Surprise, surprise, surprise...

Hello, friends. Wanted to give you an update on my situation...

I got a phone call a couple of days ago from a man who claimed to be the husband of a woman my soon-to-be-ex was having an ongoing affair with. In fact, according to him, he just found out that his wife and my husband have been in close contact for the last twenty years, and that things have been heating up for a couple of years now. This is a woman who my husband never mentioned, unlike the assortment of male and female platonic friends we both knew from before our marriage, and would update one another about whenever we heard from one of them.

Needless to say, this stranger's call caught me right in the solar plexus, like a punch in the gut. I felt like I was thrust smack in the middle of a Jerry Springer show in spite of always trying to take the higher moral ground, and teaching that to my children as well. To add insult to injury, my kids intercepted the original message he left for me on the home answering machine and now they know about the whole sordid affair. As adolescents they are having a very difficult time with this information.

At least now I finally have closure as it finally makes sense why their dad did not want to go to counseling and try to save our marriage. But boy, do I feel duped. At first I was so angry I thought I'd pop a vein, but now I just feel sorry for the jerk, because he has finally shown his true colors and lost whatever remaining respect he once had from his kids or me.

It's funny how sometimes it is hard to see the good in what is happening to you, especially when it is something as painful as divorce. But now that I know he has been cheating on me and lying for years, I am truly grateful to be getting out of this marriage.

Truth is stranger than fiction...

Foundhervoice-atlast

Truth always prevails. While it hurts, I'm glad to know you see the good mixed within the bad.

Does your husband know the beans have been spilled?

How often do your children see their dad?

Ouch. I can see how this would be a mixed blessing. I know you will get through this, foundhervoiceatlast, you sound wise and grounded. I would also be concerned for the kids. Just keep them talking and venting. ((HUGS))

Wow...that is really a tough one to swallow ...you are really handling this with great maturity...I admire you so much for that...today is the beginning of the rest of your life...I pray it gets better and better and better for you.....and I agree...I'd rather know the truth and deal with it than have doubts and questions and no clear answers...you deserve a better life..I think it's coming your way...Take good care and keep your chin up.

Thank you so much for your support and kind words, everyone.

To answer your question Dotsie, no, their father does not yet know that we know, and I am hoping to keep that under wraps for the time being. I am afraid that once he finds out he will strike back by digging his heals in during mediation and try to retalliate financially for his humiliation and fall from grace, which I am sure he will try to pin on me. The kids are in counseling and hopefully will feel open enough to vent with their therapist. I know that they want to talk to their close friends about this, as embarassing as it may be for them. They are trying to figure out if they want to continue to live with their dad at all - we have fifty-fifty parenting time right now. My oldest is so angry that he is refusing to talk to his dad. Simultaneously, he is afraid that if he disconnects from him, his dad will do something irrational, like try to commit suicide. I am more afraid that his dad is more likely to lose control temporarily and hurt the kids out of frustration from having been found out.

foundhervoice-atlast

Oh my goodness...I pray your last statement doesn't come to pass...does your ex have a history of violence? Can you take some legal steps to protect your children? I am sorry you are having so much stress right now...I'm saying some prayers for you and your kids...wish i could do more...Stay strong!!!

[ February 12, 2006, 07:41 PM: Message edited by: AvalonBlondi ]

Foundhervoice, don't worry because you're correct these jerks never hurt themselves they just hurt others....I still think you should pursue suing the b-witch involved, especially now, for alienation of affection (maybe her husband woulg halfs)...It would so serve her right and you would really have the last laugh....My friend is $50,000. richer by doing that and got an even bigger plus, her ex's girlfriend got so p--sed off she dumped him...

Chatty lady - can you do that in a no-fault divorce state? Besides, the girlfriend is in California, not even in the same state as we are...how does that work?

As far as the violent streak is concerned, he does not have a history of violence per se but one of the reasons I asked for a separation was that he started losing his temper and intimidating me with his size...it really did scare me and it was after a couple of incidents like those that I changed the locks to the house.

Who knows what can happen to someone whose lies are suddenly coming out in the open and is feeling threatened? I really don't want to find out.

In the meantime, my youngest has decided to tell his father that he wants to stay with me and not make the switch over for the week cuase he is so freaked out...

Foundhervoice-atlast

Stay safe and keep the kids safe as well. Check with your Attorney for State differences would be my advice.

It's a difficult time for you and your children but bless their hearts for saying what they feel and want.

I think allianation of affection...you have to prove that you were actively working on the marriage and she wouldn't go away. That's what I've read anyway. Truthfully, I don't know that much about it but the one wife who won proved it, that was the case.

No wife should ever fear her husband. I wish you peace my dear friend.

Well, ladies, there is never a dull moment around here, and believe me, my deathly pale,saggy,wrinkled,swollen purple-circles-under-the-eyes face is proof of that. The cat is finally out of the bag. The universe seems to be coming down around the soon-to-be-ex's shoulders. I almost feel sorry for him... Nah.

Get this: his lady-friend sent him a dear john letter this week (supervised by her angry husband)supposedly calling it quits after about 4 years of hot and heavy, then her husband sends him a threatening letter that says basically we are trying to work things out and you'd better stay away from my wife forever or else. So my husband puts together 2 + 2 and gets 5. He sends me a copy of her husbands letter to him and tells me that it is all my fault! Wow! Somehow he decided that I must have been the one who went berserk and hunted down the woman and her husband (- who I did not even know existed until he called me,) and that I must have made completely false accusations about the two of them which ticked off her husband and started this whole nasty and somewhat dangerous chain of events. He is angry because he says that her husband is a crazed ex-cop and that now I have put her and her son in danger. This is absolutely amazing. Not a word from him about taking responsibility for his own deceit, or acknowledging how gut-wrenching getting that surprise phone call from her husband must have been for me and our kids. No. He is concerned only for himself and his girlfriend, and clearly willing to place the blame on anyone but himself.

I emailed him back that it was in fact her husband who hunted ME down and left the fateful phone message that my children intercepted, which revealed that their father had been having a relationship with this woman for several years. I told him that this was not my drama,I want no part of it and to kindly leave me and our children out of it. I have been doing damage control all week to prevent the children from having a total breakdown,losing their tempers and eliminating their father from their lives forever.

The man is a complete sociopath, and I can't believe that I have been married to this jerk for 20 years. By the way, according to this woman's husband, that's exactly how long she and my husband have know each other. Lovely,eh?

We have a mediation scheduled for this week, and I am afraid that he will be completely freaked out and try everything in his power to make things as difficult as they can possibly be.

Please pray for me and my kids....

foundhervoice-atlast

I will pray. Unbelievable. What a loser.

Same here. Keep strong for your sanity and your children.
chick

Foundhervoice - I have no doubt that you will rise to the occasion. You, my dear...have done nothing wrong. I am praying the judge sees the situation for exactly what it is.

I am sorry you and your children have had to endure another chapter. Life seems so unfair for you right now. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

DO NOT show any emotion at the mediation, hard I know but he will be trying to get your goat, cause you as much anxiety as possible. If you speak softly, never interupt the aXXhole while hes yelling (and he will yell if you are very composed and smile sweetly.) Keep your cool and just let him know HE and HIS problem are just that, HIS, not yours and you have a life to get on with. The sooner you're free of this cheating nut case the better....I'll pray for your composure, just think of all your Boomer sisters there with you because we will be, in spirit...

[ February 19, 2006, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

foundhervoiceatlast, with what you have on your husband right now he should be pooping in his drawers. I don't think judges look too kindly on a cheating, jerk husband when the wife has been faithful through it all. I'd say you've got the upper hand here and should be smiling through the entire mediation process. I think your children will adjust and heal from this when he's out of the picture. They are reeling now at the thought of what he did to their beloved mother. He should know just how shameful and deceitful he looks in their eyes right now.

I wish all of us could be there with you, so if you should find yourself weakening pretend we are there and stand tall because you know you did nothing wrong. This whole process came to be solely because of his actions, not yours. At least you don't have to hang your head in shame like he should.

Foundhervoiceatlast:

You have done such an excellent job of chronolizing the event during this divorce proceeding -- I'm proud of you. Perhaps you could take your post from this site and paste into an Affidavit except for the emotions. Just the facts! Most divorce proceedings require an Affidavit and perhaps this may help.

My prayers are with you as I know how stressful these events are.

Thank you for your support. It means so much to me especially right now...unfortunately yesterday's mediation processs felt like an ambush to me, and I am still reeling from the shock.

The soon-to-be-ex came in swinging, metaphorically speaking, and basically started off by accusing me of poisoning his children against him by making up lies about him having an affair. He basically launched a smear campaign against me and demanded extra parenting time in lieu of my attrocious behavior toward him, so that he can mend the relationship I have damaged between him and his children. Suddenly I was the unreasonable one, and since I did not bring proof of his affair with me to mediation (who would have thunk of it?) I was suddenly the one in the hot seat. I am now convinced that he is a sociopath, otherwise how could he lie so glibly and effortlessly? He is one sick individual.

It was, as could be expected, a very convenient launching ground for him to offer me only 3 years of spousal support after 20 years of marriage, 17 of those as a devoted stay at home mom. He and his attorney decided that I could find perfectly good employment as a piano teacher since I used to play the piano, and that there is no need for further training or re-education at this stage of my life. It was infuriating, and after 6 hours of this I now understand that it was designed to break me and wear me down to the point that I would agree to just about anything to stop the pain.

As it turned out, I was feeling so railroaded - even by my own attorney who had started out so strong and by the end of the day was just as beaten down as I was - that after dickering back and forth and being pressured to make concession after concession in the interest of being done with the negotiations, I simply walked out. I told everyone that there was no way I was going to sign a darned thing, and that I was leaving for the day. Period. This morning, after a sleepless night of meditating and praying I decided that I had to be true to myself and follow my own instincts. I will no longer play according to the reality my ex and his attorney are dictating to me. It is time to fight back, and stand up for my children and for what I believe to be the right thing to do, regardless of what they, my attorney, or anyone else would try to make me believe. If I lose by going to court, so be it. At least I will have my self-respect intact. But I've gotta tell you, this is one horrendous process. If I were 15 years younger I would go back to law school and get heavily involved in the judicial system and give them all hell...

There is something very wrong with a system where the children are not encouraged to voice their own opinions about where they want to live and with whom, especially as teen agers. I was told that unless I hire a child advocate for about 10 grand, my children's voices will not be heard by the court. Can this possibly be correct?

Foundhervoice-atlast

Founder,
Don't let your attorney give in. They all act tough and say you have an winning case until they are employed then they all want to wimp out, cut a deal, settle, and cash their check. Half the time the two attorneys will get together to 'good ole boy' their way around us just cause we're helpless women.

Tell your attorney what I told mine not long back. I said I will NOT participate in legal blackmail. I will NOT settle for less what is mine, so do not ask me again. Either prepare for court or you will no longer represent me.

The other side dropped the case.

Prayer is always a good thing and you will be in mine. Don't let it get you down.

smile

I am praying strength into every fragment of your being. Get mad and stay mad. Your life and the life of your children are well worth the fight!

Foundher...I just witnessed a terrible divorce between friends recently...my girlfriend was getting beaten down horribly in the beginning of the process...and her attorney, although he has a great reputation, seemed a little too laid back during the actual meetings with her husband and his attorney...a little too much in agreement with the other side ...so she went out and found an equally reputable female attorney and boy did things start to happen in her favor after that...my girlfriend's remark after the first mediation with her new female attorney was.."I finally feel like someone has my back in all of this"...if you aren't feeling like your attorney is standing up for you...get a new one who will...and get one fast...you have way too much to lose in this process...You and your kids are in my prayers...

Sending you a very big hug. Hang in there and don't give up. You sound extremely strong to me.

Unfortunately, we are in the final stages of this thing, and I do not think anyone else will take this case - and I asked around. Two out of the three attorneys I recently interviewed told me that they had filed formal complaints against this particular judge to whom the case was assigned,and that she has a reputation for being harsh, unsympathetic to stay-at-home-moms, and plain old unfair. Each of these lawyers flat out refused to take any more cases that would be tried in her court.

As I am now on my third attorney (the 1st one was dismissive of my children's concerns so I canned him, the 2nd one was pregnant and as she got further into the pregnancy did not have an aggressive bone in her body and she decided to take a leave of absence). The one I am with now supposedly had a reputation for being a strong women's advocate and a bit of a bulldog, but at the end of the day, she too gets beaten down and seems way too eager to settle. I keep telling her that I am not fighting here for ownership of a jet plane and a summer home in Vail: I am fighting for my very survival. To put food on the table and keep a roof over my head. It seems that whenever I get angry and tell her that I am dissatisfied with what is happening on her end she buckles down and gets temporarily more aggressive - the key word here being temporarily. But what a huge toll this is taking on me, this needing to watch my own back all the time about things I do not even fully understand the scope of, and simultaneously having to keep at her to maintain some level of appropriate adversarial aggression. This, of course, all the while I am fighting back the tears and the hurt feelings that come from new barbs constantly being thrown at me by the ex and his deceits being uncovered as we go along. Let me tell you, it will take some time to spring back from just finding out that my husband has been involved with someone for the better part of 20 years. And for me to have to orchestrate my own legal attacks while I am going through this is almost more than I can bear.

But I will do it, because I have no choice. It is a matter of survival for me and my children, and I have no intention of rolling over and dying, no matter what anybody says.

Your prayers and good wishes are more precious to me than I could ever express. Please keep them coming, and thank you for your support at this most critical time in my life.

Foundhervoice-atlast

Foundhervoice, I can see the stress in your posts. Here's a technique that has helped me in the past and maybe it will help you. If at all possible, imagine your fear as fuel for what you have to do.
Fear can be a good thing. It produces adrenalin which prepares us for a fight. You are fighting for your children as mothers have fought for their children since the beginning of time. There is no being on earth as fierce as a mother.

God has placed you in this position for a reason and He will not abandon you. We will be praying for you and your children.

smile

Your user name on this site says it all. You found your voice at last and about to be ex doesn't like it at all. Don't fool yourself, he's scared too but is using the legal system to scare you. Don't blink an eye and keep pushing your atty. It will all be over before you know it. God's speed to you.

Foundhervoice-at last, I can read between the lines the helplessness you are feeling and agree with you as to the unfairness of the situation. Your husbands infidelity on top of the rest. It does at times seem like the sky is falling, like there are no answers, but there is a saying 'that God never gives us more than we can handle.' Once you know the outcome of your situation, then you can begin a new chapter in your life and be free at last from all the hurt and deceipt you were forced to endure by an unfaithful mate. It does get better as time goes by and you'll be able to rebuild your life. All I can do is pray for you and I shall continue to do just that...

[ February 26, 2006, 08:16 PM: Message edited by: chatty lady ]

foundhervoiceatlast, I'm chiming in again with prayers of strength and endurance. Keep that fighting spirit. It's almost over.

I keep remembering that line from the movies JAWS2: "just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water...", well, that's kind of what I feel like is happening to me in my real-life version of the movie. It would be nice to have a day or two to recover from the emotional assaults that seem to be coming at me on a daily basis, but it seems like whenever there is a momentary lull - and I mean momentary - just a matter of a few hours, I get pelted again by some new zinger without any recovery time in between zaps. It's really wearing me down.

Case in point: the soon-to-be-ex is in Europe working (he is finally working, and has complained to the children that their evil mother and her attorney have forced him to take a job after 4 1/2 years of loafing - poor him) and he called my boys yesterday to tell them that he purchased courtside seats for them at a local basketball game for this evening. Yes - he is not even in the country and is extending his long arm from overseas to manipulate the home situation. Mind you, he didn't email me or call me to run this by me first and make sure it would be okay - what if they had tests the next day, or homework due? After all I am only the children's mother and guardian and legally responsible for them, and the children are not even on his parenting time. Instead he is once again playing Disneyland dad and bribing them. He arranged for his brother Their uncle)to go with my kids to the game, without so much as running it by me first. He had their cousin call them to make transportation arrangements, and sidestepped me entirely. He has put the children once again in the awful position of being the messengers or go-betweens between their parents, something that I was always advised never to do to them. Yet, here they are, in exactly that position. What a coward he is, delegating to his sons so he won't have to confront me.

Well after I swallowed hard and blinked back my tears, I told my boys that if they want to go to the game with their uncle it would be all right with me. But that they should go if and only if they really want to see the game, and not because - as my eldest put it - dad obviously spent a few hundred dollars on these tickets and he would feel guilty letting them go to waste. Am I resentful? You bet I am. And on several levels. First of all, because he sidestepped me and went over my head, showing total disregard for both the law, the children's emotional well-being, and my authority as their guardian and their mother. Secondly, I cannot afford to take my children out for ice cream, and here is their dad - who is fighting spousal and child support, offering me 3 years of support after 20 years of marriage, is refusing to reimburse me for the joint household and parenting expenses incurred since he left me, but he is willing to spend hundreds of dollars on tickets to see a basketball game, without even being there to take them himself. Talk about a sphere of influence.

Then, to add insult to injury, later on that evening after I thought I had handled the sleazy situation admirably without bad-mouthing their dad, I find out that the soon-to-be-ex has also sweet-talked his way into convincing our son to scrap the plans we had made through our attorneys to each take our son to visit a few of the colleges he was interested in applying to in the fall, and that he has now rearranged things so that he will be taking our son to all of them himself. It appears that I have been dumped without even being consulted.I am especially hurt that my son went right along with it. He knows that his father has lied, cheated, carried on with another woman, and yet he still loves and wants to be with the man. Mind-boggling.

All of these goings on have now caused a rift between my boys, as the youngest is appalled by this ongoing manipulation, sees my tears and feels compelled to protect me from his father and his now insensitive older brother as well. He is my self-appointed protector, and while deep down inside my heart I am grateful for his loyalty, I really do not think that this is a good thing for him. No matter how hard I try to convince him that I am okay and capable of taking care of myself and handling the situation, he is not swayed. Since my oldest has once again been bamboozled by his dad and has understandably succumbed to his need for daddy's attention after a lifetime of being ignored, my youngest now feels responsible for being supportive of me.

I am tired of all of this cloak and dagger stuff, and am at the point where I am just about ready to hand over either or both of the kids to their father, if this is what they think they want at this point in their lives. If I have not succeeded in instilling in them the moral and ethical values we have lived by during their seventeen years of life on this planet, then I'm not sure how much more I can do at this late stage of the game. Maybe, like so many other mothers who have gone through this and shared their stories with me, maybe the kids just need to go live with him, and figure things out for themselves. In almost all of the stories I've heard, once the bloom was off the rose and the true non-disneylanddad lifesyle resumed in their fathers' households the kids eagerly ran back to their moms, having realized that they had been bribed emotionally and materially and wanted to go back to the security of living with a parent who actually placed limitations on their behavior and established rules for the house. Unfortunately that often happened after spending a couple of years in the other household: not days or even weeks. In the meantime, their poor moms walk around feeling like they has been eviscerated, and they assume the look of a deer caught in the headlights. You know, that hollow shocked look with dark circles around the eyes, like something out of night of the living dead.

I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Like Tevye says in Fiddler on the Roof: If I bend too far I will break. I already hear the branches creaking, my friends...I don't know the best way to deal with this anymore, and I'm afraid.


Foundhervoice-atlast

Foundhervoice, how I wish I could come and give you a big hug! I have no experience with your trials, but can feel the desperation to hang on in your writing. You are in my prayers.

I have had a different cross to bear and can tell you that when I am really low, I try to remember the miracles I have experienced. It helps me keep the bad stuff in perspective. Sometimes just a tiny glimmer of joy dispells the clouds just long enough for me to get a grip once again.

Foundhervoice-atlast:
I was just browsing the forums and caught this. Though, thankfully, I have no experience in this area, just being a fellow human, and all things being related, I can offer up my perspective. I would imagine that it is much easier for your ex to be a loving dad from afar. He doesn't want the kids, he wants their allegiance and alliance and it doesn't bother him to get the bonus which is spiting you. He is obviously trying to disprove all that you're complaining about, i.e. the support (see he says to the kids, I'm willing to spend the money). Kids being who they are, will generally split on these issues, one always being the one who can not be counted on to see things as they truly are, one bound to what he perceives as the weaker sex, in total disagreement with the other. Well, as I see it, it won't last long. Your ex will be exposed for who he really is, and you will be vindicated. However, you'll probably be bitter for a while. I'm sorry that you're being put through this. Our trials usually are more than we deserve. Keep your chin up. They say there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Foundhervoice, I think the best thing you can do is find an outlet for your rightful anger. You need to do something for yourself. I wish I was there to take you to lunch.

Come on ladies. Any of you been through this that can offer some advice? Please jump in.

Foundhervoice,

I have seen this happen to people I've known. I also wish I could give you a big hug and/or be a sounding board for you to express your anger.

I do have a suggestion, though. Is there a divorce recovery group at any church in your area? A group would give you an opportunity to be with people who are going through the same thing AND a few people (the leaders) that will help you see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Daisygirl