My family problem.

Everyone is so good about sharing family problems here.I thought I would try to do so as well.

I have a sister in law who is abused by her husband. I know it is sexual and verbal as well and emotional and mental.
She is 44, with MS, and has had two children with him quickly, against her doctors advise. Her MS worsened because of this so she now has a one year old and a three year old.
She is the sole support of her family. Her retirement disability and her social security is what they live on. He refuses to work. Her leg and arm are going and she says she has to stop driving now. She is 44.
She is isolated in Virginia. She and he have a house in a small gated community in a small Virginia town. The community has it's own police force so when she, for example, cryed out to them that she was raped, they let it slide! They saw it as a "family problem," and did not bring in "real police," or the sheriff. She cannot get help there from family because they have all moved away.
Two years ago, my mother in law who lived there died in a head on collision. This left my sister in law alone in the small town with this situation. When my MIL died, the family came to the town for the service and called Child Protection for the children after seeing how they were treated and the danger they were in with only my SIL caring for them as her husband stays drunk and leaves all day. When CPS came they put her in some required counceling which is finished now and the children are in the same situation. They are yelled at when the two of them fight, they are driven when their father is drunk, and they get caught up in the fighting between their parents. They are in trouble.
Now, when we call CPS there is no way we can prove their is abuse because all we have is what she tells us and she DOES tell us what happens but they do not think it is enough to visit the home! It is as if he, her husband, is controlling her and her money and doing as he pleases with no one to stop him or check on his behavior.
Recently it got worse. My SIL found some porn, some YOUNG girls in photos in his truck and some web sites he was visiting. At the same time, his sisters wrote an open letter to the family about being abused by him, their brother, sexually, when they were young. Now there is a problem there. My sister in law called after finding him in bed naked with their three year old. He said he just fell asleep that way while caring for her.
We are at a loss. We don't think we can do anything else to help her.

Does anyone, (Dianne?) Have any ideas about this situation?

I thank you for reading and allowing me to put this somewhere in words. It is a big family problem that I landed in the middle of because the family wars but I am the one they all talk to when they fight.

dancer, frustrated.
I hope this made sense....

Hi, Dancer: Together with the discovery of child porn and the background of previous child abuse, the man has been discovered naked next to the child. I cannot stress strongly enough the urgency of action required in this case. The children MUST be removed from that environment IMMEDIATELY. As in NOW. The legal processes and the rest can follow later.

Dancer, I’m afraid I can’t give you any advice on this. This is a tragic story, especially because your SIL has MS. I think Dianne is the best person to consult.

Just from my gut feeling, I would say the only thing you can do is help your SIL help herself. I’m not sure, but I think I once read or heard that MS victims get lethargic about their lives, so she will need tremendous support. She has to act now, as long as she is still able to. The longer she waits the more difficult (physically) it will be for her. But I’m sure you know this anyway.

My sister died in 1995 from the result of long battle with MS. They don't get lethargic, they become so helpless they need almost constant care and are afraid to be alone. My ex brother-in-law mentally, physically and probably sexually abused my sister. I went to Indiana and stayed there a year waiting for her divorce to be final. Of course he denied it all but I was able to discover proof and he had to back down. I moved her to NV. where she lived with me until she passed away. Thank God there were no children involved. Lola is right, someone needs to make a lot of noise to anyone in power who will listen and get those kids and your sister to safety. God Bless her and dam him for the abuse, she has enough of a cross to bear. My sister died miserably, demented and her spine curved, it was horribe and she cried all the time for the loss of the man she adored so much, he was her whole life for nearly 20 years. She always worked and made good money and he was fine until she became unemployable and so ill.. Talk about a RAT diserting the sinking ship...Leave no stone unturned Dancer to help her, MS is a horrible disease...

Dancer, I read your post last night and have been thinking/praying all night. As Lola said, those children MUST be removed from that environment immediately, but I don't have any clue as to how to make that happen, especially in a community where there doesn't seem to be much respect for enforcing the law. But it's a potentially disastrous situation and one where nobody can afford to give this man the "benefit of the doubt" any longer...as Lola said, act now (remove the children) and work out the legal details later.

Keeping you all in constant prayer...wish I knew what else to advise. Dianne and Lynnie would know more.

PS...I understand that Dianne is in Texas for a speaking engagement this week. I sent her an email giving her a 'heads-up' on this post so I'm sure when she has a moment she'll be here to help.

I just don't know how to get CPS to take action again... It's a small town and I must admit, I'm a city girl. I don't know how these small town "rent a cops," work or how CPS works in a community that is ruled pretty much by those who have money. She does have a nice home there in their little community so things slide by these police and never get out into the "real world." If anyone told a police officer that their husband had raped them and was crying hysterically, the police would take him in right away, no questions asked here where I am! Still, his abuse has her feeling unable to take care of herself when in fact, she is a stong minded woman who has taken care of herself all of her life.
She makes the excuses for him that all battered women do.
dancer, taking this hard, but hanging in.

Chatty, you are a lovely woman for sharing! I am so grateful because this is EXACTLY what looks like will happen. My SIL has been married less than 10 years to this man who has children with 3 other women! What you did for your sister is exactly what needs to be done for my sister in law but she is not yet in a wheel chair although she has told me she sees it coming. She does have a sister, my other SIL who has offered to take care of her if her husband is gone but she lives in Montana and he does everything he can to keep the two apart. There is a riff between them that is wide now and they were close until the day their mother died.
She will need this intervention and what you described is exactly what I will send to my other SIL to give her an idea of what can happen.
It is SO hard to watch this start to happen, Chatty, as I'm sure you know.
Did you have to wait until your sister was very incapacitated before you could intervene?
Your story is the closest I've heard, again, to what is happening here. She, too, had a good job and had much responsibility before this happened to her. This gave her a good retirement but not enough to support his spending habits and he does "con," her out of money constantly. She had credit card bills from him, for example, of 60,000 which she paid off with the proceeds of the sale of her mothers home, part of her inheritance.
No one in her family can get close to her while he is the wolf at the door unless he should get arrested. He tells her he is ill but nothing is ever diagnosed.
I could go on but I will not lay all of this out here.
I wanted to say thank you and any further help or information about how you dealt with it could be of great help.
thank you,
dancer

Lola,
I SO wish I could get them interested again! They need to come to that home and remove the children!
dancer

Anne, I'm in Arizona, and she's in Virginia.
dancer

Quote:

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Lola,
I SO wish I could get them interested again! They need to come to that home and remove the children!
dancer

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Dancer, where the children are at risk and the CPS authorities are slow with the pace to take action, perhaps, the extended family and trustworthy friends can pool their resources together. Can someone come and extend an invitation to the children for a sleepover, weekend visit, holiday etc, or even under any pretext, just to get them out of that very, very unsafe environment?

The children are my immediate concern here as they are the most vulnerable in this situation. Over and above your SIL. There is enough background to warrant action, any action for that matter, in this case. A man does not just happen to fall asleep naked next to a child. This is what bothers me. Immensely. Stranger as I am to the children.

Until removal of the children is taken, it might also be wise to advise your SIL to NEVER leave the children alone with the husband. Not even for a second of unsupervised moment.