My mom + my husband = stress ! ? What to do?

My mother's husband died and she moved to a home for the elderly close to our home. She is a sweet 85 year old woman, who I love dearly. Because she doesn't know anyone here, I feel obligated to have her over, do things with her, and just spend lots of time with her. I work full-time, am married, and have friends, children (out of the house) and hobbies. Wow, I need to be awake 24 hours a day. I'm always on some guilt trip. Either my husband is being neglected or my mother, or my work. The last 30 years, I didn't have much of her, and I am really enjoying this time with her now. My husband doesn't make it easier. In fact, he's jealous.
I feel he should understand that I need this time with my Mom. I'd like to know if any of you ladies have a similar situation, and how your spouse's react. I think it would be ideal to share some of the things my husband and I do with my Mom; like going to the theater, restaurants and such. My husband wants me for himself, and is not willing to have her come along. I have to admit that she can be sometimes critical…but it's tolerable (some old people develop that trait). She can be so very loving as well, and she is ever so thankful when we include her in our outings. My question is: How much is too much or too little? I just don't know what's right and wrong anymore. I'd be grateful for any suggestions or opinions.

It seems as our parents age, we feel like we need to spend more and more time with them since any time could be our last.

My father-in-law is a spry 84 year old carpenter, and travels between all five of his kids homes doing handyman work and visiting. He's a great guy and I do love him.

He has a tendency to pop in without calling, and it seems his timing is frequently bad - I'm usually working on a deadline for a client when he stops by. At first I was irritated, and then I realized the guy just needed some company (everyone else was at work - I was at home, so I must not be working...).

I've become much more patient and I just stop what I'm doing and visit. The client can't see that I'm taking a break for an hour or so, and what's more important in the big picture - getting their logo sample to them immediately, or spending an hour with this wonderful man?

Hannelore, you have to decide how much is too much or too little. I think when she's gone, you'll realize there may not have been a "too much" and wish you had more time with her.

Where are your husband's parents? Maybe he doesn't have a close relationship with them and so he doesn't understand your need to be with your mom. Explain it to him, and then try to have some time with her, and also some private time with your hubby so he doesn't feel left out.

What does that leave you? No private time for yourself! It is tiring, isn't it? Maybe you can make your work lunch hour a special time for yourself - stop working and actually go out to a nice place to eat, or take a walk, or sit on a park bench and watch the birds. Maybe that will be enough to get you through this time.

Geez, I sure rambled, didn't I? Hope some of this helps...
Kathy

Hannelore, my dad lives within a mile from our home and I am always torn between visiting him and hanging out with my family. He lives alone. Mom died 5 years ago. He is a pleasure, so it's easy and enjoyable to visit, but I don't want the kids or Ross to think I'm always running to Pop-Pop's.

So...I try to visit him maybe one night a week. I just go sit and chat for a little over an hour. We try to have him here for dinner occasionally so we can all be together. Another thing I do is ask him to run some errands with me just so we can be together (and that's something no one else wants to do anyway). I also talk to him almost every day. And I try to do that when my husband is working out at the Y.

I suggest talking to your hubby about it. Perhaps you can do the things with her that he isn't interested in doing with you anyway. Would that work? then he could spend that time accomplishing things he does without you.

But we always have to remember...our spouses and children come first. Ahhh...balance...isn't it wonderful!

Also, another thought is the way our children see us tending to our parents is the example we are setting for how the will care for us in the future.

Whats that old saying, "dammed if I do and dammed if I don't."

I clicked right on this morning to see if I got any replies.
That is exactly what I'm afraid of Kathy…when my Mom is gone I want to avoid a guilt trip in addition to sorrow. On the other hand Dotsie suggested a time plan that I might just focus on: your suggestion sounds like a good balance. Those were my thoughts, and it was good to hear a confirmation. At this point it's almost every day…and I guess that is the stress between hubby and me. I always thought so many families have their old parents live with them, and they have them every day…but I should take advantage of the fact that she lives in a " self management" (don't know what's it's called in English) home for the elderly. And ah, last but not least Chatty lady brings it down to the point. Yeah, but I refuse to be damned…(Hmpf) so I'm trying to find a happy solution. Thank you Kathy, Dotsie and Chatty lady.

I am feeling so badly for you. I know how torn you are. I wonder if you could schedule specific times to spend with your mom. She could look forward to Sunday dinners, a Wednesday night visit and maybe a Friday shopping trip. The rest of the time your husband would know you're his. Now, they are set. How about you? When are you alone with you? When do you visit with your friends? You can't offer the best of yourself to everyone else without replenishing your spirit and soul now and again. I'm just sayin'...........

I wish I were in your shoes. What I mean is that I wish I had that option with my Daddy. I'm sure you understand. When you talk to your husband, ASK him if he thinks a "Mom night" once a week would work. The reason I say ASK him is that they love it when they think it's THEIR idea.

So, you could say, "Honey, you're a smart man...help me here. Do you think maybe sitting aside one night a week, maybe calling it 'Mom's Night Out' would work? What do YOU think? I need your wise counsel."

Put the ball back in his court.

While I agree that spouse and children should be your priority, she gave your life; I think Hubby should be willing to let you give HER some of yours...

JJ

It was something that JJ said "...she gave your life..." which brought me back to what my Mom used to say to her sister: "A son is a son until he takes a wife. A daughter is a daughter all your life."

Great idea JJ....and Lola that is so true.

Old Knitter, I don't know why, but what you said made me teary; maybe because I'm weary. Gee that rhymed. It's hard to make a def. schedule because of my job; realestate. I never know when I have house showings, and they are often evenings and weekends, so when I have a breather it's pack up Mom or Hubby…and in between; got to take care of those friends…or we'll loose them.
JJ, I have spoken with Hubby, and you're so right about manipulating men to think "It's their idea." I probably have waited too long, and Hubby is just bitter about the situation. I was at the point where I didn't care, because I had that attitude that he should be more willing. I'm just going to do what Dotsie suggested. Try to do things with my mother when he isn't around; got to send him on a lot of house showings LOL.
That saying is so true Lola; I see that with my own sons…you do too, Chatty, right?
I don't have much time for myself and stealing away with you ladies to chat is such an escape for me. That's my free time, my choice, and I love it.

Hannelore, I went to see Dad again this weekend when everyone else was occupied. Just for about 45 minutes, but it breaks up his day. It works. Then Wednesday, my daughter and I are going to get together with him and go to Kohl's. It sounds silly but he gets a senior citizen discount and likes to share it with us. My daughter and I will shop for college dorm items and he'll look for a few minutes, then sit in the front and gladly wait for us. We're going to do dinner before, or after. Everyone's happy. Also, Ross and the boys will be at a tennis match so they'll be happy too.

Little visits work well. Why not give them a try?

I've been following your suggestion ...and your right...it doesn't have to be an all day thing...the short visits are just as good. Thanks Dotsie, for your valuable advice.

Gosh, glad I could help.