Is It Everywhere?

I've read about a lot of different kinds of abuse over the years. I've read a lot of the postings here about it also. What I guess I was surprised about was how much of it there is in our society. I know, I'm probably one of few who didn't know it was so widespread, however, it does surprise me.

I was recently chatting with a couple of friends - one from high school and one a best friend. I didn't know after all these years that my high school friend was from an abusive home. It was never discussed in school or through the years. Last week we were visiting on the phone and she told me how very bad it had been for her. Alcoholic father as well as a physical abuser. I felt so bad that we had never discussed this before.

I knew my best friend was from a home where her father molested her but I didn't know her father physically abused her mother.

I guess I wonder what can be done to make this unacceptable in our society.

Sadly, this is so widespread today, that we need to be on the lookout to not turn our eyes away when we see it.

We can help by respecting each other and teaching our young ones right and wrong. DV is a learned behavior.

Also, those who abuse unfortunately have leverage. For instance, should the victim accuse the abuser and not have evidence, then the victim can be sued! Can you imagine. Our society has not only become litigious, but safeguards the abuser while revictimizing the victim!

It makes me so mad to see on nearly every TV cop show, women being abused, beaten and tortured before being killed. I have stopped watching many of them as I believe they instigate much of the insanity we women must deal with.

You know, I agree with all of you. I think TV helps people get ideas of how to be violent. I don't watch any shows that are violent - can't sleep at night and it stays in your thoughts.

It's sad that our society has allowed this to happen. It's hard enough just getting by, however, when you have to take abuse from those who supposedly love you then the world becomes unbearable I would think.

It makes me appreciate my childhood home and family that I was so protected as to not know about it.

Sandpiper I dont watch violence either.A good dectective story solving the incident is enough for me..In fact one episode of Midsommer Murders showed a woman who was pushed into a huge tumble drier and that was enough for me...so I live in a make believe land where I watch the dectective but not ever violence..

We had a peaceful growing up where music figured and family gatherings..and plenty exercise playing games and walking

The statistics are staggering: 1 in 3 women are being abused and every NINE seconds a woman is assaulted. These are GLOBAL statistics (from the United Nations Report).

I don't have statistics on incest or rape; they have been with us since the beginning of time, also......

I survived a childhood of abuse and poverty.....in order to make a difference. I have been working so hard for so long......It is one of my passions to the message out there.

As the moderator of an abused survivors' group, I read the same, sad stories every day.

I've written a 25 page paper entitled: Society's Hidden Epidemic: Verbal Abuse: Precursor to Physical Violence and a Form of Biochemical Assault....may try to get it published.

One thing for sure. I will never....quit speaking up....and out....my goal is national tv.

Alice, how are your publications moving along?

Hi, Dotsie: I am in the process of getting quotes to get my poetry book (Sanctuary of the Soul) printed. Is that what you mean by "publications?"

I haven't submitted my paper on abuse yet, to the ACA.

Sandpiper, we did not talk about "it" and we kept our secrets for decades, and generations. It is good of you to listen to your friend and comfort her. The scars last forever. I have noticed an increase in conversations and information about domestic violence, child abuse etc since the internet and social networking sites. It's true that unless someone is convicted, you can't "name" him. The perpetrators of crime seem to have more rights than the victims.

You know PL it does seem like the perpetrators have more rights. It's a sad day to know the victim must prove their innocence. I'm flabbergasted to know so many people who have been the victims. You know I try to sit in my world with my rose colored glasses but usually they don't work. My heart aches for all those who've endured so much.
Mountain Ash I also don't like the shows on TV about violence - so it seems like there's nothing much offered that's not violent. It's a shame that this powerful medium is used so shabbily in portraying false reality.
Alice I wondered how you were doing in getting your information and story out into the public. There definitely needs to be someone to stand up and let others know you can survive and live a life after abuse.

(((Sandpiper)): I just keep on, keepin' on....writing to the media. Hopefully, I will be on The Factor/Bill O'Reilly....as his producer wrote to me.

Alice, I so hope you get on that show. Make sure you tell us if you do. Thanks to all those who give voice and hope to the victims who still haven't opened up.

Dotsie: You can be sure I will let you all know! If it doesn't happen, it won't be because I stopped trying.

I wonder if the deep depression I am beginning to sink into faster and faster each day is from a form of mental abuse? He is in such a bad mood, slamming doors, yelling at the dogs, giving me dirty looks and all because the weather is lousy and he feels like crap, and he hates Obama and so forth and so on, its always something. He is the worlds most negative human being and gets worse daqily. He thinks because he is here I should be happy to clean up after him. Oh, and he thinks my car is his car to drive because I work from home and don't drive it that often. The word "NO" really sets him off. If he keeps this up I may have to evict him bag and baggage which for him would be a catastrophe. Plus it scares me when he thinks he has nothing to live for or lose...

chatty, don't let the negativity wear off on you. Easier said than done. He needs to get a job so he isn't around the house that much. Again, easier said than done, right?

(((Chatty))): Of COURSE that is probably the reason you are feeling so depressed. Abuse wears you down and eats at you. Every time you feel stressed, your body releases cortisol....cortisol damages your immune system. I've never spoken with an abused woman who didn't have a myriad of physical problems...it is a wonder (LOL) that I am even alive after 36 years of abuse.

We are ALL responsible for our own behavior. He is a miserable person and takes it out on you.

He is (most likely) using emotional blackmail.....if you don't.....do whatever......I will...whatever. I know how guilt producing that is, but if someone is determined to do something, no one can stop them. Don't let him hold you hostage.

Your emotional and physical health are all you have.

Hugs, Alice

Chatty, you can not save the world. If you are that miserable, tell him about the YMCA and drive him there. If he says he is going to do himself in, tell him that's too bad because life sure is great; then drop him off.

He knows exactly what buttons to push and is using emotional blackmail to stay there. How long has this been going on? A long time...and he hasn't harmed himself yet. If he is helping pay the bills as you say, then that's one thing, but if he isn't...why is he there?

You are not responsible for another person's happiness. They are.

You guys are right and I know it. I will figure something out.
And thanks!

((( Chatty)))

Chatty, this has been going on for quite some time, so of course it is wearing on you. You have an authentic self that is not what he is placing upon you. You are better off taking in stray animals than that stray ex. He is toxic to your spiritual self. How can you have personal growth when he is creating the environment of toxicity? You are so important. You are losing your time on earth to him. You, you you dear know this. I know you know. Yes, haul his sorry a** to the YMCA. Free your self, your inner self. xxoo Lynn

Chatty, Enough is enough. He has no right to do this to you. You are enabling him. You know that. I agree with JJ. You were good enough to take him in and give him a roof over his useless head. I can understand you wanted to help him, but he doesn't appreciate it nor does he deserve your kindness. He's done nothing but expect you to take care of him. He's an ungrateful SOB. I'm surprised you're putting up with him yelling at the dogs. Pack up his stuff and put it by the door. Call him a cab and send him to the Y. If he threatens to do harm to himself that's his problem. You are not married to him anymore and you are not responsible for him or his happiness.

Las Vegas Rescue Mission - 46 beds for men:

http://www.vegasrescue.org/Services/Shelter

Or go to this link and scroll down for a list of shelters:

http://www.homelessshelterdirectory.org/cgi-bin/id/city.cgi?city=Las%20Vegas&state=NV

Chatty,
Starting now, you're going on my prayer list. That ex of yours
was supposed to move out by 1/1/10! Evict him; he's ruining your life and that's not fair. Take [care] of you; Chats that
was supposed to say "care"! Prayers and blessings,

Chatty...where are you and your ex now? Has he moved out yet?

He and I had a very loooong and serious talk and he is trying to do things the way I want him to. He has been giving me money every week from his unemployment to put away for him to buy a used car, it adds up fast that way because he can't hang on to a dime by himself. He also comes up with $700.00 once a month on the first for the space rent. He has been helping around the house, I haven't touched a dirty dishy in weeks. We split the grocery costs we share, or pay for our own stuff. We like different foods. Once he has his car he can then look for an apartment. You really can't get around in Vegas without a car. I am willing to be patient as long as he doesn't tick me off...
So far, so good!

Does Las Vegas not have public transportation? Does unemployment actually pay enough for him to give you $700 mth for rent and who is paying your fees for saving his money? Can he not open his own banking account?

Yes but we live way out and the bus stops a couple of miles from here. We actually have beautiful, modern buses but they are all around in the city, we are out of city limits.

He had a good job he lost and yes he gets a nice sum every month from unemployment, enough for the space rent, his food and to save for his car with pocket money to spend. He has his own bank accounts (2) but he can't or won't hang on to a dime long enough for them to add up. He hands me the cash and it goes into my safe. No fee's! Once he has enough for a good used car "WE" will go looking for one. I am going because he can't be trusted not to buy a clunker, or be talked into something he can't afford, thats why he lost his last car. The salesmen see him coming...

You know this sounds just like you. Helping others to get on with their lives. Chatty I've got to hand it to you - you're a good woman to allow your ex to live with you and help him find another place to live. Most people would just say, "Tough luck buster."
You know blessings follow those who help others.

Thank you Sandpiper, I could use some good luck about now.

I heard a panel of experts discussing Joran Vonder Sloot and they said he was your basic domestic violence perpatrator except he wasn't married yet. Thats just plain scary. I wonder what is mother thinks about having a son like that>>> I think I would walk away from him as there is no cure, he is a psycho!What do you think?

His Mother is walking away from him. The abusers I've seen recently, are such good liars that people in positions to help
the abused, don't because they're believing the lies of evildoers. Therefore, as Mustang said, the victim is revictimized and the abusers are bolstered to do more damage.

I could never stick by an abuser, son or no son. It would turn my stomach.

I agree!

His mom got $100,000. for that interview she did, where she
denounced Joran. Geese. The minute any news worthy stuff happens the sleezy media jumps on it, like a junkyard dog
on steak!

What? I hadn't heard that. Isn't it crazy to think of the money that people make for such ridiculous reasons, and then there are people who can't even get a job making minimum wage? Pathetic.

That whole family of Van Der Sloots is nuts and not ethical in any sense of the word.