Sex & Blame questions

Ladies, I've been visiting other sites regarding divorce discussion, do you think it "takes two" people to mess up a marriage? Can one spouse be the cause? I need to know if I'm totally wrong in my mind set about this. Also, is it ok to refuse sex with your partner if you are ill, or just not into sex with them because of relationship problems? On a woman's site I asked this question and I was told it is selfish to deny him sex, if I didn't want intercourse, then I could satisfy him in other ways. Even if I was sick, its selfish to deny your partner. I thought this is totally wrong. If you aren't "in the mood" you shouldn't have to "do it" just for his sake. If I'm sick that is enough reason in it self. If there are issues like, arguing or not communicating, or cheating ,or what ever reason, any kind of breakdown, sex isn't a fix all. Do you think I'm wrong? Should a woman have sex just to please a man? Do you think one person can be responsible for a failure of a marriage? Like gambling, cheating, and being totally self centered? When do you take responsibility for something you can't control in another person? NO one makes somebody cheat. It is a choice, either you cheat or you don't. If you aren't happy with the spouse you get therapy or a divorce. Nobody makes a person cheat. If you are a gambler, you get help with your problem, as a spouse, you get marriage therapy. The appointment is scheduled if he shows up is totally up to him. How can this be the fault of two people, when it is one person's behavior? In therapy I was told he was going through mid-life crisis, at 50, he never went to any of the sessions. I was told it isn't my fault, he is having issues he needs to address & won't face.The behavior was started by a job change and meeting new co-workers, who went to casinos and cheated on their wives. He developed this behavior over a year, we were doing fine for 20 years and the last 5 went to hell over this new job and these new "friends". He never gambled at all for 20 years, never stepped one foot inside a casino until he met these people. I tried everything I could, talking, therapy, I didn't trust him, I didn't want to get a STD, I knew he cheated, the girl called my house looking for him and told me they were sleeping together, she described a birthmark, on him so I know she telling the truth. He wasn't wearing a condom, because she had her tubes tied. So I stopped having sex with him, he chose to keep doing these things so I divorced after 5 years trying to save my marriage. I don't see how this is my fault. Does it take 2 people to mess up a marriage? I'm confused here. I guess it doesn't really matter now he is gone, I haven't had contact with him in months, the divorce has been finial one year now. He has moved on, I'm still reeling from 25yrs thrown away. what do you all think?

Clarity, I think the blaming game doesn’t help anyone. It all comes down to; - being happy or not. You were unhappy in your marriage; you changed the situation. Now it is up to you and you alone to be happy as a single person. And it is up to you to watch out that you don’t find another man like the last one. Learn from the mistakes, and move on.

Dear Clarity:

I am sorry you have gone through so much lately.

It takes two persons working together to save a marriage. Marriage is a commitment, a decision we make each and every day. With our behavior we construct or destroy our marriage. From your post I see that your ex made choices that led him down the wrong path. And if he was not interested in getting help to restore the relationship, there was little that could be done, if anything.

It is nearly impossible to save a marriage when only one person is interested in saving it.

Remember you are precious and a woman of worth. There are decisions each of us need to make to keep us safe from the dangers we face. Infidelity is far more dangerous these days than ever before. If you did the best to safe your marriage, please do not let others make you feel guilty.

Live each day thankful for it and go after your dreams. You still have much to offer.

God bless you abundantly!

Songbird, I so agree it takes two people to save the marriage. He didn't want to try, I tried for 4-1/2 years to fix everything I thought was wrong. Then I just stopped and shut down and did nothing, moved into the spare room and lived like roommates. Then I made a plan and filed for divorce. I'm so much happier now, no more mind games, or him being drunk, I'm so lucky to have what I've got. I'm going to be just fine, and I'm alot stronger than I ever thought. I will never marry again. I'm not even interested in men, I got a cat!! I hope to start work in the next few months & then everything will fall into place. I just can't believe what some women think you should do to keep a man! Guilt can be a awful thing. I'm so happy now. I'm free really free for the first time in years. Thank you for your support. Bless your heart.

Most definitely it takes two to make a marriage work. Mine finally fell apart because of addictions and his not being willing to get help. It wasn't until I started going to Al-Anon that I was able to separate myself from his behavior and make changes for me; not for the marriage, which at that point was dead anyway. He was also unfaithful all throughout the marriage of 25 years or so. And, like you, I had no interest in men or in marrying again. But life has a funny way of changing one's mind, so never say never! I have spent the last 15 years with a wonderful man, and I wasn't looking when we met.

Thank you. More validation that women don't have to self sacrifice to save the marriage. Not all women think like this, some say you do whatever it takes to make HIM happy. I was clean amazed!! This is the 21st century, I was so beat down by him and the addictions & mind games I just couldn't see two feet in front of me. Now looking back I'm so ashamed of myself, and mad at myself for not being able to stand up for myself. He cheated also, I don't know how many times. I'm so much better off now. I'm not scared of what will happen when I walk through the door. I look at each day with great expectation, and hope. Money is my only problem now, this to will pass soon, I should be working by the fall. I'm scared of men, I'm not sure of my judgment, I don't want to get someone like him or worse, I'm happier and safer alone, I'm having a hard time trusting now. Vibrant nation is a site for boomer women, the post "I don't want sex" got nearly 70 hits, some women's opinion was totally for the man. I just couldn't understand their reasoning. In my mind sex is wanted by BOTH partners. You don't do it just to please someone else, it is suppose to mean something, an expression of love & intimacy, not meaningless gratification. Just my thinking, but it doesn't matter now, I'm a nun, not looking for nun, don't want nun, don't care about nun!!! Thank you for your time.

Clarity any woman who would give the advice you mentioned in your opening post about giving your partner sex isz a moron!
Sex is a two way street, both need to want it and enjoy it. It is NOT a duty of the wife or the husband if both are not in the mood. The woman or MAN writing that advice is a fool, stupid, brain dead, a wimp if a woman and bully if a man.
Sex is suppose to be about LOVE not duty!!!!
And one of the many perks of being single...Choice.

I totally agree, I just couldn't believe what I was reading. I so enjoy being single. My freedom is priceless. That vibrant nation site has some good conversations, but that one just did it for me, thank you for your post. It's a sad thing to think there are still women out there who would put themselves through stuff like that for a man.

Unfortunately, some women have been 'brainwashed' into thinking if they don't have sex with their husbands, he will go somewhere else. It's the same mindset that blames women for being raped or abused because of the way they dress, or they must have done something to cause the partner to beat them.

sorry

We all have a right to boundaries.....we need physical and emotional boundaries and no one has a right to violate them. Life is all about choices (as you said); if someone CHOOSES to cheat; it is their responsibility.

I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse, so Understand when you say you are "reeling:

Be kind to yourself. I don't know where people come up with these thoughts, that you should have sex or anything else you don't feel like doing.

Hugs, Alice

No one else can make you happy; it has to come from within. And IMO, a person has to be content and totally in love, before
sex can be enjoyed and add anything to a relationship. If you're
sick, then he's the one being selfish. Nobody should come on to
a person who's not feeling well! IMO!

clarity, it amazes me how someone can change so drastically just by hanging out with a new group of people. I'm sorry for your heartache, but grateful you've chosen to begin again. I'm sure it isn't easy, but appreciate your spirit with regards to being single at midlife.