Adult steps who do not visit Dad

Some of us on my "CNBC" board are having difficulty understanding this...

Why is it that our DH's kids do not visit us as much as the birth mother. A couple of us feel we "get the crumbs". Is "Dad" not so important? Are we, the stepmothers to blame?

Also, we've discovered that the kids were "in town" or going to be "in town" and NOT visit us!

If you had/have a stepmother, can you shed any light as to why this happens?

Not sure why we feel the way we do. Maybe it's because we see our spouses hurt over this. Or maybe that, since we could not have our own kids and married someone who does, only to be disappointed in them!

Are some children closer to their mothers than their fathers? Just a thought. Not always the case, but a thought.

Di, has there ever been any problems between you and the stepchildren?

Di, I remember being disappointed about how our own kids would seem to just “forget” us. I know that hurts.

My advise to you is to let them know. Sometimes they just don’t think. If you don’t say anything because of pride or whatever…it won’t ever change. In my case it really helped that I complained.

Another tip is when they do come, have FUN with them. Laughing is bonding…and that will get them to come more often. I promise you, that’ll work.

Di, I posted my response under a different post area (Marriage: 2nd marriage or whatever that original topic was). This was the excerpt on adult stepchildren and my relationship to them:

My partner is a grandfather. The grandson is 4 yrs. old. He is the parent of 2 grown children. I don't pretend to be their 2nd/step mother at all. I am Chinese-Canadian and he is German-Canadian. Their birth mother is originally from U.K.

I would not expect his children to warm up to me when already I look very different from them and especially, when I was not the woman to raise them from babyhood.

I think the children relate to their mother abit differently than their father. I know my partner fought in court to have equal live-in time for his children after divorce, but as you know the mother wins. Which can be harder on a father who genuinely cares about their children.

At this time, the children get along well with each of their birth parents. My gut feeling is that his daughter enjoys getting into lengthy intellectual discussions with her father vs. getting more woman-to-woman nurturing from her mother.

As for my role/relationship to the daughter...I'm probably just an older, friendly woman to her that can discuss with her about art, literature sometimes at esoteric levels ...and talk with her about her current job where she teaches English as a 2nd language at private to wealthy visiting students from the Pacific Rim countries. She uses me to bounce off her ideas on relationship dynamics between her, as a white, young female teaching to Asians students --young or middle-aged. She has these theories about Korean, Japanese and Chinese students ...which I'm fascinated to hear about differences/similarities. Some I agree, sometimes I don't agree.

Son is similar in terms of a good relationship with father, though he lives in a different province.

Based on what I've seen in past 5 years, it doesn't appear to me, that my partner is getting the "crumbs" in relationship depth with his children. If the children are/become well-adjusted in their own independent/personal lives, it paves the way to a better relationship to each divorced parent.

In honesty, it is less painful to everyone in our situation, including myself, that I don't try to play the role of a substitute parent for the kids.

It's not that hard for me to be in this role..already I'm a happy aunt to several children in our extended family.

I can relate to this topic very well. I am the stepmother to three. Two step-sons and one step-daughter. All but one step-son live within 30 minutes of us but they may as well live on another continent, especially my husbands daughter. My husband was a wonderful father to his kids but his ex has worked on her kids out of jealousy? meanness? Who knows but we've had conflicts with her and had to put her in her place and she's all but turned Larry's daughter against him. I've talked about this before in this forum. She's come twice this year even though she lives so close. Once for a Christmas party I threw and on Christmas eve. No other time. Larry doesn't visit her because his ex lives with his daughter (his ex dumped herself on her daughter because she can't save money and can't get a place of her own). So, that only makes it worse...his daughter lives with the devil, so to speak.
Since I've been married to Larry (almost 3 years) the kids have learned that they cannot walk all over their dad the way they did before I came into the picture so I think most of their not coming around is because of me. I've never asked them to do something that wasn't right or fair to their dad, however, they've grown up putting him last in everything and that's wrong. For christmas only one son gave Larry a Christmas gift...the other two came with nothing for their dad...Larry had gone to great lengths to give them a good Christmas despite their absence in his life and it really hurt him when they had nothing for him. Makes steam come out of my ears. Their mom is very selfish and that's who they've taken after. Larry blames himself, too, because he said he allowed it to happen. But, he says they're all adults and should know better by now. It's a hard pill to swallow seeing him hurt by the people he loves most. One day they'll regret not spending time with him or not doing the right thing by him...he won't be around forever...or maybe not...some kids just never get it.

If anything will improve between your hubby and his daughter, it probably would be easier if he and her had a restaurant meal or cafe drink somewhere..on neutral territory.

At best, the most your hubby can hope for that he himself can have decent friendly conversations with his daughter...at some point in future. And you may not be around to participate, which is abit sad, but it is important that an adult child learns to get along with each of their birth parents --individually.

I know this puts you to the side abit...but it is his daughter and she's an adult.

I would be estatic if they'd spend time together...but, she's always busy...always has an excuse.

They do eventually grow up.

DH often does not say anything. He is allowing them to find out, on their own, what is right and what is wrong.

He's a lot more patient than I am!! Warning: stay out of it. I've gotten in trouble a few times for speaking my mind...but it backfired. It does NOT work when YOU are on the parent!

I know that to be so true. The times I have stepped in has been because they've tried to get between me and their dad about issues that did not involve them...they'd go to him and try to make me look bad in their father's eyes. Larry put a stop to that...he let them know that I'm his wife and I'm not going anywhere and they need to accept it and stop causing trouble. I was so proud of him when he did that. It was hard, I know, and their feelings were bent out of shape for the longest time, but they don't do that anymore. Respect goes both ways in step families. Once Larry let them know that they didn't have the right to try to put a wedge between us things got better. It's improving with his sons but his daughter...she's just always been...well...different. I think part of her problem is that she's gay and hasn't officially 'come out' of the closet yet because her family would absolutely freak out. I lived in Europe and was in theater where so many of my friends were gay and I don't have a problem with it...but, Larry does. We've talked about it and he's not wanting to acknowledge his daughter's signs. It's a tough issue for him and against his religious beliefs and as his only daughter, he's filled with frustration about it. When I first met Danielle she dressed more feminine than she does now...now she's very, very masculine dressing and her mannerisms are masculine as well...even her hair cut has gone from shoulder length blond to cut very short and darkened. She's wearing the middle finger ring and I recognize what's going on but Larry's still in denial. She also talks about her 'friend' Michelle. Never boys or dating boys or anything like that. So, where Danielle is concerned it's becoming complicated. When my sons were here this Thanksgiving for Christmas my younger son's girlfriend approached me after the huge family get-together I'd thrown and said Danielle had come on to her at the party...said she'd also asked for her email address. In a way I wasn't surprised because Danielle hung around her most of the evening. It was uncomfortable for my son's girlfriend because and she could not understand why Danielle would come on to her knowing she is my son's girlfriend.
It's going to be interesting watching this all play out in the years to come.

I looked back on a similar thread to this from not long ago...thought I'd add it:
http://www.boomerwomenspeak.com/forums/s...art=1&vc=1.

I'm going through a living hell with a friend that married a dad of five. I believe her stepchildren don't want their dad thinking more of stepmom than their birth mom.
Just be grateful they don't try to destroy you!!!!

I made a rule many years ago that if I were to meet a man, my one no-no was he could not have any children, small or grown. Nope, seen to many relationships turn to crap because of the kids from the previoius relatioinship. Not worth the headaches...

Right, Chatty. My stepson, who is nearly 38, has the same rule. He says that "it's enough to take care of ME, let alone another person AND her kids".

I told him that he has every right to be choosy. But in all honestly, even though "I" have issues with steps, (no former experience and no training in that area whatsoever before hand) they are blessings! I just know that, if DH dies before me, I'm in the past. Which is fine...way too much to deal with. I'd have to move back East w/my family as I could not afford to stay here.

I remarried a man that had not been wed before. He had NO kids. Thank God. My friend had never been married before when she married that guy with 5 grown children. And 4 of them had families of their own. But still the grief tht lady has sustained is unbelievable. The woman was successful, self-reliant, and financially stable. Now she has nothing! Chatty has the right idea. Go for guys without kids!

I understand you can't always help the person with whom you fall in love. There are awesome looking guys in the world.
But guard you heart and seek wisdom but all treasure.