I'm getting tired of trying help

Okay.

I know John is not cheating on me, but he has lost all interest in even cuddling.

I am not happy. This has been going on for over a year.
He does not even hug me.

I am losing weight, have told him - calmly - that I miss our intimacy.

He just ignores me. So now, I'm starting to back off.

This "control" over our love life has been going on for years.

At one point, before we were married, I left him because
my needs were being ignored.

I don't know what to do.

I'm too religious to cheat, but did God mean for me to
age without the affection of my partner?

At this point, I am so hurt and angry, that I think I would - might - hit him if he comes near me.

I am at that point.

Just plain tired. We are satisfatory roommates at this point.

I'm 59; he turned 60 in June. But ladies, he's been like this for at least 10 years - and once in awhile in his thirties.

I am very sure he does not have a girlfriend. I was married to one of those who couldn't keep his hands to himself or his equipment in his pants. Actually, if he does, I'm not sure I care anymore.

I've been talking to therapists through the years about this. All have said this is a control issue.

Well, I'm sick of it.

I tried to contact my first husband. He's been missing for thirty years.

I just got a response that he is looking for me.

I am soo tempted.
Help
Emily in Maryland

why are you trying to contact your lst hubby as an alternative or to vent? Not helpful to you to revisit that path from so long ago.

Are things being resolved with you at work? Are you hanging onto the marriage now ..due to financial reasons?

What a weird way to “punish“ or control. After all, your husband is missing out as well. Maybe he can’t…I mean physically. Maybe you should just ask him if that is the reason, … but in an understanding and loving way. He may just want to prove you’re wrong. If he still refuses, I would confront him with the truth and tell him that you'll get your kicks elsewhere. According to the way he reacts, I guess you'll know how you stand.

Sorry Emyjay to hear that you are having marriage problems. Men! I don’t know…, it’s hard with them and hard without them. Um…excuse me…maybe that was the wrong choice of words.

In any case what it all boils down to is that you shouldn’t be stuck with someone that makes you miserable. I gave my husband the alternative; either I leave him or he stops making me feel depressed. It has helped, … although I do have to keep reminding him.

EmyJay I would encourage you to visit the website of an on-line friend who has helped me figure out some things with my now ex-husband. Do a google search for Bonnie Kaye, you will find her site. She is a phycologist (sp?) who has gone through very similar circumstances. She is open and will respond if you e-mail her.

Things at work just got worse, as of this morning.

I will probably have to resign. My supervisor won't get off of my back.

I'm getting ready to send some "feelers" out.

I need to work, or I will get depressed. Also, when I am working, I have less problems with John. If I am bringing money in, he respects me more.

But, I am 59 and believe me, there is age discrimination.

I want to stay in my field and the choices are limited. But,there are some choices.

I called John at work, yesterday, and told him how it makes me feel when he ignores me, when he won't even hold my hand.

He says he will change. He helped me deep-clean the kitchen this past Sunday, after we fought.

I want to discuss things; he wants to have arguments. I told him that I am refusing to argue with anyone at this time in my life. I am more than willing to sit down and discuss, hash things out - so to speak - but I won't get involved in screaming matches with anyone, anymore.

This is the new me. One that has arisen from the pits. I guess therapy has worked.

My sister was talking to me very rudely on the phone this past Sunday morning. I told her that I wasn't going to let anyone talk to me - yell, I mean - at me, anymore.

She and John and through most of my life - my mother - start talking in what I can only discribe as "cartoon like" voices when they get angry. It's like a little child going "nah, nah, nah." That's the only way I can describe it.

That's why I know it's a control issue. Because I've run all of the above by at least three, different therapists.

My mother was emotionally abuse toward me for almost all of my life. I think she hates me because I figured it out -- and they had to get married because of me.

My father never admitted that they had to get married, but he did sit with me and my first psychiatrist and say, "for some reason, she never liked her."

Ouch in the gut.

cont. do to time out issue

Emily

I will not leave John, because I have no where to go.

So, I'll have to just "get over it," I guess.

Thinking it probably is not a good idea to connect with the former, who I have not seen or spoken to in about 35 years.

I think because I'm turning 60 in July, I'm more interested in putting my energies into positive relationships. I don't think, I know I am.

I'm just going to hope that John and I will get to the place where we can be good roommates. I'll need to reach out to new friends and old to fill emotional needs.

Thanks to all who are helping me.

I was blessed to find this site and to have the opportunity to connect with all of the compassionate, ladies who make up this "boomer" community.

Blessings,
Emily

He's punishing you for something, Emily.

Emily, we all have needs in our lives. Everyone's needs are different. But, if we don't get our needs met in some way, we will have problems.

It sounds like you have a need to be touched, for example. How else could you get that need met? Could you get a massage? Have a good friend hug you once in a while? Ask your husband to hug you when you need it?

And YEA! for you for setting boundaries and not letting people treat you disrespectfully. That is a huge accomplishment!

Emily, I am hurting for you. I don't have any idea of the answer, but am sure the answer lies somewhere within you. I am so sorry that you are in such pain.

I agree with Casey - celebrate your accomplishments, you have so very many.

I'm sorry you are going through this sort of pain. I know it is hard when the man we love/loved, is "chilling us out," and shutting us out emotionally. What Dianne said ran true to me, about him punishing you for some slight or something he feels you have done to hurt him.
If he is, it is wrong to approach these feelings this way. He should talk it out and get whatever is making him try to punish you out on the table for you both to deal with. Things can grow so big after a lot of time not communicating. It seems that a small thing can happen between two people and if left undealt with, it can grow into something so very complex.
In my own experience, a couple can get back to the original problem if both of them care to save the love and investment made in one another. It is the best route, I think, that is the route that brings us together again, but not always the one a person chooses.
Have you been together a long time, I've forgotten the orignial post. If so, then it might be worth it to try to get back to basics and find the root of this.
I am, again, so very sorry you are feeling this pain. I know it. I remember shorter "punishments," from my former marriage that felt so lonely and set me on a course of self-loathing. Please do not turn on yourself. You sound as if you keep your life as full of others as you can so you can get feedback that is sane and "normal." If you were isolated in this, I would really worry.
Is it worth this pain? Only you can answer that. It is up to us, to me, to support you as a friend should and to not judge you.
I, for one, will support you which ever direction you take your life.
dancer

Our cable has been out all evening. So I couldn't post a reply to all of those who have taken there time to offer advice and encouragement.

Now, I'm staring at this screen with one eye open. Will write tomorrow.

Sweet dreams,

Emily

He sounds like a guy who feels he expresses more...in action. If only it was remotely some intimacy that he wanted..vs. just deep cleaning the kitchne.

However his way of making up to you...will still be his style...but hopefully better improved in his self-expression to you.

As for work, don't apologize for yourself to any direct manager/supervisor. Just carry on your job cheerfully. You are being paid for your work after all. YOu can't go wrong on this..especially if other co-workers see consistent positive work patterns from you.

This is the best dignity you can uphold for yourself ..while you hunt for a better job on the side.

Well, at least I have a clean kitchen - well, almost.

I wonder if I can take an anti- interested in sex hormone shot or pill.

This would solve some of our issues.

Emily in Maryland

Emyjay,
Hope you have flesh-n-blood support, like close friends or family to lean on. Your husband sounds the way mine acts, forget about affection. That isn't even in his vocabulary. Verbal expression isn't there either. But I went through one divorce; it was at Christmastime. Guess I'd rather live separately together, than separately apart. But either way, it's no fun. I pray you find healing and happiness!
Ciao girl...

I wish I could help - sounds like you are in an intolerable situation. I agree with Casey/Anno - focus on your positives. Are there any kinds of group activiites that you can participate in (reading groups, exercise groups) where you can get some positive re-inforcement and perhaps do some networking ?

Nan

Emyjay..yes you do..you have somewhere to go, if you really need it, I am sure. I had "no where to go" when I decided to seperate from my husband..and within about a month, a good friend called me to tell me that her son was traveling to the US (to play hockey) and I could have his apartment for about a year. The apartment was in the middle of Stockholm and I staid the year..if you really need something, it will come to you..
You know, Emyjay, you can get so much from your friends, old and new..but they can´t take the place of the intimacy that you can have with your partner. Won´t you be trying to fill a hole that cannot be filled???
You have talked to therapists along your way and I am sure that they can help you better than I can. I am just trying to raise some questions and thoughts..Maybe your husband has some intimacy issues that he needs help with? Or maybe he´s finding turning 60 difficult?
Thinking of you..and good luck..

Yeah, I tend to think your hubby has some major issue going on. Maybe he feels like he can't perform and is afraid to take a chance.

Have you communicated with him about this in a sane conversation? Does he really know how you feel? Have you written him a letter to share your emotions and how important this is to you? Maybe you could take a nice little mini vacation to get away from whatever may stress him at home?

I wouldn't give up. You sound very healthy about your needs and addressing them. I think sharing this with us was a big step. However, I would leave the ex out of it. Try to focus on making things right with your hubby. I'll be praying for a nice heart to heart conversation about the issue. At least, then, he will know exactly where you stand.

Emyjay,
Perhaps, the guy can't help the way he acts? My husband was raised by very private people; none of his family can put three WORDS together. His mom's a little more outgoing, now.
But it's been over 25 years that we've been married. His
brother talks less than he does. They don't know how to express affection; they don't how to say sweet nothings; they don't know how to even write lovey-dovey stuff. Some of it could be gender. It's been my experience that guys good at coming on strong, also cheat. The man must have some good qualities. Something attracted you to him. Focus on his best; and like Dotsie says, tell him what bugs you.
I haven't seen a perfect man, yet. Though, my dad was close to perfect. My hubby has his faults but so do I. As I've heard others say, "There was only ONE that was perfect and you know what they did to HIM!"
Prayers and blessings...

Emyjay,
It sounds as if you're fed up. I'm sure many boomers have been there and done that. From here on in, I just want you to know I really do understand. It's just that I don't give a rat's a*& anymore, as far as my own situation is concerned. But if U R in the market for something new, bws is here for U. Prayers and blessings!!!!

Emjay, About not being touched: Human touch is SO powerful and SO important.
I am a Chronic Pain patient and at times, a TOUCH in the right way can STOP amazing and unimagineable pain! Human touch is powerful, very!
If you are not touched, you are not completely alive! You must feel touch and touch in a positive and loving way.
I'm so sorry this is happening but I wanted to stress to you the importance of human touch in our lives!
I hope you find a way to be touched with love and respect and with a positive energy that will revive you and more!
dancer

Im so sorry for you are getting through such sort of pain. Have you ever talked heart to heart with him? I guess you really need to find out the real reason for the problem.

luvneverends, now that's an interesting concept. Where'd you come with that one?

luvneverends,
I looked here to C if I should respond and realized I omitted a word in that last sentence. [Where did you come up with that one?] 'tis what I meant to say. What prompted this remark was, I have had love end, I thought never would!