I Don't Know What to Do!

Here is the situation: I'm the one married to the abusive alcoholic who seems to be trying in his own way to do the right thing. He's really not a bad man or I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. I love him and feel sorry for him that he is the way he is. He has worked as a postman for 26 years and has a lot of friends and is well liked and well known in the community. He hasn't done anything physical for a long time now and is trying to be as congenial and cooperative as he can be. He is a wounded combat veteran of the Viet Nam war and has a Purple Heart. He says his physical problems and his personality just can't accommodate a three year old. According to him he didn't even have tolerance for his own 3 children. Their mothers raised them apart from him.
He is taking a disability retirement from his work, is selling the house and moving into an apartment complex as the onsite manager. He says he needs me to help him run the complex.
He says I am his wife and he loves me and just wants the two of us to be together. It is a two bedroom, 1 1/2 bath apartment.
The rest of the story is that my youngest daughter who is 23 and her 3 yr. old daughter are living with us right now. My daughter was arrested when she was 19 with her drug dealer boyfriend who is also the father of my 3 yr. old grandaughter. He is serving time in prison. My daughter has been on probation for 3 yrs. Violated it 3 times and is now facing either time herself or going into a program. The program will be outpatient but will be quite intense, therapy, groups, etc. She may not be able to work to support herself and child and she can't drive because she has no license without a special insurance which is very expensive and her license has been suspended. She will have to carry that type of insurance for 3 yrs. She is trying to get her life together and to get out of trouble once and for all. I believe her this time as I actually see her feet moving in that direction.
My husband is making me choose between him and my daughter and grandaughter. We are to move within 2 wks. and my daughter and grandaughter will have no place to live if I don't somehow come up with first, last and security deposit and rent an apartment for us. My husband said he would ask for a loan from his friends of $5K to give to me to take care of the three of us then pay them back when the house, which is in my name too, sells.
Now me, I don't feel like I will ever have a life of my own with the freedom to work and get up and come home to a peaceful, organized home that I have decorated the way I want to.
I haven't had any friends of my own for years as women usually don't like the fact that I think like a man. I am left and right brain and a MENSA member. This fact doesn't endear me to my husband either... Analytical and creative at the same time. I've been on the front lines for a very long time and am a bit angry. I love my daughter very much but I have two others with children also who need me to be their mom. The other thing is that I like men and dating and being in a relationship. I don't want to just be my daughter's nanny and chaffeur. I've been in that position before. My other two daughters think my life revolve around my youngest since she was 11 yrs. old. She has been in and out hospitals, drug rehab, jail. She OD'd on GHB once while I was driving a semi in Oklahoma and I had to rent a car and drive straight thru to the hospital in FL. I was very ill myself while driving and didn't know if I would find her alive or not. I stopped at an ER myself on the way because I couldn't breathe. When I got there they said her boyfriend had carried her out of there to their home. She realizes now that she has made many mistakes and he was one of the biggest.

I've had to sell my car for bail before and am now making car payments again. I could go on and on about the length and breadth of assistance, time, agony and money I have spent helping her until I'm tapped out.

I love my family and my husband with all my heart. I don't know what to do. I'm the only family member she has in FL. No one else is willing to help her. Everyone else has basically written her off. I have hope for her and faith that she will make it. She is a charming, beautiful young woman, wants to be a crime scene investigator. She has shown so much improvement in the past year and this program might be very beneficial to her.
I feel pressure from everywhere including myself. My husband says I'm abandoning him, my daughter says she needs me for just a little while longer, my grandaughter certainly needs me, my other two daughters and their children need their mom and grandmom.
I need to go fishing and relax on the beach. I need to read a good book and cry and talk to friends and laugh at a good movie.
My only sister hasn't spoken to me for two years because she doesn't approve of me. We used to talk all the time. I have a friend but I hate to burden her with my issues. I'd rather have fun with her and she is a mutual friend of my husband and I.
When I get home today after working 8 hrs., my daughter will want me to drive her to the gym and watch my grandaughter for a couple of hours while she works out, then my husband will be angry and wanting me to help move to the new apartment, I will need to be finding an apartment or somewhere for my daughter/her daughter/ and myself to live, and cook dinner, play with and pay attention to my grandaughter and I have an upper respiratory infection. I need to rest. My daughter and I are working thru 'The Purpose Driven Life' together and trying to trust God for whatever happens to us.

Number5, I totally understand how you want to be everythig to everyone. You are in the middle, which is an awful place to be. There has to be a way that you can be there for those who need you, at the same time, not killing yourself!
I understand wanting to help your daughter and granddaughter. It sounds like your daughter takes advantage of you, though. Why does she need to spend hours working out while you are watching her child, while sick and exhausted? You have to let everyone around you know that you are human and you have limits. 3 year olds are very tiring.
Your husband sounds very immature and expects you to be his mommy, too. He took on your kids when he married you and you took on his. He shouldn't tell you that you'd be abandoning him.
I really don't have any answers for you, but you keep saying what you need. I'm wondering if you've told THEM what you need? They will put you in an early grave if they all keep putting this stuff on you and then they'd have to manage w/o you anyway.
I hope I don't sound too harsh here, I don't mean to be. Believe me, I have always tried to take care of everyone in my life and it doesn't
work. It upsets me when I hear about wonderful women like you, being taken advantage of.

[ January 16, 2006, 03:57 PM: Message edited by: Bluebird ]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Bluebird. It touched my heart to hear that someone thinks I'm wonderful. I don't get to hear that much. Sometimes just a little bit of encouragement goes a long way.
I still don't know what will happen, but I'm trusting completely in God to help my daughter, grandaughter and myself find a way out.
I'm hoping my best for my husband too. Its not wrong to love your enemies. I'll never let him hurt me again though.

Oh, and the latest is that the 5K that he was going to give me to take care of my daughter and grandaughter is now reduced to "what I deserve" which is maybe 2K.
I'm not quite sure what I did to be undeserving of the 5K....still trying to figure that one out, but my daughter starts working today and I told my husband when I came home yesterday that I loved him but my daughter and grandaughter were my first priority and I would not abandon them, that all the money I make would have to go into helping to support them while she goes through the program and gets out of trouble with the law.
Once that is accomplished, she is on her own. It should take about a year. By then I will be 57-58.
He says I'm going to put him into an early grave. He needs me to help him run the apartment complex. It looks like, unless a miracle happens, I will be working 40 hrs. a week at my job, coming home and helping to run an apartment complex, my daughter and grandaughter will live in a one bedroom there also, rented by me and me paying all the utilities, groceries, daycare, etc. with my daughter contributing as she can while going through the program, taking my grandaugher to and from daycare and spending time with her, providing transportation until my daughter gets her license and ins. issues resolved, going to the Y to work out, and still trying to find time for myself.
Does life still go on with gusto after 60? I'm so afraid I will miss out on everything.

I'm in the middle of making my daughter get on her feet and take care of herself too. It's draining in all ways.

The fact that she wanted you to watch her child while she worked out caught my attention. With a full load already on your shoulders, it sounds like she's using you.

I know how emotional this is but I also know it's important to get our priorities straight and if your daughter is really going to pull through this time, it might be a good idea to watch from a distance instead of being right in the middle of it. My daughter seems to do better when I back away.

Sorry you're going through this and you are wonderful!

Number5, you are wonderful, and youare doing everything to care for everyone but yourself. that concerns me.

I think it's great that you are helping your daughter, but I think it is wise of you to set limits with her. Give her a time frame to work with. I will help you until such a date, and then you are on your own. Tough love is incredibly hard, but in the end you may both have your independence, and your lives back. Thoughts?

Number5, you are such a wonderful and giving woman but what are all these people who are also supposed to love you giving back to you? If you wind up in the hospital from exhaustion what will they do? Think about it.

I have a dear elderly friend who is in almost the same position with regards to her daughter and grandchildren. I use to always encourage her to help them and stick with them but I don't anymore. Their neediness to her is never ending and won't be until she learns to say no. She has taken on all their problems and has heaped it on her shoulders like a pile of rotting dung. She is depressed and doesn't even know it. I did point it out to her. She needs constant reinforcing that she IS a wonderful lady who deserves better.

Please, look in the mirror at the wonderful, giving person you see there and tell her she is a great person.

Only you know what you have to do. Dianne is so right when she says to take a step back. I think your mental and physical health depend on you being able to do this.

Keep posting and letting us know how you are.
With love from, Ladybug

Both my daughter and my husband use the same tac with me. If I tell either of them that I can't do something they want me to do like if I said, "I don't want to live in the apartment with you and run the complex, I want to live with my daughter and grandaughter and help support them", he said, "Well, I'll just call so and so and just tell them I can't manage the apartment complex for them and you go your way and I'll go mine and I'll just get myself an apartment somewhere and miss out on all the benefits this opportunity will allow", or "I'll just continue to work my tired crippled ass off at the postoffice and be in pain every day until I drop dead or retire." Well, he knows that neither of these options are pleasing to someone who loves them. Its like saying, "If I can't be boss, I'll just go play in the street."
My daughter does the same thing. If I indicate to her that I'm not going to do something she wants from me, she says, "Well, me and A (her daughter) will just go stay with so and so" who of course, is totally unacceptable to me and not a good or healthy environment for my grandaughter to be in. They both know I will buckle and it is emotional blackmail and I know it but am unwilling to suffer the consequences of the outcome.
Remember the story in the Bible about the two women who both claimed to be the mother of the infant child. Both mothers came to Solomon who was acting as judge. He said to the women, "Well, bring me a saw and we'll just cut the child into and give one half to each mother upon which the REAL mother said, "No, its her child, I was just lieing. The child belongs to her. Let her have it. Sometimes choices aren't easy and we make them out of love and fear.

Number5 I DO understand the emotional turmoil you are experiencing, especially in regards to your dear little grandchild.

Here is something I was thinking about. If a person succeeds in making another person feel worthless, then that person has gained an advantage over you. That person has convinced you that you don't deserve anything better. This person can now, call all the shots and manipulate you. This is what it appears everyone is doing to you. Call your daughter on her bluff by saying, "go ahead, go live with so and so, if you think it will be a better environment for your daughter." Learn to use some of their manipulative tactics, maybe they need a taste of their own medicine, so to speak.

Thank you Dotsie, Ladybug and Dianne.
I'm giving my daughter until she has completed the program and is able to work to support herself and her daughter then I'm moving on and giving it all to her.
I wish I could trust her with my grandchildren. I know she loves them but that same inability to think past the moment carries over to them. My grandaughter needs medicaid, WIC, things like that. I can't put her on my insurance because I'm not legal guardian.
My daughter used to strip and make so much money. She is used to having thousands and now that she has given that up and is trying to keep a "normal" job, she is having to get used to a more normal lifestyle. No $300 sunglasses and $150 shoes and the most expensive makeup. Her car payment is $400 a month.
I only hope she isn't lured back into that lifestyle again, "just long enough to make a grip of money then get back out again...."
She didn't give her sister but $100 the whole 8 months that she had my grandaughter along with her own two boys as a single parent.
But, she was going to the clubs, buying very expensive clothing, staying in nice hotels, living a posh lifestyle. She had to drink and do drugs to strip because she hated it but loved the money.
Now that she has her daughter with her, she feels bad about what she did and doesn't want to get back into it.
Since she has tasted the finer things in life like Mac makeup and $300 purses, it will really be hard for her to buy her purse at Target and look for bargains. To wear Maybelline or Max Factor.
Never in my life have I been able to have things like that. I've gone through thousands of dollars for her and the only expensive thing she has ever bought me was a purse for Christmas.
I have started putting my size 7 1/2 shoe down and saying "NO" and meaning it. I say what I think now and tell her what I'm willing to do and not do. Now I have the advantage if I need it of going to her probation officer and she knows it.
I've done it before and she claims I'M the reason she got into all this trouble, because I turned her in....for all I knew, she was dead. I found her days later coming out of a sleazy hotel with two black guys looking like Hell from being drugged out and who knows what else happened to her. God led me to her in a city of thousands of people. I had no idea where she was but a hotel in the sleazest part of town drew my attention and sure enough she was there. I had my gun with me and would have used it to protect either her or myself if need be.
I have had a Hell of a life, but I know God has a purpose for me and I just need to find it and go with it.

Your daughter has made the bad choices with her life not you. She's an adult who needs to own up to those poor choices she made without blaming others for her mistakes.

You've been the best mother you can be to her. Now it's her turn to show you some love and respect as well. You need that just as much as she does.

Oh, gross, I think my husband has some sort of infatuation with my 23 yr. old daughter. He used to frequent the strip clubs and knows all the 'tricks' of the trade if you know what I mean.
She just started working at a restaurant that is frequented by his coworkers and one of them made a comment about how 'hot' the new waitress there is and my husband told the coworker, "That's my stepdaughter'. He has verbally bemoaned his belief that, as he put it, "I'll never have a 22 yr. old again...." How would that make you feel as his wife??
Last night he told me I was old and just needed to accept that I am a senior citizen. I told him that with exercise and weight loss I could easily look ten years younger. He laughed and said, "Yeah, if the person was blind maybe."
He says the 20 and 30 yr. olds on his route flirt with him all the time. He says if a woman or girl smiles and is friendly with him what they really want is sex. I think I have married a very sick man....what do you think?

Number5, that's verbal abuse. I think you're right to think his words and actions are sick.

And if you're a senior citizen, isn't he also?

Oh my, I despise that mentality in men. Sorry, but it is so degrading. Don't you think?

My thoughts exactly Dotsie. As for those younger girls wanting to have sex with him, that's very wishful thinking on his part. They're probably thinking, who is this horny, old goat, he's giving me the creeps with all that leering. That's what my beautiful, young daughter says when I point out how some old goat is leering at her.

Unless he's got the financial portfolio that Donald Trump has all he can do is look.

Number5, the next time you speak to your husband, ask him, "And just what do you want with an old, senior citizen like me, anyhow?"
I'd be curious as to his answer.
I haven't posted much on your topic on "I don't know what to do." I am praying for God to lead you in the right direction. I know that our words may or may not change your mind. I am, however, trusting that the point of no return will hit you and when it does, there'll be no turning back. Stay close to us. Please try to be on the outside looking in(your own window at your situation)as we are. It is difficult for us to know what you are experiencing. Some of us have been there, and we fear for your safety.
Love and Hugs
chick

I believe you answered your own question.
You deserve so much better.

I also think your husband is insecure and the aging issue is really about his OWN aging, not yours. Sometimes people like this feel good putting other people down because it makes him feel superior to you. Compassionate people cannot be abusers (my own opinion).

If he truly is an alcholic, which he seems to be then his "plumbing" isn't working too well either. He should really consider that those young girls smiling at him are probably just laughing at him.

[ January 18, 2006, 03:05 PM: Message edited by: ladybug ]

You're husband is a jerk, living in some unrealistic place in his feeble brain and you are the scapegoat for his own self loathing....Buy him a T-shirt that reads:

GEEZER - Imaginary stud muffin.

I agree with Ladybug, those aren't flirting smiles they're polite grins to keep from cracking up laughing at the foolish old goat.

Aint' it the truth??!!!!

Chatty, I love your straightforward approach. He really is a jerk. I'm just looking for that point of no return then my plan is to grab up my grandaughter and head for Nebraska where her brother lives and I have the support, love and respect of other family members and a job awaits me. The main thing keeping me here is my youngest who seems to be in another 'serious' relationship, this time with a rap magazine promoter instead of a drug dealer. In his own way he is alright, but not good 'father' material for my grandaughter. It seems men if his ilk think it is a status symbol to "put a baby in a woman". What kind of thinking is that anywayi??!! I fear my daughter will try to move in with him and have my grandaughter with her. I will take her to NE so fast she'll get whip lash on the way! I'm so angry right now. I didn't sleep at all last night and have to work all day and worry about keeping my job so I can support evryone...my stomach is very upset.
My husband stormed out of the house this morning slamming the door and peeling out of the driveway because I lay awake worrying about where my daughter and grandaughter were going to live. He said he should come first. I'm getting rapidly to that point of no return. Thank you ladies for your support and prayers.

Number5, my heart aches for you because in all your posts I realize that you know what is right, but due to all the people involved, you have a tough decision to make.

I see your pace in life as spinning wheels. You need to take time to be still and silently consider to whom your allegiance lies. Is it to yourself, your daughter, grandaughter, or your husband. Make notes, lists, whatever you need to do to make this decidion. Then decide how you will go about fulfilling that allegiance. Be intentional about this. It's your life, and deep down you want to be fulfilled. You can do it...

Thank you, Dotsie. I will try to find that time. I pray on my way to work every day. I have a 30min. drive. It helps. God reminded me lately that 'Unless God builds the house, the labor is in vain.' I need God to be the builder of my future houses.

Numbers5, I feel that you want to that which is best, especially for the grandaughter. Not only do you want your grandaughter to have a fulfilling life, you do not want her to make the same mistakes her mother (your daughter) made.

Whilst at the same time, you have a great deal of love for your husband and daughter, both of whom place heavy demands upon your shoulders and it appears that neither returns the favor.

Tough love, we've all heard that, your daughter needs to grow up! It is unfair that your husband expects you to work full-time and then assist him with the apartment complex. He must have some other means of support (either through the post office or a retirement?). Why must you work two jobs and support your daughter?

This is a decision with consequences, and unfortunately regardless of which decision you make, even though you are in the right, they will blame you for their inadequacies or shortcomings. Do not be a scapegoat.

Preferably, I would take the daughter, granddaughter and move to NE where you've stated a job is awaiting you. If you do this, please ensure to set ground rules for the daughter. Perhaps her brother can locate a shelter that has counseling (group counseling is good b/c she can learn from others). She needs job skills and perhaps begin taking a course at the local tech school. She can (needs) look into any public assistance involving education, groceries, employment, etc.

I'm praying that God will help with the decision, too. It's difficult to say "give it to the Lord," but sometimes we must!

Ladies, I see this as urgent. My husband and daughter will not be able to get along, even if she and my grandaughter live a few blocks from us. He stated this morning that he is going to let the people wanting him to manage the apartment complex that he can't do it and will sell 'his' house and rent an apartment for himself.
My daughter says she won't be the reason I leave my husband and I assured her she and my grandaughter aren't the reason. I told her I was going to look for an apartment today big enough for the 3 of us that I can afford. She then stated that she and my grandaughter would just move in with her boyfriend who is 45!! and has a roommate who has a child in a 3 BR apartment far away from where I live.
My blood is ice water today. Even though my daughter is on probation and is facing all kinds of legal issues and can't leave the state, she still is 23 and my grandaughter's mother.
If I try to snatch my grandaughter up today and run to another state to live where I and she have support and a life awaits us there, she will surely call the authorities or write me off forever and accuse me as she always does of ruining her life.
She is talking about getting a job as a bartender while in a drug rehab program??!! I cried this morning and almost had a breakdown because I want so much to just bolt and leave both my husband and my daughter for my sake and the sake of my grandaughter.
My daughter claims that she isn't using drugs and hasn't been drinking for a long time now....a month or more....says her boyfriend is responsible for keeping her feet firmly planted and that's OK for her, she is an adult, but my 3 yr. old grandaughter has had enough drama in her life.
My daughter wanted to go out to the club last night with her friends when she had to be at work this morning at 8. I tried to encourage her not to go. My husband threw a fit and she didn't go. Now she is angry.
My daughter may be right, I may just be using she and her daughter as an excuse to leave my husband. For whatever the reasons, I need peace in my life and safety and sanity for myself and my grandaughter. As my daughter reminded me this morning,"She's MY daughter, mom, and even though we need you, we don't have to live with you."
I don't know what to do!!!????

Number, I agree with Dotsie's advice. When you write your feelings down, you can see the truth in black and white. The ones who are placing so many demands on you are trying to manipulate you and would like you to deny reality. By writing your story, you will be more sure of what you need to do.

I did this while going through my divorce and I can't tell you how much it helped. Whey my x would try his tactics, I would read my journal and it would strengthen me.

I pray for you to have courage and peace.

Daisygirl

Basically, when I write in this forum, I am journaling. When I read the things I have written, if I were one of you reading this, I would cringe.
I'm allowing myself to be held hostage and I know that's not what God would want for me. I want the respect of both my husband and daughter, but more importantly, I want to have self respect.
My husband can't mentally take the drama of life with a 3 yr. old and a 23 yr. old spoiled, manipulator, trying to get her life together. He can't take much and likes things simple and very easy going. So do I, but life isn't always like that, certainly not for me. He says you can make your life that way by telling everyone else to ***off. Sometimes you can't tell everyone else to &&&off.
I've never lived alone and I'm afraid to. I would rather live in a troubled home with other people than live alone.
Loneliness is terrifying. I can't take the drama either and living with my husband is constant drama if things don't go just exactly the way he wants them to.
So, ladies, please keep me in your prayers and I will wait to see what develops as I give this over to God to handle it for me.

Number5, you state you have never lived alone and are afraid of it. Sometimes this is why the known evil is chosen over the unknown, even if you have very good reason to believe that the unknown HAS to be better.

Move. Don't be afraid, because the strength is inside you. You'll be surprised how strong you are once you give yourself permission.

Move. Your daughter may screw up, but she needs to learn how to take care of herself. She's an adult. As long as you let her jerk your strings, she'll do it. Also let her know that you'd be happy to take your granddaughter whenever the burden gets too much for her. My guess is, when she's 100% in charge of your granddaughter, without you coming in to pick up the pieces of her mess every single time, she may learn responsibility -- or at the very least, realize that she isn't mature enough to handle it, and relinquish the child to you.

Do you have any trusted friends? Your daughter may call the authorities if you "steal" your granddaughter, but if you had someone to watch for you, you can call child authorities to complain of her neglect. As a matter of fact, you should do it now, before you leave. Write down everything she's screwing up, because she seems unfit to be a parent.

Your daughter and husband will learn how to fend for themselves. You need to do the same. As long as you stay, the cycle of abuse will continue.

Move. You are strong enough. We will all send our love and prayers, and hold you up in our virtual arms.

May the Universe bless and protect you.

Number5 you also stated you could move out of state where you had a job waiting for you. Merediths advice is sound and really the only option you have to save your sanity and your health. Living alone does not mean lonliness. You can make friends at work or even join a support group wherever you move to. Does your daughters probation and/or legal issues mean possibly jail time? If this is a possiblilty you may need to take on the care of your grand daughter anyway. Perhaps turning her in would be the best way to give her time to heal. This is such a delema and I feel for the confusion that must be racing through your mind....

Chatty Lady and Meredithbead, my daughter can't leave the state and move with her daughter and I. If I stick my neck out for her one more time, it will be the last time. She is either facing prison or program, one or the other. If prison, I know I'll have my grandaughter, if program, she will be living outside but in intense counselling and training. Probably won't be able to work full time to support herself so will need my money, time and transportation.
My husband told the people that we won't be managing the apartment complex so we don't have to move until the house closes.
Now my choices are either stay with my husband and let my daughter and grand sink or leave my husband and rent my own place where my daughter, grand and myself can live, or let my daughter move in with her boyfriend and let my grand and I have our own place, or move to another state and let all three of them go down.
Legally can't take the grandaughter and run or daughter can press charges and then the both of us or maybe just me would spend time vacationing in the crossbar hotel.

Number5, Here's a website about addiction that came in my email this morning from beliefnet.com. Maybe it will be of interest to you.
http://www.beliefnet.com/healthandhealing/getcontent.aspx?cid=14185

It sounds as if you feel that moving to a new state is your only hope of escape from what sounds like enslavement to your family. Surely there is employment nearby that would enable you to establish your independence, but help out when you feel it is justified. Geographic separation is not the answer if you maintain the emotional dependence.

You can conquer your fear of being alone only by facing it down. And only if you can separate yourself from what appears to be a toxic co-dependency, can you give your granddaughter the role model she needs to grow up emotionally healthy.

We're all wishing you the best and praying for you.

smile

I 'm going to get blasted for this but will say it anyway....Number 5, you said "i would rather live in a troubled house, than live alone" ... you've also said, your husband has a drinking problem, etc. etc. you've also said you are employed, which indicates you are not financially depend upon your husband.... sounds to me, any three year old, whose mom makes the choices she has and whose grandmother would rather live in turmoil than go it alone, is the only one i'd be concerned about, she is in need of protection. Sorry, but this little girl, should be in foster care until some adults get their act together.

My daughter is a loving, caring mother. Just because someone gets into trouble when they are 19 and the wheels of justice grind slowly and she is now 23, does not make her a poor parent. She bathes, dresses, works for, plays with, buys toys for, takes to the park, cooks and prepares meals for her daughter. She loves her with all her heart. My daughter has issues that need to be addressed, true, but would you take a child away from a cancer patient? What makes mental or emotional illness any different than physical illness?
I am a responsible, intelligent, caring grandparent and parent who is experiencing a tumultous time in my growth as an individual. But, I will make it and we will all be fine. This is what I get for allowing myself to be vulnerable to a community of women??!!
The foster care program in this state LOSES children and don't check to see if they are mistreated. The foster care program in this state enlists toothless, dirty people with dirty homes to care for children and you would propose to put my precious grandaughter in a strange environment with people who don't think her dancing like a princess is cute and laugh at her antics, who could care less that she has earned big girl panties now or that she love Dora the Explorer??!!
You can be sure that I will not be posting on this site again.

Number5...everyone here has an opinion...it is not the opinion of all. Not everything that is mentioned will work for you, some is helpful some not.
If, you didn't love your daughter or granddaughter you wouldn't be here sharing your heart with all of us. Each and everyone one of my children have made choices I didn't agree with, but, I always stood close by to help in any manner I could.
It's just about all you can do...stand by in case they need a hand for support. Absolutely nothing is stronger than a mama's love, or her ability to support that love.
Sounds from what I'm reading, you decided to rent an apartment and have your daughter and granddaughter with you. Not sure I wouldn't do the same thing. You love them both much, and it shows.
What ever you decide...it will be the right thing.

Really too bad your husband isn't more loving and understanding, but... your seeing the "real" person now. Not a pretty sight.

Like you I do not believe, foster care to be the answer. Too much love within your heart for that.

I have found a lot of support here, some I agree with...some not. Take what you can use and leave the rest. Don't take your self away because you don't agree with all.
Just take what information you can use and leave the rest.
Everyone is just trying to help in their own way.
My thoughts and prayers, have been with you.

Number5, really I thought more of you than to see you bolt and run away at the first person whose comment tested your resolve. You are the one that has maligned your own daughter, with reason. And you have maligned your husband to us also with good reason and dear heart you have even maligned yourself to us. We are here as a family, people you can trust and complain to and we listen and we try to help BUT here you also need to take the bad with the good...It is what we do, all of us. I have been at times terribly thought of as a B-witch because I am truthful enough to call em as I se em....We all have had to take some lumps and hopefully we grow from them too. I had to laugh because you have been pretty hard on your daughter in here and then when someone said something rough about her, like the tiger mother you sprang to her defense. Now the question is, do you believe the defense you just gave her? Stay, we need you here to help others and please do not lose trust, we are ALL trying to help whatever way we can....HUGS

nember5, please look for a private message from me. I have faith that your life will turn around because you are aware of your concerns, and willing to do something to make them better for you and your family. Keep the faith.

Number5, I hope you're still reading even if you aren't responding right now. You have such a heavy load and so much stress - it's easy to see why you are defensive when it comes to your daughter. I read all of this last night and have been thinking about it since.

I've tried to put myself in your place to figure out what I'd do, but I can't. I agree that having that little girl put into a foster home is unthinkable unless there is absolutely no other way. Being forced to choose who comes first between your husband and your daughter and granddaughter is unreasonable. All three of them are important.

The most important person right now, in my opinion, is you. If you aren't ok, none of them will be, either. I'm not sure any of us can tell you what is best or what is right; so I'd like to say you should think about what would make you feel best and work from there.

Don't feel you're being selfish if you put yourself first in this situation; I feel it is the most generous thing you could do because you will be giving the best of yourself to your granddaughter, your daughter and your husband. They will respect you for the loving and intelligent woman you are.

Number5, my dear, every woman here is your sister. When you ask a sister for her advice, or opinion, you expect her to give you an honest answer, based on information you provide. We are all sympathetic to your situation.

We've all been in situations that seem to have no resolution. We may have found ourselves caught in a cycle, a circle of behavior, or of day to day living, that we have known must alter, or else we shall continually suffer, mentally, physically, emotionally. Actual steps have to be taken, to cause this alteration. Steps that may be prompted by good, honest, informed advice from another caring human being, who has the benefit of viewing a situation through the eyes of objectivity.

Advice is what is offered, after facts are weighed, circumstances are understood, problems made clear, and constructive ways in which to correct the problem are divined. Genuine advice is meant as a prompter to positive action.


http://www.intouchwithjeannine.com

Number5, I think Danita's quote:

"As long as there is breath, there is hope"

might be appropriate here.

I continue to ponder your situation and offer prayers for you and your loved ones.

Thank you all. No matter what problems we have or what differences, we are sisters and I appreciate all your advice.

If anyone is interested, here is an update. We sold our house and since the buyer wanted it for income property, my husband is going to rent it for my daughter, grandaughter and I for 3 months until we find out what the court wants to do.
Meantime, he is moving to the apartment complex to manage it.
I have three months to decide what to do with the rest of my life.
My desire is for my daughter to get out of trouble and get the help she needs and the three of us to move to the other state where a job, home and support waits.
My parents have been such a blessing to me. I can pick up the phone and call them anytime and they are always there. Dad will be 80 in May and my mom is 74. They are both as sharp as tacks and funny. I love them so much.
Please pray that God will work everything out in his own time and within his will for us.
I'm having a ball with my grandaughter. Today I'm taking her to see the manatees. She brings me great joy.

Oh, Number 5, I have been so worried for your safety. I know it is hard and overwhelming right now, but at least you and your family are safe. God will continue to work out the details for you.

You may find that making lists will help if youare feeling overwhelmed. You have a lot of decisions that wil need to be made. Give yourself time though--you don't have to have the answers for all of them in 3 months!

Make a list of things that will have to be attended to in date order and tackel them one at a time. You may not have the end solution even available right now, so pick a short term solution--like where can I move to when the 3 months are up? You may not move to where you ultimately want to live, but find the interum solution for now. It will take some pressure off you and you won't feel quite so overwhelmed.

Trust God, even when it doesn't look like it--He is taking care of you all. Please keep us posted so we know how to pray for you. Love, Starting Over

Thank you so much, Starting Over, I'm on an emotional roller coaster right now. I feel trapped and misunderstood, so many feelings stirring around in there.
Today on the way home I was just thinking how great it would be to just have someone want to go to church tonight with me or want to just sit at home and hold me while we watch TV or ask me with a smile how my day was.
I'm so sad sometimes.
Instead, my daughter, grandaughter and I went to the Y while my husband went to the bar....
I bought food for all of us and brought it home.
I feel like everyone depends on me. I'm not allowed to show how I truly feel and if I cry, he says, "That door swings both ways."
No sympathy, no love or affection. I guess I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. Sorry.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

#5 I know you are in FL adn I am in MO--I had up Women's Ministries in our local church. So I want you to know that if you will go to church and share your heart with a woman--even if they don't know what to tell you they will get you to someone who can. So what if your daughter won't go. You go for you. God will take care of getting her there. Church family and a deeper relationship with God is what will see you through this. It is there and available, take advantage of it.

In every bad time of my life. My church family has wrapped me in their arms, they have never judged me, they have sheltered me, prayed for me, helped care for me. They have helped me deepen my relationship with the Lord. When I've been out of line they have lovingly set me on teh right path. My 'sisters' have never let me down. In my latest battle, I was brand new to the church-these women didn't even know me--yet they haven't failed me-not once. I encourage you to go. If you want a friend be a friend. I'm praying for you!

Thank you so much Starting Over! I don't know, there just seems to be a stigma attached to you when you are a person with a problem. Its as if people are afraid your "sickness" will rub off on them.
I would love to find a church of loving accepting people who are believers in the gospel of Jesus Christ and not all these new age beliefs I've experienced here from some of the participants who claim the name of Christ...??!!
I'm just awed by what I see as an overwhelming influence in God's church and even the great deception spoken of in Revelations in the last days before the return of Christ; of the lack of moral absolutes and the lack of ANY absolutes. Its as if moral relativism has invaded the very heart of Christianity.
I miss the fellowship of other believers very much..and I want my grandaughter to be in church but not if they are going to teach her that everyone's beliefs are OK and that people who believe in Allah and Buddah and Krishna, and Gaia and the Green God of the Earth and whoever else people sell their allegiance to is OK in God's eyes when he says he is a jealous God and the other religions make a mockery of God's own Son by saying he was just another prophet like Buddah.
I'm almost afraid to go back to church. If you are a believer, you are labelled a hater and a radical extremist. I've never seen such blood lust toward Christians as I have seen lately.
Anyway, I'll pray and ask God to direct me and my little family to a Bible believing church where we can be comforted and instructed and find peace.
Thank you for caring and for your input. It is greatly appreciated. I wish I could go to church where you do.