Dropping like flies

Kids are leaving! Not only our own, but all their friends too. Every day/night this past week we have said farewell to someone. I wasn't in the forums today because we delivered our daughter to college. She's a freshman. Two down, one to go. I'm hanging in there. Hope everyone else is doing the same. I"ll be back posting up a storm again tomorrow.

Hi Dotsie! Welcome to "your" life. You'll love it! Just a little tip...stay away from too sentimental music in the beginning...Hubby and I had a hard time with that. But then in a week the world looks brighter.

My youngest daughter left for college early due to marching band practice. Tonight will be her first night home in 2 weeks, and she's staying the weekend. I'm so glad her school is only 90 miles away.

Dotsie, Having no children to leave home, I probably have no way to truly commiserate here. I know it's a bombardment of loss for you, and I can only imagine the pain of feeling those threads of connection stretching farther and farther away from you.

I do have one niece who has been an integral part of my life for the past 18 years. We're very close. As we keep having to postpone this year's family reunion becaue of my brother's cancer, she's just informed us that this year will be her LAST family reunion for awhile. When she finishes high school in June, she's planning on going to China for a few weeks and then to Africa indefinitely to do some missionary work (through her church's missionary agency.) The thought of not having her around at family gatherings and Christmases anymore just rips at my heart! So I have a small inkling of how this empty-nesting feels, albeit at a much smaller scale than a Mother.

All will be well..
Mountain Ash

I've never had one leave for college but two of my sons have moved out. My 21 yr. old lives about 85 miles from us and our 18 year old lives here in town, about 12 miles away. But he is moving to NC on monday! I'm trying so hard not to be devastated and I'm doing a good job so far. I keep telling him that nothing in life is permanent and anytime he wants to come back, he is welcome.

Blue, isn't letting go tough? But it's what we're called to do as mothers. Hopefully he has a cell phone, and/or internet access. It really makes the distance tolerable.And would it be terrible if he saw you a little devastated?

Eagle, you must be so proud of your niece. She's making some pretty darn mature choices for her age.
Hannelore, funny you should mention music. A friend called this morning to see how yesterday went. She told me she thought of me when she heard a man on the radio request a song for his daughter whom he had just dropped off at college. She said they played Lean on Me, and all I could think was why in the world would he do that. Was he trying to make himself cry?

Mountain, I appreciate your simple words. I'll keep repeating them.

dejavu, enjoy having your daughter home this weekend. I'm sure you will.

Better going to college than Iran or some other country where there is no chance of seeing them for quite awhile. Or maybe getting into drugs and disappearing for years and you're niot knowing where they are or even if they are?

Absolutely, Chatty...and better than losing them in a car accident, like the boys in my town.

Maybe I'm too sentimental but I would prefer to think of the kids leaving home as not 'dropping like flys' but 'fluttering away like butterflies'. A much nicer picture in my minds eye, LOL....

Or soaring like eagles.

Eagle mothers begin removing all the soft grasses from the nest as the eaglettes grow so they will have to rest on the thorns and sticks and will fly away when the time is right. The Eagles know their offspring must leave the nest to fly or they will never soar.

smile

There's that "glass half full" attitude I know and love so much

Today is the anniversary of Robert leaving us - and what is it about North Carolina that keeps calling to our kids !!!
(my son, DIL and grandbeauty just moved to Charleston)

so here's a (((((((( GROUP HUG ))))))))

We have to look at this as we did everything else -- its just another chapter in OUR book of life

Lion, here's a group hug for you and your hubby.
((((((((((((((GROUP HUG and LOVE))))))))))))))))
Thank you for reminding me of the anniversary. I am lifting you and your family in prayer as I type! May you see a butterfly in the bush today!

Love the soaring like eagles because that's more like it. We've just been overwhelmed lately with my knee and caring for an elderly family member. I guess it's showing in my attitude. Thanks for revealing this to me. I appreciate it.

And chatty, trust me, I've considered the fact that they are going to college and not war. I am counting my blessings. Believe me.

(((HUGS))) lion. Did Robert "visit" today?
My son is moving to NC tomorrow! Not far from Winston-Salem.

Lion, you've been in my heart all day. I saw lots of butterflies today, many of them yellow in fact, albeit on clothes in the store while shopping with our 5-yr-old granddaughter (it was raining very heavily outside, so it was an indoor day today), and they all reminded me of Robert and you...

(((((Lionspaaw)))))

Wish I could be there to deliver it in person.

((( thanks ladies )))

I didn't mean to turn the thread towards me -- just realizing that sometimes we can expect our kids will move on and sometimes we can't -- but it doesnt make it easier to let them go either way and all we can do is shake ourselves off and head off on a new adventure

I think it's a little easier for me to let Travis go because I watch him growing as a father and husband and I watch the way we raised him being carried on with his child but a child going off to college is perhaps a little harder because in our hearts and minds - their still "kids in school" - plus they come home every once in awhile and you get used to them being "back" and then they up and leave you again - making you go all through the emotions again

but I truly appreciate your thoughts being with me and I'm so happy you can share butterflies with me

Well my son, Anthony, left this afternoon for Winston-Salem.
He's 18 and he's one of those "never show any emotion" kind of tough guys (but he is a sweetheart and I know he cares, even if he doesn't say so). Well he hugged me for a long time and I was crying, and I'm pretty sure he had tears in his eyes, too. I told him I loved him and even when I let go, he pulled me back to hug me some more. I'm crying as I type here, not because I don't think he'll be all right, but because he IS growing up. He knows he is always welcome to come back.
Sometimes teens don't realize how important their families are until it's time to leave them...

Jackie, he has the perspective he needs to start his solo life, all the good lessons you taught him. He grew up being loved and knows that you are always there for him. God bless him on his journey into adulthood, and you for giving him the tools needed to be a man.

Bluebird - my son moved to North Carolina about a month ago now -- they gave me about 2 weeks notice that they were leaving and that they weren't planning on letting my 3 yr old grandbeauty stay here with me

I kept telling them that I couldn't deal with saying goodbye -- that there was no way I could watch them just drive away from me - they were just going to have to put up with me coming over and staying awhile (like we usually did on Sunday) and then I'd leave as if nothing was going to be different -- and I did pretty good -- until my daughter-in-law walked out to the car with my grandbeauty and starting crying as she hugged me -- well needless to say I lost it and I fight back the tears every time I think about it still - afterall - this was my "baby" and he was leaving me BY CHOICE

but like chatty said -- we've given them all the tools they need to grow into men and they can leave knowing they are loved and always have a home -- we can't do much more than that

(((((( HUGS ))))))

Lionspaw, your post was so heart wrenchingly honest. Just want to say how I feel with you.

Actually, I did the same thing to my Mom, by moving to Germany. When I think back, I'm so grateful to her that she made it so easy for me, without laying any guilt trip on me. I guess that's one last big present, but valuable present, a parent can give their child when they leave and live their independent lives. Easier said then done, I know, and I have yet to follow my own advice when my son comes to say good-bye.
My Mom took a real-estate course when I left. I guess that was to fill the gap as well. Hopefully you have the opportunity to stay busy and distract yourself.
Lionspaw, I wish you from the bottom of my heart, lots of new found energy and the opportunity to fill that gap with wonderful new discoveries.

Hannelore - THANK YOU -- I do keep myself very busy and my hubby and I have always had that "you and me against the world" attitude - so we are adjusting better than I thought we would

I was thinking the same thing when Travis told me they were leaving -- that this must have been how MY mom felt when I left home -- life truly does go full circle doesnt it

The first thing I told the kids when they said they were moving was I wouldn't do/say anything to hold them back - they had to live THEIR life now and besides - they were only moving 10 hours away -- I was just VERY grateful it wasn't CALIFORNIA

I hadn't realized how much I had turned to the kids and my grandbeauty after losing Robert -- I had been very careful not to "transfer" feelings and put any pressure on Travis to "take up the slack" regarding my emotions but I had allowed myself to "use them" when I was feeling down - one minute after walking into their house and seeing my grandbeauty's smile - all was well with the world

now enough about me

I loved your butterfly story. I wonder why so many of us see them after a loved one has passed. My aunt told me that if she could, she would come back and visit my sister and I in the form of a butterfly. We both had lingering butterflies on the same day!

All of my kids live far away and it's sad at times. We stay in touch by phone but it isn't the same. I really miss them. My arms start aching to hold them.

Blue, your son soundds delightful. I especially like the way he pulled you back to hug you some more. You need to carry that thought with you. It says so much!

Lion, what a sweet DIL. TEEHEE! And I already know what a gem Travis his.

This thread is a tough one for me. In a couple weeks I'll be hugging my youngest and leaving him in Florida at age 18...and it's so far from home.

Dotsie - I know I should KNOW this - but where in Florida ?
Close enough for me to knock on his door with a poloraid camera and say "YOUR MOM SENT ME" tee hee

Wouldn't that be nice? No, he's more central FL. Darn!

Hey, don't tell HIM where Lionspaaw lives. Let HIM think it's near him. hahaha...

JJ

Just tell him, Mom has eyes everywhere with this forum and all of us women spread about the land...

You know I didn't have a hard time when we moved my son away for college. I worked very hard not be positive and not clingy with him. I packed up some of my dishes and towels, etc so he would have plenty, I emptied my pantry and freezer so he would go hungry while he got situated.

But I admit that with each passing month it grows harder. I don't know if its because I was dealing with all the other issues of divorce etc when my son moved and so I am just now dealing with the 'empty nest'. But it just keeps getting harder.

He doesn't call just to talk anymore. I may call and leave several messages before he calls me back. Where once he would share what was going on in his life he shares less and less. I feel like each conversation is like pulling teeth and I get off the phone feeling very empty and frustrated. Our relationship should be blossoming on a whole new level yet I fear it's actually dying a slow and painful death. I try to keep my calls upbeat and light and I haven't asked/manipulated him with come home and fix this, etc. And I've noticed when he comes to see me, he always has someone on tow--almost like he needs a buffer--am I crazy?

Am I wrong, is this how anyone else feels? My secret fear is that my ex-husband so damaged us through the years that I will also loose my only child because of him.

Please insight anyone.....

starting over, it could just be that your son needs some mental and emotional space to deal with the break up. The "buffer" could be there because your son is afraid to become emotional in front of you..the buffer would keep things more casual, less intense. Have the two of you had a good, long talk about the divorce and how you each feel about it? Maybe he's in love with someone and is fighting it because he sees the hurt that come from it. I've never had kids go off to college but the other women could probably tell you that the kids are torn between the excitement of becoming independent and the fear of becoming independent.
I don't think you will lose your son. He may just pull away for awhile. Let him know that you are always there for him, when he's ready to "come back".
Give him a hug and here's one for you (((HUG)))

Starting Over, I don't have children so never had to send one away to college - but there are other people's children in my life who I've known since they were babies and who are now in university/college. The same sort of thing is happening with them, and the common denominator seems to be an overwhelming combination of homework and social activities that they're involved in - they simply have no time leftover for anything else. One young friend of ours almost dropped out after only a few weeks last year because she couldn't get into the rhythm of juggling classes, the mounds of homework/reading, a part-time job, social activities in the dorm AND trying to placate her Mom who called almost every day. She finally did work out some kind of balance but went through the entire year feeling like she was constantly falling behind in everything.

I think if it's your son's first year, some of that might be true for him too...a whole new world of juggling responsibilities and demands. He just might need time and space to figure out the juggling act.

starting over, I just typed two different responses and deleted both because I don't think either were good advice.

I don't know what to say that might help. Perhaps the best thing to do is realize it's not likely that you will totally lose him. That's rare. Remember that relationships ebb and flow depending upon where both people are at the time.

I know there were definitely times in my life that my contact with Mom and Dad waned. And come to think of it, I was in my early 20s. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk to them. In retrospect, I guess I was just too busy and selfish at the time. Sad, but true.

Perhaps all us Moms who are launching children in this world need more patience. Patience and faith that all things work for good for those who love their God.

I am thinking of you starting over.

Well I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it doesn't get any better when they marry either. Then they have their work, their friends, their homes, their wife (or husband) and their kids, etc. I could have moved out of state or passed away a couple of months ago and my son wouldn't know. Does he love me, sure he does but time gets away from them. Does it make me mad and sad, you betcha it does! And one of these days I will be gone and he'll be sorry. I think girls are better than boys about seeing and spending time with mom more often, but then I don't have a girl so I may be wrong about that..