holidays?

I know I can't be the only one in here dealing with divorce situations during the holidays. It sure complicates things, but I guess we get used to it.

My in-laws are divorced and have been for about 40 years, but my mother-in-law still goes to my father-in-laws for Thanksgiving dinner. It's a good opportunity for her to see all of her grandkids together. It gets very interesting because my father-in-law very often has a date around.

Also, my brother-in-law is divorced and as a result we only get to see his girls briefly because they need to get home and have dinner with their mom.

It all works, but there are times I wish it was one big happy family! Know what I mean?

Oh, what am I saying...it is one big happy family...

Anyone else dealing with these issues during the holidays?

Oh boy can a divorce ever add spice to an otherwise peaceful holiday. Plays havoc with the Hallmark Christmas doesn't it.

I put it to use. Wrote a hilarious Christmas play about it.

Happy Thanksgiving all.

smile

I've been in some pretty awkward situations the last few Christmases due to a brother-in-law's very nasty divorce.

As the token Aussie in the forum, I'd like to ask:
is Thanksgiving a big deal? All I know about it is from movies and TV, we don't have it in Austalia. It seems to me it would be quite exhausting to have two big family events at the end of the year.

Julie, yes it is a big day. Families and friends gather for the biggest feast of the year. My husband refers to it as the biggest eating day of the year...and it is.

Please ask us some questions and we'll answer then for you...

today, the day after Thanksgiving, is referred to as Black Friday because it is the biggest shopping day of the year. Christmas shopping has officially begun. Lots of people are either off, or take off to shop...if you can imagine that.

I have two nephews (husband's side) who are divorced and seeing their kids is right up there with winning the lottery. Especially since they live in Massachusettes. We try to go up a couple times a year and force the divoirced parties to relinquish the kids to the fathers for our stay. The sad part is that I had become very fond of and enjoyed my visits with their spouses who are no longer in the picture. So that side is a mess.

On my side, my sister was divorced about four to five years ago. Our aunt gave us all a cruise out of Baltimore for 4 days and he was included but separated by February of that year and the cruise was in may. he went on the cruise! It was not a big ship and it got even smaller trying to politely deal with all the underlying tensions. I told my sister she was nuts!!!

I've decided that I didn't marry my in laws, I married my husband. After many years of dealing with the holiday nightmare and the inlaw family's bizarre behavior around the holidays, the only good part of being separated is not having to split the holidays, or go to the inlaws where I never wanted to be in the first place. My kids hated the constant bickering and tension around the holiday dinner table and so did I. So now, I can simply not go, not deal with it and my kids are old enough to have a say about where they want to be. If my husband and I reconcile, I'm going to find out if I can still legally divorce his family! Ha!

that's a novel idea fallsforward! I know a lot of couples who just might save themselves alot of grief is they would "divorce" their respective in-laws and do their own thing come seasonal festivities.

yeah I can see the divorce the family thing going off real well in my household. The problem is both me and my husband feel so much guilt when it comes to our families, we don't do enough, we don't see them enough, etc. that it becomes very touchy because we both have this great sense of obligation and responsibility to our parents. If only one of us didn't care about what our parents thought, then we'd be okay (just kidding). It's just something I think most people just suck up and deal.

I bet you do more than enough. I recall feeling this when I was first married too. We lived out of state and felt we had to spend our time off at home with our families, especially every day suring the holidays.

Now I reflect and find it was undue pressure we placed on ourselves.

Hopefully all of your parents are older and wiser and recall being newlyweds. Your priority is now to each other FIRST! You are to leave your parents and CLING to one another.

Finding the balance is tough. Life is a balancing act.

I know you're a thoughtful person and are trying to cover all relationships, but please know we boomers have been there and done that and understand that newlyweds need time to be alone too! Just my two cents....

Love having another generation in here. It helps us see another generation's perspective too.

In my humble opinion, holidays and divorce go together like bare feet and broken glass.

It's not bad enough that Raul has made it clear, with the holidays coming up, that he definitely wants a divorce, but now he's telling me that he wants a divorce immediately upon getting our tax return money in Jan/Feb. His new love has told him she wants to wait an entire year before getting married, having a kid, etc., but he wants to divorce me NOW. Can't seem to deal with the whole concept that I still have his last name, still tell people I'm his wife / he's my husband, that his mom is my mother-in-law.... not that he loves his mom or anything... he just can't deal with being in love with someone else, and being married to me.

Even the monetary savings he would have from being married through 2004 do not sway him. The fact that as a single man, he eill be charged probably 3 times the car insurance rate that a married man would be (she's getting an enormous amount of money back, she hopes, and among other things, she's going to buy a car for the two of them)... and the tax rate he's going to incur on his pay check will also be astronomical as a single man... oh, he doesn't care, he just wants a clean break.

A clean break... but he's OK with me living with them and being supported by them. Tell me that's a clean break. He swears up and down he doesn't hate me, he just needs to move on.

I'm confused. Well, I'm more than confused, I'm devastated. I've spent a night and a day or two crying about it. He swears up and down that even if we are divorced, he's not going to just kick me outonto the street, that he couldn't stand the thought of me being homeless.... but if he's not married to me, he has no legal *obligation* to do anything for me. It's all very frightening, hurtful and confusing. Suicide has been on my mind almost continuously... ironically, he has dreams of *me* hurting *him* or Amy.

I'm no Medea. But I just don't know how much more of this I can take. Hopefully, I will be able to get to some psychiatric care on Monday, and at least make myself better able to cope with it all by controlling my own innate problems at last.

Wish me luck, please.

Lil

Lil, so sorry to hear about what you're going through. Please don't do anything drastic. If your thoughts continue in a downward spiral PLEASE call a local church or hotline. There are people who are trained to help you THROUGH this difficult time. And tomorrow, even if you feel better, please get the care you talked about.

I wish there was something more I could do to help. Please know you are loved and your life is more than the situation you are currently in. There's always more to life than our current dilemnas.

Remember that no one is useless in this world. God has a plan for all of us. We need to listen to Him and eek out anything He is telling us. Remember your sister and niece and all the women in this neighborhood are pulling for you.

Here is my prayer for you:

Oh Lord, please be with Lil and sustain her until she can get the help she needs. Awaken her to the fact that her life matters to others beyond Raul. Give her a peace today that allows her to see You at work in her life. Awaken her to Your ways for her life at this point in time in her life. Help her to feel Your love and the love of others. Give her strength.

Sending warm thoughts your way.

Lil,

I am rather new here and I know you only by your posts, but it saddened me to read the pain in your words.

Maybe Raul and Amy are doing you a favor. Maybe over time you have accepted less and less and like a sheep, walked in the same way for so long that your path has become a rut.

With only unshed tears to hold back a flood of unseen pain the struggle to remain in the rut we have made can make us too weak to get out on our own.

But when the storm clouds come, as they always do, and the gullies of our lives overflow with pain and we are drowning in tears, God, the Great Shepherd, reaches down and pulls us from the flood. He draws us closer to him and places us on higher ground.

I choose to believe that is what is happening in your life. I'm convinced that God has something better for you.

You are more than a tax deduction and you deserve more than a roof over your head. You deserve to be more than an outsider in your own home. You should be someone's one and only, someone whose body, heart and all of their love is yours alone.

I choose to believe that all of this is the beginning of a miracle of love in your life.

smile

[ December 28, 2003, 12:18 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

It's true that I have lived on very, very little for a very, very long time. I've taken my cues from the spider, who can hang on and stick to her web in very harsh conditions, going for months without a single morsel in her web. I've taken my cues from the ascetics, who say that it's a blessing to be satisfied with very little.

Every time life took something away from me, I counted it a victory when I learned to live without it. Hell, I even pared my life down to really only wanting 2 things: to be an author, and to find my heart's home, my real love.

Well, I'm an author, but so far, I'm not earning a living from my writing. I may as well not have written anything at all. And the one I thought, believed, trusted, with all my heart and mind and body, replaced me in a heartbeat. Like he was longing to be free of me for a very long time, all the while professing his undying love and devotion.

Am I ever going to trust another human being that way again? I doubt it. Do I want another human being to be physically intimate with me? I can't conceive of it. I miss what I thought I had, but at least in the past few months, it wasn't real.

The thought disgusts me beyond belief. It horrifies me that I could be so deceived -- & self-deceived as well.

A favor... maybe they ARE doing me a favor. Maybe in a couple of years, I'll be able to think that way. But why me? Of all the people in the world who are living out illusions, why did MY life have to be shattered?

Today, I forced myself to start organizing and filling sections in my new daytimer. Forcing myself to think about next week, and next month, and the rest of next year. Unless I can find some way to support myself, I don't see or feel much of a future for me.

God's around here somewhere. I don't know what she/he has in mind. Nothing makes any sense to me anymore.... but I doubt if I could ever attempt suicide, because I just don't believe in it, and aside from being absolutely terrified of the sensation of not being able to breathe -- which ultimately, every method of suicide brings on at the very end -- I normally don't do stuff that I'm convinced is that wrong.

But I still think about it all the time. The pain is just that bad. I surround myself with the good things that have happened recently -- pictures of my trip with my sister, my new straw hat, the copies of my cookbook that i just bought for promotional stuff.... I try to accomplish at least one positive thing every day.... buty it all feelslike a bunch of bandaids over a wound that needs major surgery.

And Raul.... is apparently happier than he's ever been in his life. I feel like I'm starving to death while watching other people eating like crazy. (This happened, by the way, when I was a kid. My parents practically abandoned me, and I went hungry, cold, and tattered a whole lot. This situation brings that back into my face -- like, why do other people get to have these wonderful things, while I'm living on nothing? Understandably, I've been bingeing an awful lot lately.)

So I'm a real wreck. But I'm going to throw myself into my next project, which is another cookbook, something parents will want to buy for their kids leaving home for college, but which their kids probably will not even read. At this point, I don't care anymnore if people even read the damned books, as long as they BUY them.

Well, I was wrong about the date I told for my mental health appointment at the county hospital. They told me Dec. 30, which is NOT tomorrow, but Tuesday. I'm not even sure they told me the truth, because they have not sent me a reminder. Time to get on the phone and find out the truth.

Tomorrow is the anniverssary of my mother's birthday, too. The last couple of years it hasn't bothered me very much... this year it just might throw me for a loop, as she would say.

A freind sent me some pretty interesting affirmations last week. I've been trying to be faithful to usee them in prayer. I'll post them later if I have the energy.

Thanks for listening.... it's going to be a long road ahead ofme. Your caring gives me strength!
Love,
Lil

Lil, I want so badly to jump in and see what I can do to fix what's going on in your life right now.

Thank you for coming in and sharing the yucky stuff. I'm glad you don't perceive this online neighborhood as a place where only the fluff of life is discussed. If you need to dump, we are here and will always keep you in our prayers.

I'm grateful to hear you talking about the future, making plans, and getting help.

Yes, God is around there somewhere, always is. Just know He's there for you to lean on, and if you're mad at Him, it's okay because He loves you anyway and is pulling for you to listen and follow Him.

Sometimes in this life we get mad at Him and can't quite find words for prayer. Rmemeber, it is those times that your friends carry you in prayer to Him... and all for you!

Onward Lil!

Lil, you may already know this -- but there are workshops within the Goddess community on topics such as channeling your inner Goddess, finding (and working from) your center of positive strength, etc., which I think are more towards your religious leanings and would be of great value to you. The workshops are usually given free to people with no money.

Lil,

You are obviously a survivor. Even as a helpless child you survived and you can certainly survive this. I can already see a little less pain in your words. You seem to be fighting it less, just feeling it. Sigmund Freud said that the pain of emotions does not come from the emotion itself, but from our ego's fight against our feelings.

If you just allow yourself to experience the pain it will lessen. Binge, cry, write, pray, post, whatever it takes to get through this because you have to get 'past' it before you can get 'over' it and the only way to get 'beyond' it is to go 'through' it.

Pain is not always a bad thing you know. It warns us that something is wrong and it shows that your body or mind is fighting to survive. It often indicates the beginning of healing.

Marriage to the wrong partner is like a cancer. Sometimes even when you don't know it's there, it can be eating away at your life. If left untreated it will spread to other organs and consume your entire being. It has to be excised and the surgery is terribly painful. Your body will mourn the loss of even the diseased tissue, but removing the unhealthy part is the only thing that will save your life. Even when you didn’t yet know it, the situation you were in was probably taking your life and destroying your spirit.

Now you can excise the diseased part and recover. You will be left with a scar, but it is scar tissue that causes muscles to develop and become strong. When healed, scars are stronger than unbroken tissue.

After you recover from this painful experience you will be able to live a healthier and happier life free of the disease that has drained your energy for so long.

I don't know your beliefs and my posts are not intended to convert you or change you. I will pray for you merely to comfort and help you. Praying for you is all I know to do and I know it is the best thing I can do. I pray to my God because I know Him best and He has helped me so I know He will help you.

I pray for strength and comfort. And I pray that this time, you will not only survive, you will THRIVE.

smile

[ December 29, 2003, 09:27 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

Lil, someone once told me that God only gives you what you can handle. My life hasn't always been all roses either. I believe we have to sometimes hit bottom before we can pick ourselves up and climb the ladder to a happier time. I know this has happened to me and I believe it will to you. You need to take one day at a time, do something good for yourself each day and try to find something to smile and laugh about. I guarentee that the glass is definitely half full not half empty, you just need to look to find it. Nothing that is good comes easily. So, my advice is to start a journal of your thoughts and feelings, get through one day at a time and be positive. If nothing else you are healthy and that is a good place to start. It sounds like you have a way to make a living, writing and if you need money you can always get a part=time job til your writning pays the bills. It sounds to me like you need to get away from these two, so you aren't reminded of the hurt they have caused you wherever you turn. I hope this will help some and I am keeping you in my prayers.

Lil, I say go to your appointment early today. Put on your hat, make a lunch or dinner and take it with you. Find a nice bench, hang out and take a break from what's going on at home. Just smile at the people as they go by and they will smile back.

I think it will lift your spirits. You need to be around happy people a bit and this could be a little break in the action for you. WHy not make the most of your trip?

You're in my thoughts and prayers.