special empty nest dynamics single women face

i was single when my children left the nest and am still single some several years later. the challenges of being a single empty nester are different than being a married empty nester for obvious reasons. you are just more alone. there is no one else to commisserate with. when you miss your kids (and grandkids) there is no one to reassure you or distract you or redirect you.

it's just you and that is that.

i have had a very difficult time being what i think of now as without a family. i mean i have a family, but they are super busy with their own lives and they don't need me (which is as it should be . . .i understand that). but i need a family and i don't have one.

most of the time i am ok and then sometimes i am not.

i have not been able to connect with others in my boat . . . i just don't meet other single women of my age who have grown children and grandchildren and are not glad to be rid of them.

it's weird. i know they are out there somewhere! i don't go to church, so that limits the possibilities of finding like-minded others.

this sounds like a rant or a whine and it is kind of, because the holidays were less than nurturing for me. i am usually ok holidays, but new year's was really difficult for me this year because i could not get ahold of a couple of my kids and it was no big deal for them, but devastating for me. and it got me into the mode of wanting and missing a family.

i don't even know how to define family anymore. it seems like for me that my role as mother is no longer appropriate and i do not fit the role of friend because i do not party and will not be doing that anytime soon. my kids like to drink and i do not like to overindulge.

it seems like the obvious solution is to find a way to redefine family that works for me and i just can't seem to figure out how to do that. i seem stuck on wanting something that cannot exist. as i said, i have peaks and valleys of coping with this problem . . . it has been ongoing for years . . .and right now i am at a low point and the issue has popped up again.

i manage the care of an elderly parent all by myself - my kids are not involved in that either and i have reconciled myself to it.

i think it is interesting that i am the support person for my kids and my grandkids, but i have no support person for myself.

i need to find a way to rethink the idea of family, because the way i think of it and the way it is is so dissappointing and unfulfilling.

i do things with my kids and it is all well and good . . . that is not what i am talking about. it is the emotional connection - knowing that someone will be there for you as you are for them. i guess i had this faulty idea that things would be reciprocal in that way and they are not and i can't seem to get beyond that.

Seek,
I'm sorry for the way you are feeling. I'm afraid that family, and esp. one's relationship with one's children is a personal thing. Perhspa if you expanded on your explanation, others could give suggestions and offer help.

You CAN make you own family full of close friends. This works for many people. You can surround yourself with giving people who will not only take from you.

All that takes is a decision from you that you want and need to build a different family to sustain you in your life.

I did so with my family of origin because they were so dysfunctional. I made my own family from my grandfather and friends and ignored the family of mine that ignored me.

But seek, we must remember that children are always like toddlers. They go as far as they can on their own and then when they ger scared, they call or come home. It might be a good break you are getting now and should enjoy it!

Only you know what is going on but if you choose to share more, there are people here that can help, I'm certain.

To happier days!

Dancer

Seek, I can only imagine how hard it must be, as a single parent, to suffer under empty nest syndrome. It was hard enough to live through it with a partner.

Actually I think you are on the right track if you seek other single mothers going through the same thing. Not all of them like to party.
How about starting a group? Just put an add in the paper? You could first meet in a coffee house or someplace neutral. I bet you would get a response…and if its just one nice lady that you could relate to,…it would be worth it.

How many children do you have, seek? I have two sons, and yes they are busy with their own lives. One of them is married to a lady who has a gigantic family. So we are just a cumbersome addition…just another one to give birthday presents to or call. I was terribly hurt in the beginning,…but oddly enough, … now that we have almost given up,…they are coming around weekly and stay almost half the day. So, giving them space really does pay off.

One thing, - this experience has forced me to think more independently. In a way it is a ticket to freedom. I always wanted to live near the ocean. Because my sons are so independent, I don't feel compelled to stay in their vicinity. I have also learned that I have to take care of myself, and not depend on anyone. I see that with my mother. If she didn't have me,…I think she would be one lost soul. It's just not healthy to be dependent on anyone for anything.

From your posts, I could tell that you are a versatile and intelligent woman. Believe me, I know those blues…especially on rainy gray days. It's awful, - but hang in there; … in the long run it will make you strong and truly free.

Yee gads seek, your post could have been describing me and my family. I too spend a lot of my time solo. My DIL is in the hospital and I bumped into a friend of someone she works with and thats how I found out. When I went to see her she said, well I thought Dave would call you. Dave is my supposedly loving son I haven't spoken to now since well before Thanksgiving. He is too usy with his own friends. I can't believe how my life is different now from what I thought it would be like. I am virtually alone family wise. And you know what, I am getting use to it and I rather like it. Only my problems and life to worry about, no ranting from my sons behaving like I am the kid and they are the adults.

I can't wait for my ex to move out so I can maybe sell this place and move to, get ready MamaRed, I am coming home to Fox Lake. I can hardly wait.

Sons. I have two sons too but they are very aware that their parents need them to be in touch so they are very, very good about it. Flowers on Mothers Day, gifts on my birthday, home for holidays, etc...

One of my sons is married but he still knows how important he is and he checks on and does not want to worry me. (Worrying me is something my friends and family avoid because it can twist my body into pain.) I never told them they had to keep in touch but they do.

I'm a lucky empty nester but when one of my sons came to stay for two weeks for Christmas, although I was thrilled when he came, I was happy to get my nest empty again too! I have developed a different life now that they are gone.

Who do you have for family Seek?

Dancer

seek, I think the future will look brighter for you because you've put your finger on what you're missing in life. Now all you have to do is find a way to fill that void.

I agree with EW. I think starting some kind of group, or gathering with other women who also wished they had closer ties with their families is a great idea.

Louisa, a member here, wanted to be in a writing group so she launched her own. I say go for it.

My MIL had two sons too. She connected with The Seven Silly Sisters. That's what they called themselves. They were a bunch of midlife women who were all single, except one. Their children were busy raising their kids, some children were out of town. They did all kinds of fun outings together, sometimes all seven, and other times, just a few. They spent time together during the holidays, traveled a bit together, and became their own little family offering support to one another. Might this be something you'd like to investigate?

I laughed at your mention of touching base with the kids on New Year's Eve. Ross and I talked about how we always called our parents at midnight. In fact, this is the first year I didn't call my Dad because he said he'd be asleep by midnight.

Ross and I wondered if that was something we were taught or just did on our own. Anyway, since our kids didn't call us, we called them, and they were cool with it. LIfe goes on.

Say Dotsie did your dad ever get his wheelchair???

Yes! I took him out for the first time last Saturday and it was wonderful. It reminded me of strolling my kids which I did EVERY SINGLE DAY when they were little. I love the outdoors. There was something very exhilerating about pushing Dad around. I got a real kick out of it, and I think he did too. It felt so good and right.

I pushed him all around the outside of a nice shopping area. The temperature was in the 30s but the sun was shining down on us. Then I strolled him through Wegman's and we got pastries and sat by the window and devoured them. I'm hoping to do another outing tomorrow, but they're calling for a wintery mix to hit our town. We'll see.

I can't wait until spring. I'll be trucking him anywhere he wants to go.

Thanks for asking, and thanss for being the impetus for getting the chair!

Opening topic.

I was rereading this topic about Empty Nests, when the kids leave. That reminded me, what about when the nest leaves, say by way of fire etc.? Everybody loses everything and that has to be hell on earth for the families involved.

You are so right, Chatty. I have been burned out twice in my life, and both times it was so devastating. I remember walking through the place and trying to figure out what various burned and twisted pieces used to be. The worst thing was losing family mementos - pictures, the kids' first lock of hair, their school projects and pictures they drew for us. Still now when I think about it I feel a profound sense of loss and it's been some 30 years. In one fire we lost our cat, but the dog got out okay. I guess the cat succumbed to smoke inhalation as she was hiding in the back of the closet where the fire started. The first fire was when the kids were little - preschool - and right before Christmas. The second was a couple of years later, just when we were getting back on our feet. It would have been so easy to just give up at that point, but I refused to do that. I never give up!!

Yonuh, you are a strong and positive woman and it shows when you post. Losing the small important mementos has to be just devastating. MY grandsons wife is trying to get photos from guests who attended their wedding so she can make up another wedding album. They lost everything, large and small, and had
only the clothes on their backs, literally, when escaping.

chatty what a horrendous way to consider an empty nest. How are they doing oveall?

My sister lived through a house fire as I mentioned. One of the albums that survived their fire was one I'd made for her when she was Peter Pan in the 8th grade.

How sad that your DIL has to scrounge to get photos, but what a great idea to do so.

Considering all they've been through Dotsie, they are holding up nicely. Both are back at work part time for now. Jared is sleeping so much better and although he sheds tears still, that to me is normal, healthy even. Thanks for asking and the kids keep saying to thank all of you dear ladies for your prayers.

chatty, he's probably suffering a bit from post traumatic stress syndrome which is totally normal after such a tragedy.

No doubt he is!!!

I may soon be the proud owner of an empty nest, finally!!! The EX is out with a buddy today looking at apartments. I think they may go in together. Not certain, just hoping and praying. . .

hope it goes well for him and in turn you chattie

I wouldn't treat an mongrul dog the way I treat this loser. I can't believe he hasn't left, I would have, and long ago too. He has no sense and is mouching off of me and so why would he want to go anywhere. I keep hoping he finds a girlfriend.

so thers been no progress with his frend and him regarding flats, sorry bout that.

your last post sounded very hopefull too

oh i forgott your a big softie with animals so you treating a mongral dog better than him probably good treatment compared to some

The news now is my ex got a seventeen week extension on his unemployment and has stopped looking for a job. Anyone know a good hit man, or woman?

Chatty my dear friend. You have to be on the outside looking in. You KNOW what advice you would give anyone in this situation. Take the bull by the horns...

Thats exactly right Chick.

Well my friends, after much agonizing and soul searching, I have made a decision that hopefully will be beneficial to me and my ex.

I am allowing my ex to remain here until Dec. 2010. That will give him ample opportunity to find worthwhile employment and save enough money to be able to move himself and all his stuff without being under the gun, so to speak.

When he is working I barely see him anyway. He cooks for himself and does all his own laundry, and still will shop or run errands for me if I ask him to.

This wasn't an easy decision but the only one I seem to be able to live with. Plus I can save a nice amount of money as well. This is all stipulated on his getting a job and paying rent. No rent, no place to live! No one is that generous, not even me.
I'll just have to wait and see how things play out.

Chatty it sounds like you have come to a happy medium. At least you won't have the stress of it now. That in itself is worth it. What is he field?

Do you really mean 2010? Oh my, that's a long time. However, if he's pitching in, that sure makes sense. You have to look out for yourself financially. I just can't stand the fact that he's there and it makes you unhappy in your own home.

Maybe he could turn his checks over to you and you could budget for him so he has enough money to move when the time comes? Sounds like dealing with a teen, but hey, if it works, go for it.

Chick, I think I may have and all I can do is wait and see now. His field varies from Collection's to Customer Care or even Sales. He went to Drake Universitry on the G.I. bill and got his degrees in Political History. He is a literal genius book wise, but too dam dumb common sense wise to cross the street alone, I kid you not!!

He should have been a teacher then a college professor which is what he was going for, but his 'then wife' wanted the big bucks and nagged him into a job in Insurance. He did very well there for over ten years and then they divorced and he literally fell apart, lost his job and became a (????? whatever he is ????)

He has the chance for yet another collection job and will find out this week for certain if they're hiring him.

Dotsie we have an arrangement of that nature so he does have the cash to get out as soon as possible BUT with a deadline of 2010. This guy has to have a deadline or he'd hang out here forever.
Dealing with a stupid man far out weighs having to deal with a teen. It is far more disturbing because he is by age, an adult.

I hate this person from his head to his toes but this may be the best way to handle things in order for no one to get hurt in the long run. I keep my sanity and he does everything he can to be agreeable so I don't call the sheriff NOW/TODAY and have him forceably removed.

Its something that is far better than what we were doing.