Enough is Enough

Posted by: Katrinka

Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 01:28 AM

That has been my theme song lately. I finally got the courage to follow through. I'm shaking as I'm writing this. Last Friday, I kicked out my alcoholic, abusive husband. The night before, exploded over a conversation he initiated about driving the kids to school. I told him I didn't have a problem getting the kids to school, that I didn't realize that his driving them was a problem. Okay. End of discussion. Nope. He wouldn't accept my answer. Instead, he began belittling and criticizing me. He jumped from subject to subject, criticizing everything he could possible think of. It escalated from there. Two of my kids were home, and they saw the danger in the situation and got out, went to their friend's house. I started to leave but when I reached the car, husband tried to stop me. I backed away but he continued after me. He stopped. I went straight to the police station, but I sat outside for a while and didn't have the courage to go in. Later, safely at a friend's house, I called the police from there. They escorted me home so I could collect some belongings. Because he hadn't struck me, they couldn't remove him from the house, they told me. Husband was passed out drunk. They did give me information on domestic violence and filing a PFA.

This has been going on for 17 years. Husband was incarcerated in 2000, but I made the mistake of letting him back several months after he got out. What was keeping me from kicking him out all these years is money. I am not making enough money to support me and the kids. But last week I finally said enough is enough. I kicked him out. Told him if he didn't leave, I would file the PFA. I've been worried about how I'm going to pay the rent and the bills. He was a deadbeat, so the rent is two months behind and my gas is off, and the utilities are past due. I'm having faith. I passed him in the car yesterday, and I began shaking. I was panicky all day. I told myself to remember those physiological symptoms every time I get second thoughts. I was one of the lucky ones. I'm still alive and so are my kids. I'm able to breathe easier. He is getting pretty pissed off over my independence, and he is trying to thwart it. I will not let him this time.

And now that I wrote that, I have to stick to it. Thanks for letting me rant.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 01:46 AM

Katrina, I am so grateful you have chosen to make this move. I am also glad you can come here, post and commit to your post. Doesn't it feel good to write things down?

I know there are other women who frequent BWS who have left similar situations not knowing how they would make ends meet, but somehow they did and were able to make the break.

I'm praying other women will come in behind me and share their expereinces to give you hope.

Please know I just jotted down your name and will be adding you and your entire situation to my prayer list in the morning.

Thee cheers for your courage.
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 01:48 AM

Katrinka, I wish I knew what to say or do that could help. My heart aches with/for you in this situation. All I can do for now is carry you in my heart-prayer and let you know that I care.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 02:06 AM

Katrinka, if not already, please contact your local domestic violence shelter. Not only for support and counseling for you and the kids, but b/c they have resources (referrals) that to assist financially. For instance, can refer you to agencies to assist with rent, utilties, groceries, housing, etc. You may have to do the leg work, yet worth it. Also, the shelter may have (or refer) legal assistance/advice. Follow through and do not ever let him in your personal space, home, workplace, etc. If you move, have unlisted phone, number block, do not provide physical address, possible P.O. box if affordable, etc.

Push for child support and if possible, take advantage of the 'dead beat' parent laws (as applicable for your local gov't / state law).

Do not be afraid to accept assistance from others. Here's a link you may find useful:

http://www.womenslaw.org/PA/PA_statutes.htm

Good luck and please keep in touch and ask for any advice/support you may ever need here.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 11:52 AM

Thanks Eagle and Mustang.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/21/07 12:38 PM

Katrina,
While I don't have a similar experience to share, I do have a heart that has plenty of room for you and your family. I will be holding you close there. Please let us know how you are. Remember churches are around too as a resource for shelter, food, etc...and they love helping others! I wish you lived closer to me and I just bet other boomers here are thinking the same thing. We would surround you and help. For now, we will surround you with love.
Posted by: Katrinka

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/22/07 07:41 PM

Thank you all for your posts, for your love, for your prayers and support. It means so much to me. You will help me to stay strong, as I know there are going to be some tough times. Thank you, too for the resources, especially the link to the PA statutes. I've been procrastinating, but I do plan to get some counseling and legal help. I'm wondering, will the DV shelter only provide me with resources to obtain financial assistance if I file a PFA? So far, Ex (it feel so good to say that!) has been complying and does not come into the house. Tomorrow we are getting together "to talk" (his words). I'm still waiting for a portion of September's rent from him. I'm stressing about it already.

Again, thank you so much for all your support. Hugs to all!
Posted by: Edelweiss

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/22/07 07:53 PM

Just read this thread Katrinka. You'll make it! Yes you will! Congratulations to your first step of independence and taking control. It takes guts, but we are humans; not dogs that remain with their "masters" even when kicked around.
More power to you!
Hannelore
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/22/07 08:47 PM

Katrinka, if you want us to hold you accountabe to doing different tasks along this path, just say the word. We could act as your coaches. You can tell us what your next step is and we can make sure you get it done within a reasonable amount of time.

I've used coaches for business and it really works well. If I didn't ahve them breathing down my neck, I'd procrastinate even more.
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/25/07 09:35 AM

Make sure you never meet with him alone, only is a public place. Stay strong and I speak from experience that God will provide. He always does in one way or another.
Posted by: Dianne

Re: Enough is Enough - 09/25/07 02:36 PM

If you want to send me a private message with your address, I will send you a copy of my book.

Do this to help get rid of the financial stress. Think of the most awful and scary financial situation that might happen and write down the solutions. That way, you get it out of the way and also, the scenario you've worried about will most likely not happen but you're ready for it if it does. I know how awful it can be (long, sleepless nights) but it will work out. It takes more energy to stay in an abusive relationship than it does to leave. And yes, a shelter can help you find financial resources.