Dealing with disappointment

I'm having a hard time here. DSD has decided to go back to work..three full days a week. Baby Grace is only 16 months old. I cannot understand why/how a mother can place their innocent young baby in the hands of a complete stranger to raise. Caregivers never do what Mom can do.

I'm so disappointed, but KNOWing that DSD is not mine, I really have no say-so. Her Dad agrees totally. And they are having another. He cannot understand why if they just hand them off.

These are VERY intelligent people. He has a masters and she a bachelors and work for a very affluent missile corporation. Lovely people and I would not trade them for any other step kids...but I am so disappointed.

I recall the statement of a woman speaker at a conference:

Asking for a raise of hands, she said, "how many out there would honestly say you wish you were raised by a Nanny or caregiver?" Prompting them to be honest, yet no one raised their hand.

Then, she said, why would you do that to your own children?

Someone help me get over this disappointment. I know today's world is "different", but why cannot intelligent people SEE that the child is hurt in the long run? Was the child asked how SHE feels about Mom leaving her with complete strangers??

I'm so upset!!!

Hi Di, sorry to hear about your troubles. Please clarify for me, what is a DSD? I'm trying to figure out your relationship to the child. Thanks,
Kathy

Oh, this is the step-parenting room. DSD = Darling Step Daughter, or Dear Step-daughter.

Di, I agree whole heartedly with you. I never could have given my children away to go to work, and I find it hard to understand how any mother can do that. We lived on a very tight budget when our children were small, but we didn't care; as long as I could be home to raise our boys.

Our granddaughter is going through a fussy time right now, and I think only a mother or grandmother can take her little tantrums and slapping with a calm attitude. You need a lot of love to sometimes have the strength and understanding for some of the strenuous moments in child raising.

A Nanny or an Aupair doesn't love the child like a mother. I really don't know how they deal with the baby when it bites, kicks or just throws herself down in the middle of a store and has a tantrum. It's easy to love and enjoy a sweet bubbling baby, but how does a stranger deal with the hard disciplining moments? That would worry me the most as a mother.

Do you live very far from your DSD? Is it possible for you to at least check how the baby is taken care of? If you can do this, it might ease some of your worries.

Di, Hannelore's advice is best...to offer occasional help to stepdaughter to look after her child. At least it would fit you, into the picture for the child as a family member.

You have to respect the decision of the working mother and her energy level, etc. And this is even despite the fact, that daddy is quite heavily involved in childraising also.

I think of my 1 sister who has 3 children under 9 yrs. old and exhausting herself...but willingly in order to keep up with her profession, she must work at least part-time. Meanwhile they are spending thousands of dollars annually on daycare...


Even part-time nanny for working mothers is a tough call. Another sisters went through this with her son, and found out within 6 wks., he was learning Italian from the caregiver. While that may sound like lovely idea...I mean really, it is of less value/relevance in the long-term, when the mother's (and grandmother's) mother tongue is chinese and father is scottish-irish. This unexpected development alone, put a dead stop to the idea of part-time nanny for my sister.

But maybe using a nanny it's not the worst if the caregiver is ok. Probably best only part-time though. Not all mothers have a temperment/or develop proper temperment ...to be a mother.

Thanks for these excellent replies! She is a wonderful mother, but I think the money issue is the big draw. Her DH already went out to buy a new truck (the baby is not even in the day care a month!)...so it must be money.

It's just so, so sad. I feel for DH, being the grandpa. And I'm sure her mother is also upset over it. We do not live closeby, so we cannot "check in".

I have to restrain myself, though. She knows how I feel because I've mentioned the above scenario (re: my first post) to her. So, she knows.

This is when it is so frustrating not having any children. We CNBC'ers (Childless not by choice) really do know how to raise kids, we just cannot make any suggestions because we just don't count.

Oh well.........I'll just practice keeping my tongue inside my mouth!!