Dee Dee Raap Dear Mom: Remembering, Celebrating, Healing

Coming in May:

Author Dee Dee Rapp
Dear Mom: Remembering, Celebrating, Healing

Dee Dee will be with us to discuss her book of letters to Mom.

Here's her message to you:

Happy May to Baby Boomer Women Everywhere!

I am thrilled to spend May with you as Dotsie’s featured author! We celebrate moms on Mother’s Day and I’d like to spend May with you to help you take a journey of remembering and celebrating your mother’s gifts.

I know firsthand the pain of sudden loss, and I know the joy of celebrating the gifts of the one we’ve lost. My mom died very suddenly, just before Christmas, in 1990. No goodbyes, no closure. On the ninth anniversary of her death, I saw Christmas tree ornaments she had made as “gifts” and wondered what I’d say to her if she were still alive.

Listening to a voice that encouraged me to go to my computer, I found my fingers writing “Dear Mom.” Tears flowed as words appeared on the screen. I wrote another letter, cried, laughed, and kept writing until late spring. Friends encouraged me to share the letters, and five years later, I published Dear Mom: Remembering, Celebrating, Healing.

Dear Mom offers heartfelt stories that guide a journey we’ll all take. First, writing letters that allow you to remember and celebrate a Mom’s life, what I call “narrative healing.” Second, identifying the gifts of every Mom’s life: the lessons and values that make us who we are today (including her plastic pink flamingoes!). Third, and maybe the best part, once claimed, consciously passing those gifts on to our children and grandchildren.

I was transformed by looking not at what I’d lost, but at the gifts Mom gave me. My thanks came in the form of letters nine years after Mom died. Don’t wait. May is a perfect month to honor your Mom for her gifts with flowers and letters. Write your mom a letter. Submit it via my web site www.DearMomBook.com and enter the Dear Mom Writing Contest. Whether your mom is alive or has passed on, you will benefit from writing a letter of thanks.

Coming May 1st.

You can order her book at her site, www.dearmombook.com

[ May 15, 2006, 10:33 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

Welcome Dee Dee. Seems like it took so long for this moment to arrive.

I lost my mom five years ago in March. What I liked most about reading your book is that it gave me time to reminisce about childhood events that I hadn't thought about i years. While reading your letters, my memory was jolted into remembering similar activities/stories from my childhood. I recognized so many similarities between our moms that I believe were generational issues.

Something you mentioned a few times was how your mom liked to watch the soaps. So did my mom. She watched Days of Our Lives. I never watched a single episode because I chose to be outside, but two of my sisters got hooked when they were teens.

Anyone still watch the soaps their moms watched?

Thanks Dotsie! May is here, and that means May Day baskets! One of my favorite memories of spring with Mom was creating May Day baskets. We made them out of the bottoms of milk cartons, decorated them and then filled them with prairie flowers. They made great gifts for my grade school teachers. At least I HOPE they were delighted! And May Day is a great day to begin the journey of sharing Dear Mom: Remembering, Celebrating, Healing, with Baby Boomer women!

Dear Mom is both a book and a journey. I hope you can take a moment and read the first chapeter on-line at www.DearMomBook.com. You'll quickly see it's a book of letters I wrote Mom after she died. I decided to share the letters because I was transformed by the healing I received from finding, finally, a way to say goodbye.

The Dear Mom "journey" is the gift the letters have been to me. Re-reading the letters for publication made me realize how many gifts Mom gave me, including traditions like May Day baskets. The journey is one of remembering and celebrating, and as I told a reporter today, all of that leads to a wonderful sense of healing for those of us who have lost our moms.

Do you remember special spring time traditions you enjoyed with your Mom? Do you carry on those traditions with your children and grandchildren? It's one of the best parts of the journey!

This post of yours rmeminds me of my Aunt LIbby. We stayed with her whenever Mom and Dad went away. She taught us to make the tissue paper flowers. I recall making a whole basket full of them for Mom while she and Dad were away.

Your stories always trigger something in me.

I've learned that there are many emotional "triggers" or prompts that allowed me to write the letters to Mom. One is today. It's Mom's birthday. She'd be 78 today. Remembering birthdays and other celebrations is a prompt I encourage people to use in journaling.

Dear Mom is like a journal, and the value of identifying and sharing stories is bigger than us. It's great for our children as well. One of my favorite stories Dad liked to tell was when my grandparents drove through a snow storm for my first birthday. The neighbor called to see who had died, because no one drove through snow storms on the prairie for the fun of it. Dad's reply was, "No one died, it's Dee Dee's first birthday!"

I kept journals for both of my daughters for many years. (OK, I'm a bit of a control freak. I figured if something happened to me, I wanted them to be able to get to know me from MY words, not someone else's!) One of the stories in Jessica's journal is about my dad driving in snow to come see her. I had called him, telling him she was having a bad day, and asked him come visit. He did. When Jess read my first birthday story in my book, and then read a very similar story in her journal, she realized the power of sharing our stories, and just how special grandparents can be.

It's the power of our stories, and it's what we remember, celebrate and pass on to our children and grandchildren. Any "Mom" birthday stories to share?

Dee Dee, welcome. You are like a breath of Spring air yourself. WELCOME!

My Mother is so unique to me. She's always had such a wonderful attitude about life and people, too. I'm sure she originated the phrase, "If you can't say something nice about somebody, then don't say anything at all!" She was also the one who coined, "Just wait till your Daddy gets home." That still makes me tremble!

One of our Springtime routines was to take a blanket out into the back yard and have a picnic. We would play games, fall asleep and nap, and just be. Sigh....

Her first name is Bettye...I call her "Saint Bettye" and if I want her to know it, I'll tell her myself, k?

She wakes up, and has for as long as I can remember, goes to the front door, slings it open and says in a loud voice, "MORNING WORLD!"

Don't you know the neighbors love her?

JJ

Thanks for sharing! Mom's name was Betty....so I love your mom's name! Her name was "Elizabeth." My three-week old granddaughter's name is Faith Elizabeth....and she is the oldest daughter, of the oldest daughter, of the oldest daughter, of the oldest daughter, of the oldest daughter...and all of us have "Elizabeth" in our names. So names are very special to me. When I have people named Betty in my seminars, I smile and think of Mom. It's an uncommon name, and one I hold very dear.

Mom would have been too shy to shout "Good morning!" to the world, but I've made up for it, and have found many opportunities in my life to say something to the world, usually in front of my daughters! What a great way to help them "appreciate" me!

JJ, I can still hear Mom saying, "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say it." I attended a heated three hour meeting for my daughter's school last night and some of the attendees must not have had mothers like ours. Phew!

My peonies are getting ready to bloom. Mom loved those flowers. I can't wait to cut some and bring that scent in our home that reminds me so much of Mom. I will be certain to take some to the cemetery for her.

I keep bragging on Saint Bettye, (forgive me) but she has taught me so many wonderful things about life. Her and my Daddy as well. I don't think I fully appreciated how MANY and what a positive impact they've had on my life until the last few years.

I think that is one reason I love what you're doing Dee Dee.

I've told others that I love my Mother so much, that sometimes it hurts. What hurts? The fear of losing her.

BUT....on the bright side I never miss an opportunity to tell her how much I adore her as my friend and Mother.

I always tell her she's the best Mother I've ever had.

JJ

Writing about the gifts from a mom is a very intimate journey, and I encourage women to take that journey with love, courage and gratitude. When Mom died, I could only look at what I'd lost. When I wrote the letters, I was able to look at what I'd been given. I received far more than I gave her, and I was transformed by the process. That, all by itself, was a wonderful gift!

As Mother's Day approaches, what gifts do you most want to thank your mother for giving you? What lessons did she teach you that you find yourself teaching your children and your grandchildren?

Today, when I yelled for my daughter to help me with something, my grandson gently tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Gumma, you need to be patience!" I think that's a phrase with a lesson in it from Mom, passed onto Gavin. And I'll be she's smiling at her Type AA daughter hearing that message from her grandson!

Dear Dee Dee,
Mother's Day is fast approaching. I have your book for my mom and my letter for her. Thanks for everything you have given me over the years.
Renee

When people ask me why I wrote "Dear Mom: Remembering, Celebrating, Healing," I tell them it was a gift I had to share. When they ask me h ow I did it, I tell them I borrowed courage from my friends. Lots of them. CatRenee is one of them.

I think every thing we tackle in life can somehow be less intimidating if we do it "together." At least that theory worked well with publishing. And with most other things in my life.

Dee Dee, I was reading thorugh an old journal for soem other work I'm doing and I came across a letter I had written to Mom. I immediately thought of you. It was fascinating to read how emotional the letter was. I had forgotten how wrapped up I was in her death at the time.

Is it difficult for you to read your book?

Re-reading the letters to turn them into a book was like going through the grieving process again. They are very emotional, and sometimes when I read them at book events, I still cry. Especially when the audience is in tears. But I also laugh a great deal..and that's the wonderful combination of emotions that readers share with me on this journey. We laugh and we cry. After all, our mothers did some crazy things....including mine, who decorated our northeastern South Dakota prairie yard with plastic pink flamingoes, when the native birds were ducks, geese and pheasants! I always wondered about that....and re-reading that letter makes me LOL.

Re-reading the letter about finally saying goodbye always makes me cry. As well as the letter about photos. A newspaper reporter who is writing a story about Mother's Day without mom asked me for a picture of Mom and me. I have vey few of those, because she didn't like being photographed. We have two family photos. I do have a photo, though, of my family standing beside her grave the day after we buried her. It was the hardest photo I've ever taken in my life.

I'm sure the tears make it more real for the poeple listening. I recall speaking at the expo and tearing up when I spoke of Mom. At first I felt foolish, then I decided it must have been okay because women approached me after the speech and thanked me (not for crying, but for my words).

When Mom died, it became important for me to have a picture of her with all five of us kids together. I found few. The one I chose to copy and give to my siblings is one of the her with all of us at Dutch Wonderland, a little amusement park that is still in Lancaster, MD. I'm looking at it as I type. It's in my office. She is grinning ear to ear as she sits with her baby on her lap and the rest of us surrounding her.

It never bothers me when people cry as they're speaking...it's one of the things I love about our President. We all cry, why should we hide it? It makes the person speaking more human and accessible.

[ May 11, 2006, 06:35 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]

I certainly did my fair share of crying and then some Sunday! It was the "trifecta" of emotions for me. Mother's Day (the first one with my book and my new granddaughter!), my 30th wedding anniversary, and my daughter's college graduation! The tears were good....and they're real. As I watched my daughter walk across the stage, I thought of my mom and dad, who would be so proud, and how she carries them with her in her heart, and how that makes her journey more complete.

Tears are good....they make a wonderful tribute to the one we miss!

Dee Dee,
Maybe I should get your book and that would help me heal . I lost my 94 year old mother this March5th an Mother's Day was so hard for me . I have my good days and bad and what I call my sad day . I cry sometimes and laugh at what mother said at time. Sometimes when I talk to my daughter I sound just like Mom.
Renee

[ May 17, 2006, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: Renee ]

The first Mother's Day without Mom is very difficult. I had several media interviews on that very topic because more and more of us face it every year.

Go to my web site (www.DearMomBook.com) and read the first chapter of the book. If you'd like my free e-letters, just e-mail me at DeeDee@DeeDeeRaap.com. I have six issues I can send you, and they might help you as well.

Healing is a journey, a very intimate journey. Writing letters to Mom gave me closure as I remembered so many little things about her that I missed. But it also gave me a way to find the things we have in common, and yes, as I tell my daughters, we do become our mothers! At least the good parts of them. (My recommendation is to take the best, leave the rest.)

You're right, we even sound like our mothers, which is one of the letters in my book. When I was a kid and got into trouble, which was more than once in a while, Mom would say, "Someday, your kids are going to do to you EXACTLY what you've done to me!" I said that wouldn't happen because first, I wasn't going to have kids, and second, if I did, they'd be angelic. Mom knew something I didn't know.....and I have said the same things to my daughters. It's one of my finer traditions!)

I'm not a counselor, just a woman sharing her journey, but I really believe in the power of taking the journey of remembering, celebrating and healing. Do you journal? I find it to be critical to my healing process, whatever I'm healing from.

Let me know if you'd like the Dear Mom E-Letters. And take care of you!

Dee Dee, congrats on such a big weekend. DId you have to travel for your graduation?

I was at my niece's graduation Tuesday. I couldn't hlep but hink about my MIL who would have been there with bells on if she was still with us. She just died this summer so it was tough.

My SIL was kind enough to mention her in the otast which brought tears to our eyes.

When another niece married, she hasd a special part in her ceremony to remember her grandmother.

Toasting those who came before us is a great way to pay tribute to their impact on our lives. So is telling their stories.

We went to Spokane for my daughter's graduation. Beautiful part of America...I'm glad we had the chances to get there several times to see her. I cried when she walked across the stage. I think that's what most Moms do when their kids graduate.

I was featured in a newspaper story on Mother's Day, and they wanted a picture of Mom and me. Do you have many pictures of just you and your mom? I have only a couple...one is my wedding day, another is when I was a state FHA officer in high school, and it was taken at the induction ceremony. That's it. Two photos of Mom and me. She did not like having her photo taken. I have made it a point now to take photos of me with my daughters, and I have one at graduation of me kissing my daughter. I wish I had a picture of Mom kissing me!

Wow, I don't know about the pictures of only Mom and me. We have such a big family. I think they're are few pictures of only two people. I'm going to have to go hunting for one. Now I'm curious...and sad because I can't think of one. Ouch.

We have been at a family wedding this weekend and it has been very weird. Mom has been gone five years and Dad is still here. But since this was an out of town wedding, Dad chose to stay home. He just wasn't up to it. It was the first time ever that we have attended a family wedding without both of our parents. I can't tell you I didn't like it. Dad was sorely missed but we believe he made the right decision. It would have been too much. I guess it's another part of growing up.

My Mother is the only reason Kodak is in business, I'm sure of it. When you're at her house, don't fall asleep on the couch with your mouth open. Click.... don't EVER go there without makeup, click... don't --- well, you get the picture (pun intended). We have literally thousands of pictures taken over our lifetime and where we use to gripe everythime she would pull out the brownie, the Kodak, and now the digital, we are SO grateful she did.

She also put the date of the pictures on the back of every single one, and who was in the picture. You think that doesn't matter until years later and you say, "Now is that Uncle Tom, or Uncle Bob in this one?" Turn it over, there it is. Uncle Tom, at Molly's house, December 1984.

She has taught us well. I have pictures of her, me, my oldest and his child. Four generations. I also have the same with my grandmother. I wouldn't give anything for those.

What I don't have, now that you've mentioned it, is one of just ME and Mom. I will correct that soon. Very Soon! Thanks for pointing it out.

JJ

I am gratful for all the photo that mother took and I have them all here in my house . When mother died I went through each one of the pictures and made me feel so good . Pictures of Easter and christmas and wedding and so on . Picture of old times with mother and dad and there parents . Makes you feel so warm inside even though they are not here anymore .

Renee

I did something yesterday I've never done before. I went to the cemetery where my parents are buried--alone. (They're buried in a small Lutheran Church cemetery on the prairie.) I sat on the tombstone in front of their graves and sort of "talked" to them. Dotsie, when your dad didn't come, you were probably feeling what I felt again Monday. They're both gone, and I still have things I want to talk with them about. I need their help on something, so I did just "talk" with them. It was a beautiful day on the prairie, and as I sat there, I listened to the grasses and leaves blowing in the wind and birds singing, and I thought of how many times I took the beauty of that life for granted as a kid. And how much we seem to always need our parents.

Dee Dee, I always go to the cemetery alone. I feel badly becasue my kids and hubby don't really go since I don't include them. But, it's so therapeutic to sit there and be able to focus on Everything Mom.