Becoming a MIL

Ladies,
I will become a MIL this spring & having never been one. I only have my own personal thoughts as a DIL to go on. I love my future DIL, yet realize she is NOT me or I her, we get along wonderfully & I don't want to screw this up. So for the sake of vast prespective, Might I ask of you...IF you could give advise to YOUR own MIL about some DO's or DON'T's, Quailiies you wish she had, or Thank her for Qualities you're glad she has. What would You say? This can also give me fodder for conversation with her as well, so casually I can ask her what her what she wants in a MIL..topics if you will for when she says "OH You're fine", Nobody's that fine. LOL
Striving to be a Good MIL, willing to listen & learn, QBall
PS I get along for the most part Great with my MIL, but being aware of my trigger points with her, LOL I will NOT make my DIL the QBALL or clean stuff in her home, unless she asks me to.
"Qball, the ball poked at to get the other balls to do stuff" IE: MY MIL pesters me to get my hub & sons to do what SHE thinks they need to or should, and DH & Sons pester me to get one or the other to do things too. Hence QBall. LOL

QBall,
I am a MIL, although I am still in my forties! My son is 26 and he is married to a young woman his age. They married after graduating college.

What I do with my DIL is make sure I ask her about her life, her feelings and really listen. I try to set an example for my son to listen to her as well because he is young and I want their marriage to work!

I have not been privy to one of their arguments yet but I am ready with a "take no sides," and just listen, unless my son is abusive, ( I doubt he will be,) in which case I will take her side.

I have a good relationship so far with her and she looks up to me a bit because she is a dancer. Also, I think she appreciates that I don't fawn all over my son in her presense and ignore her. I am really interested in her and I let her know it.

I don't know how well you know your soon to be DIL but asking her about what interests her usually gets the conversation going and then you usually can take it from there.

You are a member here so you know how to talk to women and how to get along with them, don't forget! I think you'll do splendid once you get going!

Your personality is "up," so far as I see and that is a BIG plus in the case that she is "down," at times. If not, well it makes you fun to visit!

I think you'll be excellent!

dancer

Be there when she needs you.
Don't take your son's side over hers, unless you absolutely have to.
Don't interfere.
Listen and advise, but don't preach. Instead of telling, use suggestions or questions such as, "have you thought about this or that?"
One thing I do with my sons-n-law (I don't have a DIL) is, when they tell me they are going to do something, I debate with them, making sure that's what they truly want to do. I throw every challenge their way, so they will think major decisions over as best as they can, with as much information as they can get. I give them many angles to think from. They know and understand what I'm up to, for I've told them why I'm debating their plans. If they follow through with their original plans, I know they really wanted to, and had an opportunity to try another way. It's become a process we use, now. Very seldom do they change their mind, and things usually work out. It makes me proud.
And the most valuable thing you can do for your DIL, esp. if she doesn't have a steady relationship with her own mother, is be a mother figure. Even if her mother is a strong character in her life, your "good mother" perspective will only add value to the young girl's life... but, never make it to where she has to choose between the two of you.
AS for your son, never make it to where he has to choose between you and his new wife... I'm sure you knew all of this, but it's what I wanted from my MIL.

I got along well with my MIL because she treated me with respect, gave me no unasked for advice, had a good sense of humour, and stood often in the side lines, not trying to be the middle point.

I got to admit, I don’t follow all these rules myself. But I’m very lucky to have absolutely wonderful DIL’s. My oldest son’s wife, would not have been my pick, and I don’t really understand why he chose her, but he loves her like crazy, and I have finally awakened to the fact that that is all that counts.

My sons and their wives all get along beautifully as well. So when we have our family get-togethers there is a lot of laughing and kidding around.

Gimster has some excellent tips here. I have taken some of them to heart, especially the one about remaining a mother figure. I tend to want to be one of them…but I think my kids see me that way too. Oh well, I just flow with the tide, it seems to work for me.

A good rule of thumb...
Never, ever offer advice unless it's asked for!

My Dear Friends,
Thank You so much for the insite you've given me.Hannalore & LJ, I will do my best to keep advice to myself unless asked for. So far I think I do that fairly well. Usually when I really feel a need to give advic I take Grimster's approach and put in more in a debate type tone as in saying "I sure you've thought of this, but have you ever considered...???? If they say Yes or that won't work, I might ask why and might just say Ok, just a thought. Sometimes I felt that it made me look uninterested, but from your advice I see it dosen't. My own mom took the debate route with me and although I'd forgot it till you mentioned it, it is a wonderful discussion method to help make decissions.
Dancer, my son is 26 too & DIL2B, is 23 soon. Both are out of college now. I love your point about setting an examle for young man to Listen...Where have we discussed that recently at lenght before? LOL Dont fawn/dote over the son, it's hard not to. However when they come for a visit Ii always try and give her a hug first. Thank you for the UP attitude compliment, I give it my best shot. The kids have enough to think about right now with out a poutty/moppy mom. This ties right into Grimster's advice of not taking son's side. Boy, I think he's aware as are her parents and her that - that won't happen. They had a TIFF of magnitude last summer, he came to me quite upset. I told him "I wouldn't marry you right now either". Both she and her parents know I told him this. Her parents were shocked as they blamed the TIFF on her.
Hannelore, My son's 1st serious GF was set up to be a real nightmare. They were planning engagement, so I buckled up and said we'd love her too. But, this one now "THE ONE" is sooooo much better. As far as interests, she's into Sports, OH how will I pull that off?? Her degree is in Sports Medicine. Mother figure 'eh, I tend to play too much for that until topics become serious. Thank You again for the words of wisdom, I'm going to jot them all down into one liner thoughts and print them to look over as life rolls on.
Ya'll are the Greatest!
QBall

QB..here's my advice.

Take your DIL shopping and make rude noises just as you're passing people and then point at her.

When your son and DIL are over for dinner tell your son that his ex-girlfriend called and wants to talk to him about child support.

Invite DIL's family for dinner and tell them it's BBQ casual...then open the door wearing an evening gown and your husband in a tux with the table set for a 6-course, candlelit dinner.

At said dinner party, keep winking at DIL's father.

Take DIL shopping (if she'll still let you) and when a good song comes on start dancing. Tell her you're fulfilling a dare on BWS and if she wants to live she has to dance with you.

OKAY OKAY OKAY....I'M KIDDING!!!! Now that QB has had some practical advice, I wanted to give her some FUN (never really do) advice...well, except for the rude noises and dancing in the store.

Okay ladies...let's have fun with this...what other words of funky fun can we give QB? I dare you to come up with more crazy stuff...(I can hear JJ's brain working now).

---------------------
Dee
One wrinkle closer to....more wrinkles!

I am fortunate to have two wonderful DIL's. I don't see one however anymore as she is missing along with my son...

My first sons wife I see quite a bit. She has thanked me countless times for the way I raised my son and the kind of man and husband he's turned out to be.
I have several major rules as a MIL:

1.) Mind my own business, steer clear of their disagreements.

2.) Never just pop in, call first always to see what they are doing.

3.) Never say these words; "Oh, I would do it this way."

4.) Be her friend when she needs one and comes to you, otherwise be invisible and always treat her only as you want to be treated.

OKAY! Heres one for Dee's joking around advice...

Invite her to a movie, or somewhere private yet public and stare at her alot sighing, then whisper to her, NAME HERE, you are so beautiful, I am bi baby, wanna fool around?
Don't ask me how to get you out of this situation, I just know how to get you into it...LOL

DEE & CHATTY, Help! I can't stop laughing and it's messing up my makeup!!! I'm supposed to be geting ready to run to the store & just had to peek in here. You two are so histerical, I can't wait to tell my DIL2b your advice,,better yet we're going bridesmaid dress shoppong Saturday w/ her mom and the maids. O what fun we'll have now that I've been schooled by you two.

QB...how did Saturday go? I'm dying to hear...in the words of Scarlet O'Hara..."tell, tell"

OK-OK it hasn't gone yet. LOL We're going on Saturday the 1st of Febuary. Do you want to hear about yesterday, the 26th? 1 word - Dull. But, I'm so excited about the 1st. I'm to meet up with DIL, her mom, 3 or 4 maids (I can't remember) and the 2 flower girls at noon appx an hour from here. Then we'll go another hour on to the bridal shop and Shop. I will let you know how it goes. Finally we'll have a wedding color choosen & know what the girls will be wearing. Her Mom and I are waiting till last to pick our attire. Naturally having read the P & Q's, I am letting the brides mother choose her outfit 1st. But, I do have my eye on a snazzy ladies tux, it's really pretty.
Lastly, IF the weather premits I may stay in Branson alone that night after our shopping trip to unwind and relax, rather than stay out all day and drive home late. I'm scouting rooms w/ a jaquzzi & packing my bubbles!

Oh my QBall, jazuzzi and bubbles, what a treat. BUT show cautioin when dumping in the bubbles, been there, done that, flooded the place with overflowing bubbles...What a mess, my ex is still teasing me about that one...

Hey Dee, so glad to be in a class with you my friend. Makes being crazy something to strive for, LOL!!!

Thank You Chatty,
I was wondering about that...I had planned on using caution. My experience was putting regular dish soap in the dishwasher, you know fill the whole cup with the liquid. LOL I felt like one of the Little Rascals.

Oh, tooooo funny! I did that also....in my last house I had a jacuzzi tub and put a little bubble bath in it on day...the mistake was that I turned on the jets and filled the entire room with bubbles. My (then) husband came in to see what was happening and he couldn't find me, but he sure could hear me!!! I still smile when I think of that scene...and a lesson well learned!

Chatty...onery to the end!!!!

Qball...can't wait to hear details.

No zingers. Never comment when the couple disagree. Never act jealous at what they own. Never give dirty looks, even when you think they don't see it. And if they knock themselves out doing you a favor, make sure they know it's appreciated. Oh, and don't take over their house like you own it. These are just a few things that bug the heck out me about my MIL. And she's a nice lady.

Thanks Jabber,
Those are some Fantastic new ones to keep in mind with all the other great advice/tips. Years from now if she ever tells me what a good MIL I am..I'll have to tell her I was well coached by all my Boomer Sisters.

I DID IT! Booked a room for the 2nd in Branson! King suite w/ the jacuzzi! If you see Breaking News of a woman in the Ozarks smoothered by her own bubble bath, LOL that would be me. I got my dates mixed up above,, & said it was the 1st. Guess I'm in a hurry to enjoy some real down time.