parent in assistant living HELP FEELING Guilty

Hi,

Last July, my 85 yr old mom fell and broke her hip, went to bad rehab - back to hospital for 5 days, then home for a night, ended up total melt down, back to hospital for 4 days, back to better rehab for a month, back home for about 3 weeks, back to hospital had heart attract and bi-pass surgery. While all of this was going on we were taking care of my 88 yr old father and I am working full time. My dad wanted to be with my mom was so we did a respa stay in last rehab (nursing home) for about 3wks then they both agreed to go to an assisted living home until further evaluation. That’s where we are now, they both want to go home but it is not only finically not possiable, most of all it would not be safe for them. We have not had the talk with them that going home is not an option and they are both obsessed with going home. My mom gets angry if we even start the conversation and my dad too, so we keep, putting it off. Has anyone had this happen to them?? Do we talk now or just keep putting off until next month, then try another month? It has been 1 month in assisted living home.
Any words of advise appreciated.
P

PretiP, first of all, welcome to the board. By your brief summary of happenings, it sounds like your parents are in the best place they can be. They're alone yet have the round the clock care needed. That's really the best thing for them. At home, they would need a home health care agency and I'm not sure what resources they have...doesn't sound like much. I know you feel urgent about having "the talk" but if they react angrily when it's brought up, maybe giving it some time for them to make that decision on their own is best. Or talk to a social worker at the facility about your concerns. Leave some of that up to them (social workers)and also their doctors. They can help them assess the situation of assisted living versus going home in feasibility and dollars and cents. Maybe that will lead them to their own difficult decisions and you can just stand by and be a positive support. Keep us posted and tell us some things about yourself when you get a chance. We're always here.

Thank you so much for responding. My daughter helped me find this site. She thought I was not clear as to where they are living, they are actually in a beautiful brand new group home, it houses 10 but only 6 in there now. The owners are there during the day and one caretaker at night. I think it makes it a little harder having both my mom and dad backing each one up when they want something and my mom puts a lot of stress on my dad to try to get them out of there. They spend most of there time angry at things and all they want to talk about is they are going home. Even though I know that would be the worse thing for them in my head, my heartbreaks and I question my decision. You are right, I need to find a social worker to get some help from. I am also looking for a group to find for support. This is one of the hardest things I have had to deal with, besides my sister having cancer, but even that easier, because she is doing well and has such a strong support group and boyfriend. I work many hours at my daily job, then, am the main contact for all of my parents stuff. I hate my life right now!! Thanks for listening!!!

Patty

Welcome, PretiP. And thanks for posting so honestly.

You have had some major changes in your life lately, so I beg of you to take care of yourself. And I agree with Jane about talking to the social worker. A third party with no agenda is often the best person to help sort out matters.

I understand hating your life right now. The feeling of being overwhelmed in life is exhausting. Please find some time to do something that makes you laugh. Chatty has posted a video link (I believe the thread says Pee before you read this) and it has many of us laughing. Even 5 minutes a day of laughter can help a small bit.

I am living in a life that is overwhelming me, right now, and I do a smiling meditation each morning before I get out of bed. I just lay there and smile the biggest smile I can for a few minutes. It sounds silly, but it does help start the day out a little bit nicer.

Please stop back and let us know how you are doing. You might also want to visit a few of the other threads and get to know some new friends here.