Posted by: Dotsie
Post deleted by Dotsie
Posted by: chickadee
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/13/07 05:52 AM
Mitzkity, I admire you for being comfortable enough to come here and tell us how you feel in your situation. I really don't know what to tell you myself, but I am going to give it a shot.
Maybe you could discuss it with your daughter the way your Mom did with you. You said that you understood and agreed with your Mom back then. Perhaps your daughter will feel as you did. Is that a possibility?
Perhaps you could put aside x number hours or days a month to enjoy your grand-daughter and/or daughter(family)like you did on this visit. This won't be losing your life at all. This will be a set time to look forward to that special time together.
I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do. True feelings are just that. Admitting it to yourself is ok.
I am asking this question in sincerity. Do you think it would make a big difference in you life with step grand -dad? Is it possible that in the back of your mind, he will not be pleased.
How old is your grand -daughter and is this your only grand-child?
I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are safe in revealing your thoughts here. We are understanding of your situation.
Hugs
Maybe you could discuss it with your daughter the way your Mom did with you. You said that you understood and agreed with your Mom back then. Perhaps your daughter will feel as you did. Is that a possibility?
Perhaps you could put aside x number hours or days a month to enjoy your grand-daughter and/or daughter(family)like you did on this visit. This won't be losing your life at all. This will be a set time to look forward to that special time together.
I don't think you should feel guilty for feeling the way you do. True feelings are just that. Admitting it to yourself is ok.
I am asking this question in sincerity. Do you think it would make a big difference in you life with step grand -dad? Is it possible that in the back of your mind, he will not be pleased.
How old is your grand -daughter and is this your only grand-child?
I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are safe in revealing your thoughts here. We are understanding of your situation.
Hugs
Posted by: Dotsie
Post deleted by Dotsie - 04/13/07 06:37 AM
Posted by: jawjaw
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/13/07 11:58 AM
Mitzkity,
EChick has offered some good advice here. I found that when I started working from home, I was the only one who thought of my work as WORK. Everyone else saw me as having free time; for them. I had to set groundrules because honey, our children look at us differently than anyone else. Mom, can you do this? Mom, can you go there for me? You're not working so can you . . .? Well no I can't and yes I am working. Once the lines were drawn, my sons and my daughter-in-law accepted them and we've had no problems since.
I also found out that the biggest problem AT FIRST, was ME. I couldn't tell them no. At least I thought I couldn't. Till I realized that my work was suffering. No work, no bacon. You know?
Set the boundaries. You will be doing everyone a favor.
And yes, you can be who you are here. Isn't that cool?
EChick has offered some good advice here. I found that when I started working from home, I was the only one who thought of my work as WORK. Everyone else saw me as having free time; for them. I had to set groundrules because honey, our children look at us differently than anyone else. Mom, can you do this? Mom, can you go there for me? You're not working so can you . . .? Well no I can't and yes I am working. Once the lines were drawn, my sons and my daughter-in-law accepted them and we've had no problems since.
I also found out that the biggest problem AT FIRST, was ME. I couldn't tell them no. At least I thought I couldn't. Till I realized that my work was suffering. No work, no bacon. You know?
Set the boundaries. You will be doing everyone a favor.
And yes, you can be who you are here. Isn't that cool?
Posted by: Dianne
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/13/07 01:51 PM
I might be wrong but it sounds like you are more concerned how your husband feels than the kids themselves. We do that as women. We try to control the outcome and emotions of others and it will drive us nuts. I believe that once we realize we can't do this, it becomes much easier because others are responsible for their feelings and emotions.
My grandkids can run me into the ground too!
My grandkids can run me into the ground too!
Posted by: Bluebird
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/13/07 03:20 PM
Mitzkity, you don't sound politcally incorrect to me...you sound co-dependent. I should know, because I am, too.
I think you need to find a balance with the grandkids. You should be in their lives, physically, because good grandparents are so important to children. But don't let your kids take advantage of you. As everyone else has said, lay the ground rules and stick with them. Make sure the family knows that you love your kids and grandkids, but you need your space. And please, when your with the little ones, enjoy the time...don't spend it worrying about you husband being angry. He's a big boy and needs to deal with his own emotions.
I think you need to find a balance with the grandkids. You should be in their lives, physically, because good grandparents are so important to children. But don't let your kids take advantage of you. As everyone else has said, lay the ground rules and stick with them. Make sure the family knows that you love your kids and grandkids, but you need your space. And please, when your with the little ones, enjoy the time...don't spend it worrying about you husband being angry. He's a big boy and needs to deal with his own emotions.
Posted by: Dotsie
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/13/07 10:19 PM
Mitzkity, I certainly understand where you are coming from. My mom raised five kids and when it came time for grandchildren, she basically made it know that she was no babysitter and we understood that. She was her children's last resort sitter and that was cool with us. She loved her grandkids, but didn't dote on them which I think the kids appreciated as they got older.
I think we sometimes get a certain perception of the way things SHOULD be and we hang onto that even if it doesn't work for us. The sooner we can embrace who we are and the way we want to be, the better off everyone is. Make sense? We are the generation that will change all the SHOULDS! We've been doing it since we were kids.
I think we sometimes get a certain perception of the way things SHOULD be and we hang onto that even if it doesn't work for us. The sooner we can embrace who we are and the way we want to be, the better off everyone is. Make sense? We are the generation that will change all the SHOULDS! We've been doing it since we were kids.
Posted by: orchid
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/14/07 03:34 AM
Quote:
Mitzkity, you don't sound politcally incorrect to me...you sound co-dependent. I should know, because I am, too.
I think you need to find a balance with the grandkids. You should be in their lives, physically, because good grandparents are so important to children. But don't let your kids take advantage of you. As everyone else has said, lay the ground rules and stick with them. Make sure the family knows that you love your kids and grandkids, but you need your space. And please, when your with the little ones, enjoy the time...don't spend it worrying about you husband being angry. He's a big boy and needs to deal with his own emotions.
People appreciate if they know some ground rules that are nicely told to them.
And I agree with Bluebird, that perhaps your husband simply lacks patience. Why sure, he doesn't want to have his own children and shouldn't feel obligated he has to feel differently otherwise.
But hopefully he will see the light one day...that you do wish to enjoy your grandchildren occasionally.
If I may offer, a completely different perspective. I don't have children, but he has 2 adult children..and is now a grandfather. I think it's shame he's 4,000 kms. away from his grandchild who is growing quickly. I know my partner loves his freedom as an empty nester but knows his grandson will not feel any closeness unless he is more physically present in the child's life. So whenever we do fly into town, he spends a few hrs. every 2nd day with grandson. By the way, I'm off doing my own thing and not with him and grandson...I have a large family to visit one by one, for each person, which includes nieces and nephews.
Grandparent need is not just limited to the maternal side.
Posted by: Anno
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/14/07 11:40 AM
I have always believed that to be a loving and great person to be around, you have to be happy with yourself first. And no one should feel guilty about what makes them feel happy. I agree with Dotsie, let's remove the SHOULDS from our life.
I never had my own children, but have had children in my life for years. There were times I felt the universal "they" were telling me what I should do for these children and how I should feel about it. I ended up feeling guilty about either not wanting to do what I should do and doing it anyway and hating the experience, or feeling guilty about not doing it at all. This is not a way to be a happy person.
And JJ with the boundaries - everyone really wants to know what is okay and not okay, otherwise we are always needing to test the other person. This way neither person is happy because we never know what to expect.
Grandparents should be special for grandchildren. And this can look so different for everyone. One of my grandmothers did not like children a whole lot, and when we were with her, no one had fun. The other grandmother was hooked on crafts and loved being with us. I loved staying at her house because she wanted me there. I loved both of them, but our time together looked very different.
You will resolve this and hopefully to a happy conclusion for all.
I never had my own children, but have had children in my life for years. There were times I felt the universal "they" were telling me what I should do for these children and how I should feel about it. I ended up feeling guilty about either not wanting to do what I should do and doing it anyway and hating the experience, or feeling guilty about not doing it at all. This is not a way to be a happy person.
And JJ with the boundaries - everyone really wants to know what is okay and not okay, otherwise we are always needing to test the other person. This way neither person is happy because we never know what to expect.
Grandparents should be special for grandchildren. And this can look so different for everyone. One of my grandmothers did not like children a whole lot, and when we were with her, no one had fun. The other grandmother was hooked on crafts and loved being with us. I loved staying at her house because she wanted me there. I loved both of them, but our time together looked very different.
You will resolve this and hopefully to a happy conclusion for all.
Posted by: homebusiness
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counse - 04/14/07 03:06 PM
Mitzkity,
Wow - I could have written this in reverse
For 22 years, I have dealth with in-laws that wanted to be a part of everything, and proceeded to "push it" on us. I never felt like an adult because they always told us what we SHOULD be doing. It wreaked havoc on our marriage, because my husband was very tied to them.
I have felt like a terrible Christian and daughter-in-law and sister-in-law and wife. But I am also a very private person, who just wanted to enjoy her kids.
It all came to a head a couple years ago. My husband finally saw what was happening, and our marriage has been better since. We have sat down with them and tried to explain the way we have felt, but they don't seem to hear.
I think if we had done that in the very beginning, maybe some of this could have been avoided. So, I do encourage you to be honest and open with your daughter, and tell her how you feel.
I have come to the conclusion we are who we are, and at times, will have to do things we would rather not. But it shouldn't be to the point where it affects our personality and view of life.
I hope you can get it all worked out. You are not a terrible person. We're all different.
Wow - I could have written this in reverse
For 22 years, I have dealth with in-laws that wanted to be a part of everything, and proceeded to "push it" on us. I never felt like an adult because they always told us what we SHOULD be doing. It wreaked havoc on our marriage, because my husband was very tied to them.I have felt like a terrible Christian and daughter-in-law and sister-in-law and wife. But I am also a very private person, who just wanted to enjoy her kids.
It all came to a head a couple years ago. My husband finally saw what was happening, and our marriage has been better since. We have sat down with them and tried to explain the way we have felt, but they don't seem to hear.
I think if we had done that in the very beginning, maybe some of this could have been avoided. So, I do encourage you to be honest and open with your daughter, and tell her how you feel.
I have come to the conclusion we are who we are, and at times, will have to do things we would rather not. But it shouldn't be to the point where it affects our personality and view of life.
I hope you can get it all worked out. You are not a terrible person. We're all different.
Posted by: Edelweiss
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counse - 04/15/07 07:36 PM
Mitzkity, I'm impressed that you are so honest with us, and expressing something that many of us feel.
I'm a very enthused grandmother, but I'm as enthused to give our grandchild back to her parents, because I need my own life as well. I think a lot depends on the grandchild. At this point our grandchild brings us so much love and laughter that she enriches our lives. But if you ask me if I would be willing to be her taxi service and constant babysitter and so on, I would say no.
My MIL refused right from the start, and I never had a problem with it. I never knew what it was like otherwise. So my advice would be, don't start a service that you won't want to continue.
And another thing, adult children can be surprisingly understanding.
I'm a very enthused grandmother, but I'm as enthused to give our grandchild back to her parents, because I need my own life as well. I think a lot depends on the grandchild. At this point our grandchild brings us so much love and laughter that she enriches our lives. But if you ask me if I would be willing to be her taxi service and constant babysitter and so on, I would say no.
My MIL refused right from the start, and I never had a problem with it. I never knew what it was like otherwise. So my advice would be, don't start a service that you won't want to continue.
And another thing, adult children can be surprisingly understanding.
Posted by: P.J.
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 04/16/07 12:30 AM
Mitzkity you have no idea what reading your post meant to me. I don't get the chance to post here very often, but when I saw your post I knew I had to reply to you. I have a very complicated situation with my own family...too much to go into here...but just know that this past week I had a little mini meltdown and have been giving some serious thought to what "I" really want and how "I" am choosing to live. It came to me that what I really want is to live away from my family and enjoy visits with them a couple of times a year...visits where we can all enjoy each other, not daily visits and daily (multiple)phone calls where I get to solve all their problems and bear witness to all their negativity. I just need and want to be ME for awhile. There's a lot more to my thoughts, but that's the basis of them and when I had them I felt extremely guilty for them at first. I mean, here when most people are moving to get closer to kids, grandkids, or parents, I am thinking about moving to get away from mine! At first I thought I was just running away from my problems..why not stay here and just set more boundaries? But I realized that even with more boundaries what I really want is to just live my own life for awhile, away from them, and have them come for great, fun visits...and then go back home. It isn't quite doable yet for me, but the time is coming. I still felt guilty for having those thoughts though, and felt like some evil selfish person, but then I stumbled across your post and I knew I wasn't alone. It really made me feel better to know someone else out there feels as I do. Thank You somuch for that post and for being so honest here!
Posted by: backhandgrip
Re: Politically incorrect Grandmother needs counseling - 05/08/07 05:14 PM
Although I agree with many of the posts here I also think we have a responsibility to offer support. Maybe it's not just the sitting but the support your daughter needs. You can really turn your wisdom on by helping your daughter find the way.For example, instead of refusing to babysit and dropping it in her lap, find a good nursery school where you feel comfortable, encourage you daughter to start a babysitting co op (yes, I know, there are some real bad points to this too!),encourage her to start a play group, set some ground rules, like, "I'm only available Tuesdays." We all need a break, but we can be be a help too.