Wedding rings, pain, and ego

My husband and I have been separated twice. He was dealing with a lot of issues including conflict avoidance, problems with his parents, a fragile ego, and more. We have quite a history that includes his infidelity, his lying, and his misusing significant amounts of our money. In both of our separations, he came to me saying he wanted a divorce after he had consulted an attorney, rented an apartment, bought furniture and was totally ready to go.

The second time he told me he wanted a divorce I took off my wedding ring as soon as I realized I was wearing it. I locked it up in a safe. After a nine-month separation, we reconciled in December. Since that time, I have thought about and missed my wedding ring and I have gotten my wedding ring out of the safe a number of times and considered putting it on, but I have never so much as put it on my finger. (My husband has never taken his ring off.)

My husband has never said a word about the ring. My finger feels naked but there is something about putting my wedding ring back on, especially after he left me and especially since he has not asked me to do so, that is absolutely repugnant.

I don't want to bring up the discussion of the wedding ring because I feel so strongly that he needs to do it. The things he did led to my taking it off and I need the demonstration that he cares that I have not put it back on.

I bought another much more modest ring the other day and put it on my right hand and my husband didn't say a word about my wedding ring then, either. Right now, my plan is to buy myself a really beautiful slap-in-the-face ring in the next couple of years and wear it on my right hand.

I know how this sounds and certainly my buying a "right-hand ring" feels spiteful. My question to you is, what would you do if you were in my place? Am I wrong to have not put my ring on without anything being said? Am I wrong to not bring it up with him? And what do you do with a wedding ring when you re still married but you are unwilling to wear it?

My second question is this:
Both times when my husband left, there were a lot of really significant secrets that had not yet come out through counselling. And both times, I really wanted to save our marriage. Now that he is back, my husband will sometimes say, "I'm glad I came back home" (this should make me happy, right?). The last couple of times he has said this, I have replied with, "When you say that, I need you to say, "I'm glad you let me come back."

It really bothers me when he says, "I"m glad I came back home." Can you help me figure out why?

I feel very strongly about the symbolism of a wedding ring also. My situation is not like yours but I do believe that if you have forgiven your husband and I do mean truly forgiven him, his past is wiped clean - which means all you should be focusing on is the future. If you really love your husband and are happy to be with him you should wear the ring. You never know what that may spark when he sees it on you. It bothers you when he says, "I'm glad I came back home" is just wonderful. He is saying he is glad he made the right decision, he knows you are the one he wants to be with. I do not know your past history, but it appears almost like you want to be recognized and praised for "allowing him back home", but by him. Men are so different from us women - they think so differently. In his mind, when he says that he's glad he came back home, he is telling you "thanks for having me back". I'm not really sure by what you have said that you really wanted him back though or that you were ready and healed enough to take him back. My advice is be happy, don't dwell on the past, focus on the future and live your life to it's fullest.

I feel for you Struggling, but please allow me to express how wonderful it is to find someone struggling with similar problems to mine. Especially someone else who is struggling with the staying married despite it all bit.
One of the happiest days of my life was when we picked up our engagement ring. I remember driving home with my hand on the window ledge thinking that the whole world must be blinded by the diamonds and that everyone must be able to see how happy I was. My wedding ring was also full of meaning. I have a blog site where my sad tale is told.
During the early days of knowing, I was in deep depression, and close to throwing myself in front of a truck. I did not do this because I knew that eventually I would make it through and whether we were together or not, I would be OK. I did however give my rings to my daughter (who had unhappily overhead conversations between my husband and his friend and my husband and myself, and who also was used by him to impress his intended girlfriend). I did not want to throw my rings away because once again, I knew that things would eventually be OK, I also did not want the other woman to 'win' (probably not quite the right word but I am struggling to find a more appropriate one) in any way.
I have imagined taking my rings off and asking my husband to give them back to me when he is truly back to me. I believe that Susan is right, Men do think differently.
But you know what, I also believe in some recent sage advise (from this site) that you and I need to really live each moment, not dwell on the past but look forward to all the good things that are now possible. Because my husband did what he did, even though it was horrible, it allowed him to actually share feelings with me, to talk to me and for us to feel somewhat close again. So it was awful, but we are determined to make it good. And you know what, I think because he came so close to loosing us all he has had a rethink - he is much more attentive to the children and involves them in projects etc. We have a long way to go but we are at least on the way there.

I wish I knew exactly how to forgive. There's no magic wand and there's no fairy dust. It's a process and I am much further down the road than I was a year ago but I still have a way to go.

I know that I am holding on to it in part defensively. As long as I remember it and haven't quite forgiven, I feel that I am somewhat prepared for whatever may come and I am protecting myself from ever being hurt like that again.

You are right. The rings are highly symbolic and not wearing a wedding ring is breaking my heart. A wedding ring is a gift of love and it is a promise, and if I were to put it on without anything ever having been said or my husband having asked me to do so, it would simply be a pretty accessory -- not a gift and a promise from him to me. That does NOT feel right.

DebShines -- I fully understand your statement that you have thought about taking your rings off and giving them back to your husband and telling him to give them back to you when he is truly back. I feel that the first time my husband gave me wedding rings was fluff -- we had no idea what it meant and where life was going to take us. Today, if my husband were to give me a ring with a heartfelt promise, it would be truly meaningful. The fact that he hasn't is meaningful as well.

When I try to step into his head, I realize that he is a true conflict avoider and wants to avoid having this conversation. I believe that he thinks "I have no right to ask her to wear a wedding ring." "She will put it on when she is ready."

My feelings are all over the board. I feel it needs to be a gift from him to me. I feel it needs to be a promise. I feel he needs to be the instigator of the discussion. I feel that his not discussing it is another miscalculation of my needs. I feel deeply hurt.

quote:

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Originally posted by struggling2:
I wish I knew exactly how to forgive. There's no magic wand and there's no fairy dust. It's a process and I am much further down the road than I was a year ago but I still have a way to go.

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Dear struggling, I want to welcome you with a big cyber hug and welcome. Above you will see a quote from your post. Here is my contribution reply. Please read it in its warmth.

If you are going to forgive your husband, why not sooner than later? Why do you need a process to do so? What is going to be different next week or next month or for that matter, next year. Why not decide to do (the inevitable) and forgive today. Unless you are not going to continue with this man, I think you owe it to yourself especially, to let go and channel your energy into mending all that is broken. Yes, time is a great healer but a mind is the greatest healer of all. Your mind...and how you use it. If your long term goal is to have your marriage back, maybe it is time you planned how to fix it, not keep it broken.
As I reread my post, I want to assure you, that my words are written with the most genuine concern for you and how you are feeling. It is just a suggestion. It just might be the answer you need to hear...and then maybe it's not.
Sometimes we have to take control of our feelings and make ourselves feel good (forgiving, happy, joyous) when we don't want to.
Let the love you have for this man break through.
Surprise him? No...surprise yourself.
I wish you Peace.
chick