Help! Cheating, trust issues...

Hi there,

(I know this is long...)

I have been married for just 3 years. About a year ago, I came across some emails that shocked me and really broke my heart. I was planning my husbands 30th birthday bash, it wasn’t a surprise, he knew about it. I planned to email all his friends for the invite. In order to do so I went into his email account.

There was one address that was conflicting, so I decided to check his sent files (such a snoop I know) to see who it was by reading any emails that were sent to this person.
Anyways, after I read their conversation I was go was shocked and hurt. The conversation implied some form of sex, (phone sex is what I’m thinking) he was suggesting for another session. I’ve met this person, she was at our wedding, and they’ve been friends for years. She told him it wouldn’t happen again, because it wasn’t the right thing to do.

So I planned the party and kept this to myself. About a month later I brought it up with him. He was angry big time. He was really defensive, and kept blaming me for invading his privacy. He became so upset that he said, “it was over.” He said, I had no trust in him and that our marriage would never make it. He said that the emails look bad to someone else reading them, but really it was nothing. I asked him to explain, he wouldn’t. I asked him if he was bored with me? He said no. I asked him if it was oral sex, he said no, he said that would be cheating. I said I thought perhaps it was phone sex, he never responded. I asked more questions, he said it was a form of acting and that’s all he would say. He just wanted the subject to be dropped. But my heart hurt so much, I couldn’t believe this was happening, He’s had female friends forever, I just really believed him when he said they they’re just friends. I would always suggest that in marriage things change, that having female friends is not a good idea. That night he promised me that he wouldn’t talk to any of his girl friends.

But he still has all they’re contact info in our database, every last one. I have checked his cell to see if any of them have called and I have seen their numbers. I‘ve checked his emails, but found nothing. I beginning to think that his mentality is “out of sight, out of mind.” When I’m not around he can do whatever he wants.

Recently, I checked his MSM history conversations he had with a couple of his girl friends With one he was big time flirting, his friend asked how I was doing, and his response was, “after I said all that, u had to mention my wife!” He went on to counsel her with her relationship problems. Another, friend, he spoke to was just going thorough a break up and her trust was shattered and again he was counseling her. She thought marriage was a huge step and that commitment was really scary…. his response was, “I know, I’m married, I a have a hard time committing.”

I have started to see a counselor; I guess I just needed to some insight, on my behavior, his behavior and what I should do. I know I am a good wife in every aspect; I take care of him well, at least everyone around me says that. I am I been a nosey wife, or am I just trying to look out for myself. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks

Nikita,
A husband and wife stand before God and are declared One so a wife cannot be nosey. He is a part of the one. Anything he does is a part of you.

Internet or phone sex, is intimate. And it is not only a sexual bond that is broken, but what may be worse, the bond of intimacy is broken.

It sounds as if he also broke your trust. You can forgive him because forgiveness is given, but he will have to earn your trust if he is to ever regain it.

Once broken, trust is forever fragile with cracks that can become caverns and trust is yours to give or not. Only God can completely mend a broken trust. Unless your heart is healed, you may forever be checking on his emails and his communications.

The choice is yours. Prayer is your companion now. We can only pray with and for you. Hang in there to allow God time to work.
smile

[ May 18, 2005, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: smilinize ]

I'm really sorry for your pain. I was married to a cheater.

I don't think you did anything wrong by checking up on him. It sounds like he knows you're going to check emails and has changed his form of communication and if you really want to know what is going on, don't tell him where or what you're checking. I could never keep my big mouth shut long enough to spy!

I think a good counselor can help you a lot but the problem is, who is going to help your husband to commit to a marriage? Does he want this to work? Will he stop? How would he feel if you stayed in touch with men from your past, friends or boyfriends? Would it bother him if you talked sex with another man? I'm thinking it would and if it didn't, you have a husband who will probably never take your marriage seriously.

If it were me, I would set down a hard and fast rule, if it happens again, it's over. You know, a good divorce attorney will ask for the IP address on a computer and track all comings and goings. Even if the history has been deleted. You might consider tracking for future use.

Again, I'm just so sorry for this.

Oh, gosh. I'm so sad this happened to you. It doesn't sound, to me, like your husband "gets" what marriage is all about. It's not "going steady" where the occasional flirtation can be expected. I doubt you want a marriage that is so fraught with distrust, would you? Some men just never grow up, some men feel they've lost their attractiveness to the opposite sex once they marry (and feel they have to prove it, somehow), and some men need constant ego gratification any way they can get it.

I agree with Dianne: once more and you're outta there. For your own sake. Please.

nikita, thanks for sharing your painful experience. You are doing the right thing by getting help for yourself.

Would he consider couple's counseling? It might be a good idea to discuss expectations in your marriage? It seems like your's are different than his. I might add that your's are healthier and more in line with a stable marriage.

I offered a prayer that you take care of you.

Thank you all for your kind words.

I don't think he really understands what marriage is about. He thinks cheating is any physical form of sex.

He won't go to counselling, I've tried and tried.

My counsellor told me to list out my values and expectations about marriage and present it to him, and see what his response is. I so want to let my frustrations out on him, I get so emotional when I talk to him about anything serious, I'll keep u posted.

Thanks again

[ May 18, 2005, 03:43 PM: Message edited by: nikita ]

It sounds as if he has shaken your world and now you now need a counselor to hang onto. Maybe he would be more agreeable to counseling if you shook his world a little.
I don't mean retaliate by finding an online lover or anything like that, but if this online thing is something you simply cannot live with, and I can understand your not being able to, maybe he needs an ultimatum.
Also maybe you could disconnect him from the internet somehow until you figure it all out. Or until he is willing to confront the underlying problems or forever if necessary.

Hey, these are just ideas. Don't listen to me. I know absolutely nothing about marriage. Divorce has always been my specialty. It's the only solution I could ever count on.
smile

I do phone sex for a living and none of the married men I speak to consider this cheating yet when I ask if their wives know, they stumble around and say NO? I am a witch so I say and why not if its not really sex or cheating, some will discuss this but most hang up...Dr Phil was very adament on a show he did and said ANY time taken away from the spouse and shared with another partner WAS definitely cheating....he is a cheat and it sounds to me like he is addicted. Dump the slob! He has strayed and will continue to do so, they always do...

Smile, I like the idea of disconnecting the internet. That's the kind of consequences we use with our kids. If he's acting like a child, he needs to be treated like one.

Nikita, hang in there, communicate, and take care of you!

Nikita,
Hello from a fellow Canadian here. Welcome to the site. It's good you are seeing a counselor for you. May you find Peace in any decision you make.

chick

Nikita, you are in my prayers. When my hubby and I had problems we went to two different cousolors and neither one could help. In essence they said we werent ment to merry because we were no longer traveling the same path. Not sure how or why it happened, we were just better apart then we were together. Now Im sure our problems are different, but I just want to say, Take care of YOU and may you find peace.

Debi

I compare marriage to strawberry shortcake! You can put all the icecream, strawberries and whipped cream you want on top -- but if the cake is bad -- it won't taste so good...

Test the "cake" of your marriage and find out if it is solid and fresh and good. If it is, you may just have some rotten strawberries on it that can be plucked off and thrown away.

That being said, trust is one of the ingredients in the cake -- so perhaps some real soul searching needs to happen on both sides. I hope this works out for you (either way).

Thank you ladies!

Just finally releasing this all has helped me so much. The couseling was such a good idea. Presently, I'm working on "assessing my marriage."
It's going pretty well. I feel better about myself and feel stronger. I am going to work at making this a better marriage. I think communication is really important, it took me over a year to come out and talk about this. I now know what kind of marriage I want and I have expectations...let's just see what he thinks!

ATTENTION ladies....This Monday night the 23rd. of May there is a program on at 8:00 PM Pacific time called:

CYBERSEDUCTION

all about men that cheat on the internet and looks like a real rip snorter. Check your local listimgs for times in your area.

Nikita,

Ugh. Reading your original post made my stomach hurt. I'm sorry this happened to you. My personal experience is that once the trust level has been fractured, it's hard to go back without some major help. I agree with whoever suggested counseling. If he won't go with you, go for yourself.

Best regards,
Kelly

Attention: The program called CyberSeduction isn't on until June 20th, sorry got my dates confused.....

I too have an internet situation. We've had problems since before we were married, so I have only myself to blame. On the surface we have a great relationship and I can't really say that I think he has actually ever physically cheated on me, since we are usually always together, but he does seem to have some need or addiction to have connections with other women. It's been as bad a hooking up with someone he met on the internet (within one month of chatting with her - I don't think they had sex) to flirting with young girls at work. One really bad time was when he was out of work for two years and instead of looking for a job was posing on a forum as a GIRL! It was so werid, because he wasn't being sexual, just friendly. He had a whole history for her and even announced "her" engagment!! Why I stayed after that I am still wondering. But now, again, I have found that he is emailing another women he met on the net. This one is married and "just a friend" and he gives me the line that they have no intention of taking it any further - he says she "gets him" and is "easy to get along with" and they have "no secrets". Which makes me sick to my stomach and to me is one quick step away from saying "My wife doesn't understand me". He won't tell me anything else, like her name or where she lives or let me see their emails, so it can't be all that innocent.

Anyway, anytime I have ever confronted him about these situations, he blows his stack and accuses me of snooping and not trusting him and says he must have his privacy and why do I want to mess things up since our relationship is so GREAT!!He has that mentality that what I don't know, won't hurt me so I am causing the problem by snooping. And again, on the surface our life is pretty great! but sometimes I have I felt he was distracted...especially this last time...It is definitely true that any effort spent away from your relationship is cheating...I have thought of finding an on-line friend myself..but I'm too busy working and being a good wife!!!

My recommendation is never take back someone who has cheated on you in any way. I feel stuck and stupid, but I don't think I could handle divorce, it would be my second. So I try to pretend he isn't continuing to so somehting that I hurts me so much. I really need help.