Am I too clingy???

My SO (partner) has a job, caring for kids (as I do) that entails 2 evenings a week until 10pm..he´s home about 11pm. Then come the extra meetings and activities which makes it 3 evenings a week at least one or twice a month. What broke the camel´s back for me this time is a ski trip with the kidies after Easter from Tuesday to Friday evening.

We have recently been thru a crisis because of his playing World of Warcraft (extensive computer game on the net)..and the time this took from us as well..time and attention to eachother. We have sort of solved this situation for the time being.

I feel that I have been alone most of my life..first with very career orientated parents and me, the only child. Then came my x hubby and 5 kids..one child died after a long illness at the age of ll..as most of you know. My x hubby, from my point of view, first worked towards his degrees..ending with a doctorate in math and physics. He was also active in a church here in Sweden and always had projects "to do" at our house or country cottage. So I spent alot of my time with the kids..and not too much time with hubby. After 2 heartattacks, when my hubby started redoing the kitchen in our house..I had had enough. I told him that I wanted HIM and HIS TIME..nothing else. This was after 32 yrs of marriage. But it still didn´t work out..so we divorced. And then after a time, I met my present partner at work. At the time, we were both working days. But then my partner found his present job..with other male coworkers.which is rare in our business and he took the job. Yes, we talked about it. But now his job, according to me, is taking more time from us..and I am finding it difficult.

On the other side of the coin is me at 60 yrs of age..still working fulltime..also with kids in a problem district..I have 4 grandchildren..3 living near me that need my help..their mom being a single mom and getting her nursing degree..I enjoy reading..am an avid movie watcher (dvds)..and I have found this site..which can take as much of time as I want to give it..and sometimes I don´t even have the time I want here. I like walking, dreaming, yoga and listening to music of all kinds.

SOOO..am I perhaps not taking my own intersts seriously? And am instead unhappy over all the time "lost" due to my partner´s job and computer game? Perhaps I should be grateful..breathe a sigh of relief and get on with what I like to do..seriously. I have a handful of very close friends..who don´t have much time to meet, as I myself don´t ..but we keep in contact thru MSN or email.

I sort of wanted..at last..someone to spend odd times with..experience things with..have contact with. Yet, I have alot on myself..am I not taking all that seriously? Is he actually, thru his job and so forth, giving me "the go ahead"???? That I don´t want to see??? Don´t DARE to see?? Or am I compromising again with myself?

My partner is a person that gives space to everyone around him. He understands and embraces human beings with all their dark and brighter sides. He doesn´t have alot of "musts" for anyone..you can be YOU..whatever that is at the moment..he doesn´t weigh me or anyone down with alot of guilt feelings..he rather gives air under one´s wings..he lets the "eagle fly" (thinking of and missing our Eagleheart here )

Sooo..as per usual..any thoughts on the subject will be most welcome.

P.S. I am thinking of watching, MASK, with Cher..an old movie now. But I LOVE the female character she plays in that movie. And the basic story of her son´s illness and death is something that I relate to very deeply...

Humlan
a synopsis of your life.You have done so much.Rearing children.Coping with loss and all the days in between.
You have adapted to living in a new country and forged
forward in a new relationship.
Perhaps its through film and books that we hear our own
story and can process our thoughts.

Your core question is about your partner.

Most men have their time out.This is universal.The fact your SO works in the evening lets you have space too.But I detect you really like company..This gives us a mirror ..where we if lucky reflect off each other.
Is life happy with him...do you feel glad when returning to home if he is there.You have the advantage of all the books you have read..the dvds you have watched..he is maybe less complicated.I say complicated but another word could be knowledgable .
I would like to hear more about why you chose this close partner..what drew you to him..
Hope you reach a conclusion that makes you happy.
Love
Mountain ash

Humlan, it’s pretty normal in Germany for working couples to see each other on weekends and just a couple of nights during the week.Many couples belong to clubs and pursue those hobbies after work. Ideal is if they pursue the same hobbies.

I think you are sort of walking a tight rope if you don’t grant him time with his children. If you say your partner gives everyone around him their space; then he might not understand you not giving him his space.

On the other hand, saying you have more time to meet your friends and pursue your own interests is fine, but not in the best interest of a partnership. Your lives tend to separate, and you become ships passing in the night. I’m a big advocator of couples doing things together. It’s a positive sign that he has reduced his computer playing, and it shows that he wants to please you. How about making a set date once a week, go out together for a drink, movie, or just a walk under the stars?

I’m amazed at all the things you do Humlan. Working full time and helping care for 3 grandchildren gives you hardly any time for yourself. But when living with a partner, being alone too much is not good. And if that was the reason you and your x separated, I can understand you being afraid that the past might repeat itself.

Do you think the age difference may be a reason? I think the older most men get, the more “domestic” they become. As for being clingy,…I’d call it loving instead. You love him and want to be with him more often. That’s the biggest compliment you can give someone. But be careful…it is a tightrope. I say, keep the balance, respect his work and start a hobby that you both can enjoy together.

I just read this through, and hope I don't sound preachy. I sense your lonliness, and hope you will find a solution. Mountain Ash asked you a good question. It might add more light in the situation.
Your friend,
Hannelore

humlan, I just love you and the way you write. You've lived such a rich life full of connections to others which makes you tick! Here's my feedback.

I think you should take advantage of the time he's not around. Embrace it and do some of the things you want to do, with or without other friends. Then, when he's around, embrace him. Make plans for those times and do something out of the ordinary.

By the way, your partner sounds delightful with regards to giving space to others.

You are wise to consider all of this. The results will bring more happiness at this stage in life.

humlan, I have not read any of the other responses - your post seemed to need an uninfluenced response.

I think you sound wonderful The more you post, the more I enjoy you. You are wonderful and I hope that you know that.

I think that "our" generation has redefined relationships. I say that in the best of ways. You have loved and decided your own boundaries for your relationships.

I love that our generation has determined that there is no one way to live life. We each have our own ways of defining what is right for us and what is wrong for us.

Are you happy? Is he happy? Are the two of you happy with your "couples" definition of being happy?

I really don't believe that there is only one way to live your life, as long as you are living fully and happily.

Bless you - I believe that you are a terrific woman.

Feeling that you and he are ships passing at night with each of you busy on separate activities and responsibilities, ....if both you and he discuss and agree it is a temporary situation. And if both of you can identify how long.....


But if not seen as a temporary short phase in life, then hope both of you find a path to be together more often. You are at a different stage in life, hunlan than he.

These "stages" in life can be compatable
MA

Mountain Ash, before I answer your question about what drew me to him..I just want to clarify that my partner WORKS with children..as I do. He works with very priveledged children in the Old City (Gamla Stan) of Stockholm..and they are a bit older..about from 4th grade to high school (the latter age group, he works with during his evening times)..but he does have a son who is 12..he travels down from the north of Sweden (3 to 4 hour bus ride one way) and stays with us every other week-end and during the summer, we have him a total of 4 weeks .

Ok, Mountain Ash..what drew me to my partner..is the the understanding and space he gives to his fellow human beings..I noticed this in his way of working with children (we met at work where we, at the time, worked together) and in his quiet and gentle contributions to our staff meetings. For me, his ways and thoughts were almost like a revelation. I had never quite experienced the space and love he could give to others..and still does. Oh, he can have opinions..thoughts..but they are always HIS and not something put forth as a general truth. I began to love this then and I still do.

After having worked together for some months, and often finding ourselves locking up together, I finally worked up the courage to ask him if he´d like to have a beer after work. My thoughts ran something like this: well, he can´t think that I am hitting on him (which I wasn´t at the time..just a bit curious about him as a person)..after all..he´s the same age as my oldest living daughter ..we are just work friends..so I asked..and thus began a kind of routine that if we closed together..we´d stop off for a beer and peanuts before heading to our homes. I found that he was quite knowledgeable and informed about current events..that he had read and was interested in philosophy..that he enjoyed alot of the music that I did..AND he was/is a SWEDE thru and thru, so my American values got a good beating and think thru..with lots to think about and inform myself about.

Then I found out that he was commuting a LONG way daily to get to work and back..he had come down from the North to work here in Stockholm with us..and I sometimes offered him my couch..as I had an apartment, at the time, in the middle of Stockholm City ( I rented from a Swedish hockey player whom I had known since he was a boy of 4)..well, you can guess the rest..he moved from the couch to my bed..and..here we are now.

So..that´s the story..kind of informative to write..brings me back to the beginnings..and the "new love" that began to grow..some thing we should perhaps all think about..now and again..hmmm..thank you for the question, Mountain Ash

Working with students brings the extra curicular activities.I worked with people who did not return to anything.Outher people who said they would help but need time off in lieu.If they did extra.School could not afford this.
Every school show and Christmas I would be back at school.Whether I was right to do this compared to collegues is debatable.Most people do things like trips..Once you establish a pattern it is expected.
I believe the same thing that makes a good childcare worker fosters the giving of our time too.
Now I no longer teach there is a gap waiting for me to fill.Its not only the contact with students and collegues its my free time too.Its healthy to be aware of this when retirement comes and find other interests.

This ski ing trip...Is there a way to make the time you partner is away a special time for you.A retreat...or a visit you have always meant to take. That way the reunion will be wonderful and full of things to share.And no leakage of resenting the serparation.
I have been thinking about you today.
MA

Yes, Hannelore..I finally left my husband because I felt lonely and alone in our relationship..and I don´t want to have that kind of feeling ever again..in that way, at least. I want to feel that I come first sometimes and that my partner enjoys being with me..and that we SHARE our lives!

BUT as you, Anno, ask..am I happy..happy when he comes home? Yes, I am actually..when I think about it. And I do feel that the home we have made together is a "safe place" where I can be ME..whatever that is at a given time..and this is EXTREMELY important to me. And my 18 yr old son can be who he is at any given time..and that is not always easy

But I DO feel that sometimes "my own time" becomes too often and too long..but perhaps I need to make sufficient "noise" then.. hmm..

And somewhere along the line..after reading your answers..all of you..and thinking quite a bit and feeling quite a bit today thru the day..I do believe that I have to take myself more seriously..trust in myself..and find the niches that interest me and follow them..well, some of them. They are as important to me as my partner´s job and computer game is to him. I need to get that thru my head and really believe it. Hmmm...

But our lives need to meet too..have time together..that we both enjoy..hmm..

THANK YOU SO MUCH for all your thoughts so far!!!! THANK YOU!!!

Thank you for your "company" today alongside me..I must have felt your vibes because I am thinking of looking up an old old woman friend that has moved to another part of Sweden..and perhaps we can meet half way..and spend the nite somewhere and just talk and talk..that would actually be so great!!!! Boy could we talk when she lived near by and she had her kids and I had mine. She knew my Susan,too..very very well.

Orchid..whenever I have thoughts about our relationship of any difficult kind..then the age difference comes up in my mind..but as Mountain Ash pointed out..at this time in our lives..we are kind of on the same page...and my partner says..so far..that he doesn´t see me as a 60 yr old woman (I know..he definitely needs glasses )..but he is this person that likes the flawed..imperfect human being..perfection of any kind, if it exists in fact..well, younger Swedish girls are gorgeous,believe me..but as my partner says..many of them all look the same..but there´s much more to life than the outer part..he DOES like the fact that I am not always on a diet..nibbling at sallads, etc (altho I should be)

Orchid..you are the wonderfully blessed woman who has a husband that circles around on his bike in an inside parking area while you do your cycling..this is not just by chance that this is so..I believe that what you give out..you get..so you must be a very exceptional woman who knows what she´s talking about..

thank you for your thoughts!

We spoke about stages..Erickson says so much.
People who work as your SO and you also will have fine tuned skills with the young.EG a maturity other people may not have yet developed.

Stage 7. Middle Adulthood: 35 to 65

Ego Development Outcome: Generativity vs. Self absorption or Stagnation

Basic Strengths: Production and Care

Now work is most crucial. Erikson observed that middle-age is when we tend to be occupied with creative and meaningful work and with issues surrounding our family. Also, middle adulthood is when we can expect to "be in charge," the role we've longer envied.

The significant task is to perpetuate culture and transmit values of the culture through the family (taming the kids) and working to establish a stable environment. Strength comes through care of others and production of something that contributes to the betterment of society, which Erikson calls generativity, so when we're in this stage we often fear inactivity and meaninglessness.

As our children leave home, or our relationships or goals change, we may be faced with major life changes—the mid-life crisis—and struggle with finding new meanings and purposes. If we don't get through this stage successfully, we can become self-absorbed and stagnate.

Significant relationships are within the workplace, the community and the family.
MA

Humlan
I loved your description of your love story.
MA

Quote:

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As our children leave home, or our relationships or goals change, we may be faced ... struggle with finding new meanings and purposes. If we don't get through this stage successfully, we can become self-absorbed and stagnate.
MA

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Interesting!

humlan, because you question I'm thinking there is something playing in the back of your mind. What has your SO had to say about the way you are feeling? thinking?
If you were to investigate and fill the possible niches for yourself, you might not find yourself questioning so? Even though I think it's great to question - EVERYTHING - it keeps one on the ready...if you know what I mean... never blindsided.