separation vs. divorce

It seems there are more couples separating but not divorcing due to finances and benefits. Have you found this to be true.

I guess the big switch may come when someone finds their soul mate and wants to get married?

My SIL was separated from her hub for 13 years before filing for divorce. She felt it kept her safe from remarrying again but she found out she could be held responsible for some or all of his IRS debt, along with other debts and that's what made her finally break free.

I can understand it for the benefits though. That's a major thing.

I may be wrong, but it's possible that the financial benefits (health insurance, pension, etc.) can be continued after a divorce, if it is so stated in the divorce decree. Maybe it depends on the state.

I don't understand the benefit thing. I thought if you lived at a different address it is against the law to share your benefits. Even our children are dropped as soon as they reach 21, 23, 25 or whatever your policy states. And, if they are in college, you even have to show a transcript stating they are full time students with 12 credits or more. I guess each state and individual insurance companies are different.

If you are divorced you can still be on your husband's health insurance. It also works the other way around. I kept my ex on my health insurance for a number of years after the divorce. But, that is usually decided at the time of the divorce and either in there or not. Same with the pension. Sometimes a husband will let the wife have the house if she agrees not to go for his pension. Sometimes the wife will go for it and sometimes not. Often depends on the lawyer too. Sometimes the wife gets the house or half of it and everything else and part of his pension. Children are different. You can't keep them on your health insurance after a certain age unless they are in college.

Louisa

I think the laws differ from state to state.

I've heard about the whole issues of young adults. I guess we have that ahead of us.

Most of the time the benefit thing is left up to the couple in an amicable divorce or separation with all parties in agreement. I am divorced now since 2001 and am beneficiary on all his Life Insurance policys. It is the way he wanted it. I promised to bury him. If we lived together after the divorce I could have been on his health insurance too but had my own. I'm not sure there is any written laws from state to state...I've never heard of any.

Doesn't the insurance company or the one who is the main insurance holder, play a part in this? If the company was self-insured like Coke, they could make that decision, right? What if the ins. company says once divorced, no deal? Unless, maybe, the main insured agreed to continue to have the cost deducted from his or her paycheck. I was never on good enough terms with the about to be ex to get that nice gift.

You don't have to be on good terms with your about to be ex. Your lawyer would fight for him to pay your health insurance for you. If the judge goes for it, you got it and it is up to your ex to provide it. Assuming he already has health benefits and the wife is on it, he still has to pay for hers and keep her on it. The company cannot make the decision. They have nothing to do with your divorce. I was working at a hospital. My ex was on my health insurance plan. When we got the divorce, we made an agreement between us that I would keep him on. (He gave me the extra money to pay for it in our case) we had our own agreement. The judge actually questioned it and we had to re-write it so that it gave a time-frame or something. But, the hospital had no say in it. The insurance company can't do that either. If they could, all divorced women would be without health care insurance. Things are bad enough. And yes, he would have to continue to have it deducted from his paycheck.

As for life insurance - you can make whoever you want the beneficiary. If you spouse has a life insurance policy and you are the beneficiary, he can change that after the divorce if he wants. My ex had asked me to do it once, but I told him to do it himself. Which, by the way, he had to. We had a family policy, but he was the main insured. I was on as the spouse. The kids had been on it up to a specific age, which had passed.

He never changed it. He left me the beneficiary. I got my own insurance anyway, but remained on that policy. He could change the beneficiary but he couldn't take me off the policy without re-writing the whole thing. He died 5 years ago. when he got sick, he told me he left me on and asked me to take care of things, which I did.
Louisa

Your ex was much nicer than mine but then, mine was so bad, I wrote a book about him!

I've written a short story or two about mine, but not a book.
Louisa

I was legally separated from my husband of 41 years on June 27th.
I did the legal separtion so I could still receive the ex's insurance even tho' I'm paying for my half.
He works for the State and you have to make special arrangements if you divorce which are a pain the arse!
I receive half of his retirement, the insurance payment is taken out of that.
Works for me!!!
Lynne
PS I worked with insurance companies for many years telling them to pay the bills for their consumers, and if they had their way, they'd want a law that would immediately delete the ex wife (or husband) from any coverage with the insurance company.

Lynne, sounds like a pretty good deal. How are you coping these days and adjusting to living alone? Mind sharing?

Thanks for asking Dotsie.
I'm doing better than I thought I would.
I get a lonely feeling that is hard to explain.
My ex was never home and I never felt lonely.
But I think this has to do with the fact I know I'm the one who has to make sure everything is in line for my future, and that's tough.

My house sold, and we will be closing August 4th.

I'm renting a new condo and I love it.
Renting because I need to know what it's like to be out in the big bad world because I married at 18.

According to my Financial Advisor I'm going to be just fine.

I'm kinda floating not knowing what my goal is right now.
I've always been a person who's had a goal, and has always met it.
That's when the lonely feelings start.

I do plan on meeting a dear friend(my bridesmaid)in my hometown of Eureka, California for my 60th birthday.
I will fly down, and she will drive up from Sacramento, California.
We plan on looking up old classmates, doing some sight seeing,(I haven't been there in years)and then driving down to her place in Sacramento.
I will spend a few days with her.

I will be doing this in October, so it won't be so HOT!!

Don't ever believe that it rains in the Pacific Northwest all the time!!
We're breaking records every day, and I'm not enjoying it.
If I do decide to buy a home, I will have A/C installed.

I know there are a lot of NW people out there that think that is silly, but after the nite I had last nite, I will get A/C!!!

Everyday is a new day for me, and like my saying says, those big girl panties elastic is getting mighty loose.
I'm pulling on them a lot lately!!!

Lynne

Sweetie it gets easier and easier and this is one time when time does actually heal. Glad to hear you aren't sitting around feeling sorry for yourself and you're making plans. Heres hoping you have a ball. There will be good days and bad days and thats to be expected.

I've never lived anywhere that you didn't need A/C. Amazing.

It sounds to me like you have planned very carefully and will be fine. Just know many of us know how you feel.

Lynne, you're probably thinking...she asks and then she disappears. This is one of those posts that I made a long reply to, then it got lost when the forums were down.

What your financila planner shared with you should give you a little peace. I know it isn't all about the money, but knowing you are in good shape financially lifts a burden.

We are facing the empty nest. I know, nothing like getting divorced, but it is a transition. we have been told by others who have lived successfully through it to make plans to dosomething out of the ordinary each month. That way you always have soemthing to look forward to.

Lynne, I think this would be good advice for you too. Glad to see you are heading to California to visit a girlfriend. Sounds like a perfect plan!

Someone equated separation versus divorce the other night in Church with a "s--t or get off the pot senario." I had to laugh!

In my state you must be separated for one (1) year b/4 filing for divorce. Separation and divorce are two separate actions and most divorces are not very amicable due to child custody and financial issues. Thus, a divorce could drag on for years.

If one (or both) divorcing spouse is a government employee (State, Federal, County, Military, etc.) benefits may be carried on after the divorce (however w/ military must meet the 10/20 rule and they expire should the recieving spouse remarries, if at all). This is usually incorporated with the Final Decree of Divorce as a Qualified Domestic Relations Order (QDRO), which also must be reviewed and approved by the administrator (government agency) b/4 presented to the Family Court.