Abusive Ex-Husband Dead

Posted by: Anonymous

Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/16/11 01:46 PM

My abusive ex-husband died on July 3, 2011.

I am informed and believe that in December 2010 he purchased a Smith & Wesson Model 10-6 4 inch barrel factory nickel finish Serial number 2D68XXX -- he posted such on the internet.

According to the obit, he died "unexpectedly" and "At his request, there will be no calling hours."

I can't help but wonder if he committed suicide. My sister thinks it may have been AIDS and for me to get tested.

In any event, I feel no remorse. He physically and emotionally tormented me for 15+ years. I will always have a scar from his abuse.

I also admit that I was a bit jeoulous of his passing b/c I immediately thought -- hey, he's made it to Heaven before me! How dare he!

May God forgive me for my ill feelings, I'd like to think that He knows my pain.
Posted by: jabber

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/16/11 03:09 PM

Sorry you experienced such abuse; and, don't beat yourself because you feel the way you do. That's the problem with being
human, sometimes our feelings don't line up with what we know is
right in our spirits. Many of us have been through difficulties
in life, so we understand where you're coming from. God bless; God is a great God and I believe He understands your pain.
Posted by: Anne HolmesAdministrator

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/16/11 09:44 PM

Hi Mustang,

I've been missing you and it's good to hear from you again, though I am sad about the circumstances.

My ex also abused me emotionally, and it took me quite awhile to recover my self esteem after the divorce. Once I did, I was sure I was totally "over" any caring I'd ever had for him.

However, when I found out he had cancer and again when he was within days of death, I found myself grieving for him. It was the darndest thing, as I'd thought I'd cried all the tears I would ever shed over the years we'd spent together. I'd thought I would feel nothing for him, ever again, but I found out it wasn't true.

In my case, I figured the unexpected emotions came because the kids were still so young (10 and 13), and Steve and I had to tell them of his death -- help them through their grief, and accompany them to the funeral.

God does know your pain and forgives you for your ill feelings. And now -- it seems to me -- you can be totally sure that your ex can never hurt you again. So you are freer and safer than you were before.

You are most likely correct that your ex died of a self-inflicted GSW. But if your sister has reasonable cause to suspect AIDS, you can certainly get yourself checked, just to ease your mind that all is well. (I say that only because if anyone were to put an idea like that into my head, I am sure I would not be able to release it until I had done my due diligence...)

It's good to hear from you again, Mustang. Hope the rest of your life is going well and that you are finding a new church and new friends in your new community.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/18/11 09:58 PM

Anne, thank you. I gathered some intel, that being:

"He had been missing for some time, had alcohol issues, and his family had been searching for him." Also, awaiting a toxicology report which will take at least another 12 weeks.

I wonder why a toxicology report is required? For drug overdose or abuse? Drugs, poison, alcohol of a lethal nature? Heart attack?
Posted by: Anne HolmesAdministrator

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/18/11 10:25 PM

Apparently toxicology reports are pretty standard in autopsies. Here's an article on it from Web MD which might answer some of your questions.

One point they make is that these reports take longer in real life than they do on the TV crime shows.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/19/11 09:59 PM

Thanks Anne!

I called my ex FIL and offered my condolences. He relayed the following:

"lost everything about 2 years ago, missing for 1.5 years, never called for help, homeless veteran, was walking with others along the highway and collapsed, cremated in Texas, military burial with 1st ex-wife (son and ex step-daughter) in attendance, had not seen his son in about 4 years."

My ex FIL says that he feels at peace because he no longer has to worry where he is, says "I now know where he is."

The NY family had posted missing posters in the San Antonio area.

My ex FIL says he's not seen his grandson (now 23) since he was 3 years old; however, I know that's not true -- he just may be forgetful and sad. He saw him as a teenager, which is a pretty long time, too.

My ex was such an abusive individual and an alcoholic.

He had a full military burial.

Can you imagine being a retired E-9 with full benefits and becoming homeless?

I've always known him to put himself first and overspend extravagantly. He got himself into a pickle and I imagine the creditors deducted from his military retirement pay and he had nothing else. He never reached out to his family for help.
Posted by: Anne HolmesAdministrator

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/19/11 10:21 PM

I'm glad you got some closure from your ex-FIL Mustang. Still, that is a really sad story. I understand your ex-FIL's point that he is now at peace, finally knowing where his son is.

We as a country really need to come to grips with the challenges our military and their families are facing. As you know, PTSD is a huge and growing problem.

Whether or not your ex suffered from that, he clearly was troubled and could have used the help he never reached out for.

Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/19/11 10:40 PM

Anne, he was so very abusive to me -- I will always have the physical and emotional scars.

Yet, I do feel some relief and guilt. Guilt b/c I so wanted to best him after all that abuse I endured.

My ex-FIL is a widow and lives with his 'girlfriend', together they are a great comfort. However, during this conversation she cursed at me and told me I'm the cause of all of my ex's problems. I know that's not true, he altered my life negatively as he did most people he encountered.

Thanks for letting me express my feelings.
Posted by: Anne HolmesAdministrator

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/19/11 11:54 PM

That's what we're here for, Mustang! Glad to lend an ear. Have you been riding lately? It might give you some comfort.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/21/11 06:41 PM

It's been hawt here! Triple digit hot!

Well, the above information was not enough for the legal eagle me. My ex-FIL is a nice man and means well, but does not always tell the truth and sugarcoats.

I called the police homicide officer who read the report to me. That being:

* Closed case for July 3, 2011
* officers were dispatched to hosptal
* EMS responded to hotel and transported and during transport he died before arrival
* EMS techs worked on him for 45 minutes
* Arrived deceased
* M.E. has performed autopsy, awaiting toxicology -- which is needed when cases of death is unknown
* Female woman was transported with him
* She was a partner of some sort
* She seemed heavily intoxicated and incoherent
* Had been living in a hotel for some time
* She was being treated as well
* She was either intoxicated or drugged or both
* He (ex-husband) had toxic congestion which is too much of anything and self-induced, in other words, he made that choice
* Appears on surface they (ex and unidentified female) had been partying together for quite some time

These are the facts. Not that he was walking along and collapsed on the side of the road. I did not want to feel sorry for him and needed the truth, that which is and is not.
Posted by: Anne HolmesAdministrator

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/21/11 06:55 PM

Good for you, Mustang! I am glad you got the truth, and have your answers. It's always better that way.
Posted by: Eagle Heart

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/22/11 11:26 AM

Mustang Gal, I'm so sorry to hear about your ex-husband's death and the pain it's causing. Grief can be so sneaky! It seems to be able to sneak in past all of our defenses and hit us when least expected. I hope and pray that as the days move you forward, you will find peace. I truly believe, more than ever, that every day that we wake up is a gift, and if we're still breathing, it's because we're meant to still be here because somebody somewhere needs the gift the we are/can be today...we might never know how our ripples of day-to-day life affect, impact and heal others, but I believe that we do make a difference in ways that we're often not aware of. All that to say, your life matters, and you're still here because your life still has purpose, even if you can't always see it (it's amazing how others can see the gift that we are even when we can't see it ourselves). As far as I can tell, the fact that you're still here (because your life still matters) means that you "won", because IMO, daring to live is much more of a gift to God and others than being dead before our journey is supposed to be finished. Live the gift!! That's our gift back to God, not living to die.
Posted by: orchid

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/24/11 02:37 AM

Actually..there is nothing but sorrow for someone who could have picked himself up and led a better life. But no.

I'm sorry Mustang that his death brought forth a flood of memories. But it's good that you have reconciled what you could for yourself and moved onward...
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/28/11 12:07 AM

Gods Blessing to you Mustang and hoping you remember only the good times after awhile.
Posted by: Anonymous

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 07/28/11 12:40 AM

Thank you ladies, your kind support is heart lifting.
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 08/04/11 09:11 PM

I have been hearing so much lately about bullying nd wonder if it doesn't carry over into adulthood and become domestic violence?
Posted by: jabber

Re: Abusive Ex-Husband Dead - 08/06/11 01:55 PM

I see how there could be a link, where bullying carries over into domestic violence. Never thought about it until you said something.

Of course in retrospect, no matter what anybody suffered in
childhood, it does not give them an excuse to abuse another