Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife

Posted by: Dotsie

Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 03:39 AM

Ladies, I want to introduce Daphne Steven to you. She has posted in our forums in the past, but it's been some time. Since I read her book, Watercolor Bedroom: Creating a Soulful Midlife, I've wanted to invite her aboard. I thought the holiday season might be a good time for her to be among us. In addition to chatting about her book she can help keep us sane during the holiday season.

Here's some information about Daphne and her book. I hope you'll come back and converse with her soon.

Daphne’s a psychotherapist and life coach who has written extensively on feminine spirituality. In her book she shares a peek into her life as wife, friend, mother, daughter, and grandmother. You’ll see yourself among the pages and embrace her spirit for life. The Questions for Reflection at the end of each chapter were most helpful. Thanks to Daphne I learned things about myself that have been waiting to be discovered for years. I guess I’m glad for my new discoveries. Some hurt, but it’s still a good thing.

Daphne will help us have a stress free holiday season and teach us how to care for ourselves.

www.daphnestevens.com Visit her site if you’re interested in ordering her book.

Continue reading to learn more about her book.

Midlife is an invitation to move into the center of life. More than a transition, it is a time of deep initiation, of claiming our wisdom, and of stepping into our authority as co-creators of our lives and shapers of the world. In fifty-two short chapters, Daphne Stevens offers pithy insights about coming of age, letting go of the things that no longer serve us, and creating a vision for the second half of our lives. Through Daphne's personal story, glimpses drawn from mythology and religion, and suggestions for self-exploration and journaling, this book will encourage and companion you in embracing the grand adventure of midlife.

"I wish I could spirit my way into every home and place this book onto the table. In Dr. Stevens' presence, the soul breathes more spaciously. We touch the deeper mysteries of everyday experience, see our own problems in a friendlier light, and find the gentle comfort that only her Watercolor Bedroom can offer."

--Dianne Skafte, Ph.D.
Listening to the Oracle (HarperSanFrancisco)
Depth Psychology Chair (retired), Pacifica Graduate Institute

"What a delightful, personal, nurturing peek into one woman's journey of creating a life that fits for her—a truly comforting, wise Grandmother God life. A blend of A Room of One's Own and The Woman's Comfort Book. I enjoyed it immensely."
--Jennifer Louden
Comfort Secrets for Busy Women (HarperSanFrancisco)
creator, www.comfort queen.com

"Daphne Stevens' wisdom echoes long after reading this book. Like a pioneer, she has mapped a new journey into midlife for women—one of adventure, hope, and self-renewal."
--Lisa Groen Braner
The Mother's Book of Well-Being (Conari Press)
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 03:57 AM

Hello ladies,

First, Dotsie, thanks much for your introduction, and for the honor of being your holiday Featured Author. It's always fun to hear what your forum participants are thinking, and I'll look forward to exploring any issues that come up in response to the holidays, my book, midlife--or most anything else for that matter.

Let's hear it for staying sane in December!

Daphne
Posted by: smilinize

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 04:34 AM

I for one can use all the help we can get with sanity this month.
Any special tips for midlife Christmasing. Like, how does it differ from previous Christmases? Socially, financially, hormonally, and other ways?
smile
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 11:16 AM

I enjoyed your web site! A great thing for women to share history through theatre--and you have great variety of production choices too.

How does midlife Christmasing differ from other times? As the "sandwich generation," we're sometimes challenged to take on more. We're less energetic than we were in our twenties and thirties--and we often have symptoms of menopause like "cottonhead" and depression and fatigue and so on. Since our financial resources are often greater, we're sometimes expected to do more, too. But our salvation is this: We're also more mature in our thinking. We can say "Enough! Let's make some conscious choices this year." Or, at least, "I'm making sane choices this year for myself."

I personally decide each year how I'll celebrate Advent, since that's my tradition. Some of it is overtly spiritual, like going to church Sundays and walking and meditating in the mornings. Some of it is just taking better care of myself: One year I scheduled regular massages in December. Another year I avoided eating sugar between Thanksgiving and Christmas (hard to do during the Eating Season--but I sure felt better that year.) This year, I got my gifts bought and wrapped by Thanksgiving Day, so I'm avoiding trips to the mall. Just making a choice every year helps me stay out of the holiday "autopilot" mode.

At midlife we're hopefully less prone to get into competitions about who can cook the most or decorate the best or whatever else. Some years we do the whole baking thing--it's fun to make gingerbread houses with grandchildren--but we do it because it's fun, and not because we have to. Other years, we might decide not to do a particular thing. (Decorating a Christmas tree might be mandatory when we have kids at home, but not so important when we're in midlife.)

But I'm curious about how other people cope. What do you do to stay low-key during the holidays?
Posted by: Pam Kimmell

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 01:50 PM

Hi Daphne - it's nice to have you here! To answer the question about mid-life and the holidays....just in the last couple of years have I accepted that I don't have the energy I had when I was younger and I've slowed myself down. No more frantic last minute shopping; no more cooking huge meals with 7 different vegetables and two or three entrees. NOPE! I've cut back and decided to really enjoy the holiday spirit. I let people bring a dish along when they come for a large group meal here, and like you have done I've shopped earlier so I'm not out in the crowds.

I'm still doing all the things I've always done - but I've "scaled back"....now it seems I have more time to really ENJOY the holidays! [Big Grin]
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 03:54 PM

Welcome! I think having you here with us this month is going to be so enlightening and I'm really excited about you joining us.

I like everything you describe for your idea of a relaxing and enjoyable Christmas, but I have to say that for some of us, some of the things you've offered are not possible....what then? I know I cannot go out and buy everything ahead of schedule, for instance. I've tried buying through out the year and I felt this lack of joy when buying something. It's kind of hard to think "christmas" in June...

Of course I think you're saying we should make our own choices and ones that enhance our enjoyment of the holidays, and don't give in to the ones that we did in the past, the ones that were forced upon us....and this is all great, but sometimes outside factors dictate or limit us. Like time, money...just for starters.

I guess I'm playing the devil's advocate here...

your thoughts?

JJ
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 03:56 PM

p.s. What's "cottonhead?" Is that where we eat our young? If so, I'm all for it...

Am I going thru menopause? Why yes, how did you know?

JJ
Posted by: Sher

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 04:25 PM

You know, I remember thinking in my twenties that going through menopause would be wonderful. Putting a stop to periods would be worth anything I had to go through, I reasoned.

And now here I am at forty, in what the doctor lovingly calls premature ovarian failure, feeling like "old age" has just been dumped in my lap. I'm not very excited about the whole thing.

So much of who I am has been called into question since this diagnosis. Not by anyone on the ouside, but by me. Every day that I swallow my estrogen with my morning coffee, I'm reminded that I'm different now. And I haven't yet determined exactly what that is going to mean.

It's hard to do this with a ten-year-old at home. We've had to have discussions about hormones and moods and I hate it. I chart my moods, my hot flashes, my appetite and everything in between so that I can begin to control this thing somehow. When I notice that I have had a wonderful day, with clear thinking and no evil mood swings, I feel so thankful I can't even tell you.

I surely didn't mean to vent here. I guess I'm sort of tired of pretending like this is ok with me, when it's not ok with me at all. Even though I have to put on this show for everyone in my life, I know I'm safe here to be honest.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 06:28 PM

Pam--I've done the same thing. I rarely cook a full meal during the holidays, unless it's something that can be thrown in the crock-pot. Then I send my husband or one of the kids out for salad stuff and pull out some bread from the freezer to make a meal.

One of my clients had her kids sign up for what they wanted to cook this Thanksgiving. She bought the groceries, and they all gathered in the kitchen Thursday morning. The all had a great time, and she didn't feel exhausted at the end of the day.

JJ--thanks for playing devil's advocate. (As I recall, you're a Georgia girl, too, and we truth-telling Southerners have to keep eachother in line.) I myself get tired of "experts" making glib suggestions about how to have a stress-free holiday. They probably have a big staff or lots of money to execute their ideas--I don't, although I have a husband who cooks, and I have more time than I did when I was younger.

I've tried it all--buying Christmas in June (less than inspired, and at this stage of life, I forget what I've bought and end up buying twice!), fighting the crowds in one massive December shopping trip one year, and doing it in November like we did last month. The point is not to go on autopilot. Autopilot--that numb, duty-bound trudging forward that turns us into exhausted victims--is a significant symptom of burnout. And when we get burned out, we get sick, physically and/or mentally. At the very least we get just plain resentful. It feeds into menopausal symptoms, including "cottonhead," which is Marian McCain's (author of Elderwoman) word--that confused, disoriented sense of overwhelm that is characteristic of PMS and midlife.

You're right--we can't re-do November. But we can check in with ourselves day by day. This week I've decided to scratch going to a midweek party that seemed like an option a month ago. I'm just too tired after the weekend--and determined to get rested up for a full weekend coming up. I'm re-focusing on the reality that mine is not a cookie-cutter family, and we don't have to do things the same way every year. (In fact, my mother is in the severe stage of Alzheimer's, so my family of origin is pulling together in more real ways than in our "cookie cutter days.") The "But we've done it this way every year!" syndrome is draining--every Christmas is different.

The other thing that helps me is to schedule some time--my work allows me to take a week--after Christmas to recover. During that week, my husband and I take naps, go to the movies, read, and do what's pleasurable. Just anticipating that break ahead can get me through some hectic days. But you're right, JJ--not everything works for everybody.

Sher--Premature ovarian syndrome must be hard. It's struggle enough to be around fifty and dealing with teenagers and menopause symptoms. When were you diagnosed? I hope you're getting the support you need to deal with whatever grief that's there. It's an insult to gulp hormones so early--yet it forces the issue of learning to honor the body and listen to yourself day by day. Menopause requires that we spin a cocoon in order to undergo the transformation of this time of life. That's real hard when you're still facing the demands of school functions, driving children to meet appointments, etc.--and especially hard if you're daughter is getting into puberty herself. I hope you're able to enlist some support and just let this year be what it wants to be. Glad you're in this particular group.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 07:28 PM

Is this woman a blessing or what? I for one am so thankful you are here. I see that you completely understand where we're coming from and that helps so much when reading your explanations.

Thanks for being here and just fyi...I'm from Alabama, my real name is Georgia and I think people just get that confused. No prob....Southern is Southern, am I right?

I think what you do after the holidays is absolutely wonderful. I dream of doing things like that. But when you are a single-income family, it's tuff to do without a week's pay...however, you have inspired me to do two things...

1) Read your book
2) Make a new goal for next year of a week off after the holidays. I will have to prepare for it, but it is VERY do-able (is that a word?). I can't think of a better way to start off the new year!

Okay, so keep posting. I'm listening...I'm listening!

JJ
Posted by: Evie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 09:16 PM

quote:
Originally posted by jawjaw:

Thanks for being here and just fyi...I'm from Alabama, my real name is Georgia and I think people just get that confused. No prob....Southern is Southern, am I right?


BAHAHAHA!!! mid-life women get confused???? say it ain't so [Razz] [Razz]

On a more serious note, I so needed to read these posts today after going to bed feeling sorry for myself last night because I was the only one still up watching the end of "Christmas Vacation", I still don't have the Christmas cards or newsletter done, I only got two parcels ready to send and have to get out another one and I'm REALLY TIRED and don't feel like it!!!!!!!

There, glad I got that whine off my chest [Smile] You know I managed to get presents bought and wrapped very early this year, so I thought I was ahead of the game until last night...

Just reading everyone's thoughts is helping me to feel better [Smile]

OK just read the above sentence and need to clarify - "just reading what everyone has posted..." - I can't really read your thoughts...... [Razz]
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 10:47 PM

Oh, JJ--I just had to go out and look at my license plate. . I thought for a minute I had been in a different state all my life--or maybe I had taken a wrong turn on the way home from work and ended up in Alabama or something.

Sounds great to plan toward a holiday vacation next year, especially if you're a single-income household. Some times I survive hard weeks just thinking ahead to the luxuriously leisure days of a vacation ahead.

Christmas cards? Newsletter? What are they? In recent years, I've done well to keep a supply of Christmas cards on hand so that I can dash off a note to the sweet people who continue to keep me on their card list. I can usually set aside an hour or so on Sunday afternoons to read through their notes and write something in response.

I send birthday cards through the year instead of worrying about Christmas cards too much. It feels more personal than doing a whole batch of cards in December, and I think people appreciate being remembered. I have a birthday in January--usually very bleak weather, even here in Jaw-Jaw. It's always a lift to get mail besides Christmas bills. .
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/06/04 11:36 PM

Do you think we could have been separated at birth? My b/day is in Jan as well.

JJ
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/07/04 02:39 AM

Oh, I'm sure we're sisters--we're both so wise and witty. . .Do you come from a family reminiscent of Flannery O'Conner characters, too?
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/07/04 03:28 PM

Without giving away the entire chapters on this, could you tell us more about creating a vision for the rest of your life? I simply can't wait to get my hands on the book itself...but in the meantime, can you wet our appetites?

JJ
Posted by: TVC15

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/07/04 04:21 PM

I thought I was the only one feeling like this! It's good to know that there are others out there with my same attitude! And a book too! We had 2 really bad christmas's in a row and I think I am trying to overcompensate this year to make it a good one but I am totally exhausted and losing steam as I go along. (Partly age, partly getting over some flu bug) Thank you for being here Daphne, I need all the help I can get!
Robin
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/07/04 05:57 PM

Yes! On creating a vision:

Carl Jung said that people are not very interesting until they reach the second half of life. (I'm freely paraphrasing Jung, but that's the essence of it). In life's second half, we begin to turn away from our preoccupation with the outer world. We begin to turn inward toward exploring our true self and what lies beyond.

For some people this means winding down--slowing into semi-retirement, turning from intense physical activity toward more meditative pursuits. It means becoming aware of physical changes--the growing infirmity of our bodies, the illness and death of our parents, etc.

For other people, this means having time to take on physical challenges. In my chapter on Creating a Vision, I describe my friend Heather, who built her own house after a traumatic divorce--a new house, created just for herself.

Midlife is like that. We "build a new house." I describe it as a "watercolor bedroom," a place of retreat and solace and exploration. Heather literally created a new place to live. But any way that we do it, a "new house," in dream language, means a new manifestation of the Self--of ourselves, in the ultimate sense of who we are.

Creating a vision can mean a lot of things. But it means getting energized about who we are and what we want and how we envision living, now that we're not preoccupied with having children and writing resumes and building nests to accommodate spouses.

I'm curious about what kinds of visions some of you have. What would you like to experience in the next 10--or 20--or 30 years?
Posted by: chickadee

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/07/04 07:53 PM

Hi Daphne,

I am happy to see you here. Enjoyed visiting your site. I will be reading your book as it is at the top of my kind of read list. Thank you for making that possible.
I am taking this opportunity to reply to your vision question and *** Note to self*** bookmark and check back here periodically.

Keep my Faith – Become a better person
Keep my Health – eat right, exercise and think positive
Continue to Volunteer - make good changes in someone's life
Settle in Tennessee and have Permanent Roots - In Oklahoma now
Have MOH retire early – so we can enjoy each other more
Daughters and son within walking distance – all in Canada now
Watch grandchildren grow and graduate – (maybe live long enough to see their offspring)
Publish a book – The one I'm working on right now
Have a Llama, an Emu, and a peacock – just fer lookin at ( kitties and puppies too)
Have a well visited interesting website – The one I'm working on right now
Plan my “permanent roots” garden – I have planted everywhere through out the years
Open a “My Grand-Baby” store – so I can converse with grannies and babies every day
Open a “Permanent Roots” nursery – I love gardening
Have a vegetable garden – enough for the winter and to give to others
Have a Best friend to tell it all to – and be hers vice-versa
Learn to play the fiddle and the banjo – then teach it to my grandkids

All Do-able

Time frame: Today – ( leave blank )

I am anxious to read others.
Posted by: chickadee

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 08:01 AM

Oh yeah!
AND QUIT SMOKING -
I'm at a pack a day: mad: [Mad] [Mad]
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 08:24 AM

Daphne, it's so good to have you here. You are so wise and welcoming.

Ladies, you can get her book at www.daphnestevens.com

I have lots to post because I've already read the book, plus I want to add my two cents to all that has already been posted.

I'm a firm believer in creating a soulful midlife. We are older and wiser, better in touch with who we are, and hopefully... finished with the "shoulds" in life.

For years I've attended prayer groups, retreats, Women of Faith Conferences and the like. By the grace of God I left one retreat with a golden nugget, to commit to reading the Bible and journaling every day. I get in about 5 days a week. This habit has help chang my life. [Wink]

I've considered myself a faithful person since we recommitted our lives to Christ about 20 years ago, but it wasn't until the golden nugget, that I make revelations about myself daily. Some hurt, some heal, and many transcend!

I was grateful to read Daphne's book and discover how she and other women are choosing to create soulful lives.

Ladies, get the book. You'll relate to her stories. You'll also enjoy answering her questions for reflection at the end of each little chapter. It's the kind of book you can pick up and read anytime. Lots of little bits of wisdom tucked away for women at midlife!

Also, I'm excited for next month when Prill Boyle will be in here. She's the author of Defying Gravity: A Celebration of Late-Blooming Women. Her book shares the stories of 10 (I think it's 10) women who made huge changes in their lives at midlife. It's so inspirational.

Remember, the bigger the dream, the bigger the dream come true!

[ December 07, 2004, 01:17 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]
Posted by: Vicki M. Taylor

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 12:24 AM

Welcome, Daphne. What a wonderful start you've made to your month. Truly inspiring.

I've thought about your question about our visions and I too have transformed my "would like to do's" into visions of "will do's"

I will organize my office so I can feel inspiration wash over me as I sit down at my computer to write each day.

I will remove all boxes and "stuff" from my bedroom so that it feels more like a retreat instead of a storeroom.

I will continue to write my books so that others can read the words that bubble up from inside of me onto my pages everyday.

I will sort through the clutter of my life and downsize my "must have's" so that my children won't have to be burdened with my mess after I pass on.

I will appreciate my husband more and work on ways we can spend more time together by contributing to our financial independence.

I will find more ways to communicate with my children and help them to grow and mature as they develop their own lives with their families.

I will welcome any grandchildren my children see fit to bequeath me (grin) with open arms and open mind.

I will take lessons from my dog and learn to love everyone as unconditionally as he does.

I will listen to my spirit more and my negative thoughts less.

[ December 07, 2004, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Vicki M. Taylor ]
Posted by: Dian

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 01:15 AM

Welcome, Daphne.

I'm eager to read your book. Many life changes have happened this last year and as I go on I need to get "centered."

The term, Soulful Midlife, is a great mantra to repeat in one's mind.

Looking forward to more of your thoughts.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 04:04 AM

JJ--I responded to your question this morning, and for some reason it didn't post right.
Here's a recap: Carl Jung said that people don't really get interesting until the second half of their lives. As we gradually turn away from raising kids and writing resumes and turn inward to know ourselves better, we step into what I call our "birthright," becoming more and more who we were created to be.
For some of us, the turn inward means getting more introspective and meditative. Coming to terms with our physical limitations, paradoxically, frees us to think about who we are beyond our roles as mothers and wives and professionals and all the other roles the world assigns us.
For others, the shift means taking the time to be adventurous in new ways in the world. Taking trips, taking up new hobbies, changing professions, etc., all represent living into a vision for the second half of life.
In my book, I talk about my friend Heather, who built a house in response to a traumatic mid-life divorce. Heather literally built new living space for herself. I call my own space my "watercolor bedroom" where I incubate dreams and cocoon in comforting space. There are lots of ways to create a vision--or to be claimed by a vision, as I put it in my book.
Hope this one posts! A good question. I'm interested in how others have created or lived into a vision for the second half of life. What do you hope to be doing? How do you envision living? What are your dreams for the future?
And how has your life already changed? What visions have you already realized as a midlife woman?
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 04:32 AM

Well, DUH! Cottonhead strikes again--I re-read the page, and realized my post HAD gone through this morning. I recapped my response to JJ before I realized I had read the whole log wrong, and had missed my own entry--as well as the wonderful entries from you wonderful ladies.

I'll be holding your intentions/visions in my prayers as we go through this month together. I agree with Dotsie: The most important thing I do each day is to light a candle, read Scripture, pray, write in my journal, and walk. If I don't get that time in the morning, I'm a little off center for the rest of the day. And I agree that the effects in our lives are cumulative, not usually quick. It's as though our hearts begin to beat in the rhythm of the prayers that we pray. I've pondered about that in light of the injunction to "pray without ceasing."

So obviously I don't get to this every day. I'm as prone to distraction as I am to anything else. My first prayer, in fact, is always, "Thank You for the grace to get here in prayer this morning." And when I don't get there, I'm comforted by the knowledge that there are people all over the world who have gotten there this morning--the communion of saints.

Thanks for all you're giving to me. Chickadee, I want to know what vitamins you're taking! I'm intrigued by all that you're doing and envisioning. (a grand-baby and permanent roots store sounds inviting. . .) TVC15, I hope you feel better. Vicki, I'm cherishing your ideas, especially the one about down-sizing the "must-haves," and learning from your dog. (I guess that means your dog is a must-have, huh?) Dian, I hadn't thought of "soulful midlife" as a mantra, but it's a lovely phrase, isn't it? Maybe that's a good walking-mantra . .I'll have to keep it with me.

Oh--one bit of logistics. Someone tried to buy my book locally, and was told it's out of print. That's not true, but the big book chains aren't likely to have it on the shelves. If you want to order it through my web site (www.daphnestevens.com), I'll send it right out to you priority mail. Or you can get it at www.amazon.com, or www.barnesandnoble.com.

Thanks again!
Posted by: smilinize

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 05:19 AM

Unless I live to be more than 100 years old (which I am not planning to do) I am already in the second half of life. I started this post to ask how one develops a vision for the second half of life, but maybe I'm not ready for it.
For the first time since I became an adult, I have no vision, no mission, no goals, or expectations. I am simply focusing on finding the joy in each moment as it comes. Sometimes it is difficult to find the joy, but it is always there if I look for it.
Sometimes it worries me that I don't know where I am going or how to get there, but it is a great blessing to just forget about tomorrow and live for today.
For the first time I am allowing myself to have dreams without turning them into plans. It's a relief.
smile
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/08/04 07:23 AM

But every vision is different. It's fun to try on different ones and see what bears fruit. Kind of like playing dress-up when we were little girls.\ posted by Daphne

I have some friends who are playing dress-up and working out what they want to do with the rest of their lives. It's fun to watch.

Daphne wrote about a "Grandmother God" in one of her chapters and I have to share a piece with you.

"In short, Grandmother God could have a good time. She could dance the dance of one who lives in a less-than-perfect body and sing her songs in a less-than-perfect-voice. And because she was less than perfect, she could invite others to sing and dance along with her--with the abondonement and sparkle that can only be shared by ordinary people in ordinary moments."

Cheers to all of us having that Grandmother God within us.

Who wants to sing and dance?

Daphne, care to share more about that chapter?

[ December 09, 2004, 11:43 AM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/10/04 01:14 AM

Okay, how did that happen? The last post that says Daphne was written by me.

I've never seen that before. What the heck?

Anyway, can you talk about Grandmother God please. I loved that term.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/10/04 04:02 AM

Yes, Dotsie, I think something may be going on with the posts. Don't know what it is.

Grandmother God is my term for the Divine Feminine who lives in us all. On one level, she's the internalized Wise Woman--the gift of the positive mothers and mentors and friends who have nurtured us in finding our wisdom. She's the voice, too, who, dares to stand in the face of all those messages we've internalized from the culture and/or our families: the "be perfect" message, or the "youth and beauty are the only things that matter" message, or the "you really have to earn your place on the planet by suffering" message--You probably have your own version of those thought patterns, but they keep us being able to live life joyfully and accept ourselves with equanimity and compassion.

This season is a time to listen for our Grandmother God. When we're beleaguered by expectations to over-function and to ignore symptoms of physical limitations like fatigue and overwhelm that often plague us in December, we know we're really longing for something else--a new way of being in the world.

Hope that clarifies it a little. Anyone's thoughts?
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/11/04 03:52 PM

Daphne,
You hit a nerve when explaining those voices because I know (at least for me) that whenever I start to make a major decision, or act on something, one of the first thoughts I have is my Mother's voice inside my head going, "Now why would you want to do that?" Oh Lord! I'm afraid it's those words that have kept me from moving forward in more than one adventure. In some cases, it was a good thing, but in others...

I would like to ask you about AuthorHouse as a publisher. I know you self-published this book, and since I'm having second thoughts about MY current publisher, (or her LACK of publishing) so I'm checking out all doors open to me. Maybe everyone would prefer you answering this directly to me instead of here, but then again, there may be some boomer who wants to know if this is a good company, bad company, the pros and cons, etc...eh?

Thanks in advance...oh and the Mother voices? I've pretty much gotten a handle on that by answering myself with my own question of, "And what do YOU think about it Georgia?"
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/12/04 11:19 PM

I decided to publish my book with a Print-on-Demand house because:

1. I wanted full editorial control over the work.

2. I wanted to retain all rights.

3. I've seen worthy books go out of print. I knew a POD book would stay available.

4. Publishing houses don't usually promote books beyond the first few months. In the current market, an author is required to do much of her own promotion anyway--unless she's a celebrity, in which case she doesn't NEED the publisher to do a lot of promotion.

5. Pop psychology doesn't fit for me, but it's what publishers often assume that readers want.

My book is selling well. More important to me, it's finding its way into the hands of people who really need it. Publication has created a surge in my therapy and coaching practice--and provided nice opportunities to do women's retreats and speeches. I love doing all that work.

So I come back to the question about creating a vision: My vision was to write and publish a book, and to do more writing and therapy and coaching and teaching. My vision was also to have fun, to write more, and to facilitate others in finding their own gifts and discovering meaning in midlife.

So what do YOU think about this, Georgia? (and anyone else, too!)
Posted by: chatty lady

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/13/04 12:49 AM

Daphne, to answer your original question, I literally live by my calendar, never make a move without it. So if and when I do buy a gift for someone early, like in June. It's marked down and even a check mark if it's wrapped or not. I have a stack of Christmas cards on my desk and as they come in I write one back, stamp it and toss it into the mailbox. Personally I HATE MALLS so do most of my shopping from catalogs via email or the phone, no crowds here!! I do really enjoy cooking and baking so do that as gifts as well, and believe it or not, it relaxes me. Last but not least, I have given up the task of having all the family over for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners. My son and daughter-in-law bought a new home and wanted to do it there, YES!!! so now all I have to do is BE A GUEST and bring a dish or two. [Embarrassed] This so far have been the easiest and best holiday season ever.... [Wink]
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/14/04 08:50 AM

Daphne, I'm following my vision for Boomer Women Speak. I'm prayerful about it and feel blessed as I continue to watch it evolve. Through prayer I have brainstorms about what to do next. So far, so good.

Now that my kids are teens, this project is my baby. [Wink]

Another question about Star Publishing:
Do they only accept certain topics?
Is there criteria that must be met before they decide to work with you?

Also, in chapter 3 you wrote:
"When duty overshadows the joy of life, resentment is never far behind".

I have always found this to be true. As a stay at home Mom there were times I felt like I was serving the world, and doing nothing for myself. I could take a resentful attitude which I didn't like. Being the communicator I am I would explain this to my husband and kids and ask for more of their cooperation. I found that when I spoke up I felt much better and often got the help I needed. All I had to do was ask. I did everything because staying home WAS my job, but there was no reason I should have had to do EVERYTHING in the house. Through the years I've learned to delegate.

Fortunately my husband picks up on my stress level/attitude of resentment and asks what he or the kids can do to help.

I once attended a retreata about this. It was titled Servanthood vs. Servitude. Servanthood is a much better way to live. [Big Grin] It's when we do things with an attitude of gratitude as opposed to being one's slave.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/13/04 10:08 PM

Daphne,
That surely answered some of my questions, but gave me only the "pros" of self-publishing. What about the "cons?" Hey, maybe there aren't any?

I was particularly interested in why you choose AuthorHouse as opposed to other ones.

I couldn't agree more with having control of your book. I DO like that aspect of self-pubs...

JJ
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/15/04 06:48 AM

Chatty, I love these ideas. I heard a long time ago that living by a calendar reduces stress, especially when you have lots of balls in the air. I plan preparations dates for events--an evening penciled in to bake cookies for the church cookie exchange, an afternoon for reading prior to making a presentation, etc. And I never to look at my calendar more than a week in advance--unless I need to pack for a trip, in which case I note "Pack for Asheville" or wherever, the week before so I can start getting things together. As I've gotten older, however, I enjoy the sweep of time a bit more. I resist calendars and schedules, except for setting times with clients, because I lived with an appointment book strapped to my wrist for so many years.

I like the idea of using the calendar for Christmas shopping through the year, though.
I'd also add the possibility of keeping a file somewhere, noting what gift you gave to whom. It prevents that embarrassing midlife phenomenon of buying the same thing for the same friend two years in a row! And sometimes it's fun to find a "follow-up gift--" something to match or complement a gift the receiver particularly liked before, or something to complete a set.

I think avoiding malls is the best thing we can do for ourselves. Yes, I know it's un-American, but I support retailers plenty throughout the year, and I don't see the need to do it in December when the entire population of south Georgia converges for a bumper-to-bumper Consumer Fest within a one square mile radius--and how many merry people do you ever see at a mall at Christmas, after all? The collective anxiety that congregates there would be enough to keep me in hot flashes until next July--but I digress.

Dotsie, I think your vision is the best I've heard in a long time. I'm impressed by any mother of teenagers who can pursue a vision anyway. I couldn't even think about much until mine were out of the house and all the repairs were done!

Speaking of which, mine are arriving home for the holidays. I'll answer your questions tomorrow, Jaw-jaw. Good night.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/15/04 07:01 PM

Okay, I just looked at last night's hasty entry. I'm reminded (to my chagrin!) to respond to your question, Jaw-Jaw, about the down-side of POD publishing. It's EDITING! I carefully edited my book, chapter by chapter, as I wrote. I used a word-processing program that marks spelling and grammatical mistakes. I had two colleagues edit the finished product. And I still went through about 4 galley proofs--and POD galleys aren't cheap to do.

Part of the problem with self-editing is the temptation to re-write with each new proof. You see nuances that could be said just a little better. You get hypnotized by your own Muse. It's a sure way to NEVER get your book out--and to spend a lot of money not doing it. And still, in the final edition, you see typos that "should" have been obvious to you in the first place. I hear that complaint from authors who go through publishing houses, too, but it seems to be less of an issue when a professional copy editor has had the final say. Copy editors not only help with the nuts and bolts-- good one can make the manuscript sing louder. I'll hire one if I publish another POD work.

I'm reluctant to read my own publications because my inner editor wants to go back in gear. It's much more productive to have readers who resonate with the work's message. A book is really an ongoing project between the writer and the reader anyway--that's what makes it such a blessing to the author.

Which brings me to your comment, Dotsie, about duty and resentment. Servanthood vs. servitude says it well, whether we are serving an art form like writing or clients or readers or family or community. The servant is exquisitely conscious of whom or what is being served. She feels privileged to do holy work. The slave, in bondage to servitude, is duty-bound, and prone to resentment. She loses consciousness of her real worth, and feels no choice--only the numbing autopilot that we keep talking about here. As a beast of burden, her humanity is constantly violated. In midlife, we either get conscious with our choices or we fall into mindless duty which leads to resentment which leads to bitterness--and bitterness ultimately petrifies the soul.
Posted by: Princess Lenora

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/16/04 01:13 AM

Hello Daphne and everyone: I have a lot I'd like to comment on, but for now I'll stick with print-on-demand publishing. I too used Authorhouse for the same reasons Daphne did. Instead of saying that I am self-published, I consider that Authorhouse was a partner in my publishing endeavor. I had my book edited by freelance editors 2 times before submission. Then, upon publication, I noticed typos. I just finished reading "Self-Matters" by Dr. Phil. You wouldn't believe the typos! Even text books have typos. I had to "let go" of the desire to make corrections post-publication. JJ: I am having a good experience with Authorhouse. I've even done a presentation about POD with Authorhouse to a local Press Club. The down side is that book stores have to special order the book. The other down side is this: Authorhouse will provide review copies to reviewers at no cost to the author. However, when I send a copy for review, I also send 1) press release 2) articles I've written 3) copies of print interviews 4) presentation resume. I haven't figured out how to get Authorhouse to send the free review copies plus all my materials. So I send the copies myself at my cost. What does this have to do with a soulful midlife? I am in mid life, and I put my soul into my book! I am also a watercolor artist. Daphne, did you do the illustrations? I can't wait to get your book! Love and Light, Lynn
Posted by: Princess Lenora

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/16/04 01:16 AM

Dotsie, what is Star Publishing as referenced in your post? What you've done re: your mid life vision (creating this site) is amazing. Thank you so much! Love and Light, Lynn
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/16/04 10:58 PM

Lynn, Star Publishing is the book our last Featured Author used.

http://starpublish.com

You can read back over her information by clicking on the left side of the forums where it says Featured Author. then pull lup carolyn Howard-Johnson.

Hope this helps.
Posted by: Joyce Faulkner

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/18/04 07:37 PM

quote:
Originally posted by jawjaw:
p.s. What's "cottonhead?" Is that where we eat our young? If so, I'm all for it...

Am I going thru menopause? Why yes, how did you know?

JJ

JawJaw...you are such a stitch. I'm always laughing when I read your posts.

<twinkle>

Joyce Faulkner
Posted by: mrsmuzz

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/18/04 07:58 PM

Mid-life has absolutely been a time of immense change for me and my family. I fought it tooth and nail for a long time. But God has taken time to show me that he has a plan and that when I go with the flow I cope much better. Not that I have given up on my dreams you see, I have gone back to school this past semester. I am working on the prerequisites for a degree in Medical Lab Technology. I was so scared that I had forgotten how to learn, how to do homework and not to mention being the oldest in my class! But you know what? I made it! I received 2 A's and 1 B this time! I have already enrolled for next semester in our new home town. I have let the holiday's slide and ya know what? I don't feel bad at all...I haven't even opened the flour bin this year and guess what? the world is still spinning! I did not even do Christmas cards to those who sent them to me....I feel almost wicked, but also so unfettered. We have always had huge Christmas commitments and this feels good for a change. I bought stuff for the grandkids and that was it. I told all my other friends, no gifts this year. Their support throughout my hubby's illness, my school struggles, etc. makes me feel I have already been gifted with the best gift of all their friendships. I pray that they will honor my request, but if they do not I have decided to accept whatever comes.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/20/04 06:10 AM

Mrs. Muzz (and others)--One of the freedoms for me this Christmas is feeling less fettered by the expectations of others. I love the image of you turning loose of that flour bin and noticing that the world spins anyway. And Christmas gifts, after all, are called gifts, not "Christmas obligations." What if the mall ads read "Find the perfect obligatory gesture for everyone on your obligation list!"

My wish is to gift my daughter and my clients and my friends with an image of midlife and elder womanhood as something to be cherished and enjoyed--and a prayer that they will carry that image with them into their own old age. The world desperately needs women who are self-confident and self-loving, who can offer their wisdom and services out of a state of abundance and generosity. We can't exemplify that if we're exhausted and overtaxed.
Posted by: Evie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/20/04 03:48 PM

quote:
Originally posted by Daphne:
The world desperately needs women who are self-confident and self-loving, who can offer their wisdom and services out of a state of abundance and generosity. We can't exemplify that if we're exhausted and overtaxed.

AMEN to that!!!!!!!! [Smile]
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/20/04 11:33 PM

Thanks, Evie! That's my prayer for all of us in this forum--a vision of containment and self-possession and poise, especially in this hectic season.
Posted by: Julie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/21/04 03:06 AM

All the gifts are wrapped and under the tree and for once I am not worrying about having got it "right" - I've put in a good effort and no one should expect more than that. I'm coasting until Christmas Eve then a last minute clean and setting up the big table for lunch for 22! [Big Grin] (I actually quite like that part). Everyone helps so cooking isn't a big deal. Peace to all - here's my Christmas tanka

a dark cave
warmed by animals
a single light
glints on straw
wet with lochia :
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/21/04 06:26 PM

Thanks for al the sweet thougths that continue to swarm my brain this season. I'm grateful Daphne could be here with us at this time. It's been very helpful.

Daphne, you mention learning from wounds. I'm a firm believer in wounds being teachers too. When I look back on my life, it was during the roughest times that I eventually learned the most and was able to grow to the next step. Sometimes it's hell being in the midst of a tough time, but if we only have hope that better things are to come, we can't lose. [Wink]

You have so many excellent lessons amidst your pages. [Wink]
Posted by: angelsmuse

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/21/04 09:16 PM

Please tell me we haven't finished discussing this book. I just got my copy yesterday and am hoping to get it started today between the baking writing and wrapping. I've read some of your comments and am anxious to get started.

Thanks for all the great ideas.

Chris(angel)
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/23/04 12:41 AM

CHris, Daphne is here through the first week in January. Don't worry. You have time. Enjoy her book. Be sure to do the pieces at the end of the chapters.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/23/04 12:46 AM

Daphne, I enjoyed Chpater 11, Showing Up. I underlined most of the chapter.I wish you were in my prayer group. You'd fit right in. We often talk about finding balance and expectations...especially this time of year. [Big Grin]
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/25/04 07:32 PM

I'm very much here until January 6th, and I wouldn't miss this experience for the world. I hope all of you are having a merry Christmas--whatever that means for you this year. If you're fatigued or depressed or feeling lost, remember that the real Christmas happened in a stable in the cold. Find an hour or two to tuck yourself into your quiet space. Read some of your favorite poetry, or write in your journal. Light a candle for all those who are suffering of hunger or cold or violence or illness. Do it with the faith that, by finding a few moments to pray, you are tending the soul of the world.

Enjoy the day, and thanks for the blessing you are to me this year.
Posted by: Sadie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/26/04 07:58 AM

Hello Daphne,
I started medapause at 55 and been three years into it. Doing Ok , but this Christmas ahs been such a sad time for me . My mother in and nursing home in DE and brother alone in DE and not married and car broke down and can't get to see mother . He was always close to mother and that is Ok by me. now. I lost my dog this year my beloved Yorkie of 11 years last July and I had thyroid surgery . I fee overwhelmed at times can't even cry anymore . Just numb ... I have set goals for myself to write about my experince with my mother and her relatives and losing the POA in 1999 . Taking one day a week to volunteer at the office of Alzeimer's Assoc. Make sure I do more Temp Work. I think that about covers it. I wonder how can someone like me have so much problems with mothers relatives that hate my brother and me. They won't me out of mothers life . How do people like this sleep at night. ? Good question. I do hope I have not overwelmed you .

Again welcome to the boomersite .

Nancy of Maryland
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/26/04 07:50 PM

You haven't overwhelmed me at all, Nancy, and I suspect that there will be some resonance among the women on the forum.

As you may know, my mother is now in the end stages of Alzheimer's Disease. It's Christmas, which magnifies whatever family dynamics are there; losses seem greater and grief is more acute. The anxiety and tension among family members (whether it is unconscious or conscious) seems to heighten when we are facing major illness, death, or big holidays--and Alzheimer's is a particularly cruel disease, because it goes on for so long.

I must confess that when I went to my parents' yesterday, all my wisdom about balance and self-care went out the window. I was totally consumed by guilt and anxiety--about what I "should" be doing differently, about the clarity with which I saw my mother's decline, and about very extraverted way that my family members celebrate. I would have been much more comfortable with a quiet, peaceful Christmas, instead of loud talk and manic activity, and the determination to bring my mother (who is immobilized in a wheel-chair or in the bed, and barely speaking) to a table surrounded by 14 very active people.

But I have to accept the fact that I'm not in charge. I have to forgive myself for what may be limitations, and realize that my brothers and my father and other relatives are getting through this in the best way they know how--very bravely, with lots of noise and bravado and fanfare. It's not the way I would choose, but I admire them for being true to themselves--and I need quiet time in order to stay healthy.

It sounds like you're doing wonderful work, if you're able to give a week to the Alzheimer's Association. You of all people can empathize with the many ways that family members respond to this situation, and your work is an inspiration to me. My experience is that we often can be the most effective when we offer support to people who have walked a similar path to our own. It's important, too, to get support for yourself. A support group, a therapist or a coach who specializes in working with grief or families and who has some knowledge of Alzheimers could be a life-saver for you during this time, too.

I'm glad you've joined the forum, Nancy. And I hope everyone is enjoying some post-Christmas recovery time today. I'm planning to get out for a long walk, put chilie in the slow cooker to accommodate the crowd of grown children congregated in my home, and settle down in my study by the fire with a good book.

Anyone else want to share about your Christmas, or how you're recovering today?
Posted by: Sadie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/27/04 03:22 AM

What comfort you have brought to me. My hands might be tied with my mother ,but not my mouth . I want to do the right think by her and will continue to do so until her last breath . Only thing is that I miss this lost time so far away from her. Time that will not be made up at all. I will write about this soon. That is for the new year for me. To bring light to darkness and to help others . Thank you for just listening ..

Lv, Nancy
Posted by: Lynn

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/27/04 07:42 PM

Hello Daphne,
I tuned in late, actually I do that alot. I am technically perimenoupasal because the "blood test" says so. I am tryign the pill to relieve heavy menstaral bleeding. Am giving it one more month to see if it works, if not, hysterectomy this summer.

I am 46 and have a 6 year old. So I am definitely in a different place than most women my age. The empty nest syndrome is far away.

But I am the confident woman now who can give to a child in a way that I could not in my 20's and 30's. I have many rich life experiences and feel like I might have retired first then started the life-work thing.

My priority is my family but I must also work to help provide. My husband had pnacreatic cancer surgery 15 months ago. I am told by pros that he won't live out the year. On one hand I say "humbug" he is doing great. But I find I won't make plans pst his next scan (every 3 months). I want to go downt the Colorado River in the Grand Canyon but can't make the reservations because it would be after his next scan and who knows what? Terrible way to live and my work for 2005 is to try to overcome this anxiety.

I also must work outside the home in a place I don't really like becasue it penalizes you for having a family and making them a priority but I have great beneefits and seniority. If I become a single Mom I will need all of this to get by. So leaving is out of the question. Living with the guilt placed upon me is getting very old.

I have not read your book yet but am odering today. I dont know if all of this even relates to your book but is relevant to my status in this mid life.

What can you comment upon a midlife Mom with a kindergartner, a screwy cycle and a terminally ill husband? Although husbnd is getting along fine it is the threat that makes me make certain decisions. GEEZ, do you have a couch and charge by the hour?

Lynn
Posted by: Lynn

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/29/04 04:13 AM

Daphne-Have I left you speechless?

Lynn
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/29/04 07:07 AM

No, Lynn, not speechless--just deeply respectful of your circumstances. Ironically, my delay in responding is because it's so easy for me these days to get totally caught up in the cycle of dealing with my mother and my family. Like many situations, there is nothing really to do. I'm a relatively minor player here--no power to make decisions, no freedom to do much except hover and worry. It's a silly thing to do--it doesn't serve anything or anyone-- keeps me in old family patterns that I thought I'd relinquished a long time ago. Humbling!

Facing a rocky menopause can be a major ordeal. The hormonal fluctuations, physical pain, uncertainty, and simple nuisance of endless menstrual bleeding is big enough to handle. Add that to a husband who is facing a significant health challenge, your own anxiety about the emotional and financial future, and a little one who continues to need you and can't possibly understand what's happening--Goodness! I hope you're getting lots of support from friends and healers and loved ones. I hope people are bringing you meals and offering babysitting services. I hope you are paying special attention to your own health, too.

I'd encourage you to take your own care just as seriously as you take your husband's and your daughter's. Easy for me to say, especially since you are working full time. But consider any time you spend in self-restorative efforts--walking, massage, yoga, acupuncture, meditation, or any other ways you have of cherishing yourself--to be money saved in your energy bank. Your family will be blessed, and you'll be strengthened to meet whatever each day brings.

If you can begin the day in whatever way you pray, do that, too. Some days you may find only the energy to light a candle. Others, you might take a cup of coffee into a special space in your house that feels peaceful and comforting. Sip the coffee (or tea), allowing yourself to be aware of God's simple companionship. Then thank Him for the grace to meet him there. Do a reading or say prayers or write in your journal. (I like the suggestion of a "gratitude journal," listing 5 things for which you are grateful. You'll be surprised at how the list strengthens you and shapes your perceptions). Do it in a spirit of rest and renewal and curiosity about how God might make His presence known to you this day.

My prayers go with you, Lynn. I'm glad you've joined this forum.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 12/31/04 10:12 PM

Daphne, I say amen sister. Excellent advice for our dear friend Lynn. If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. You have to take care of yourself Lynn so you are full and capable to care for your guys.

Daphne, on page 94 you mention knowing the difference between despair and wisdom in relation to being alone and being with others. I can totally relate to that. At his point in my life I know when I need to be alone and quiet and when I need to be in the midst of others. It amkes all the difference in the world.

I think women don't take enough time for ourselves because we are always caring for everyone else. Unless I take the time at my kitchen table with my journal, Bible, and prayer list I get scattered and disorganized. Everyone needs time to get centered. Then we are better able to make a difference in the lives of loved ones.

I managed for years without my quiet time, but I didn't realize the PEACE I was missing.

I wish everyone a more peaceful 2005. [Big Grin]

[ December 31, 2004, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Dotsie ]
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/01/05 10:35 PM

And amen to that! Let's hear it for a peaceful 2005--in our hearts, in our families, in our communities, in our world.

I really believe it begins in our hearts.

So we've gotten through the holidays. We've begun to put away Christmas decorations, to reclaim our space, and to settle down. New Year's resolutions seem kind of silly--in my book I call them stories we tell ourselves. But I do find it useful to reflect on the things I want to let go of this year, and the things I want to invite into my life.

This year I want to let go of spending time with people and projects that drain me. I want to invite more time for reflection and prayer, and an increased sense of balance.

Any thoughts about that from anyone else?
Posted by: Lynn

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/01/05 11:42 PM

Daphne, I too would love to spend less time ont he people who drain me. Unfortunaely, my boss is a drainer. So hard to eliminate that one!

But time is so precious that it is important to find the balance between alone rejuvenating time and time pent with friends and family.

I too, am looking to find a bit of balnce in my life in 2005. The blance between love and money, family and me. I am a giver and will give till my tank of energy is drained. I am working on keeping a bit in reerve and then filling up before it gets empty again. Sounds easy but it is very hard for me to do.

I am also going to work on a better physical me with diet (not too bad currently) and keep the menopausal rages to a minimum. I'm really not sure how to do this but I hate it and need to find a more peaceful way to handle the hormonal fluxes.

You speak wisely of working on ourselves in the coming year.

Lynn
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/04/05 04:57 PM

Yes, it's especially hard when we have to spend time with workplace "drainers" since we share their space for such concentrated periods of time. But it might be helpful to see your boss as an opportunity to create clearer boundaries around yourself.

"Drainers" drain less when we give them less feedback. It's helpful to build an "energy wall" around ourselves--to pray for emotional and spiritual protection, to imagine a wall around ourselves (line it with imaginary rose-buds; when someone steps over the line, see yourself offering one of your roses--but don't give away your own energy).

I once resolved that I wouldn't get hooked into any negative comments or take on any problems that weren't my own with a particular co-worker. It was hard! I realized I was wanting connection with her, so I kept responding by trying to please--or joining her in complaining in an effort to be empathic. Once I realized my own negativity was draining me, and continually asked myself, "Is this my problem?" she got less effective in draining me, and eventually found another prey.

But sometimes office drainers get to us. The best option then is to transfer to another department or find another job. (Easy enough to say when the economy is good, or when we're younger. I realize this can be a problem in itself.)

I'm wondering about other kinds of drainers. Family members can be the worst, since we genuinely love them, and we want to be of help and support. Anyone else have thoughts about how to deal with energy drainers? (One of my clients once called them "feeders." It's a pretty good word, since they're often hungry for something we can't possibly give them. . )
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/04/05 06:17 PM

Some time ago, I read an article about "drainers" and the negative effect they have on us. The author explained that we pick up the negative traits or habits sometimes simply to "belong" to the group or person, depending on the circumstances. I agree totally with this.

I was a parrot for a while (hard to believe, isn't it?) with a particular person I hung around at work. We not only socialized at work, but outside of work too. Then after reading the article, I realized that everything that came out of my mouth sounded just like her, and more importantly, it was negative. I realized that half the things I complained about weren't even valid. For instance, someone might say, "How you doing today?" and I would respond, "Oh I guess I'll make it." What a downer...good grief. I could have just as well said, "Great! And you?"

I stopped right then and started listening, really listening to her conversations with others and made mental notes of what would have been my response to these conversations BEFORE I realized I had become a parrot.

I didn't like what I saw. I had not only become a daily whiner, but I had lost my own identity. Why had I done this? Because I wanted a buddy, a pal, someone to travel with, that had common interests, and habits. She was ideal for this, if you overlooked the negativity. I had become so use to it, I hadn't even noticed I had become HER.

I pulled back from the socializing, both work and home. I started doing things with other people, and found that I enjoyed myself a lot more. One of the things that helped was when I quit smoking. She smokes, so that was my initial excuse. After a while, she found another "buddy" and moved on. Thank goodness.

I am much happier, I am my own person again, and I am a little bit wiser. The constant negative responses are gone, or more or less controlled by me now, and I view things in a better light.

I hope this experience helps someone else. You know I don't normally share personal experiences with you all unless it has some humor attached to it. But this is important I think. At least I can say it has changed my outlook and life is brighter now! The old saying, "you are who you hang with" is soooo true. Anybody else found this in their life?

JJ
Posted by: Princess Lenora

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/04/05 06:19 PM

Hi Boomers and Daphne, I noticed the post about "drainers" and "feeders" and I wanted to comment. I never thought it was "them" draining me; my perspective was that I was a burden on them, whomever them was. It wasn't until I read Julia Cameron's "The Artist Way" and her chapter on "crazymakers" that I realized I had the right not to get sucked into the field of "drainers." I am grateful for learning about boundaries and assertiveness. I used to be so afraid of solitude that I would rather get sucked and drained and crazy via others than to spend time alone. That was another lesson I'm grateful for: learning to spend time in my own company. Love and Light, Lynn
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/04/05 07:08 PM

Lots of wisdom in this forum.

jawjaw, thanks for sharing. Yup, I believe we can take on friend's characteristics. Now if it's someone you admire for all the right reasons then it's a different story. But when it's a negative person, it's time to run...

I see this in teens. They are so fickle and some tend to go with the flow. I'm always preaching...be your own person. An original is better than a copy.

I'm loving midlife. I believe this time of life is a gift. We've lived, loved, and learned enough to realize there are different ways to go about this life. No one person is right. We need to be true to ourselves and our God. [Wink]

Ladies, Daphne will beleaving us in a few days. Is there anything else you wnat to chat with her about? Please hurry.
Posted by: meredithbead

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/05/05 04:09 AM

Just thought I'd respond to this thread.

As many of you know, I'm married to a drainer. Mr. Negativity. Mr. "Never found a problem he couldn't complain about for 20 years." Mr. Whine-whine-whine. A black hole that can never have enough, or be loved enough.

It took me decades, but I learned to step back. Have my own friends and my own interests. Not try to fix his problems. Refuse to get sucked into useless repetitive fights, and physically walk out when necessary.

I've let go of most of the anger. I'm a better person because I no longer drain all my energy reacting to him -- I spend it on me.

When we get caught in someone else's web, we forget that we once knew how to fly.

Sometimes our only limits are those we let others impose upon us.
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/05/05 07:04 PM

I appreciate all your experiences with this. Jaw-jaw, the need for affinity so often outweighs the promise of integrity. And like Lynn says, the solitude that's needed for most of us to develop integrity can initially be daunting.

I'm sensing another thread here, too. There are "feeders" and "drainers" and "crazy-makers." There is our own need for companionship, which can blind us to energy drains. But I've also been thinking about this: If you're an empathic person, you tend to pick up on the feelings that other people are the most defended against. You walk into a room where everyone is jovial or jolly-- and suddenly you feel anxious or tearful. You think it's menopause or neurosis or social phobia or something. (Don't you love all these labels?) But then, if God grants you the grace to find some quiet, you think back and realize: "I've just walked into a room and felt all the feelings that everyone else was denying. And if I've given voice to those feelings by bursting into tears or saying I feel even more rejected. It's as though I've walked into a room and said, 'Hi! I'm your worst fears! Merry Christmas'" or something. You may have your own version of this. But it's so freeing to get quiet enough to realize your own blind-spots, and to remember the grace that comes from stumbling and learning.

Building boundaries through solitude and prayer, and remembering who we are and what we are called to, is so crucial to us--and crucial, too, to the people who depend on us to be Wise Women.

Thoughts?
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/05/05 09:03 PM

Daphne
I'm sure it's just me...but I didn't quite understand this last analogy...can you explain further. And by the by, what is a crazy-maker?

JJ
Posted by: Lynn

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 02:07 AM

JJ- I agree with you, I need a little clarification, too.

Meredith, I hope I never forget your line "if you get caught in someone else's web, we forget how to fly". SO TRUE! I need a banner. Thank you.

Lynn
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 04:27 AM

Okay, some clarification: If you're empathic or intuitive, you tend to absorb feelings. If others around you are denying those feelings, the feelings don't just go away. They get (to use a psychological term) projected--mostly onto you, if you're an empath. Then you feel anxious or sad or whatever the other person is denying in him/herself.

The classic example is the "crazy-maker"--and here's an explanation of that term, too. The "crazy-maker" totally denies that anything is going on with him (or her). But he ever-so-subtly provokes someone else (let's say his wife) to anger. He leaves his socks or his dishes lying around, or he compares her cooking to his mother's--whatever he unconsciously knows will send his wife into orbit. Then the wife reacts by getting cranky. "Hey, what's wrong with YOU?" he asks--genuinely innocently. "You must have PMS!"

Now, I'm not implying that all crazymakers are men--or that all men who leave their socks and dishes lying around are doing it to pick a fight. We all make accommodations for our spouses, and in good marriages, those accommodations are mutual and loving. But patterns of provoking others to anger, of giving mixed messages, or creating chaos, are crazy-making.

Does that clarify it? For another take on this, see the "Sponges and Mirrors" chapter in my book. It may be easier reading than this!
Posted by: smilinize

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 05:49 AM

Sounds like what you are referring to as 'crazymakers' the medical community refers to as passive 'aggressives.'

Passive aggression is in us all and is useful at times, but it can become pathological. It is a product of fear which results in anger which causes more fear in some individuals who are unreasonably afraid of feeling or expressing anger. Their anger is often veiled in inactivity and subtle insults (crazymakers). It is a way of controlling a situation and the resulting emotions without confronting them with either others or oneself.

At one time it was more common among women who were relatively powerless social beings, but as women have gained power and become socially assertivne it has become more common among men who are naturally more aggressive. As men have become less and less physically active and as all forms of overt aggressivness has become socially unacceptable, more men suffer from it.

Passive aggression is sometimes an asset to white collar executives. Unless they happen to be professional wrestlers, it is the way they climb the corporate ladder.

It is destructive for everyone because the unexpressed anger of the passive aggressive builds to pathological levesl and the victim of the passive aggression become increasingly angry, but cannot identify the source of the angre or fight back, because the passive aggressive didn't actually do anything. The anger can build in either or both until it explodes in physical abuse or even murder. Either way it is a vicious cycle that is almost impossible to change or reverse.

Exercise is known to relieve aggression, the depression that often accompanies it and the anger that is the source. But as we become a more sedentary society which only rewards passivity, it just makes everyone crazy.
smile
Posted by: unique

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 04:51 PM

Oh, Smilinize--you must have met my 'estranged' husband. You describe him so well. [Roll Eyes] Unique
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 04:54 PM

Good point, Smilize. .If Passive Aggression had a voice it might be something like this: "If I sit here long enough without acting, I won't have to deal with the anxiety/uncertainty of doing whatever it is I don't want to do." The added payoff is that the P/A partner gets angry. The passive-agressive person then feels like a victim. (A typical thought: "See? How can I possibly do anything, when I'm living with such a demanding person!")

Interesting point that passive aggression has gotten more prominent among men--and more prevalent as we've gotten more sedentary. Men typically need more processing time to sort out feelings--John Gottman, a marriage researcher, found that men usually get flooded with symptoms of high stress/distress when in conflict. Heart rate, blood pressure, rate of breathing, all soar, and males need to get away to find their equilibrium. Women, on the other hand, (although most of of don't like conflict) show physical signs of lower stress. Our heart rate and bp rates go down. It's as though we're thinking, "Oh, good! We're getting this out in the open. Now we can problem solve-" only to realize that our partner has disappeared into the study or the world of television or something else. We tend to take that as a sign of rejection. I find that when couples respect these physiological differences, they get better at problem solving and are generally happier.

We're psychologizing a lot here, but it goes back to the issues raised in this month's forum, and the general theme of my book: It's life-giving to rest, to find solitude, to cherish ourselves, live with faith in God's wisdom and in our own honorable intentions. We don't have to work so hard at life! And, at midlife, we can take on the rich challenge of setting ourselves free of pre-fabricated expectations.
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 09:51 PM

Okay this has been one of the most interesting things I've read in a long time...not to mention you have just described a friend of mine's husband to a T. Amazing what you can learn about in BWS...eh? Thank you Daphne and Smiles for enlightening us all. I have Daphne's book and had to set it aside when the new job took over and the gym (after work). Now I will be chomping at the bit to get back to it and finish! What insight! I see now I need to buy my friend a copy as well. She has a birthday coming up, and I can't think of anything better!

Thanks Daphne!

JJ
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/06/05 09:59 PM

Oh Daphne, it's been so great having you around. I can't stand seeing your time come to an end. It's as though we have touched the tip of an iceberg here. There's so much to talk about.

Ladies, if you haven't read Daphne's book yet...please do. Make it a gift to yourself.

I have to talk about page 197 before you leave. You talk about women putting EVERYONE else first!

One of the beauties of midlife is learning it's not necessary. To think WHAT ABOUT ME is not a sin. In fact it's a healthier way to live. Then our resevoirs aren't empty and we are happier and healthier.

I don't know if being raised Catholic had anything to do with my thinking that I should always put myself last. Hmmm, I wonder. Any thoughts?

Daphne writes in her book:

"If you are accommodating other people enough to feel irritated or angry, you're running on empty--and that's a dangerous condition, right up there with hypertension and high cholesterol and obesity. And if your doctor were to advise you to change your lifestyle habits to correct one of those conditions, you probably wouldn't be saying, "But isn't a woman supposed to have high blood pressure?"

Daphne, I love you girlfriend!
Posted by: jawjaw

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/07/05 12:17 AM

I think a lot of that type of thinking goes back to the way we were taught growing up..."Be nice...don't be a ME-FIRSTER...If you ask for seconds, it's impolite...let your brother/sister or cousin go first...sacrifice....sacrifice...sacrifice. That's what nice girls do.

Why yes, I always asked for seconds...why do you ask? teehee....

JJ
Posted by: Daphne

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/07/05 01:12 AM

Well, thank YOU Dotsie, and everyone else, too. I've so enjoyed getting to know this group, and will be looking forward to future contact on other BWS forums.

And thanks for your comments on my book. May I add a plug? It's Watercolor Bedroom: Creating a Soulful Midlife. Available at my web site (www.daphnestevens.com) or www.amazon.com or www.barnesandnoble.com. If you're inclined to write a mini-review for Amazon or Barnes and Noble, I'd greatly appeciate that, too!

Best to all of you--and let's stay in touch.
Posted by: Dotsie

Re: Daphne Stevens, Ph.D. soulful midlife - 01/07/05 07:24 PM

Daphne, thanks so much for sharing your wisdom with us. Your posts have been music to my ears. I'm grateful for women like you who care about helping other women. May God continue to bless you with your ministry.

Ladies, if you haven't read her book...you should. You will surely see yourself among the pages and learn from Daphne's life experiences which she so willingly shares. When you read it be sure to answer the questions at the end of each chapter. [Wink]