no more license to drive

Posted by: Dotsie

no more license to drive - 03/20/08 06:35 PM

Have any of you lived in the same town as your parent when those chose to give up driving?

Dad is getting ready to sell his car and it's breaking my heart. I'm afraid it is going to make him feel more isloated and he's such a people person. I know it's the right choice, but it's another loss for him.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: no more license to drive - 03/21/08 10:18 PM

We had to take Daddy's keys away from him when the dementia escalated and he drove home from Wal-mart (10 miles) with HIS side of the door wide open and flopping in the wind.

My sister just happen to see him leavin the parking lot and followed him home. He never knew she was behind him.

He had two wrecks right before that, but the door was the final straw. It was awful because he had enough of his mental capacities left to know we (Mom and my sisters and I) were taking the keys away and he could no longer drive. We told him we were there, 24/7 to take him whenever he wanted to go.

He got madder than rip....at first. Then forgot he was suppose to be mad. Sometimes the dementia came in handy. God love him!
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: no more license to drive - 03/21/08 10:39 PM

Mom was forced to stop driving when her leg became so dysfunctional that she couldn't rely on it to hit the brakes...it would be almost two years before we discovered that the leg problems were due to spinal/bone cancer. At the time, she was devastated to lose the freedom that the car represented. Fortunately she lived two floors above my brother's apartment, so he and we were able to take her anywhere she needed/wanted to go. But the combination of grief (losing Dad after 54 years of marriage), increasing disability due to the undiagnosed cancer and the loss of independence really demoralized her and she became a recluse in those last months of her life. I wish we had been more attentive to the despondency but she hid it well whenever we were around.

My Mom was like your Dad, Dotsie, very much a people-person, and she really did suffer from the multiple losses of Dad, physical ability and then her driving too.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 03/21/08 11:41 PM

Anne, the only transportation he could take would be a cab and I'm sure he would if needed. I don't really see that happening because all of us are around and able to get him out and about. YOur dad must have been young if you were only a teenager. I know a guy who hit and killed a kid on a bike in his own neighborhood. How he ever got behind the wheel of a car again, I can't imagine, but he did immediately.

Georgia, I didn't know that about your dad. I don't know why but I thought that by that time he was in a care center. At what point did he go to a care center? Just curious so I know what might be ahead of us with our loved one.

Eagle, by the grace of God, all of us are around too. But your mom's losses sound similar to Dad's. Mom is now gone 7 years, he's lost many siblings, in-laws and dear friends, he is slowing down, and now the car issue is another loss.

What can we boomers do to prepare for these losses?
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: no more license to drive - 03/21/08 11:43 PM

Dotsie, it as almost a year...a very hard year, too!
Posted by: Anno

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 12:12 AM

My dad still drives and from what I have seen, it's okay. God protect the person that has to take his keys away.

Mom quit a while ago, she never enjoyed it anyway (she is turning 80 soon!).

Dennis had to quit driving last August. He ran into a pole because he couldn't move his foot from the accelerator to the brake. It was soooo hard for him to give up this independence, but we have a great metro mobility program here for the disabled.

The car is definitly a symbol for freedom and youth. I think, by giving up the keys, a person is also giving up on staying young. And that is so sad.
Posted by: Di

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 01:26 AM

My stepmother still drives...and is turning 79 soon. Dad has not driven since he was in his 40's due to Macular Degeneration.

I've drilled Dad a few times on this subject. "Dad, you WOULD know when Isabel no longer should drive, right?" He insists that she is "still ok"...does not drive at night anymore.

But it scares me still.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 12:05 PM

Di, macular degeneration at such a young age. Do you visit the eye doctor regularly?

Anno,
"The car is definitly a symbol for freedom and youth. I think, by giving up the keys, a person is also giving up on staying young. And that is so sad."

I've never put my finger on the youth part, but that's so true.

jawjaw, I think that year is fast upon us with a nother loved one. I'll be leaning on you for advice.

Gotta go take Dad to the food store! HA!
Posted by: ladyjane

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 12:51 PM

My Dad (fortunately) still lives at home and drives, but due to his worsening macular degeneration, he has stopped all night driving. This is a particularly frightening disease, because he's so visual. He loves to read and do anything hands on. We've introduced him to audio books but I must admit it's just not the same as a book in one's hands. We will all face something someday that begins to take away independence. And being boomers, we'll be in huge company.
Posted by: orchid

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 03:31 PM

Quote:

What can we boomers do to prepare for these losses?




*to seriously reconsider when you downscale to a smaller home, to choose a home closer to services, within walking, public transit or taxi service. This might mean living in a totally different town/city.

*to begin now not to depend so heavily on a car. Or try blending car and public transit for a route. Yes, I do know people who blend in car...and bike. These are women my age and up into their 50's.

I have a single retired good friend, she is close to 70. She sold her car about 5 yrs. ago and hasn't looked back. She chose to live near the subway line and is in walking distance (5-15 min.) to grocery store, services, restaurants. She saves alot of money. She takes taxi occasionally. She is highly involved in several groups several times weekly. A very people-oriented person.

I've known her for 25 yrs. and she has seen how I took up cycling later in life and made it a lifestyle that wasn't so dependent (and costly) on the car.

What will I do if I can't cycle..take public transit and walk. Like I used to as a child, teenager and university student. Take taxi occasionally. And I can't assume family will be chauffeuring me around..since I don't have children.

My father is 79 and still drives. But he voluntarily avoids high speed highways and night driving..for past 6-8 yrs. He and Mom live close to a bus stop... They also are a 15-min. walk from a large grocery story. They deliberately chose their retirement home to be close to services. Previously they lived in the suburbs in a different city after all their children grew up.

However they do ask one of their adult kids to drive them to functions that involve travelling on the expressways.

I'm glad my father is slowly making that transition...on his own time/pace.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: no more license to drive - 03/22/08 03:51 PM

These are wonderful suggestions and if you live in a large city, doable.

However, for a lot of people, they live in rural areas and relocating is not an option. In that case, I would suggest doing the tag-team thing. Ask others who may belong to your church or bridge club, or writing group, whatever, if you can barter for trips to town. Swap duties with them, or maybe offer to pay the gas if they will let you ride along on grocery day.

Cycling is great but not for everyone. It's not that it couldn't be learned, just that some people don't want to learn it...it wouldn't be their choice of traveling mode and they may not live within an area that has other means of travel. I know I don't. I live in the country and the nearest bus system is 25 miles away. No subways here, either.

I think I would try to form some sort of "Favor of the Month" club and find people who were willing to swap out favors to aid me in getting back and forth to town. Just some thoughts.
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: no more license to drive - 04/14/08 09:30 PM

My mom had her 88th birthday April the 9th and she was so afraid to go for her license, afraid they would say "are you kidding?" Well happy days, she got it, to retest in two years though, not four. Go mom!!!!!
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 04/14/08 09:39 PM

orchid, these are great ideas and certainly things to consider.

Unfortunately, Dad doesn't get around well, walking, that is.

So far, so good. He is not the type to complain. His kids love the heck out of him so he has lots of company. I picked him up to run my errands at lunch today just so he could get out and he loved it, and I enjoyed his company.

chatty, sounds like you have many years ahead of you. Good for your mom. But does she run red lights like you? Ha! Just kidding. Couldn't resist. I'm laughing!
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: no more license to drive - 04/15/08 07:58 AM

Dotsie, Its called 'taking the bull by the horns," otherwise we might still be sitting at that 'forever' red light. When you drive with me, it may get a little hairy but like I said then, I have driven since age 16 and have never even gotten a ticket...Been very lucky, and always get where I'm going, especially when I'm carrying precious cargo like you and Meredith...
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 04/15/08 07:08 PM

chatty, I loved being your passenger. Hard to beleive we were all just together a couple days ago! Still can't believe it.

Anne, glad to hear a man stepped up to the caregiving plate. How cool is that?

As far as the driving goes, you can always balme it on the doctor. Would the doctor agree?
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 04/16/08 05:35 PM

I think Dad not having his license is harder on me than it is him. I keep thinking of him in his apartment on these gorgeous days and not being able to get out. Well, actually he got out twice on Monday and once yesterday so this is the first day this week that he's sitting in all day.

I can't imagine being stuck in the house. But maybe when I'm older, I'll want to.
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: no more license to drive - 04/16/08 10:00 PM

Is your father well enough on his own to take a walk Dotsie? Or go and sit on the stoop?
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: no more license to drive - 04/17/08 03:30 PM

This is so funny. I called Dad to tell him I was going to stop by last night becasue I figured he'd been in all day. My brother naswered the phone. He and his wife had made dinner and were visiting. Then I called my sister later and she told me she was at Dad's for three hours during the day, and while she was there one of his friends and his wife visited. I'm so happy about this.

Chats, he can't walk well. That's another reason he gave up the car I think. Because whenever he drove soemwhere, he couldn't walk very far anyway. He has a nice deck and I'm hoping that now that it's warmer, he'll sit out there and get some fresh air!