Help! Should I take the step?

Mountain Ash, I had to get up and walk around after reading your post..and my first thought was,Bless you, woman! There has been this little tiny voice today whispering to me: wait awhile..wait until the summer comes. Because this time of year is tough..the toughest for me, as you know. And yesterday I met some angels on this forum...

Your idea of seriously looking for a bigger place and therefore giving us both a goal to work for..is, well, worth considering. We live in a lovely area that we both love. Our veranda has sun from morning until..well, until the sun sets..which is quite late here in Sweden during the summer..maybe like 11 or 12pm. And then comes the lovely dusk that continues until the sun swirls upwards again...and because we are in a place filled with villas and gardens..the perfume of the evening is undescribable. It is also a safe place for R.s 12yr old son to play because the housing area is closed off to cars. So, with the cell phone age, R.s son can play outdoors as long and as freely as he wants. Yes, many pluses for this area. An apartment, by the way, that my daughter sold to me when she broke up with the father of her first 2 children...because she knew that I would love it..a big sunbathed veranda..her mom, me, being a sun worshipper. That´s not too dangerous here because we get so little sun..even in the summer it can be scarce. ANYWAY..it may be time to move on. Thank you, Mountain Ash..unless some larger apartment opens up here in the spring.

R. himself is not to eager to make a new start as he has a job that he really enjoys. He also works with children..with very priviledged kids..but above all,he has quite a few male colleagues which is unusual in our branch of work. However, a move within the larger Stockholm area is ok for him..eventho he loves our current area as much as I do. Hmmm..have to have a think here again.

Thank you! And thank you for taking me seriously.

Yes, Mountain Ash..our backgrounds are very different. R. has a natural security and positive outlook and patience..that I don´t have. He is satisfied by very little. He once cautioned me that I might be "bored" by him..I remember that now. And maybe I would have been even more"bored" at a younger age..but today, I am not as energetic or strong..and I do like my peace and quiet. I think what I miss is the "sharing" because I feel that we are living parallel lives. But maybe the question is..what do I want to contribute to our life myself??? Hmmm..but that´s not totally true either. I want to take walks sometimes..which he doesn´t always enjoy..but sometimes he does, too. I want to watch a film with him..perhaps a "chick flick" or a new Anthony Hopkins film..but he chooses to play his computer game. And so it goes round and round in my poor head...

Sounds like the computer game has become an addiction, so you're not just wrestling with changes in the relationship, you're wrestling with a third party in the relationship - addictions do become third parties - and can be deal-breakers. He may have to be the one that makes a choice between his wife and his mistress (the computer game)...and if he can't make that choice, that will be an important factor in your decision.

Eagleheart, yes..life is a tapestry..yes yes! And it´s time to take the decision I made to be with this man seriously and stop ridiculing myself to myself. Why should I do that? We have been thru quite alot..he and I. Both good and bad. And coming from this basis..where I stop questioning what I was thinking when we hooked up..will allow me to think forward. Where do I want to be and who do I want to be? Perhaps I should ask him the same questions about himself? And see how we tally..yes..I think so.

Eagleheart..computer game addiction..you have probably heard that term. It´s real. And the problem, for me, is above all, that it sucks in all his thoughts and plans...which most addiction does. Before he would say, "I have to think about what you said and get back to you"..not anymore. We have discussed just this many times. We have made new plans to do other things and curb computer time..but it doesn´t work. Our radio clock by the bed is always turned toward his computer when I come home from work. Meaning he has been on his computer. He doesn´t always do the housework that we agreed was his..and I see it as part of his computer time. He starts work later than I do and works later into the evening. 2 evenings a week he comes home after 11pm or 12pm. So he has computer time in the mornings and in the evenings as we are night people.

Humlun I just love your natural and sweet vulnerable way of describing your situation. You are so real to me, and first of all I just want to send you a big sisterly hug.

The first thing that came to mind when reading your post is how on earth do you do live a “normal” life with an 18 year old sleeping in your bedroom closet? Seems to me that all of you need some of your own space, but the space is not there. What if you moved to a larger apartment before you make such a drastic separation move? That may solve a couple of problems within its own. Then the computer thing: If your SO isn’t willing to cut it down for your sake then I would tell him either that or me. It’s his choice. You could suggest set times. Set an alarm clock, and when it rings, you both meet at the kitchen table for a glass of wine. Who knows, if he is addicted, he may be grateful to you that you are finally drawing a line, and telling him to get a life.

I haven’t read all the replies, so if I’m repeating someone else’s thoughts, then that’s why.

Thinking of you in Sweden, dear Humlun.

Anne327, I think, at present, that the underlining issue for me is the lack of sharing.

But I do hear you about keeping him at home and away from bars,etc. He loves being at home..as does my 18yr old. The latter can just sigh with relief when he comes in and say, "Ohhh how nice to be at home finally and totally chill". So, as a couple, we are doing something right. Creating an atmosphere of complete relaxation and acceptance is important to me!

Humlan
my adult daughter and I have a pact..never decide anything important on a Friday night.Add to that January.she and I have shared values.
When we air our concerns its like letting the birds out of a cage.Thoughts flutter.Be calm and the worries can be handles.
The grief of your Susan will always colour your life..but I hear a strong woman when you advise others.Passionate too.
R. has settled into a comfort zone..he does need to recapture some romance.Think about it anothermaole in the house..wonder is he isnt being argumentive..Your son needs space..being the wise woman you are you want to give hime this.Are you worried if he doesn't have space he will find it elsewhere.This feeling is the empty nest and it hurts.
When we were in fertile years we had hormones to blame.The ebb and flow forms such a big part of our identity.
Your job requires energy and insight..you are being recognised(your rise and the whiskey!!)
Can you explain to R. that you are feeling low...and even if he wont go to a film..light the candles and watch a whole movie..
you say his sons mother is restricted so he R. will have little experience of a strong woman who is as developed spiritually as you are.
Personally I realise that my husband understands me better than anyone BUT only because of having listened to me huffing and puffing on my high horse.
Allow R. to evolve.If he can understand children he can transpose their development into the adult domain.
Rest your weary thoughts Humlan...I care.
MA

Hannelore..yes, and he doesn`t complain at all, my SO that is, not ever about my 18yr old lurking behind our wall! I must the world´s greatest b.... to be b....ing!

The next step is not to swarm down on R. when he comes home late this evening with all the suggestions that I have received here on this thread. He is working until 11pm. He has a headache and I have a stomach ache due to our "discussion" this morning..we do some of it by messaging on our phones.

How did you know that we would meet in the kitchen for our glass of wine..if we do it????? Because we surely would meet just there. But not at the table..there is no table. My 18yr old has his computer set up in the kitchen. Ours are in our bedroom. And yes, my SO has mentioned that he sometimes feels like so much time has gone by and that he has somehow missed when he plays his computer game.

I have alot to think about and discuss with my SO (R.). Essentially, I suppose we shall have to consider getting a bigger place (money??)..but this would give us something to work for, plan for and dream for. Maybe we are ready for it now..hmmm. We LOVE this apartment and the area we live in..but we are outgrowing it. I can see that now. I was immediately looking for a place beside the couch, by the big window..for his son to sleep in. But that won´t work. I mean his kid is 12 already..how long will it take before he will want his space too???

Ok..and the sharing and caring and considering of eachother´s thoughts and feelings..that´s very very important..but one may facilitate the other. I can see that...

Hannelore...one big sisterly HUG back to you!!!

Humlan
dont feel bombarded with all that has been said.
Same as when counselling the faciliator allows ideas and breakthrough to evolve...perhaps a walk tomorrow...?

Thinking of you not so far away..
MA

Hannelore..just a quick PS..my son plays the guitar too. In the kitchen. He just found/discovered a really heavy riff (he makes his own music too)..something like "I heard it thru the grapevine"..only much heavier, 2008 style. I love it!!!!

Who am I kidding..who else could live with me and my 18yr old in this crazy cramped household? Certainly not a man of my age?....Add to that that I have IBS..the runny kind..so when it rears it´s ugly head..I have to RUN to the bathroom. And we only have the one!!!

Are we still on sisterly hugs??? If so.. One real big one for you again!

Humlun are you sure you are 60? I think you are the youngest 60 year old I've ever encountered. Maybe your SO is too old for you? I totally agree, just looking for a new place will keep you two busy and renew some bonding.
I'll keep my fingers crossed that you will find an apartment with two baths, at least two bedrooms and all for the same price. You might have to move out a little in the outskirts...but it is worth it. We moved out of the city limits, because we decided a home that meets our needs is more important than location, and have no regrets.

I just saw this thread and read it through. Wow.
The needing more space issue is what it is, it needs to be addressed for two growing boys.
The relationship? I do agree with the comment that if the game is where he has a relationship, it may be time to get some space from him. He may have a decision to make regarding addiction and his life.

Humlan,
You need to "feel," this one with your heart and give your heart time to be clear. However you connect with your heart, it knows what is right. It's really not a matter of what we think about your love for him, it's what you feel. I have read a LOT of "thinking" but you, and only you, can feel this one through.
Take your time and follow your heart.
I am an Italian artist. Say no more there, right? I would tell you what I am telling you. We love, or should, from our heart, and our heart only loves when it is loved back or we are not loving, we are yearning. So ~ whenever you get in touch with your heart, your deep feelings and if you feel loved, and loving, you know what to do. Yearning is not love and is no life for anyone. If we are yearning, we are not in reality, we are in fantasy.

What does your heart say? Find it and let it answer. You have nothing but time, really

Dancer9

humlan, I've just come across this post. Shame on me.

You are so wise and so dear that I have no doubt you will figure out what is best for you. I know there's a lot to think about, but is your biggest issue the computer. If he is not playing games, do you think he will be connecting with you, your son and his son? I have a feeling, he will. Other than the computer games, he sounds like a keeper. YOu two sound very comfy together!

I'm sending togetherness thoughts and prayers your way.

My heart is with you, Humlan. You sound a bit overwhelmed and rightfully so, my dear.

Please keep in mind that any addiction is usually a symptom of something else going on in life. That's not advice, just a simple statement.

Hugs to you.

I haven´t been able to answer or read for about day or 2 because a little person took over our bedroom this week-end..R.s boy. He´s just left with his dad for the long bus ride up to the North..it takes him, the boy I mean 3-4hrs. Dad (R.) will leave him at the Buss Station in Sth. You see he and his mom live up in the north of Sweden. So to visit his dad, his son (I´ll call him D.), has to travel down to us. It´s a tough situation..very very tough..but both R. and D. accept it as part of life..they are much more easy going and accepting than I am. D. was only about 3 when his parents seperated and he is now 12, as I said before.

D.was born premature at 28 weeks, I think.He weighed just under 1000gm when he has born.. his mother had to get 5 liters of blood. She suffered from pregnancy toxemia. Both of them we just around 20yrs of age when they had this traumatic experience. Very very traumatic experience. But D. survived..came home some months later and so did his mom. But both are marked (according to me) by this experience. My SO, too of course..but he´s not one to talk about things too much..to some extent yes,..but not too too much. There was one time I was worried about D. (his son) because he was having problems at school with both friends and schoolwork..but I went too far in my mullings and chewing over things and probably giving advice when it was not needed or wanted. R. is that way and somehow this can be good for me too. Me being the way I am... But I do feel alittle tears well up as I write this bit. I did´t mean anything bad..but it all backfired. I pushed too far..talked too much. I can do that at times. But that was maybe 2-3 years ago and now, we are here! I keep my nose out of their business..and it works ok most of the time.

Mountain Ash, I thought alot about what you wrote about his only relationship and the girl. She is probably much much nicer than me..but we a very very different and that is all he knows. And it, of course, depends on what HE wants too..he may want a quieter, less demanding relationship. I have put this question to him anyway..because in my thinking, this is question that is basic to our relationship. Some men/women don´t want a stimulating relationship..they want more peace and quite.. more delegation and division of roles, whatever they may be..not only male and female type of rolls... I want peace and quiet..space, yes..but I need adventure too.

Dotsie, we "sound very comfy together"..yes, yes we are. And I have LOVED this because I have not felt comfy in my home until now. No unspoken vibs about what I am doing, what music I am listening to, that I am having a whiskey..etc etc. Actually, R. loves me for my weaknesses and blemishes, too. He says that´s what makes me human and not super woman. What a wonderful wonderful thing... to be loved and understood when I eat that bag of candy eventho I vowed I wouldn´t..to myself, of course. No lecture or look that tells me how weak I am (which I am ).. We both like relaxing..taking it easy...

Dancer.."yearning is not love"..I gotta think about that one..can´t you yearn for more in your relationship? And that yearning bring you both to a new place??? This is my spontaneous question now.

My dear R. has gone into his "shell" or "cave" if you will. and it´s difficult to reach him..talk to him. I hope that he is thinking..in the past this would be the case. But now there is the World of Warcraft in his life..so I am never
too sure "where" he is. This gaming is probably a symptom of more..as R. has said himself in our past discussions. Part of it is the sex part..the difficulty of having it, now that my son has moved in with us permanently (2 1/2 yrs ago). The irony there is that his father, my ex hubby, is living in our old house with over 200sqm of space!!! But they can´t live together..so says my son. He loves his father..but they can´t live under the same roof.

I have to wait a awhile for my R. to start talking..I know that he will..well, he has to. In the meantime, I will be bursting with all my thoughts and feelings..and probably sort´of leaking steam now and again, I am sorry to admit.. to his defense, we haven´t been able to really talk as his son has been here this week-end..as I mentioned. I have just given him food for thought. Which makes him very tired almost fatigued..I think he hides behind this tiredness to get space to think..or just to get space. But that´s the things isn´t it..? Should I go on, if we can´t
talk?

Grateful for anything you can add or give me..anyone...thank you so much for just reading this..anyone that does...

Humlan,
That is taking what I said about yearning out of context.
I believe that if one ONLY feels yearning, it is not love.
Yearning is, of course, part of love, yearning to see the one we love, yearning for their safty and health, etc...
But I believe we feel loved if it is love. Love cannot be solely yearning.
If you feel loved in this relationship and you love, then it is love and that is only my own belief. I know people who only yearn to be loved, or loved again, by their S.O.'s and this is a painful position.
All power to you if you feel loved as you love him! If this is the case, with work, anything can be solved in my own opnion.
Simple, I know, but singing and dancing love stories over and over all through my career, one learns a bit about love. I've been exposed to all sorts of love through working and have formed an opinion. Simply as it is.

dancer9

Some people stop really listening if we push the point...you did say R.worked late on the night you posted.So he will have had little time to process the situation.Perhaps its a good idea to prioritise what are your concerns and concentrate on the most important..The here and now.
Is there any chance to get away together .away from his computer .I know of other women who say their husbands come to bed late because of computer use.
You deserve to be happy and a short break at the weekend may be an idea.
Have a good week at work..
MA

Dancer, I get it. I understand what you meant now. AND you are making a very interesting point at the same time..being able to acknowledge that you love and are loved. Sometimes this truth can be frightening too..hmm.

Yes, Mountain Ash..I can stop listening myself if someone pushes the point too long and too often. Unfortunately, I tend to be the hound of heaven (or hell) myself at times..I am aware of this. I just get stuck in a groove and can´t see anything else for awhile.

We are going to take a break in discussions of any kind..as we are both busy both days and evenings until Thursday evening. Then we plan to have dinner out..if we are still alive and kicking..and just check our thoughts with eachother. I have warned him that I can "leak" some during the week because I am frustrated.

Your week.end idea is very very good. I actually have money that my colleagues put together when I had my 60th. We could use it to get away. We have always loved to doing that together! You are an angel..thanks for that one!!!

Hannelore, I love yur new post picture (avatar). I think you look younger..seriously!!!! As tho it makes a difference to who you are, my love.

Well, I may be young in spirit because of the company I have the honor to keep ..both at work and at home. But my bod..now that´s somewhere between 62 and 100yr old. Depending on the day and the situation!

Yes, we may just have to move. The sex thing is a problem that we both miss very much. It was very good...We are actually outside of Sth..pretty far out..beyond the subway system. BUT maybe you´re right? Even further out may be an answer to the economics of the move. Hmmm... We do have a car. Then I thought that I must have talk with my son about the fact that he is 18 and even if he says he´ll be around for awhile after he gets out of school..this spring/summer. I mean..he may not after all..be around. Housing costs ALOT around STH. A three bedroom apartment with 2 bathrooms goes for over 1 million Swedish crowns even if it´s situated pretty far out. I think that we have to start looking at the housing sites again.

I know, Humlan, I'm a biggie for the "straight up," and for the truth, honey.
I know you are hurting and you are feeling so deeply. Please take your time and know that it is one thing for me to say this truth but it is quite another to be able to answer it!
Only you know how to answer it in your deepest of hearts and you take all the time you need to do so.

Love is everything, really. It's nothing to play fast and loose with.

I wish you every bit of dreaming and playing and feeling as you come to whatever conclusion your heart finds.

dancer9

Wow, Humlan, Do you know what your housing costs translate into in American money?
dancer

Thanks Dancer..love should not be tossed away easliy..ever. And sometimes in the past..since my divorce, I have just said to my partner (the one I have now)..well, that´s it. That´s the end,then. It took me sooo looong to leave my former husband of 32yrs marriage that I am sometimes sick of having relationship problems again. BUT I KNOW this is part of life..so I am patient somewhere anyway. At least, I think that I am.

1 million Swedish crowns is about 140,000 dollars right now. My partner helped me figure out. He´s the mathematical genius in our twosome. But then there´s the question of salaries and taxes and blah blah. We,Swedes, tend not ot have too much money to work with or save. It goes to taxes that do make medical bills much cheaper, for example.

Thanks for getting that converted for me, Humlan, or thank your partner!
dancer

Humlan, first allow me to apoligize for having missed this post until today. NO post is too trivial, and no ones problems, whatever they may be should ever be laughed at, or taken lightly by others. That would never happen in BWS, because we care too much for one another.
My advice to you would be to stay put for now. Do your best to have a heart to heart discussion with R. Tell him your true feelings. It sounds like you have a very open dialogue with him anyway. Maybe you could also take an interest in his game...It might be fun, and is apprently something he enjoys. Maybe put a time limit on the time spent playing the game, and you do something you like during his game time. As far as the boys being there, you need a bigger place, 2 bedrooms, and/or a pullout sofa perhaps. Whatever else happens, be grateful he is playing a game and not involved with PORN...That is a slap in the face no woman should have to endure. Many women here have suffered through that and it never ends well.
I hope some of these ideas help, and bravo for the relationship, you are braver than I. You're also correct that it is NO fun growing old alone...and lonely.