Burst bubble

Ok, as many of you know, DH and I "threw" a private baby shower for his daughter and her DH. Since I never had my own, it's been difficult for me to attend ANY baby shower in many, many years. So THIS was a huge step for me.

A few weeks ago, I sent out an email to close family/friends announcing this shower. I feel I've taken great strides in healing thru childlessness and this was something that I felt excited about. After all, wouldn't any mother be excited and throw a shower??

The email simply asked if anyone wanted to send a card of something. I did NOT solicit gifts, but my family is just a giving kind of people. Well, after DSD and her DH left, I received a couple of gifts: a check from my 1st cousin once removed; a gift cert. from my sister and a gift from a friend.

NOW, DSD has asked me to not have people send gifts because "they don't even know us" and they'd prefer them saving their money for their own families. I'm hurt. However, I've discussed this with DH and he will talk to his DD.

This shows me that, even though we "CNBC'ers" (childless not by choicers) mean well, we are still misunderstood. No bad feelings here, but I really am excited about this no. 1, because this is the ONLY daughter I'll ever have; no 2, because I'm excited about being a grandma-to-be and never had kids; no. 3, this is healing for me, yet I'm being stifled.

I also realized that they do not understand the depth of a loss such as childlessness and really only see this as people giving money to them, even though they do not need it. I'd like for them to see this as "gifts from the heart", because, and not to sound haughty, these people love ME and know the kind of heartache childlessness has been.

DH understands and has been educate by me enough. So I've asked him for some advice. He says he'll write to her to convey what she needs to hear. He's wonderful!

[ December 13, 2005, 12:56 AM: Message edited by: Di ]

Oh,DI
You are aloving woman and be proud of yourself fpr getting beyond your own pain to open your heart
Step- parenting is hard- my husband has three children and we have been married for almost 14 years but it took the birth of his oldest daughter's first child for me to be accepted as family- there is hope- keep giving love- I truly believe what you give returns to you
Bright blessings
Pattyann

Di I wish I had been blessed with a Mother-in-law like you... JJ

Di, you are also a great communicator. That is what is at the root of the best marriages. I'm glad your hubby came around.

Thanks you guys. Funny thing is........I have already been accepted. DH wrote to his DD and simply told that it is the language of love.

Many years ago when I first accepted Christ as Savior, the first place He hit me was in my giving. I was a very selfish person. Now that I've been able to GIVE, sometimes it gets stifled. I hope to convey this to them some day.

Thanks, JJ. Actually, I'm her stepmother!! However, I guess I am a mother-in-law, too...to her DH!!

Of course... in my haste to send a cyber warm fuzzy, I wrote MIL...Duh...I can be so blonde sometimes.

JJ

Oh no....no biggy.

DSD wrote back to say how hard it is to accept things (other than cards) from family, let alone from people who do not know them.

But even God, "who so loved the WORLD" went beyond His local family/friends. He could have said "For God so loved Israel(only)"....

Love has no boundaries. Love is kind. I think they will realize that when they are parents themselves.

My hope is that they are learning something from my family's giving....and from me. I want to be used of God and what better way than by way of love?

I have a deep feeling in my heart that this will all work out for you Di and that it is happening even now, slow but sure. Just remain on your course of kindness and understanding and all will be fine in time....Learn to love and accept the new baby when it arrives as you might have loved your own. The child is guiltless in all this and will love you unconditionally as Grandma, which is not a bad thing to be, right all you Grandma's out there?

For 100% sure Chatty. I love my grandkids so much. They melt the heart. Di, you're gonna be a great grammy!

Well, this has gone a bit too far. DSD how has asked DH if my feelings are hurt.

I just don't know what to do. To me, I think it's the heart of the receiver that is having difficulty. Why is this making me upset when I feel like I'm doing my best?

Maybe, (thinking aloud) my "motive" is to help ME do my best to help in my childlessness affliction by giving to that one thing that saddens me: a pregnant woman. She will have what I will never have. So, I am trying (for me) to over compensate. But DSD does not how to receive and really does not KNOW what my feelings behind it are.

Does this make sense to anyone? I'm a mess right now.

Answering my own post here....

I suppose my motives have been selfish. I should not have expected anyone (unless they walk in my shoes) to understand why I did what I did.

And, unless someone like DSD was a good receiver, it's difficult for her to understand why she's getting bombarded with gifts. When,in fact, it is really for me to help me! Like, "Ok,Di. Acknowledging a pregnancy and a subsequent newborn in your presence can't be all THAT bad". See what has gone thru my brain?

Tell me I'm not crazy!

Some people just have trouble "receiving"...
whether it is a gift or love or a compliment. Maybe she feels she would be obligated to give back or maybe she feels uncomrtable writing thank you cards.

Di, have you tried writing it all out? Write TWO letters; in the first one, pour it all out into words, let your pen put your heart to paper. Then keep that one (don't rip it up or send it...keep it for yourself)...and write a second one to your DSD, using the best of what you found out while writing your first letter...and send that second letter to your DSD. Be sure the letter is NO way accusatory (not that it would be, but sometimes when our wounds leak, they come out looking a little ambiguous to others), but a heartfelt, caring explanation of where you're coming from, your hopes and fears and joys and tears about this pregnancy, which is a wonderful blessing but one that has a personal impact on you.

One of the problems with not explaining your background and feelings in any situation regarding loved ones (and DSD would regard you as a loved one) is that they tend to fill in the unexplained gaps with their own stories or reasons, usually to their own detriment. These unknown "stories" are often what end up separating families, not the real issues.

Be honest, tell her your painful truth, then she will be able to deal with the truth only, and let you own your pain and not be so bewildered by her own inaccurate reasons for the "whys" of any of these family situations...and with the child on the way, this is only the beginning, so you might as well deal with it NOW and avoid lots of future dilemmas at the same time.

[ December 15, 2005, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: Eagle Heart ]

I'm writing to her now. I have got to straiten this all out!

thanks!

Di, I believe you are receiving some excellent advice here. I agree with Chatty that this will all work out. In between the lines, I see that both you and your DSD are very decent and kind women.....with both of you making a heartfelt effort to make the best of the situation.

You will love being a grandma! Clayton is visiting me this weekend and I'm taking him to an aquarium. After he wears me out, I send him home....lol!

Daisygirl

since you all are writers, would someone be kind enough to read my letter? I'll PM it to you.

PS. I did not send it yet.

[ December 15, 2005, 02:30 PM: Message edited by: Di ]

I PM'd you Di. Hope that helps. I'll be keeping you in prayers.

BTW, I think that everything changes once the baby arrives and the parents realize how NEEDY babies are. I think that grandparents who enjoy giving become much more appreciated as the new parents begin to see how much babies NEED! Especially as they grow older and want the cool stuff.

I never had children and could never have imagined myself "wasting" precious Sunday afternoons at a McDonald's Playland...but when a 5 year old granddaughter wants it and retired grandparents have the time to give, a McDonald's Playland becomes the perfect place to be on a Sunday afternoon!

I never thought I would be caught dead there and yet took my grandson every Saturday for many months, we tried a different one each week between his side of town and mine and he loved those big basket thingies filled with colored balls inside. Oh and the tubes the kids crawl through. I got to know many of the people there and have to admit they were very friendly and equally crazy about their little rascals....

One time my grandson got stuck in one, got scared and started crying. My DIL had to crawl in after him - hehe - I'm sure it happens all the time. I wish there was a place like that to take dogs in the winter - mine are going stir crazy!

Daisygirl

Di, a couple of years ago I befriended a needy family. After they started receiving all the gifts she began to question my motives. I was really hurt because she was wondering what I expected in return. I told her I wanted nothing but only to help her and her family.

She admitted to me that no one was ever that kind and giving to her without wanting something back. She did apologize for her misconceptions about me and has since been graciously accepting of everything I give to her.

Maybe this is in the mind of the "receiver" in your case. Of course, everyone is different and you can't really know for sure.

I think you are doing everything right and because it's with the best of intentions.

People aren't used to other's giving with no strings attached. But it is the best way to give.

Right....no strings.

When I see DSD, I will share with her the reasons why each one gave. When I was in my mid 30's I learned how to be a receiver. To bless someone else is the neatest thing, isn't it?

I now realize that the people who gave to them did this for ME. Funny......I planted seeds years ago and this is the fruit. And, did not even know it at the time.