Taking the high road is not always easy - help!

I am really trying to stay on the high road but tonight I got hit in the gut once again and am really struggling with it.

The soon-2-b-x orchestrated a fiasco with our kids today by confusing after school pickup arrangements. He told each of them a different set of instructions and kept me out of the loop entirely except for asking me to assume responsibility for them for the next couple of days as he has a business engagement (it was supposed to be his parenting time...). Well, utter chaos ensued with lots of hurt feelings. One of my kids said that he was tired of being treated like property and decided to spend the night at a friend's house to get away from everybody.The other eventually came home and we were able to straighten everything out. Then he let me know that he was really upset because he has already caught his dad in quite a few lies and in addition to what had happened this evening he also suspected that his dad was en route to see his girlfriend - who according to the ex doesn't exist, and is a figment of my perverse imagination. the timing is really suspicious as well, as we have a hearing scheduled for the end of the week: he knows I've got his number and heaven only knows what that man is up to. My son asked me if I thought his dad was going to take off with his girlfriend and disappear.

There's a part of me that wants to track him down like the dog that he is, but another part of me wants to close my eyes and just pray that things work out for the best instead of stooping to his level.

What do I do? Any suggestions?

foundhervoice-atlast

Step back from it and remove yourself emotionally. Don't go there. If you remain calm and don't discuss this with the kids, other than to listen to them talk and support them with no input about the ex, they won't feel caught in the middle.

Should you ask your lawyer what to do? Would it helpp your case to have eveidence that he IS fooling around?

Whatever you do(Dianne makes a good point)you don't have to involve the kids.

Your strength and self-control amazes me.

Hmmmm....I see you're in Colorado so murder isn't an option. Is it against the law to break someone's kneecaps? Even if it's "an accident"? I just read a magazine article on "voluntary castration"; is it still "voluntary" when the man is out cold?

How about a private investigator to get the goods on the soon to be x and then take him to the cleaners? Why should his first family suffer because his gonads itch?

Leave the children out of it, don't force them to take sides. If they are old enough to ask the hard questions, they are old enough to see their dad acting like a number one jerk.

I already talked to the lawyer, and because we are in a no fault divorce state, proof of infidelity won't make a difference in terms of granting the divorce. But it might make a difference with regard to the division of property if we go to court because the soon-2-b-x is still refusing to give me more than 3 yrs of support after 20+ years of marriage, and is contesting my right to any of our savings/investments. We still do not have even temporary suppport orders and we have been separated for 9 months. But his affair will be just one more blight on his already "blemished" character and hopefully the judge will see right through him, in spite of his extraordinary skill at lying, and do the right thing for the sake of me and my children. At 53, after 17 years as a stay at home mom i need a jump start in order to get on with my life. I pray that the judge will see it this way, too.

I do have proof of the so-called non-existent affair and will use it if i have to...it's just that this whole thing is sooo not who I am. But maybe that's the problem. I have always shied away from confrontation but now I'm in for the fight of my life, and I'd better learn how to deal with it real fast...

As far as the kids are concerned, they are already involved because as you may recall from a previous posting, they intercepted the message left on our home machine from the husband of the woman their dad is involved with, notifying me of their affair. I do let the kids vent, and encourage them to keep the language clean and not be disrespectful of their father, and believe me - that would be a very hard thing for me to do except that I don't want these children turning their hatred inward because they share their dad's DNA. This has already come up, believe it or not ("what if i turn out to be just like dad, mom?"), and we had a very serious discussion about nature vs nurture, and the role of free will in their young lives.

Thank you Thistle Cove Farm for your questions about what is and isn't against the law here. I asked the very same questions when this whole thing first started, and still think it's a dog-gone shame that there isn't some state supported program to de-itchify these men's gonads...it makes about as much sense to me as having insurance subsidize prescriptions for viagra, but not cover women's birth control pills. Unbelievable!

foundhervoice-atlast (and trying to voice it louder!)

Foundhervoice - if I lived in Colorado I would think we were married to the same man! My 2BX also likes to purposely create confusion/problems for two reasons: 1. to get me upset and after 15 years of marriage he knows exactly what to do/say; 2. to make himself appear to be super-Dad-spouse-extraordinaire able to prove he is worthy by saving the day. Everything was fine in the first place until he put in his 2cents.

That's the main problem with our divorce (and marriage). He knows that I do not like confrontation and he could usually bully me into letting him have his way. I used to do almost anything to keep the peace.

Actually I'm so sweet natured I can't even watch the Animal Plant channel with my kids because the police show with the abused animals makes me cry! Unfortunately now I have to lay aside my kind and generous disposition and disassociate myself emotionally, financially and physically from the man who is the father of my children and whom I've loved and supported for over 15 years. Hence my name "New Attitude".

I can't save the world and I can't save a grown man that doesn't even realize he has problems. I just have to remember I am not the cause of nor responsible for his situation and I will not feel guilty.

I treat him as he acts-'a stranger in my house'; this is not the man who promised to love, honor and cherish. Since the judge does not have the benefit of knowing our 2BX's true nature, it is our civic duty to gather and provide ample documentation to the legal system so that an informed, fair and equitable decision is rendered.

Try not to take it personal but remember you're fighting for the wellbeing of your family. Be tough but fair.

Keep your head up girlfriend.

Get all the proof against these soon 2-b-x's because they will lie and make up tnings against you and your character. Them knowing your dislike for confrontation can be your ace in the hole when the time comes. You must be the mother bear here fighting the fight of your life for your cubs because no one else really gives a dam about you or them, don't kid yourself. I wish you both all the luck in the universe in defeating these x's.

I know you're trying to take the high road but sometimes, you've got to go to the trenches and roll in the mud.

Guess that's my problem - I can't stand having mud on me.

Mud's not all that bad, it's great for your complexion!!! It's just putting your toes in for the first time that's a little squeamish....

I put myself and my children in jeapordy when I divorced my husband. I wouldn't ask for anything because I didn't want HIM with any control left whatsoever. Plus I knew that it didn't matter what I asked for, I'd have the fight of my life to get it....But the judge required me to ask for $75.00 in child support each month. And that's what I got. For years and years and years. And had trouble with getting that. That was stupid of me, you never know what's around the corner, and 6 months after our divorce, Nichole had her brain tumor diagnosed.....Our lives were severely compromised from that day forward.... And would you believe that he and his mother thought they were doing ME a favor by sending the $75???

Am venting a bit now - also would you believe that I asked ex to take Nichole for ONE year so that I could finish grad school (in order to have the income to hire someone in to take care of Nichole who required at least a certified NA to care for her - I went thru countless sitters who didn't have the training) and he refused. I told him I was putting her on a plane and he better come to get her. And HE said, "Well, she'll sit there forever, because I'm not going to get her"...I would have called his bluff, but couldn't put Nichole thru that....so I had to withdraw from grad school to take care of her myself....I'm still suffering that today..

Self protection for you and your children are the issue here - never mind the mud.

Searcher

BTW I took care of Nichole for all but 5 of her 32 years, and those 5 were not by choice. The longest he ever had her was a week. And in that week, she had a siezure, fell down and broke her right arm, (which was the only arm and hand she could use), so his mother got on a plane with Nichole and brought her back !Too difficult for a whole family to take care of (at the time, there was his brother, his sister, mother and father), but not too difficult for a single mom with 2 children!!!

Sorry for the outburst, but I don't want anyone else to go thru anything like that. Just get tough. Downright mean if it's necessary!

Searcher, you must still be exhausted. Are you? I can't imagine your life change since lsoing Nichole. Are you taking care of you? It must be hard since your focus for so many years was her. May blessings fall all over you!

new attitude, I like you attitude adjustment. You're one smart cookie.

Dotsie,

I am truly exhausted. I truly am. I really kept up the "strong lady" front for so many years - no other choice actually; that outwardly, I became her. Sort of "fake it til you make it!" . And the constant confrontations with a school system who didn't "get it" along with doctors who were not specialists in her area and who thought they were -- took their toll. Nichole's tumor was (and still is)exceedingly rare and left so many complications that it was overwhelming for the medical people and school systems...They just had no reference point. Well, neither did I, but I grew with it, as the years went by. When I look back (and when I read the posts made by others with this same tumor on a craniopharyngioma site), I can't believe we did what we did....It only could have been by the Blessing of Harietta. And then to have Sam turn out so well -- it brings tears to my eyes.

I am having some angry moments these days - anger that necessarily needed to be suppressed in those years (no time for that!) but that I will have to deal with now. Along with the nearly insurmountable frustrations we faced daily. Not to mention losing her bit by bit for over 28 years.....and then to see her coming out of it at the last, only to have her leave us. You know, I've always said I could do absolutely anything for a period of time, but day after day for 28 years, is really too much to ask of her or us!!!

So, anyway, as you can guess, I could go on for 3 days and never get all this out...But I believe that after I deal with these issues, I will bounce (ok, maybe I won't be bouncing at 59) back. I feel weak as Boa Kitty right now, (now THERE'S a whiner! and never was there more of a scaredy cat)but he's getting better after almost 5 years now, and so will I. Deep down, I believe that Sam and I have become as strong as we pretended to be....

To maybe help anyone else with medically fragile children - I was never one to overprotect Nichole - she and I felt as tho quality was better than quantity - and I have never regretted this for one minute.. She lived her life as fully as possible under the constraints she had....(and may I say, more completely than her father or his family!).

It will take more time for me to become "focused" again - but I'm beginning to emerge - there have been "stirrings" of what I was like before this tragedy. And if I can get another 10 years of being "me" again, I'll be satisfied. (tho , I'm sure that in that 10th year, I'll be wishing I had more LOL).

Thanks for listening to my tyrades, gals, but there's more to come, I'm sure.

Searcher

I didn't intend to make this about me, but there you are!!!! So I apologize Foundhervoice and New Attitude !

So now that i've whined, just ignore me and continue on.......

Searcher

O and ONE more thing! It's not the divorce, I regret, but marriage to the wrong person in the first place. Had I to do it all over, I would make sure that the man I married was worthy of me...a loooong engagement. And I most certainly regret not making sure that we were taken care of financially. Don't sell your soul for this, but at least rent it out!

Wow, Searcher. I am so sorry for your loss, on so many levels. I have only a very small inkling of what you must have and still are - on some level - going through. My youngest was quite ill until recently, with a number of serious health issues and complications that started at birth. It took 13 years of raw determination and non-stop research for me to figure out why he was having these problems, with no help, interest or even emotional support from the soon-2-b-x. In fact, I blamed myself for his illness at one point because I had been so utterly miserable throughout my pregnancy that I was convinced that it was my unhappy feelings that had made my baby so sick. Not only was the ex not excited about having another child: he never attended even one ultrasound, and made it pretty clear to me that he could have done without baby #2 (and I had impregnated myself, I assume?). He also had little or no interest in baby #1 as soon as he figured out that his birth had caused him to at least temporarily lose his sex kitten to new motherhood. He outright regretted the birth of the second child once he found out that he was less than physically perfect and would be demanding even more of my time than the first child.

The short version of the story is that at almost 40 years of age I became (for all practical purposes) a single parent to two children under the age of 21 months, one who was chronically ill, eventually needed home nursing care and whom I had to resuscitate twice within a few short weeks of his birth; the other an adorable 21 month old toddler who became depressed because of the decrease in attention from his stressed out, sleep deprived and exhausted mother. And if you've never seen a clinically depressed toddler you have at least one new reason to count your blessings. It was a real heartbreaker. I think that it was at that point that I fell out of love with my husband. He had no compassion, no empathy, and absolutely no interest in spending any time with his children or me (unless it involved having sex). Why did I stay in the marriage? Well, for one thing I took my vows very seriously, and believed that with enough love and patience we could lick this thing and get past his insecurities and his selfishness. For another, he was always travelling on business and I had my hands full with my two children: under the circumstances, a critically ill child trumped marital misery every time. It was only 4 years ago that I came upon a clue as to what my son's illness was, and then I was able to find a specialist who knew how to deal with it. If you were to look at my strong, beautiful child now, you would never suspect how close I came to losing him only a few short years ago.

He, unfortunately, retains the painful memory of the horrible clashes he had with his dad during the course of the illness, since his father was in denial about his medical condition and chose to see him as weak of character and not physically ill at all. The fights that they had where his father would drag him out of bed in an attempt to force him to attend school even though the child could barely stand were at times more than I could bear. I physically intervened and always acted as a buffer for my son at great personal cost and it took its toll on me for sure, but I have no regrets whatsoever. I adore my children and am grateful for having been blessed with them. I forced our family to relocate to a climate that posed a lesser threat to my youngest's health a few years ago, and this allowed him the time he needed to heal and grow. He is left with a minor heart defect and a little residual asthma these days but is otherwise a healthy young man. He is even making up for the stagnation in his growth (which was due to the large quantities of medication he had been on for years) and he grew 5 inches and put on 15 pounds in the last year alone. You would never know - to look at him - what a sick little boy he had been.

It was only recently that a therapist talked to me about sociopathy/psychopathy, and showed me several books and articles on the subject (and they all had pictures of my husband right next to the title, imagine that! - just joking!), and it was then that I realized that my soon-2-b-x was not just a meanie...he was really mentally and emotionally deficient. It was this piece of information that gave me permission to forgive myself for what I had thought were my terrible inadequacies that must have driven him away from me. Now I realize that a healthy, loving spouse would have joined forces with me and participated in trying to help his child overcome illness - instead of turning against everyone and resenting his own child for being sick and complicating his life. When I see the disappoinment in my kids' eyes as they vent about their dad it makes me very sad that this is the father I provided for them, but then I tell myself that whatever good was ever in him was surely passed along to them, and I am grateful that they show no sign of his emotional dysfunction (which would have been evident by now, according to my therapist).

So, after going through all of this, I cannot roll over and die just because my husband does not feel any obligation to take financial care of me or the children until I can get my feet back on the ground. At the age of 53 I find myself back out on both the job and the singles market. While I am excited about establishing my new life as a wage earner (although I still don't know exactly what it is I will do), I am definitely not excited about nor looking for new male companionship. I guess I have lost confidence in my ability to judge character after what I've been through, and every man is now suspect to me, at least for the time being. I don't know how to make sure that a new man would be - as you put it, Searcher, worthy of me. So I figure I had best steer clear until I can figure it out and avoid making another mistake...

I apologize for the length of this post. I have a status meeting with the court tomorrow, and I guess I just needed to vent and get things clear in my own mind. Thank you all for your support and patience. Please send those good thoughts my way...

Foundhervoice-atlast

Again, its so good to know that what I'm feeling is normal and legitimate. I'm sorry for your loss Searcher but you made me think about something I hadn't considered. I was not concerned about child suppport because frankly why fight for something I know I'm not going to see anyway. Right now I know I can adequately provide for my kids but if something were to happen I need to be prepared; I've had my attorney amend the request for child support. Emotionally, I was the most worried about my teen daughter because she exhibits many of her father's traits and I didn't want her to realize that he has mental problems and wonder if its hereditary. Then I overheard (ok eavesdropped) on a conversation she was having with her friends. She's one smart cookie and knows alot more about what's going on then I've given her credit for. It seems that my genes will prevail.

Foundhervoice, I too was worried about being alone for the rest of my life because of course I too like male companionship. I'm trying to remember that relationships are varied and optional. (from boy-toys to friends-with-benefits to monogamy). Once I close this relationship I'll concentrate on me and then see what's out there. Part of the 2BX mind game is to make us believe that we aren't worthy to be loved and that we were fortunate they even bothered with us.

Word is already out that I'm about to be on the market and I'm already getting offers. At first I thought that my loser male radar was malfunctioning, afterall why would I have married the 2BX? But then I remember 20 years ago when we first met; we were engaged for over 2 years because I wanted to "be sure". I think that the problem was when you're in a new relationship you meet 'the representative'-the person who will do or say anything to close the deal. We were young, didn't start out with alot and we had some differences so we had discussed and planned on what we both would do and expect from each other. Our problem-I upheld my end but all of his was just talk. It's sad that after 15 years nothing he planned ever developed and he had the opportunity and potential. Somewhere along the line it developed into a competition and maybe he felt that he couldn't keep up with me. I thought we were working together for our family. Eventually he stopped trying altogether because he knew I would pick up the pieces. So even time and planning doesn't guarantee a successful relationship.

Well my court date is in a week so enough with my melancholy.

Thanks ladies for the support and posts!