No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

As quick as I can here's the situation:

- In less than 2 weeks I'm giving a joint baby shower for my step-daughter-in-law (SDIL) along with my sister-in-law )SIL) for her daughter-in-law (DIL).

- I excluded SDIL's mother-in-law (my husband's ex) and my SDIL is pitching a fit saying we need to 'get over' the whole divorce thing.

- My husband cannot stand his ex (she's caused lots of problems for the family and his side doesn't want anything to do with her). She left him and caused him a lot of financial hardship and has tried numerous times to turn his kids against him with her lies.

- SDIL (who is pregnant and very hormonal) was crying so hard tonight saying I'd caused her undue stress because we were excluding her MIL.

- The last I remembered ex's don't normally come to the new wife's house and mingle with the ex's family especially when the family doesn't want the ex there.

- My husband if fit to be tied that his DIL is so selfish that she's only thinking of herself and not the other people coming who don't want her MIL there.

- I've spent weeks preparing for this shower, not to mention the cost of decorations, invitations, the cakes I've ordered, etc. My husband is building her a cradle out of oak.

- FYI - My huband missed the birth of his first grandchild because these same kids were pissed about our being upset they trashed my husbands tractor and didn't want to take responsibility so they disowned us and he missed out on that. It's taken about a year to get things back to what we thought was a reasonable relationship with them.

- Isn't it our right to say who is and isn't in our home for 'family' events? I called the members of the family from my husband's side and asked for their vote on whether the ex comes or not...everyone said not 'no' but hxxx 'no.'

- FYI - We went to my SDIL's home for their daughter's first birthday and the ex was there and we were respectful and pleasant because we were in their home. HOwever, we didn't expect this behavior concerning entertaining in OUR home.

- I'm ready just to have only the shower for my SIL's daughter-in-law and cancelling my SDIL's part of the shower if she doesn't come to terms with this.

- I've turned this all over to my husband. If there's one thing I've learned with step-kids is the step-parent holds no weight nor rights when it comes to trying to reason with them. He's so mad I think he's ready to toss out the cradle along with the decorations. Tomorrow he's going to talk to his son about them needing to accept that he's been divorced now for almost 10 years and they need to forget about trying to make everyone fit into this unrealistic way of wanting things to be.

GOOD GRIEF!!!!

The more people involved, the harder it is to make everyone happy. I found this quote that may help push things back into prospective.

Balance:
"Things that matter most must never be at the mercy of things that matter least."
--Van Goethe

I can completely commiserate with your entanglement in all these blended and ex-family members. It's a mess. And you're right, no matter what you do someone is going to be p*ssed off and unhappy.

I am de facto married to the ex wife from hell. They've been divorced almost 22 years, we've been married more than 20, and still I cannot shake this woman. Part of that is due to the fact that my husband's mother (the hypochondriac) is particularly fond of her because she's a nurse. The MIL still invites her to family reunions and even though the kids from that long ago marriage are now in their 30's, the ex-wife in collusion with the mother in law are still are playing manipulative games with my husband. I now know that as long as all the players in this drama are alive, it will never stop.

My daughter spent 6 months with us here in Moscow last year and knows how much I dislike the in-law/ex-wife/step children fiasco. She looked and me and said "how much farther away from those people do you need to get?"

Maybe China. After all these years I cannot, will not, deal with it any more. Not. Color me on the other side of the planet.

You know what, Dee? I'd invite her and kill her with kindness. I do this with the hub's ex. Treat her like an old friend and tell her how pretty she looks. It removes a lot of stress on all sides. It isn't easy but you will be taking the road less traveled and will be the one who is blessed from it. Just my input from my past and what worked.

Good luck with what ever you decide!

Hanalore...I know what you mean.

Mrs Madness...I lived in Europe for 20 years to stay away from my own family...when I returned I found the same weirdness going on. I still try to stay away from them. Sometimes I doubt if China would have been far enough away but you made me chuckle.

Dianne being kind at this point isn't the answer. This woman is dangerous, all the family knows it and that's why they requested 3 years ago that she refrain from coming to my husband's side of the family functions. She got angry with this and did something really unforgivable in my book. She started spreading the rumor that my husband had molested his daughter when she was very young. When it finally got back to me and my husband all hell broke loose. She was confronted and instead of admitting that she'd started the sick rumor, she blamed it on her very own daughter-in-law...the one I'm having the baby shower for. We knew that was a lie as well. Her DIL went balistic when she found her her MIL was now accusing her of the rumor. (That's what we don't get....why is the DIL now so willing to be so close to the woman who tried to accuse her of this ugly rumor?) What DECENT person can go to their daughter and tell them that their father molested them knowing it is a lie? Can you imagine what that must have done to her daughter? This woman is dangerous and evil and will do anything (she's proven that) to hurt people when she does not get her way. Now maybe you can understand why I do not want this woman anywhere near my home nor my husband and why the rest of the family refuses to be anywhere near her.
My husband and I talked this morning and we've both decided that we're done doing things for his DIL and son. Everytime we go out of our way to do something really special for them they find a way to muck up the waters. My husband is going to talk to his DIL about this sometime today and try to get her to understand that he does not want his ex here at our home and if she doesn't want to accept that then we are cancelling her part of the baby shower. At least I still have time to cancel the cake.

Glad I could give you a chuckle. Any laugh is better than no laugh, but it's not a joke.

We're outta here and going to China next year. Think we could find work somewhere near the North Pole?

My husband called his DIL but she would not answer the phone. She called her husband (my husbands son) and had him call my husband. They talked and his son agrees with us and says Michelle is very emotional about everything right now (8 months pregnant) and he's going to tell his mother where she stands in this. Thankfully, my husband was able to reach his son and get his son to understand how he feels about his ex-wife. Whether Michelle understands or not, she needs to respect our wishes not to have the ex at our family gatherings. We think she will come around and once she gets to the shower and sees how lovely everything is she'll forget about being so emotional about something that doens't really matter anymore. She's got a lot of growing up to do.

Mrs Madness...If you find work at the north pole, give me a call...I'll join you.

wooow deeee thats a strange situasion, good luck with it i am glade your hubbies son is now understanding of the situasion...what a lot of stress for something that should be reallie plesent

Do you think pregnant women with the hormonal shifts get cought up in as you put it unrealistick expectasions placed on ALLLLL the members of the familie to trie and provide saftie for her babie....or is it just hormonal bonkersdommm. Anyway nutral ground be easier to tolirate but not in your own home...I would have a lot of trouble with this situasion with the types of stuff the ex wife has done with the familie. This may not help you that much but the best i can do is empathise with you and tell you to trust yourself and be as loving and kind as you can be....sure you would be that way anyway.....good luck

Dee,
I was so confused on this and had to read it several times to "get it." It isn't you, just my p-sized brain. What a mess. Ex's can screw up a two-car funeral. Holy crap. While Dianne's approach does work for some, I can see why breaking the ties completely with this evil person is for the best.

One thing I've found is that all people have to do is SAY something, and the world takes it for face value. I'm so sorry to hear what she did to you sweet hubby. I know he wonders how he was ever married to her. Bless his heart. She wanted to hurt him pretty bad, didn't she? That is unforgivable though in my book.

I think you all are taking the right approach by nipping it in the bud, (as Barney would say). It is YOUR home, your hospitality, and your time/effort. Nip it. Don't let things slide back into the old routine where they try to blackmail your hubby with emotions.

She won't always be pregnant ... and hormonal or not, she needs to grow up!

(Queen stepping down from soapbox)

Okay, that puts a different slant on this! Wow. But, if she isn't allowed to come to the shower do you think she will start in again? It seems like a catch 22.

HI Celtic...you're so sweet and thanks for the support. My SDIL is emotional anyway and when she's not able to get her way she cries and that's how she deals with it. Now that she's pregnant, it's worse. I can understand her being hormonal and certainly empathize with it...the rest of it is unreasonable on her part. Even my husband told me today he asked a couple of guys at work about the situation and they told him that in no way is he out of line for NOT wanting his ex to come to current and future family gatherings at our home. My SDIL is just going to have to come to terms with this. I understand what she was trying to do and I think her heart was in the right place...she just needs to wake up and see how divorced life truly is. And I hope she never finds out what all this is like on this side of divorce. Somehow I think she'd be singing another tune.

Update...the shower is over and it was nice but I was given the cold shoulder by my DIL's mom, despite the fact that I was giving her daughter a beautiful shower. The baby was born last Monday and I went with my husband to the hospital. I was given the cold shoulder by DIL's mom and my husband's daughter (not the one having the baby). His ex was there and talk about awkward. I felt surrounded by the enemy. If it hadn't been for my husband and wanting to support him I would have fled that place as if my pants were on fire. I emailed my son and told him about what happened and he said it best. Forget about them. I have bent over backwards to be nice to this family but have stood my ground when they attempted to take advantage of me and Larry. It's been when they've wanted to be rude and disrespectful that I've stood my ground and that's when they've turned their backs on us. It just shows me that they're not worth another moment of my fretting about people who don't matter. My husband and I have a wonderful life and if they want to be in our life then they're going to have to step up to the plate, not the other way around. It's taken me awhile to see it that way because I wanted to fit into their world...now I know their world isn't worth the price they want me to pay. I'll be 'nice' but that's it. No more shower, no more Bday parties, no more going out of my way to do anything for them. And you know what? I don't feel badly about that decision. I do feel relief.
How's that for getting a handle on things?

Dee,
Congrats! You are SO worth it. What a loss for them, I say. I can think of several words for them all, like "ungrateful, childish, insecure," and none of which apply to you or to Larry. Way to go girl. Way to gain control of your lives, once again. I'm so proud for you!

Dee, what a wise decision. They are not worth your time, not now and not ever.

Dee, way to go. You are absolutely right. If they decide to grow up and step up, okay. Otherwise, their loss. You are a wise and kind woman.