Taking Care of Mom

Ladies, here is an introduction to January's Featured Author. I hope some of you will purchase her book and join in the conversation when she joins us January 1st. It's a simple, practical read. I thought it would be appropriate since so many of us are caring for our aging parents.


TAKING CARE OF MOM: What I Learned That May Help You Help Your Aging Parent (ISBN: 0-595-32255-7)

About the Author: F. N. Rosenstock is a writer, editor, and public relations consultant. She was publishing a monthly magazine when circumstances compelled her to take care of her mother. For a long time, the demands of caregiving were in conflict with her publishing responsibilities. She chose to leave her job to care for her aging mother. She has no regrets.

TAKING CARE OF MOM What I Learned That May Help You Help Your Aging Parent is F. N. Rosenstock’s story of how her mother was abused in a nursing home, misdiagnosed by medical practitioners, and prescribed wrong medications. When she realized she had to take control of her mother’s healthcare and sort through the good and the bad, her life changed forever. This is unlike other books written about this subject because it is a realistic look at taking care of an aging parent authored by a hands-on, caregiving daughter, not a writer interviewing clinicians. No practitioners were interviewed! And, remember, taking care of an aging parent isn’t for wimps!

[ January 02, 2006, 11:29 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]

I look forward to her being here and I'm sure everyone else does too. It's truly a subject near and dear to so many of us. I'm sure Raven will want to join in on the discussions as well. Between the two of them, we can all learn a great deal, I'm sure!

JJ

Yes, I am looking forward to it. I read her book and it is very practical. I thought so much about taking care of mom...

Sounds interesting. I'll look for it over at Amazon.com, and try to be around Jan 1st.

She'll be here the whole month!

Dotsie,
I have been there and back with that . My mother has Alzheimers and is 94 yrs old and in a nursing home in DE . I just found out today that she is failing and sleeps a lot . So , we are all going to Delaware Jan 2nd to say to her what needs to be said whether she can hear me or not . I know I am running into trouble with the nursing home for they will not let me know when she dies , but I will take care of them later. There are Hippa laws that the chldren have rights.

Keep us in your prayers and peace for my mother.

Nancy, be sure to talk with her. My mom was on her death bed for days. Not talking, but I swear she could hear us. You're in my thoughts and prayers. I know this has been tough for you.

Nancy, I pray that you will have peace before you get there, and peace when you leave...((HUGS))

Hi Francyne, I look forward to having you in our midst this month. I hope you'll jump in and begin posting.

Ladies, FYI, Francyne continues to care for her mom. SHe is a full time caregiver.

Hi Everyone,

Dotsie, thank you for your introduction. As the title of my book states, I am taking care of Mom. For those of you who are also doing this, or have done this, you know things can change on a dime.

Friday morning, we were in the ER. Mom couldn't breathe. Thank heavens, it wasn't serious enough to admit her.

We had a great New Year's Eve watching Dick CLark and a quiet New Year's day.

I look forward to sharing my continued experiences with all of you. It's an on-going learning lesson for me.

Happy New Year, Francyne

Welcome Francyne,
Glad to have you here.

FN, I've read your book and am amazed that you left your life's work to care for an aging parent around the clock. Do you mind telling us how you made that decision?

I have a friend who has done the same. She is renting her home so she could move in with her parent. I admire both of you.

Actually, I took a graceful step to the side.

I was publishing a magazine and left that position to care for my mother. Then I worked as an editor of a trade magazine for several years which I did from my home office. I left that at the end of September.

Now, I have returned to my original career as a freelance writer which I also do from my home office. It's a lot less stressful. No responsibilities except making deadlines. It also gives me more time to spen with my mother.

Taking care of my mother is my full-time job. Writing is my part-time job.

[ January 02, 2006, 08:44 PM: Message edited by: F N Rosenstock ]

Welcome Francyne I admire what you are doing for your mom. Too many elderly parents get filed away in Nursing homes when it gets to be too much trouble for the kid or kids to deal with...

Welcome,Francyne.

I am an admirer of caretakers also. I didn't take care of my Mother, tho' - she died in a car accident. But I took care of my child for many years....one job that has the reward of lasting love, and not a gold watch! (or a very big paycheck, either!)

Searcher

Good morning. An hour ago (6:30 am EST) I returned from spending the night in the ER with my mother. She's sleeping. I'm working (for as long as I can last) and taking care of her.

I'll check in later if I can. If not, see you tomorrow!

[ January 03, 2006, 09:13 AM: Message edited by: F N Rosenstock ]

Sorry to hear about all the trips to the ER. Is this common with your mom's illness?

F N, in your book you write:

"I had rescued my mother from the claws of death in the guise of a nursing home."

That is a strong statement. Please tell us if you believe this about all nursing homes.

I know a dear woman nurse who works in a nursing home and she adores her patients. She treats them like family.

Good morning,

Mea culpa for not posting yesterday. I was without help and Mom wasn't doing well. Things resolved last night and this morning, she's doing much better. As a full-time caregiver, my life revolves around hers and when she's ill, my world stops.

Mom doesn't have an illness. I had a caregiver who told me she had allergies when, in reality, she had a sore throat. For Mom and other aging people who are not as robust as we are, this can be a disaster. I reacted quickly to keep her out of the hospital.

I know I made a strong statement about the nursing home in the book and I stand by it. When I wrote the book, it was based on my experiences.

Since writing the book, I have heard horror stories from others that would make your hair stand on end, so I now take the liberty of adding to my prior statement: I think all nursing homes should be closed! There is no purpose for them.

Terminally ill people can get hospice services which I understand is excellent. People like my mother should be able to stay in their own homes or live with their families. One of the main roadblocks for that is Medicare. It's time to revise the progam so we can take care of our parents.

Briefly, Medicare was established in 1965 to pay for catastrophic illness. (You could still go to a doctor for $20 in those days!)

Medicine has changed. It's more preventative now, yet Medicare has not changed with the times. One of the issues is home care.

I pay for my caregiver out of pocket. Medicare should help pay for home care because it's more cost-effective for me to take care of my mother at home than if she was in a nursing home.

I'm very fortunate. I can work at home. If I had to work in an office, I don't know what I'd do because I can't afford full-time care for her. (My mother is not ambulatory and I can't leave her alone.) If Medicare helped pay for caregiver costs, I think more people would take in their family members.

[ January 05, 2006, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: F N Rosenstock ]

F N,
I almost agree with you 100% as I've had the nursing home experience with Daddy. If you've been there, you understand where you are coming from. I know I do. But then I think of the people who have no one to care for them. Who would see to their needs? Even for inhome care...

One point you made without directly stating it is that NO ONE will take as good a care of our loved ones as WE would do. There is something wrong with the system when we cannot afford to either stay home and take care of a loved one, or have to pay out of pocket to have someone come in and do it. I agree with you there, 100%. If we could have, Daddy would have NEVER left his home. Medicare is not listening.

JJ

We have had some minor experiences with nursing homes over the past 5 years.
Most recently was when my mother needed one for rehab after a hospital stay, when she couldn't walk on her own.
We didn't have time to research, so we chose 2 of 3 we knew of with good reputations. We lucked out & got our first choice---and it turns out the location was highly rated, despite what it looks like from the outside!
My mom had very good care & it helped eased my nerves. Of course the thought of having to put her in a home permanently would be another story.

My cousin lost her father, who had been taking care of her mom with MS. She moved back home & had to eventually hire someone to come take care of her mom while she was at work. My aunt fell & broke her ankle. The hospital wouldn't allow her to go home--and made her be released to a nursing home. (I believe they were going to get social services involved if my cousin didn't agree to this--NOT THAT ANYTHING WAS GOING ON!!)

The first nursing home my cousin chose, again without having time to research, was near her home.
We went to visit my aunt & I couldn't believe it.
I was very upset that my aunt was of sound mind, and would have to spend the rest of her life in a place like that!
She had BRAIN CANCER---had a seizure--and her left side was slightly paralized. Nobody notified my cousin!
Of course my cousin got her out of there--this all happened within the 2 weeks she was there.
The next place was wonderful! They were the ones who discovered the brain cancer--and began to give her the proper care she should have had from the moment she had the seizure!
My aunt didn't last long after being diognosed, but the nursing home was wonderful during that time.

So I have witnessed some good and some bad....and it worries me to death about my mom later on. We plan on taking care of her at home---I am already staying at home to take care of her now.

With my grandmother, we all knew when it was her time, she'd just go peacefully. And she did. We are hoping my mom will be able to do the same.

Medicaid is another evil in my life!!! You'd think they'd jump at a chance to save money! It is a dirty word in this house--that's another topic!!!

I fully understand being a caregiver.
What upsets me abit....is I am learning how to be a caregiver on this site because of others.

I am having a rough time of it right now because of my grandmother passing away at Thanksgiving. I have been turning my emotions off---and not wanting to go near any post involving real feelings.

I am thinking of you all.

KayB, I so understand exactly what you are saying about turning off your emotions, and this makes you very human. I did the same thing, and just had this VERY discussion today with a friend. I told her that the memories of it all were so painful for me, that I cannot get involved right now with other areas of caregiving.

I know I could write things about caregiving, do volunteer work, speeches, and the like, but my heart won't allow it. Not now. So, believe me, I understand. My best to you in your own healing from the loss of your sweet grandmother, and my prayers are with you in your caregiving role as life moves on. I'm here if you ever need me!

JJ

quote:

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I pay for my caregiver out of pocket. Medicare should help pay for home care because it's more cost-effective for me to take care of my mother at home than if she was in a nursing home.

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Amen to that. The system is broken and getting brokener. Just look at this new so-called Drug Benefit. What a nightmare. I mean, I'm taking care of it all for my Dad, but I've seen elderly people on TV in tears trying to figure it out by themselves.

I now have a full-time caregiver for my Dad, and he's doing pretty well, thank the Lord. He'll be 80 in a couple of months. He's had cancer, which is now in remission, and we've had some rough times in the past year. A change of doctors helped tremendously. I'm so glad I did that.

Hugs to all caregivers. Talk about your thankless jobs. Yet I believe it's more than an obligation and duty. To me, it's a sacred trust. They took care of us (as best they could). They should not be shunted off somewhere in holding cells to die, and in my personal opinion that is the function of most nursing homes.

It has been my personal observation that most nursing homes are underfunded and understaffed, and the staff they have is mainly in survival mode, just trying to get through the day in a rather depressing job. That's what I've seen anyway. I wouldn't want to die there, and I won't put my Dad there.

There are exception. There are private nursing facilities that are well staffed by caring, upbeat people, and they are sparkling clean and decorated like 4 and 5 star hotels. But they cost. Oh boy do they cost.