Difficult question

I received this question and it's a very difficult. What advice would you give?


I am 14 years old living with my younger brother at age 11 and my mom and dad. We moved into Canada 4 years ago and ever since then, my dad has been working labour jobs; way lower than his normal job before. 3 days ago, there was a message on the answering machine and I clicked on it to get it to stop beeping, I had not really listened to the message and had forgotten all about it later...until today when my dad found out it was his possible future boss calling about the application. My dad totally freaked out and he's been yelling at me about how this was this life dream and how I've ruined his career. He's also been punching, kicking, slapping and hitting me on the head every few hours (when he suddenly remembers) for almost two days already... My mom's trying to help me by calming my dad and pulling him away from hitting me. But late at night when I'm asleep in my room, he would slam the door open and yell at me and the same thing happens again. I told him I was sorry and was extremely sincere about it...I don't know what to do, and I wish this nightmare would just end already...this has never happened before and I would have never thought that my dad was this mean. I don't think I wantto live here anymore.

Dianne, you know more then I do about these things, but my first gut feeling was; is this girl exaggerating? Young teens do tend to dramatize.

But then again if she isn’t exaggerating, it’s her mother’s responsibility to tell the father to get his act together or move out.

Since the Mom isn’t doing that, then I would advise the girl to tell her mother if she doesn’t force her Dad to stop hitting her, then she’ll go to the police or to her school counsel, and report what’s happening to her.

I don't know why, but I find it hard to believe. Okay, maybe the father slapped her when he found out ( which is bad enough), but that he is supposedly continuously abusing her..., and has never done that before, sounds odd to me.

If its true, then the father was obviously acting out his own fruatrations over losing out on the job. AGAIN, if this is true, then the father and mother definitely have more problems on the table than just the loss of a job. I just bet there are many more things; debt, loss of dreams, hardships, maybe loss of home, etc...

I would advise this child to try very hard to talk to her/his Mother. Did I miss something? I didn't see that it was a girl. Anyway, if it continues, I would tell the teacher, another relative, or a preacher, another child's parent. SOMEBODY. That child, IF THIS IS TRUE, needs to get out of that environment. NOW. I don't know HOW you can verify this story, but I would try and find out more details, if you could.

Just my two cents worth.

Haneelore and JJ's advice seems solid to me.

Hi. I don't see how this is an exaggeration or fabrication. I assume Miss Dianne received this call for help on eadv.net. Where does it say the gender? I can see that someone would come to the breaking point, and take the frustrations out on the children. The father has focused all his disappointment onto this one item of contention, and has projected all his pain onto the child, as if it is the child's fault. No child would involve the police because the thought of being the cause of the break up of a family is worse than being the scapegoat of the family. If it is so tough on the family financially, then how could the mother move out with the child? Finances are the number one reason women stay in abusive relationships with their children. This is a furious father, taking it out on the child. My advice is to take this seriously before the abuse escalates.

You are assuming, just like we were assuming Princess. We don't have the details, and are just going on what Dianne gave us. We readily admit we are not qualified to say what to do, we're just giving opinions and discussing it. Not advice. Dianne is the expert here, trust me...we know this.

Some of us have never been around this type of behavior or experienced it. We are only answering the call for help...her question, how would you respond?.

Given the limited details, we're giving thoughts from the heart. Right or wrong? Only the outcome could tell that. I'm sure Dianne knows what she feels is the correct response, but maybe she just wanted more opinions on how a plea like this could be handled?

I just assumed it's a girl, because I think it's more likely that a girl would write a women inquiring about abuse.
Dianne how are you going to respond to her?

A difficult situation indeed, Dianne. Is there an open line of communication for you to respond to the child? Anyone the father would trust and listen to? Someone within close proximity who would personally know the dynamics of this child's family i.e. a friend or relative.

The question came from allexperts.com and it was a girl's name. I have to take it as the truth and just answer the question and not doubt the validity of the story.

I suggested that she talk to her dad and ask him exactly what she can do to be forgiven so he can move on. I didn't tell her to talk to a school counselor because I felt that would cause a police report and the arrest of her father and that was the last thing she needed to happen. But, I told her what he was doing was against the law and very wrong. Suggested a counselor for her and her mom or the family minister, if they had one, and asked her to stay in touch with me via personal email.

For future information, Dianne.

School personel are required to report all suspected cases of abuse to child protection agencies, not the police. The case is investigated and a child may be taken from the home if the investigation shows it could be a police matter. Generally, if a parent has not in reality abusing the child, the child returns home in a week or two. This procedure keeps the school a safe place for children to report. In most cases, school councelors, and other staff, tend to be fairly well trained to not over-react.

Of course, there are exceptions to the norm, and all schools pay for these exceptions, at the children's expense.

I hope she keeps in contact with you and that you are able to help her through this time.

Dianne, your ministry is so touching. Women who contact you are blessed that you are there for them. I hope this young gal keeps in touch. I beleive her story. Children turn to the internet for everything these days.

Wow! A parent abusing over and over for this missed call! This is serious. I hope the abuse stops before it escalates. At times the abuse extends to whom ever tries to make him come to his senses! Wife, and other family members!
Will the parent ever forgive? I pray he does.

Thanks ladies. It's a tough situation for sure.

Thanks for the school info, Anno. Also, since there is another child in the home (although not being abused) I feared if they removed this girl they would probably remove her brother as well. I don't believe this family needs anymore troubles. I too hope and pray that the father can offer forgiveness for everyone's sake.

Have you heard from her again? I think it's beautiful that kids come come to the internet for this type of help. However, I wonder how I would feel if my child meeded help and went to the interent instead of coming to hubby or I. I guess in some situations, it's the best help they can get. And there sure is lots of great help online, especially your ministry, Dianne.

Thanks Dots. No, I haven't heard from her again. Sometimes you just have to hope and pray because your hands are tied.

I guess that's the hard part. I guess it's like when women come here and share soemthing intimate, and then we never hear from them again.