools?" Where are those schools? In neighborhoods that people like me can't afford so we have to fight the system to ensure that our children will get an equal education in spite of where they live.

Why are churches segregated? CNN did a special a few years back about the hours between 11am-1pm being the most segregated hours in America because of where we go to church. Do we not serve the same God? Do you think heaven will be segregated?

African-Americans are also guilty. We can't blame EVERYTHING on racism--but often times we do because that's always the easy answer for why someone doesn't like us.

I have been the victim of racism more times than I care to count or remember. Yes, I know it exists but I choose not to allow it to penetrate my being. If you don't like me, let it be because of my personality or character but not simply because my skin is darker than yours.

OK..I'm off of this bandwagon. I appreciate katebc's honesty about her mother.


Peace & Blessings,
Beverly Mahone
Author, Whatever! A Baby Boomer's Journey Into Middle Age
Purchase your copy of “Hope for the Holidays” at http://www.talk2bev.com/holiday.htm

“I’m not a writer because I wrote a book. I wrote a book because I was inspired by God to write.”

Thank you Bamqibbs, your points are very valuable. I do believe that we are all prone to being judgemental and have to work on that, with racism, gay issues, religion, the list goes on. I am trying to be have more compassion for everyone. This is what I am working on at this point in my life, compassion. As for my mother, she is very unhappy. She says that she has a problem with races mixing. Many people do and don't admit it. We all need to work on tolerance and acceptance of others differences, only then will we have a peaceful society. My Mom wrote back which surprised me, that is a good sign. She told me she does not agree that races should mix. She said a few other things but that is the main point she made. She also said she does not want to talk about it again. She also told me that my Dad is not happy about it and tells her that but tells me another story. She is trying to build her case but she is the only person I know that thinks this way. Everyone else in my family and all my friends are so happy for me. I have been on my own for 10 years. A man like him is really hard to find. He adored me way back in the seventies when we were teens, and he still adores me now, how cool is that. I won't let my Mom steal my joy (as someone said)
Wishing everyone a peaceful holiday season.
Kate

Bamgibbs,

That is one of the most insightful and beautiful posts I've ever read. At a time when you could easlily have chosen to strike out, you chose to enlighten and you did it beautifully.

Tonight my husband and I will be the only non African Americans at a party given by one of our best friends. As a non fullblood American Indian, I've experienced racism from a lot of perspectives. I get insulted from all sides and can't truly identify with any group. My 'white' friends unknowingly insult my Indian heritage and my Indian friends insult my 'white' heritage. Our black friends insult both, but still we are friends.

I'm always on the line somewhere between the majority and the minority, Indian and Anglo, never quite fitting in anywhere. The only approach that works for me is to ignore it all.

I will remember your words bamgibbs.

smile

My perspective....
The grass is not, in fact, greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it. The grass is greenest where it is (loved) watered. When crossing over fences, carry (love) water with you and tend the grass (fellow man) wherever you may be....

I enjoy hearing persceptives spoken honestly. Chatty, I especially like what you have to say. All fences need to be broken down.

Ther is an excellent book I've mentioned in here before. It's a children's book by Peter Spier called People. I think that's right. Anyway, it's so very elementary, but it speaks volumes about our physical differences and internal similarities. I believe we've come to understand this at BWS. Thanks to all of you for treating others the way you want to be treated. That's all it boils down to.

Dear Katebcca,
The Good Lord has allowed me to know some wonderful people. My adoptive dad, my best friend, my grandparents--were all uncomfortable around other races. These folks were kind and hardworking! They took-in stray humans and animals, alike. But they were prejudice. I don't think they actually realized it themselves, sometimes. It's too bad. But that's a fact. I guess two generations ago, folks were brainwashed against skin color different from their own. Who knows? But give your mom some slack. Chances are, she doesn't realize how her actions come across to someone else. Good luck. Some of the dearest people I've ever known, had black skin.

Kate you have a long road ahead, however time is shorter 'cause your Mom is 80. This type of anger she feels inside herself ...might actually shorten her life.. I'm serious.

I know the pain...

There was tremendous pressure for all of us (5 girls & 1 boy) to marry someone else who was Chinese. My sister is married to a Caucasian and yes, my parents did disown her for first few years. They never went to her wedding. It was awful..and I was a mediator "delivering" message between sister and parents. It took ....10 years for my parents to fully accept my sister's marriage. The acceptance came with birth of her daughter,, followed by her son. They are also fortunate that their son-in-law is a mild-tempered, naturally friendly guy himself. My sister and her hubby will be celebrating their 25th wedding anniverary this year.

I can attest, that it takes tremendous persistence to stand firm, but show your love as a daughter...somehow in the midst of heart-wrenching family conflict. My mother turned grey haired within 1 yr. Well, her fault, she brought on herself. My father is fluently bilingual English-Chinese so it's easier to break the ice.

Yes, my sister paved the way for me (her elder) and yet for another sister where 3 of us are with Caucasian partners. But a terrible cost initially. A 4th sister is happily married and has 3 children to someone who is Chinese.

May I suggest a self-help book: "The Dance of Anger" by Harriet Lerner. I found it helpful to keep perspective.

Your father may provide some comfort. Don't create a situation that pits him constantly against your mother. It's abit tiring for him.

Attend family functions with parents around but you might be wise to visit parent(s) alone to engage in ..talk.

It is quite important that your happiness be not infected and that your daughter understand..you still love your own mother...for other things.

Your visits with your boyfriend and parents should for first while be kept low-key. Maybe have a large family dinner where there's lots of people distraction, so your mom doesn't overfocus on "him".

The question I would ask is...how old is your mom?

From my experience, as they age, they do tend to become less able to filter their feelings. I used to think it was just older folks taking advantage of being older, and therefore able to say anything.

One of my nursing friends, a woman who has worked with seniors for some years, told me that there is actually a reason behind this behavior. There is a stage where one reverts back to a time before the "social filters" came into play. Is it possible that your mother has reached this stage?

One piece of advice my wonderful sister-in-law gave me recently. She cares for her mother -- same age as mine.

"Honey, the sooner you realize that your version of reality and your mom's version of reality are never going to meet in the middle, and you stop trying to convince her you are right -- you will be a lot happier."

It still doesn't make it easier when they say or do things we don't agree with. And, certainly, I would never condone racism myself. But, you could be just setting yourself up for banging your head up against a wall by trying to change her. As long as you and your children are in agreement, isn't that all that matters, anyway?

Just my thoughts...

and...a story for you...just so you know you're not alone.

The last time one of my siblings traveled via airplane with mom, she really said something out of line. She is, by nature, a kind person who would usually not say anything to hurt another.

She watched people boarding the plane, then said in a really loud voice, "I don't recall when I have seen so many fat people in one place! I don't know how this plane is even going to get of the ground with all these fat people on it!"

Good thing she is a little, sweet-faced elderly woman, or my sibs and I would be constantly defending her.

The other thing...just so you don't think she is dissing others who aren't like her...Mom is not thin. She isn't heavy, but no way is she petite, either. So, this wasn't like she was remarking from the point of view of someone who doesn't take up a lot of space.

We just try to keep smiling, knowing that she is not at heart mean-spirited. This old-age trip, as she calls it, has been one of many surprises.